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Shit Jokes
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I met my wife on the net
We were both rubbish trapeze artists
Anybody any worse jokes?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ah jesus I half smiled at that   |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Couldn't commit to a full one? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Couldn't commit to a full one? "
Commitment issues |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Couldn't commit to a full one?
Commitment issues "
Friend of mine asked me why my relationships only last 3 or 4 dates
I'm scared I guess
Of commitment he asked
No my wife finding out  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the phasing out of roman numerals?
Not on my watch |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the road and turned into a field!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between oooooh and aaaaaah?????
About 3 inches! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A friend an I had an argument over whether the boat was big enough...
We fell out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having sex in an elevator is wrong on soooo many levels!!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ah here! Did someone say today is Pancake Tuesday today?
That just crêped up on me... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ah here! Did someone say today is Pancake Tuesday today?
That just crêped up on me..."
You win the Internet!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hang on... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Last year I rang hubs & told him to go to the shop to get stuff for the pancakes...
I wasn't happy when he showed me the push-up bra. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 09/02/16 16:42:02] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Last year I rang hubs & told him to go to the shop to get stuff for the pancakes...
I wasn't happy when he showed me the push-up bra."
Nah.... Last one was better!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Tough crowd today. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the angry pancake??
He just flipped... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Woke the wife up at 4am this morning with a sizzling pan in my hand saying here finish this off!!
She flipped |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's more embarrassing than going to casualty with a Hoover tube stuck up your arse?
Admitting you were trying to vacuum the hamster out.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the angry pancake??
He just flipped..."
Fucking cross over there |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the angry pancake??
He just flipped...
Fucking cross over there "
Hate when that happens!! |
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my maid makes the pancakes to thin.
I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My view on pancake tuesday? I couldn't give a toss |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I travel alot with work
Nothing I hate more than being late for meetings
AA...RAC... Don't get me started! |
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By *andaCouple
over a year ago
co down |
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My Grandmother recently talked about downsizing from her three bedroom terraced house
She's in a small urn now |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I other wondered why objects get larger the closer they get
And then it hit me |
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"My Grandmother recently talked about downsizing from her three bedroom terraced house
She's in a small urn now "
where do pancakes live.....in a flat...... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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1st guy: my wife has grown a small penis after taking steroids.
2nd guy: Anabolic?
1st guy: no, just a small penis. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's more embarrassing than going to casualty with a Hoover tube stuck up your arse?
Admitting you were trying to vacuum the hamster out.
"
Armageddon!!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. |
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Got an email off Google maps saying we're so brilliant we even read maps backwards.
And I thought that's just spam. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's more embarrassing than going to casualty with a Hoover tube stuck up your arse?
Admitting you were trying to vacuum the hamster out.
Armageddon!!! "
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again,so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's more embarrassing than going to casualty with a Hoover tube stuck up your arse?
Admitting you were trying to vacuum the hamster out.
Armageddon!!!
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again,so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
"
Love that clip on you tube! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Shit jokes on twitter is good |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We call my Grandad Spiderman.
He hasn't got any super powers, he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath...
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By *aid backMan
over a year ago
by a lake with my rod out |
what do you call a man with a seagull on his head ?
cliff |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wanna buy a derelict lighthouse..
I'd get a functional one, but I don't want anything too flashy |
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"what do you call a man with a seagull on his head ?
cliff"
what do u call a man with a car in his head?...
jack. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the new wooden car ?
It had wooden wheels
And a wooden engine
But it wooden start |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you make a plumber cry?
Kill his family
Anti jokes are the best/worst jokes lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a scouser in a suit
A defendant |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What to do you call a car in tallaght with tax insurance and an Nct ?
Lost  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Atoms
Don't trust them .
They make up everything |
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What do you call a black man flying a plane ?
Pause for effect....A pilot you racist....
