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Would you tell...
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My friend and her boyfriend have been together 12 years. They live together (she inherited her family home) but have no children as he doesn't want any. He has never proposed (he got down on one knee one night in a pub in front of all her friends and asked would she go to dinner with him....we didn't see the funny side!). She was hurt badly by an ex who cheated. I split from my husband almost two years ago and just after I split with him my friends boyfriend messaged me out of the blue, first asking how I was and then telling me how crap his sex life is and how bored he is. I confided in another friend and we both agreed not to say anything but we are concerned that she is waiting her time on this man. She would love to get married and have kids but time is slipping away...she's 37 now. I received another message from him on Friday just asking had I any news which I ignored. My friend mentioned before that he has three mobile phones which raised alarm bells for me. My ex cheated on me so I know how devastating it can be and I don't want to ruin our friendship....what would you do? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd tell her in a heartbeat. She's your friend. A few mths ago I got a letter from a *friend* (never found out who).. Saying she saw hubby having coffee with a woman. Of course I knew but it pissed me off that she didn't have the decency to tell me to my face. If I ever find out who it is we won't be friends anymore.  |
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The reason I took so long is because it happened to me and it felt like my whole world had ended at the time. I actually used to wish that I didn't know so that's the reason I'm hesitant about telling her. I'm sure she knows deep down. He's always away playing golf etc and he hasn't given her any commitment. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The reason I took so long is because it happened to me and it felt like my whole world had ended at the time. I actually used to wish that I didn't know so that's the reason I'm hesitant about telling her. I'm sure she knows deep down. He's always away playing golf etc and he hasn't given her any commitment."
She'll be more hurt when she finds out you kept it a secret from her. |
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By *umpsMan
over a year ago
city |
I believe you should tell her.... She is missing out on.what she is looking for in life...kids marriage etc.... There is other men out there that would give her that...
It sounds to me he is using her...
Also the longer he stays in her house and has letters, bills in his name going to her house.... The longer he stays there he will be entitled to a share in the house.... This happened to someone I know... I think it is after 9 or 12 years that he will have rights...
Assume he could know this...
Someone here might verify this...
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By *ale4U2Man
over a year ago
Nearby |
I'd rather keep my nose out of other people's business ... Yes you might feel better for saying it, but the knock on effects and devastation caused won't be worth it .. Forget the phone call, block his number and leave well alone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'd rather keep my nose out of other people's business ... Yes you might feel better for saying it, but the knock on effects and devastation caused won't be worth it .. Forget the phone call, block his number and leave well alone."
But it is her business, he involved her by texting |
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By *ale4U2Man
over a year ago
Nearby |
"I'd rather keep my nose out of other people's business ... Yes you might feel better for saying it, but the knock on effects and devastation caused won't be worth it .. Forget the phone call, block his number and leave well alone.
But it is her business, he involved her by texting "
It's also her prerogative whether she stays involved or removes herself from the equation |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd tell her.
You had good reason and the right intention at the time to not say, although I imagine she might not understand that right away.
Ultimately what's worse, your friend being a little miffed at you for a while but finding out the truth from a friend or finding out you kept quiet and this guy breaking her heart down the line? No brainer.
An inkling doesn't always prepare you for the actual realisation. Tell her and if needs be give her space and just be there to pick up the pieces. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'd rather keep my nose out of other people's business ... Yes you might feel better for saying it, but the knock on effects and devastation caused won't be worth it .. Forget the phone call, block his number and leave well alone.
But it is her business, he involved her by texting
It's also her prerogative whether she stays involved or removes herself from the equation"
Sooooo? Her friends fella texts her so now she can't be friends any more?????? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wow it's a hard one to call, I found myself in a worse situation, went away with a mate of mine last year, he is in a long term relationship frist child on the way, he fuck off with a lady, I said nothing,but it's ripping me up inside to think someone man or woman can do it to someone there ment to love,pull him aside tell him to back off your not interested, if he does it again blow his world apart..  |
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By *ale4U2Man
over a year ago
Nearby |
"I'd rather keep my nose out of other people's business ... Yes you might feel better for saying it, but the knock on effects and devastation caused won't be worth it .. Forget the phone call, block his number and leave well alone.
