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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After a few glasses each they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "Oh God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After a few glasses each they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "Oh God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen.""
That's too good for the bad joke section  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After a few glasses each they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "Oh God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."
That's too good for the bad joke section "
Jaysus I have loads & i've been told they are bad....
Saw a scarecrow playing with himself. Thought to myself he's clutching at straw |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After a few glasses each they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "Oh God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."
That's too good for the bad joke section
Jaysus I have loads & i've been told they are bad....
Saw a scarecrow playing with himself. Thought to myself he's clutching at straw"
Maybe I'm just easily amused...
Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? Turned into a field |
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By *ordjeffMan
over a year ago
around and about ,as travel. |
Mickey mouse is in court .wants a divorce from Minnie mouse.
The judge says. " I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds that Minnie mouse has buck teeth! "
"No your honour, I didn't say she has buck teeth, she's fucking goofy !" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It was Christmas Eve & a woman arrived home laden with bags after a busy day shopping. Stripping off to have a shower , her husband noticed marks on the inside of her legs. He asked her what the marks were, to which she replied "I visited a tattoo parlour today and got Merry Christmas tattooed on the inside of my left leg & Happy New Year tattooed on the inside of my right leg".
Perplexed he asked,"Why did you do that?". "Well," she replied " now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years" !!!!!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It was Christmas Eve & a woman arrived home laden with bags after a busy day shopping. Stripping off to have a shower , her husband noticed marks on the inside of her legs. He asked her what the marks were, to which she replied "I visited a tattoo parlour today and got Merry Christmas tattooed on the inside of my left leg & Happy New Year tattooed on the inside of my right leg".
Perplexed he asked,"Why did you do that?". "Well," she replied " now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years" !!!!!
"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After a few glasses each they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "Oh God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen.""
He gets excited and asks for sex. Afterwards he tells her it was lovely and if he had known she was that tight he would have asked her ages ago. She replied "If I'd known you get it up I'd have taken my tights off! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man told his wife he bought the newly released Official Olympic branded condoms.
They are made in Gold, Silver and Bronze colours.
Wife asked "can you wear the Silver ones tonight?"
He replied "why? Is it because it contrasts with your neatly trimmed auburn pubic hair?"
Wife replied "No!! It would just be nice if you fucking came second for a change!!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A man told his wife he bought the newly released Official Olympic branded condoms.
They are made in Gold, Silver and Bronze colours.
Wife asked "can you wear the Silver ones tonight?"
He replied "why? Is it because it contrasts with your neatly trimmed auburn pubic hair?"
Wife replied "No!! It would just be nice if you fucking came second for a change!!" "
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It was Christmas Eve & a woman arrived home laden with bags after a busy day shopping. Stripping off to have a shower , her husband noticed marks on the inside of her legs. He asked her what the marks were, to which she replied "I visited a tattoo parlour today and got Merry Christmas tattooed on the inside of my left leg & Happy New Year tattooed on the inside of my right leg".
Perplexed he asked,"Why did you do that?". "Well," she replied " now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years" !!!!!
"
brilliant!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As mum got ready for her bath her inquisitive sibling pointed to her vagina and enquired "whats that mummy?"
The mummy was somewhat embarrassed and replied,
"thats where your daddy hit me with a knife"
Child replied " what a shit!! Right on the cunt! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Patient: Doctor doctor i feel like a jelly baby.
So the doctor ate the face of him.
Patient: Doctor doctor i feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor: pull yourself together man.
Patient: Doctor doctor i have custard and jelly in one ear and fresh cream and sponge in the other ear.
Doctor: Ah yes, youre a trifle deaf.
Patient: Doctor doctor i always think i am Tom Jones.
Doctor: well thats not unusual Sir.
Patient: Doctor doctor can you give me something for this bad wind.
Doctor: hands him a kite.
Patient. Doctor doctor why my cum is white and my piss is green?
Doctor: Yes sir, thats so you know whether youre cumin or going. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An Elephant was drinking by the watering hole, anyway a camel walks the elephant roars jaysis lads look at that with boobs on its back.The Camel replies fuck sake that rich comming from someone with a cock hanging from its face. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It was Christmas Eve & a woman arrived home laden with bags after a busy day shopping. Stripping off to have a shower , her husband noticed marks on the inside of her legs. He asked her what the marks were, to which she replied "I visited a tattoo parlour today and got Merry Christmas tattooed on the inside of my left leg & Happy New Year tattooed on the inside of my right leg".
Perplexed he asked,"Why did you do that?". "Well," she replied " now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years" !!!!!
