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weekend joke,add yours
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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An owner of a golf course in Dublin was confused about paying an invoice. So, he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Trinity College, and I need some help."
"What's the problem," said his secretary.
"If I were to give you 20,000 euro, minus 14 percent, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Dublin women |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Rob Green has trained today and in 3 hours he had 4,000 shots fired at him and he did not concede a single goal. Tomorrow, himself and Heskey are training with the rest of the England squad.....  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog
crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able
to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries
him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he
will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the
car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it
very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man
that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish
and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next
beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his
wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says.......
.
.
"Could I please have
another look at the dog?" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy and Mary where having a secret affair, one day during a hot romping session, Mary shouts 'omg, my husband, I think he's home, quick jump out tge window' Paddy says 'but we are on the Thirteenth floor' to which Mary replies 'Ffs now's not a time to get superstitious'  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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tried to join a dating agency today but
got rejected: when they asked me the
question 'what do you like best in a
man?' they wouldn't accept 'a knife lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i just said to my wife "right sexy, upstairs, NOW"
She looked at me and replied "ohh ya kinky b*"tard"
i said ""no seriously, the match is coming on now, so fook off!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An old one but one of my fav's
A UFO lands on earth with a male and female alien. Out and about they come across a newly married couple with a very open mind towards their sex lives they get talking and quite comfortable with eachother and decise to swap partners.
Off they go and the Earthing female groups up with her new alien partner. He takes off his clothes to reveal a rather small appendage. The woman is a little dissapointed and tells the alien exactly why.
“It’s a little short,” offers the woman.
“Not to worry!” procliams the alien and he then begins patting his head. Like magic his member increases its size dramatically.
“It’s a little thin, too,” says the woman.
The alien then pulls his ears and immediatley his organ widens. They then embark on an amazing sexual experience.
Later that night, the aliens fly off again into space.
“How was your experience?” the husband asks his wife.
“OH, absolutely amazing, truly marvelous! How about yours?” the wife asks her husband
“Weird, all she kept doing was patting my head and pulling my ears!”
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.
The Scotsman takes a bottle of whiskey with him, the Irishman takes an umbrella and the Englishman takes a car door.
On the way they meet tan old Bedouin man.
He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty",
He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you",
"but" he says to the Englishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Englishman replies..........
"If I get hot I can wind the window down!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A very successful LA lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell telephone, dialed 911, and it was not more than 5 minutes before a police officer pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it like new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?.... It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Oh My God!" screamed the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left elbow where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!!!!!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Boy asks his mum "why am i black but you are white?
Mum replies "dont even go there. the state of me at that party you are lucky u dont bark!""
v good mate. 2 crackers |
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