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monday jokes. join in

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Bath Night

A couple living in a small Midlands village take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to darts, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before.”

"I know," he replied, "but the darts team hadn't!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

bit of an oldie next...but a goodie

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to

the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the

headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine

and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,

get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee

down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

"His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee

hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes

in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!,

WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.

It Works Every Time!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

A woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a 'double entendre'.

So the barman gave her one.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Little Sammy came running into the house and asked, "Mummy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mother, "Of course not."

Little Sammy then ran back outside and his mother heard him shout out to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.

1st: How yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?

1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours???

No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and he noticed someone near the train shouting at one of the departing passengers, "Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!"

The man was stunned.

After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who had been shouting and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you just tell that man his wife was a great lay?"

The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I don't want to hurt his feelings."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

two gays where in bed when one turned to the other and said "will you give me breakfast in bed"

the second one sai"no you will only play with yourself"

with that the first responds "no i will be good"

so the second one goes off makes breakfast even puts a flower in a vase. feelin very please with himself enters into the room. only to be shocked with the sight he found

"you did it and you pormise not too"

"i only farted"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"two gays where in bed when one turned to the other and said "will you give me breakfast in bed"

the second one sai"no you will only play with yourself"

with that the first responds "no i will be good"

so the second one goes off makes breakfast even puts a flower in a vase. feelin very please with himself enters into the room. only to be shocked with the sight he found

"you did it and you pormise not too"

"i only farted""

very good

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over "How's the second-hand PUSSY?"

Quick as a flash, her lover replies "Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Who Said Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have been out of jail today and a free man!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

....then the fight started

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a petrol station.....

And then the fight started....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Lite for £14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.You might have gotten disability, too.

And then the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a d*unken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?''Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An Italian, Scotsman and Chinaman...

are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesa fella that he a wasain a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you toshovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinaman leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!!!!'

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