But it is her business, he involved her by texting
It's also her prerogative whether she stays involved or removes herself from the equation
Sooooo? Her friends fella texts her so now she can't be friends any more??????"
Noooo Candy. I meant by blocking his number and not giving him the opportunity to confide in her. She should always be there for her pal, defo ... But sometimes confronting people ain't always the best way forward. If she were to confront anyone it should be him and warn him off !! |
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By *umpsMan
over a year ago
city |
As friends we all want to see our friends be happy....
You already know your friend is not happy with her partner.... Yes she may not like you telling her...
Another way is helping her to figure it out for herself.... Tell her to write down what she wants by the time she is 40 and what she thinksher current partner wants.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'd rather keep my nose out of other people's business ... Yes you might feel better for saying it, but the knock on effects and devastation caused won't be worth it .. Forget the phone call, block his number and leave well alone.
But it is her business, he involved her by texting
It's also her prerogative whether she stays involved or removes herself from the equation
Sooooo? Her friends fella texts her so now she can't be friends any more??????
Noooo Candy. I meant by blocking his number and not giving him the opportunity to confide in her. She should always be there for her pal, defo ... But sometimes confronting people ain't always the best way forward. If she were to confront anyone it should be him and warn him off !!"
Ah. Right, but it's not her problem, tell the BF & let her deal with him. The OP is an innocent party so it seems. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As friends we all want to see our friends be happy....
You already know your friend is not happy with her partner.... Yes she may not like you telling her...
Another way is helping her to figure it out for herself.... Tell her to write down what she wants by the time she is 40 and what she thinksher current partner wants.. "
Far kinder in the long run that presenting her with "evidence" that the guy could plausibly talk his way out of (I have to wonder why he has your number in the first place OP??). It's not your place to speculate on what he may or may not be doing behind her back. (Also have to wonder how the other friend knows he has 3 phones, yet his partner apparently does not - the devil is in the detail with all these "dilemmas"  ) |
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By *ale4U2Man
over a year ago
Nearby |
"I'd rather keep my nose out of other people's business ... Yes you might feel better for saying it, but the knock on effects and devastation caused won't be worth it .. Forget the phone call, block his number and leave well alone.
But it is her business, he involved her by texting
It's also her prerogative whether she stays involved or removes herself from the equation
Sooooo? Her friends fella texts her so now she can't be friends any more??????
Noooo Candy. I meant by blocking his number and not giving him the opportunity to confide in her. She should always be there for her pal, defo ... But sometimes confronting people ain't always the best way forward. If she were to confront anyone it should be him and warn him off !!
Ah. Right, but it's not her problem, tell the BF & let her deal with him. The OP is an innocent party so it seems."
Defo the innocent party !! I'd just hate if I were her pal and brought down her whole world by telling her of this just to make me feel better ... Look there's no easy way I suppose, just hope it gets resolved one way or the other .. |
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Op you should tell her your her friend and she should value your friendship and you will be there to help her out if and when you do ur friend deserves to be happy in life like every1 does all the best with it  |
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I would generally say keep you're nose out of other people's business and if you were so worried about you're friend knowing you would have told her immediately after the first text instead of agreeing to keep it from her!