(Tiger Woods) |
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A man walks into a zoo and the only animal in the entire zoo was a dog.it's a shitzu |
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Got a new puppy from the local blacksmith, first thing he did when we got home,made a bolt for the backdoor |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Got a new puppy from the local blacksmith, first thing he did when we got home,made a bolt for the backdoor"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Couldn't afford to take the kids to the sealife centre so took them to the fish market instead and said "ssshhhh they're all asleep" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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This bloke said to me ' Max do you know Marie Osmond is gonna star in the worst film ever made?'
I said 'Warner Brothers?' he said 'i already have!' |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The advantages of easy origami are two fold |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A Baboom! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A Baboom!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just seen on the news that 2 paint carrying ships have collided & sunk in Galway bay. One was carrying blue paint & the other red.
The crew have been marooned.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Q: If you woke up in the morning with grass stains on your knees and a condom up your arse, would you tell anybody?
A: No!
Q: Do you want to go camping at the weekend?  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Q: If you woke up in the morning with grass stains on your knees and a condom up your arse, would you tell anybody?
A: No!
Q: Do you want to go camping at the weekend? "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh at the bar. "Vincent", he says, " would you like a pint?".
"No thanks!" replies Vincent, "I've got one 'ere".
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A shit joke?
Forum trolls. "
I see you're talking to yourself again John. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irish haven't see each other for a year so they meet up for a drink.
During the year all of them have had a son. Paddy Englishman says: "It's funny cause my son was born on Saint George's day so we ended up calling him George."
Paddy Scotsman says:"Man that's strange cause my son was born on St. Andrew's day and we called him Andrew."
Paddy Irish says: "Jaysus that's exactly the same thing with my son Pancake..." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the guy who didn't know the difference between putty and lube?
All his windows fell out. |
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Got a new job as an elevator operator.
Has its ups and downs |
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A new poll suggests 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy |
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My boyfriend came home from work
He said .... love will you put your coat on
Awwwwwee I said ... are you taking me out for the evening??
No he said ....im turning the central heating off .  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between a JCB & a Giraffe?
One has hydraulics, the other has high bollocks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The creator of predicted text died today. His funfair is next monkey! !! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a three legged donkey?
...a wonkey donkey.
What do you call a three legged donkey with one eye?
...a winkey wonkey donkey.
What do you call a three legged donkey with one eye and a guitar?
...a honkey tonkey winkey wonkey donkey.
One for Fab....What do you call a three legged donkey with one eye, a guitar and a whip?
...a kinky honkey tonkey winkey wonkey donkey!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If Hitler was an animal what would he have been?
Adolfin... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If Hitler was an animal what would he have been?
Adolfin..."
Ha ha! Love it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What does Co Monaghan and a pregnant cow have in common.?
There both close to Cavan !!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What does Co Monaghan and a pregnant cow have in common.?
There both close to Cavan !!!"
It took me a minute...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What does Co Monaghan and a pregnant cow have in common.?
There both close to Cavan !!!
It took me a minute... "
A good understanding of the local vernacular probably helps a bit .lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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a woman goes up to a vegatable man and says ;
Can I have one large cucumber please ?;
No problem says the vegetable man. Would you liked it diced ,iced or sliced?;
What do fucking think my fanny is a fucking slot machine ????
Shite I know |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Worst joke
If the answers Cock Robin
What's the question????
What's up my Arse Batman |
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What's brown & sits on piano stool?
Beethovens last movement!
(The title does say "shit jokes")
A substitute teacher arrives into a classroom and announces"ok children, from today there will be no baby talk allowed in here. A train will be called a train & not a choo choo, a cow will be called a cow & not a moo cow. Is that clear? Now let's start with some reading. Does anyone have a favourite book they would like to read?". Little guy at the back puts up his hand & says "yes Miss, Winnie the Shite!"
A little girl goes to her father & asks "daddy, where does poo come from?" Her father, rather embarrassed, tried to explain. "When we eat food it all goes down into our tummy where it gets separated into good parts and bad parts. The good parts are used as fuel for our bodies and the bad parts get sent to our bowel and when this is full it gets pushed out our bum as poo" At this point he noticed his daughter had a horrified look on her face and tears in her eyes. She then asked "w.w.w.what about Tigger?"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The creator of predicted text died today. His funfair is next monkey! !!"
