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august jokes...join in

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, walked into a bar in

Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she

pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a woman drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end

of the bar, an owly-eyed d*unk slammed his hand down on the counter and

bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,

Revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little d*unk slapped his money down on the bar and

said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little d*unk and said, "Tell me,

Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do

you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The d*unk replied,

"Sure enough, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a

ballerina!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife couldn't even solve this simple anagram - Praised Hero.

So i raped her.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.

The first one tells her friends,"My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'."

The second one chirps "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says' your Grace'."

The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence.

The first three ladies all ask, "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a 6' 2" hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, 'My God...'!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

father and son are at the zoo, and looking at the elephant on display......

Son: "Dad, what's that thing hangin' down on the elephant?"

Father: "That's his trunk, son."

Son: "No, Dad, the other end!"

Father: "Oh, that's his tail."

Son: "No, Dad, further forward, between its legs!"

Father: "Oh, that's his penis, boy!"

Son: "Well, when me and Mom was here and I asked HER, she got all red in the face and told me 'Nothing', Dad!"

Father: "Your mother's a very spoiled woman, son!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I just stole the collection box from the local epilepsy society.

They will have a fucking fit when they find out.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A Dog's parents never visit or show up unannounced.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a Dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're d*unk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A Dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get

another Dog?"

10. If a Dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A Dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a

pervert.

12. If a Dog smells another Dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think

it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14 Dogs like to stick their heads out of the car window and let their hair blow everwhere

And last, but certainly not least:

15. If a Dog leaves, it won't take half of your Money.

Ultimate True Test: Lock your Wife and your Dog in the trunk of your car for

an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wife with PMT "do you want any dinner?"

husband "what are my choices?"

Wife " YES OR FUCKING NO!!!!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.

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By *lderguy4funMan over a year ago

ROTHERHAM

sorry but mostof these jokes are abit sick

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A precious little girl walks into a PetShop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,

mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,

or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!

... Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is *Fiji Islands

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Men are Honest - even if they have to lie:: Honorable MEN

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a lady is reading this article then I hope she has a sense of humour !

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE ."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jolie, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

"WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I got one of those anti-bullying bracelets today.I didnt buy it though, I knicked it off a fat ginger kid.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I once dated two anorexic chicks. It was like two birds , one stone.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"sorry but mostof these jokes are abit sick "

Well dont read them!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home d*unk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home d*unk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home d*unk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?

(and for the benefit of oldbuthard above I am not condoning domestic violence! lol)

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home d*unk he beats me to a pulp."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home d*unk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?

(and for the benefit of oldbuthard above I am not condoning domestic violence! lol)

thats a cracker "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions roite. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "Tell me now, and how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple, on question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know' and you put down, ‘Neither do I’.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Smoking. Nothing says you're gay like putting your lips to the butt of a fag and sucking.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I had to think about that one lol.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Little Long Johnny and his mother were out and about. Little Long Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

Little Long Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Long Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The Little Long Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the Little Long Johnny and his mother are out and about again. The Little Long Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Long Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Long Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this, he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied. 'You've gotta be kiddin'me.' 'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

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