"
I love that !!! Class |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man finds a snail on his porch, he picks it up and throws it across the road. A year later he hears a knock on the door, he answers it and the snail says "What the fuck was THAT all about?!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A man finds a snail on his porch, he picks it up and throws it across the road. A year later he hears a knock on the door, he answers it and the snail says "What the fuck was THAT all about?!" "
lmao ha ha ha ha. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An old couple are at mass. In the middle of the service the old man lets out a fart. He whispers to his wife do you think anyone heard that. She says turn up your fucking hearing aid. |
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Police man on a horse stops a teenager on a dark January evening.
Cop asks him did Santa bring you the bike. Boy said he did. Cops says next time your writing to Santa tell him bring lights for the bike.
Cycling away The boy turns and says to the cop. Did Santa bring you the horse. Cop playing along said he did. Well says the boy when your writing to Santa again tell him out the bollocks under the horse not on top of it.
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As mum got ready for her bath her inquisitive sibling pointed to her vagina and enquired "whats that mummy?"
The mummy was somewhat embarrassed and replied,
"thats where your daddy hit me with a knife"
Child replied " what a shit!! Right on the cunt! "
Sibling? |
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By *vsnikkiTV/TS
over a year ago
Limavady |
"As mum got ready for her bath her inquisitive sibling pointed to her vagina and enquired "whats that mummy?"
The mummy was somewhat embarrassed and replied,
"thats where your daddy hit me with a knife"
Child replied " what a shit!! Right on the cunt!
Sibling?"
I would have thought that in East Antrim it's quite normal for siblings to be your Mummy! (It's a joke, please don't shoot me!) |
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"A man finds a snail on his porch, he picks it up and throws it across the road. A year later he hears a knock on the door, he answers it and the snail says "What the fuck was THAT all about?!" "
I had a racing snail once. I removed its shell to make it go faster. It didn't work. If anything it made it more sluggish .... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"what do u call a donkey with three legs.......A wonkey "
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and one eye?
A winky wonky.
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs, one eye, and listens to country music?
A honky tonky winky wonky.
Red. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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my last one..... Mr & Mrs Blobbly are in bed, Mrs Blobbly says "blib blob blobble blub bibble bob bubbly blib". Mr Blobbly says "for fuck sake just swallow it".
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"what do u call a donkey with three legs.......A wonkey
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and one eye?
A winky wonky.
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs, one eye, and listens to country music?
A honky tonky winky wonky.
Red. "
Do you know his cousin, He's always filthy? He's called Manky honky tonky winky wonky... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating." The man says, "Why?" The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical." |
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By *-ManMan
over a year ago
Kark |
A guy and his new wife go for a drink and they bump into her ex husband, the ex is a prick and say "what's it like riding a 2nd hand pussy?"
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Guy says to ex "After the first 2 inches its like new" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"my last one..... Mr & Mrs Blobbly are in bed, Mrs Blobbly says "blib blob blobble blub bibble bob bubbly blib". Mr Blobbly says "for fuck sake just swallow it".
"
This has to be your best one so far
As Mrs Blobby would say "keep them cumin" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man called the psni and reported that he and 4 of his neighbours have been headbutted by a 6ft cockroach when they opened their front door. The police told him that theyre aware theres a nasty bug going around" |
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" |
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"A man finds a snail on his porch, he picks it up and throws it across the road. A year later he hears a knock on the door, he answers it and the snail says "What the fuck was THAT all about?!" "
PMSL ...
thank you
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The GP says to his patient:Sir, you are an anatomic miracle. You got three balls". Leaving the doctor the man approaches some random fellow on the street:"Can you imagine that the two of us have 5 balls together?". The man looked at him with pity and replied:"Poor you, have you got only one?" |
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A couple were having a dinner party in their house near the beach. The woman fancied something different so she sent her husband off to collect some snails along the beach. Off he went with his bucket and started collecting them. As he was returning home he bumped into an old flame that he still fancied and they got chatting. She invited him back to hers and they went at it for hours. It was 3 in the morning when he got home and realised he had no key with him. After a few attempts at opening the door he could hear his wife storming down the stairs and she was going to be really angry Just before the door opened he quickly emptied the snails all over the steps and as his wife looked out he looked down at the snails on the ground and said "right lads,come on, we're almost there"  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A couple were having a dinner party in their house near the beach. The woman fancied something different so she sent her husband off to collect some snails along the beach. Off he went with his bucket and started collecting them. As he was returning home he bumped into an old flame that he still fancied and they got chatting. She invited him back to hers and they went at it for hours. It was 3 in the morning when he got home and realised he had no key with him. After a few attempts at opening the door he could hear his wife storming down the stairs and she was going to be really angry Just before the door opened he quickly emptied the snails all over the steps and as his wife looked out he looked down at the snails on the ground and said "right lads,come on, we're almost there" "
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A young Galway woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.
"With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I'm getting a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Arran Islands Ferry."
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