Pmsl |
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So an English, Irish and Scotish couple all sitting at the same table for breakfast in a holiday resort..
English guy wants to.impress his wife and says.. please pass me the honey Honey
Scotiah guy didnt.wana be.out.done.and says..please pass me the sugar Sugar
Irish guy looked at the table then at his wife and says... giz over the milk ya cow..
English and scotish couple enjoyed the rest of holidays..
Irish guy is ok but still has a limp and cant piss without a pain killer |
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Whats the difference between a good egg and a good blowjob??
Ya can beat a good egg. |
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By *P_80Man
over a year ago
Waterford |
Ah lads some of these are cracking me up
The blacksmith puppy making a bolt for the door had me in stitches.
God said to Moses, "Come Forth!", but he came fifth and won a teapot. |
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By *P_80Man
over a year ago
Waterford |
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes. |
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By *P_80Man
over a year ago
Waterford |
What's the difference between apples and oranges?
You can't get an apple bastard.
***No offense intended, it's just a joke*** |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he'll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he'll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won't.”
Bob placed £20 on the bar and said, “You're on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob. “Fair's fair. Here's your money!”
Bob replied, “I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!”
(Sorry blondies) |
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did ya hear about the Irish farmer that won the nobel prize?
he was found out-standing in his field |
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By *P_80Man
over a year ago
Waterford |
A feminist asked me, "how do you view lesbian relationships?"
Apparently, "in HD", wasn't the right answer |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whats the difference between a good egg and a good blowjob??
Ya can beat a good egg."
What's the difference between an egg and a wank??
You can beat an egg but can't beat a wank!! |
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By *andaCouple
over a year ago
co down |
What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
Nobody to talk to when you're getting a blow job |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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3 tampons walking down the road, one on the left,one on the right and one 8n the middle, which one says hi??
None coz they're all stuck up c**ts |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Q. What do you call a German mechanic?
A. Hans boggin
Q. What do you call an Irish man hanging from the ceiling?
A. Sean deleer
Q. What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A. Jack |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the square route of 69?
8 something... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I got slapped once for this over in Epsom 30 years ago.I might get an other few here ,but here goes .
Whats the difference between a nurse and a helicopter?
Not everybody has been up on a helicopter.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When I discovered they had found a cure for my dyslexia it was music to my arse... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's more embarrassing than going to casualty with a Hoover tube stuck up your arse?
Admitting you were trying to vacuum the hamster out.
"
Pmsfl |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought "this changes everything". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between people from Bahrain..and people from abu dhaibi.?...
People from Bahrain don't like the flintstones....people from abu dhaibi dooooo |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I see Anniemal is up in Court next week 310 individual charges of receiving swollen goods |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What's the difference between people from Bahrain..and people from abu dhaibi.?...
People from Bahrain don't like the flintstones....people from abu dhaibi dooooo"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The kids at school used to push me and call me lazy
God I loved that wheelchair |
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It's not that I don't know how to juggle ....it's just ...perhaps I lack the balls to...
Apples |
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"What's the difference between apples and oranges?
You can't get an apple bastard.
***No offense intended, it's just a joke***"
Apple's was highly offended...
Ollie |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the woman who slept naked outside a synagogue....
She got a big dew on her.... |
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"Did you hear about the woman who slept naked outside a synagogue....
She got a big dew on her.... "
Jaysus you and yer wellie boots are back!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the sex addict with diahorrea.... He didn't know if he was coming or going... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I met Rolf Harris a while ago, I said I don't remember you doing "Two little boys" in the 1970s. He said fuck off, that was Jimmy Saville.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Colonel Gaddafi was riding his camel in a parade in tripoli...a wee boy and his dad were watching. ....on the way home, the wee boy says....dad did you know that that was a female camel that the colonel was riding. ..the dad says...how do you know son....the son says....I heard the man behind me saying. ...would you look at the cunt on that camel.....boom boom!!! |
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U hear about the bus drivers wanking contest?
