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sunday jokes...add yours

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more 'special'."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account," he said.

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, What do you mean there's more. She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Boots and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, thank you very much.

That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e-m y-t e s t-r e s u l t s-b a c k ? '

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By *ts artMan over a year ago

Londonderry

A couple wanted to join the church. The vicar told them,

"We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one entire month."

The couple agreed, but after two and a half weeks returned to the church.

The wife was crying, and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the vicar inquired.

"We are ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex one whole month," the man replied sadly.

The vicar asked what had happened.

"Well, although the first week was difficult we managed to abstain through willpower. The second week was terrible, but the use of prayer helped us.

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. But, one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of beans and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust, and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. "It lasted over an hour, and when we were done, we were both drenched in sweat," admitted the man, filled with shame.

The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you are not welcome in our church."

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Dunnes Stores either."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.

He went into Marshall Fields, and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas ."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

"What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes, sir What size? and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan

counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you

a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied..............

"From the floor ma'am.......From the floor."

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.

He went into Marshall Fields, and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas ."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

"What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes, sir What size? and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas ."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan

counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you

a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied..............

"From the floor ma'am.......From the floor."

v good

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two little boys are upstairs playing one day when the older boy turns to the younger brother and say " You know what. I think its about time we started swearing!"

The young brother says " Yeah, lets do it"

older says " I'll start, you follow!"

They both go down stairs and mum says " Morning boys. What do you want for breakfast?"

Older boy says " Ahh SHIT mum think i'll haved some coco pops!"

WALLOP!!!! Mum slams his head and he runs up the stairs screaming.

SHe Glares at the young lad and say sternly " And what do YOU want for breakfast??"

As he is standing there trembling he says " I dont know Mum but it wont be fucking coco-pops!!"

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