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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve?s body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve?s wife.
Bob says he?s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
?So did you tell her?? asks Jeff.
?Yep?, replied Bob.
?Say, where did you get the six-pack??
Bob informs Jeff, ?She gave it to me!?
?What??? exclaims Jeff, ?you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack???
?Sure,? Bob says.
?Why?? asks Jeff.
?Well,? Bob continues, ?when she answered the door, I asked her, ?Are you Steve?s widow??Widow??, she said, ?no, no, you?re mistaken, I?m not a widow!?
So I said, ?I?ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for his IQ.
"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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As Valentines day was approaching, Charlie decided to buy a special gift for his new girlfriend, Ruth. The couple had not been dating for very long, and so Charlie wanted to make sure the gift was just right. Ruth was always complaining about having cold hands, and so Charlie - after careful consideration - decided a good gift would be a nice pair of gloves.
Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a woman’s opinion. they found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlie’’s sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up.
Charlie mailed his Valentine’’s Day gift to Ruth, accompanied by the following note:
I chose this Valentines Day gift as I noticed that you often don”t wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
These are a lovely colour. The lady at the store where I bought them showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I”ll be kissing them in the future. I hope you”ll wear them Friday night for me.
Love,
Charlie
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why does the pope wear trunks in the bath?
He doesn’t like to look down on the unemployed.
Did you hear about the gay magician?
He vanished with a poof.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Union Station,” answered the woman. “You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” The driver replies, “Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Stranded On An Island Joke
Posted July 29th, 2010 at 5:12 pm in Dirty Jokes
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”
The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says, “For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common.” The husband says “Well, neither of us suck dick.”
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to the local pet store. The salesman says, “I have the perfect pet for you… a toothless hamster.” The guy says, “Nah, I don’t think so.” The salesman continues his sales pitch, “But it gives great head!” The guy agrees to buy the hamster and takes it home. Later that evening, his wife returns home and upon seeing the hamster screams, “What the hell is that thing?” The guy replies, “Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out.”
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A bus driver is driving a load of old folk down the road when an old lady taps him on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully takes and eats. After about ten minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him a handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the old lady, "why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" "I can't chew them because I have no teeth." She replies. The puzzled driver asks, "why did you buy them then?" The old lady says, "I just love eating the chocolate around them!"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Dan is sat in his local pub, when he looks into his pint and sighs heavily. 'What’s up, Dan?' asks the landlord.
'It’s my son,' replies Dan. 'The little git has got our next-door neighbour pregnant.' 'Well I never, that’s impossible,' says the landlord. 'It’s not,' says Dan. 'He stuck a pin in all my condoms.'
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