Nothing happened for ages then 3 came together- |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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fabswingers lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The kids at school used to push me and call me lazy
God I loved that wheelchair "
Ha ha ha guess who's been watched Stewart Francis lol
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me." |
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"what do you call a man with a seagull on his head ?
cliff
what do u call a man with a car in his head?...
jack."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones |
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jesus wasn't born in England,they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call an irish woman hanging from a goalpost?
Annette
An irish guy hanging from a ceiling?
Sean d'olier
An irish guy lying in a marsh?
Pete |
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Bought a new tennis racket down in the sale in lifestyle yesterday......
First come first served |
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I watched a programme about people who make a living from walking on hot coals....
It was soul destroying |
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A friend of mine has recently started a business building yachts in the front room of his house....
Sails are through the roof |
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I know a guy who rellocated to Iraq to build bombs in a mosque....
Prophets are through the roof
That's all I got |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I ate at the new Mary Poppins restaurant in D4 yesterday...
Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious. |
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"I ate at the new Mary Poppins restaurant in D4 yesterday...
Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious."
Hahaha cracker |
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By *-ManMan
over a year ago
Kark |
Did you hear about the pebble with self confidence issues? She wished she was a little boulder! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whats red and bad for your teeth?
A brick. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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2 peanuts walking through Ballyfermot. One was assaulted. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two packets of crisps were strolling to town when a passerby offered them a lift.
"No thanks", they replied.
"We're Walkers" |
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James and Andrew are two gay guys, sadly James dies and Andrew goes to the undertaker to arrange the funeral, undertaker asks do you want him cremated or buried, Andrew replies I want you to make him into a curry,a curry asks the undertaker,yes replies Andrew I want to feel him dripping out of my arse one last tine |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the gay cowboy, he rode into town and shot up the Sherriff! |
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What did one duck say to the other duck. What's the quack. Lol |
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Cinderella was going to the ball, her fairy godmother told her that she must be home by midnight as the spell would end and everything would turn back into what it was and also that her vagina would turn into a giant pumpkin.
Off Cinders went to the ball and met Prince Charming
'I'm Cinderella the bell of the ball but I have to be home by midnight' she said
'I'm Prince Peter the pumpkin eater' came his reply,
'Ok' she said 'home by 4am will be time enough'
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Newsflash....
Six people dead from possible Rice Krispies poisoning....
Police are looking for a cereal killer..
..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear Tayto Park caught fire today?!
It burned to a crisp  |
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By *vsnikkiTV/TS
over a year ago
Limavady |
What do you call an Irish sniper?
Rick O'Shea |
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Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you get an alien baby to sleep?
Rocket. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people. "
Oh Mikey....
That really is shit.. |
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By *vsnikkiTV/TS
over a year ago
Limavady |
"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Oh Mikey....
That really is shit.. "
It is quite funny though |
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By *P_80Man
over a year ago
Waterford |
[Removed by poster at 24/04/16 12:52:57] |
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By *P_80Man
over a year ago
Waterford |
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He lay awake all night wondering if there was a Dog. |
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By *P_80Man
over a year ago
Waterford |
The dyslexic association of Ireland went up to protest outside the Dail.
It took an hour and a half before someone realized they were outside Aldi. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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DNA testing has shown that Roy "record breakers" Castle was Beyoncé's biological Father!!!
It is however doubtful she will take his Surname... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did u hear about the China man who's wife died
He went back to wann king |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Mr69: I saw a woman driving down the road yesterday with her hazard lights flashing.
I thought "at least she's honest.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 19/05/16 09:36:35] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I buy all my guns from a street guy in the hood named T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The bigger family
Daddy bigger mammy bigger baby bigger
Who's the biggest ?????
