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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.
I said, "Why, because it's well stocked & capable of supplying you with your every need?"
"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl." |
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The insurance side of sex........
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.
Sex with long-term partner - Standard Life.
Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability.
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Casual sex with different partners - Go Compare.
Sex with a lady boy - Confused. com. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A school bus from a catholic girls school was hit by a train at a crossing in the country.... tragicly there were no survivors ....
At the gates of heaven St. Peter advised the girls that they form a line, when things were quiet, in a loud voice he asked if any of them had ever had any contact with the male penis.
As Mary stepped foward she stated that she had touched the end of one with her finger.
St. Peter says.... " dip your finger in the holy water and pass through "
Joan steps forward and says that she had held one in her hand...
St. Peter says.. " dip your hand in the holy water and pass through "
About that time there's a scuffle in the back of the line as Gloria rushes forward, reaching the front of the line, she stops... St.Peter exclaims..... " Yes Gloria, is there something wrong ?? "
"Yes !!".... she exclaims excitedly, "I just realized if I have to gargle with the holy water.... I want to before Sarah sits her ass in it !!!"
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A young man called Ronan from Craigavon wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Bleary.
Ronan consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister shopping and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
The shop had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ronan unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Ronan sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter.
"Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Ronan.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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an old farmer marries a much younger girl from the nearest village
he goes to the doctor looking for viagra doctor says whats the story
farmers says doc its like this every time i'm out in the fields and get the urge by the time i get myself back its gone
doc replies not viagra you need
just take the shotgun out with ya when you feel the urge let off a barrel she will hear it from the house young thing like that'll be out in no time
few months later the farmers sitting in the pub lookin rather morose in walks the doc says whats up with you how'd the shot gun thing goes for ya
farmers says aye doctor it was all grand untill now
doc says and whats wrong now
farmer sure its the bloody shooting season |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as
if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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For fuck's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentines cards up.
The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My girlfriend was moaning saying that i never do anything for Valentines day for her. "what would you like?" i asked. "I dont know, take me somewhere i havent been taken before" she said.
So tomorrow i am fucking her up the arse |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I've come up with this amazing idea.
You stretch a wire coat hanger over your head, then you twist the hook so that the point is facing you. By doing this you can hang a picture on the hook and masturbate without having to hold the picture, leaving your other hand free to use at your leisure!
"I'm out" said Deborah Meaden.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?" |
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