It's easy to judge from the outside but they is always more than one side to a story! |
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By *aid backMan
over a year ago
by a lake with my rod out |
What has this bloke actually done ? Told someone his sex life is boring ,has 3 phones and went down on one knee as a joke its not exactly a list of war crimes. Just because an ex of yours cheated doesnt mean that this bloke is cheating. Also what has the fact that this guys doesn't want to get married have to do with anything. If your friend does then she needs to grow a pair and find someone that does. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From experince be prepared to lose her as a friend ..it can go one of two ways "
I'd tell at the very least your friend deserves to know all the facts so she can make her own mind up . It's the right thing to do . I can't stand cheaters anyone who would treat someone they say they love so badly is the lowest of the low IMO |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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12 years is a long time and a lot to lose over allegations with no concrete evidence imo. If you didn't say before, see no reason why you would now. Could break your friends heart, if you are wrong. I think I would have to speak to the alleged, and certainly if any evidence of cheating you should definitely say to your friend. Otherwise, say nothing. I have a few good friends with guys imo don't deserve them, and are no good, but my friends love these guys, so I would only intervene if evidence...hope all works out well |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'd rather keep my nose out of other people's business ... Yes you might feel better for saying it, but the knock on effects and devastation caused won't be worth it .. Forget the phone call, block his number and leave well alone.
But it is her business, he involved her by texting
It's also her prerogative whether she stays involved or removes herself from the equation
Sooooo? Her friends fella texts her so now she can't be friends any more??????
Noooo Candy. I meant by blocking his number and not giving him the opportunity to confide in her. She should always be there for her pal, defo ... But sometimes confronting people ain't always the best way forward. If she were to confront anyone it should be him and warn him off !!
Ah. Right, but it's not her problem, tell the BF & let her deal with him. The OP is an innocent party so it seems.
Defo the innocent party !! I'd just hate if I were her pal and brought down her whole world by telling her of this just to make me feel better ... Look there's no easy way I suppose, just hope it gets resolved one way or the other .."
I'd personally hate to be planning a life with a gal like that and you can be damn sure my mates would tell me if I was been made a fool of... Just saying reverse the rolls guys we know the answer |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No evidence this guy has cheated from what I have read. Has the other half of this guy complained that she isn't happy? There are a lot of unknowns to make any call on the happiness in this relationship as far as I can see. |
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"Just make sure he doesn't try turning it back on you that you started it etc... You know what way things can be twisted "
that's exactly what I thought! At the time I was just out of a marriage and didn't want to deal with anyone else's problems. I feel guilty about it but I do think she's seriously in denial |
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"As friends we all want to see our friends be happy....
You already know your friend is not happy with her partner.... Yes she may not like you telling her...
Another way is helping her to figure it out for herself.... Tell her to write down what she wants by the time she is 40 and what she thinksher current partner wants.. "
I actually did something like this on new year's eve with her, I asked my friends their three regrets and their three hopes and hers was to get married which gave me a lump in my throat. I'm just hoping that something will'click' with her and she'll realize that there's more out there for her.
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"As friends we all want to see our friends be happy....
You already know your friend is not happy with her partner.... Yes she may not like you telling her...
Another way is helping her to figure it out for herself.... Tell her to write down what she wants by the time she is 40 and what she thinksher current partner wants..
Far kinder in the long run that presenting her with "evidence" that the guy could plausibly talk his way out of (I have to wonder why he has your number in the first place OP??). It's not your place to speculate on what he may or may not be doing behind her back. (Also have to wonder how the other friend knows he has 3 phones, yet his partner apparently does not - the devil is in the detail with all these "dilemmas" )"
he contacted me through facebook messenger. My ex has a couple of phones so I'm always wary about that, just from my own experience. |
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"Think I read a similar post from you before op... 
I'd concentrate on your own relationship and keep your nose out of others...."
I thought the forum was for getting people's opinions. You usually get good advice and it's interesting to get other people's perspective outside your own circle |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Actually... Get your friend to do a threesome, then get the guy into that action as well... Like a blind threesome date akin to Matthew O'Cuntohue rom com situations...
Then either someone will get shagged, or... Someone will get shagged. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If it was my friend, I'd stalk him, take pictures of his whereabouts and send them to her. He is clearly cheating with other women so let he know otherwise time will just pass her by. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Irrespective of personal issues, 12 years a waiting is a long time...
True...
Not every frog turns into a prince when you kiss him "
Some turn into filthy rich sheikhs with harems... |
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