Baby bigger is because he's a little bigger than the rest
Wer wer weeerrrrrrrrr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My sex life |
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Differenct between a condom and a coffin???
Ya cum in one and go in the other |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I work for the Samaritans, I tried to ring in sick this morning but the fuckers talked me out of it |
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"I work for the Samaritans, I tried to ring in sick this morning but the fuckers talked me out of it "
I know a fella who moaned so much that when he phoned the samaratins after 5 hours of moanin and whingin he heard a gunshot on the samaratins end of the line |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I asked the chemist for some deodorant...she asked if I wanted aerosol or ball......I said it was for my underarms! |
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By *P_80Man
over a year ago
Waterford |
Two cows in a field,
1st cow: Have you heard about the outbreak of Mad Cow Disease?
2nd cow: Good thing I'm a helicopter. |
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My wife suggested spicing up our sex life by adding a little role-play.
"I'll be a prostitute," she said excitedly.
"Good idea," I replied. "I'll be Peter Sutcliffe |
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By *n-deepMan
over a year ago
muff munching country |
"what do you call a man with a seagull on his head ?
cliff
what do u call a man with a car in his head?...
jack."
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?......
Reg |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My stunning Asian wife told me a small cock in a loving relationship really wouldn't matter but fuck it after years of worry I still think it's a pity she has one |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I managed to fight him off with the hoover...
I guess I really was Dyson with Death... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
.
Nacho cheese.... |
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By *andZCouple
over a year ago
City |
What do you call the nicest guy in the hospital?
...........the ultrasound guy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Man walks into a shop and says have ye any beer, shop keeper says no, the man leaves
Was that shit enough? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What do you call the nicest guy in the hospital?
...........the ultrasound guy "
Where is the worst place to play hide and seek in a hospital?
ICU |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Man walks into a shop and says have ye any beer, shop keeper says no, the man leaves
Was that shit enough?"
.....I think it has to be an actual joke. ... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Man walks into a shop and says have ye any beer, shop keeper says no, the man leaves
Was that shit enough?.....I think it has to be an actual joke. ..."
Dam...What do ya call a transgender turtle...shelly |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call the nicest guy in the hospital?
...........the ultrasound guy
Where is the worst place to play hide and seek in a hospital?
ICU"
What's the quietest place in a hospital....the morgue  |
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Why was the mushroom so happy, he was a fungi |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did mary fall off the swing? She had no arms |
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Why didn't the chicken cross the road????
He was on a day off!!!
A little girl told me that today in work
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
.
Nacho cheese...."
My lil bro used to tell me that all the time and crack up laughing every single time lol nice memory candy, thanks |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I banged a mother last night, she was real crisp, but she was nacho mama... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
.
Nacho cheese....
My lil bro used to tell me that all the time and crack up laughing every single time lol nice memory candy, thanks "
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
.
Nacho cheese....
My lil bro used to tell me that all the time and crack up laughing every single time lol nice memory candy, thanks
"
How did you do that heart?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
.
Nacho cheese....
My lil bro used to tell me that all the time and crack up laughing every single time lol nice memory candy, thanks
How did you do that heart??"
You'll need a bulging brown envelope first...
*taps nose & winks
Knowwarramean. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
.
Nacho cheese....
My lil bro used to tell me that all the time and crack up laughing every single time lol nice memory candy, thanks
How did you do that heart??
You'll need a bulging brown envelope first...
*taps nose & winks
Knowwarramean."
*tapsnose* I sure do...you want me to wear an envelope as underpants |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between a Hippo & Zippo?
One's big & heavy, the other one's a little lighter... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between a woman coming outa mass..and a woman coming out of the bath...ones soul is full of hope...the other ones hole is full of soap.... |
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Was told this one today.
What's the difference between Audi drivers and hedgehogs?
Hedgehogs have pricks on the outside. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman walk into a pub...
To watch Wales play in a Euro 2016 1/4 final. |
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