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Joke time ;0)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.

The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

I love this next joke

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.

"Nope." "Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

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By *ts artMan over a year ago

Londonderry

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the "Birds and the Bees".

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech.

At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wife asks husband,

"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,

"Only you, darling -

With all the others,

I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are

10:00 a.m. To 4:00 p.m.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t!!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for

play - normally one club & two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of

the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club

in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For the most effective play, the club should have

a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check

shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to measure the length

of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes

as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that

play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being

denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole

immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced

player will normally take time to admire the course,

with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses

they have played or are currently playing to the owner

of the course being played. Upset course owners have

been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear

along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match

has been properly scheduled. Particularly when a new

course is being played for the first time. Previous

players have been known to become irate if they discover

someone else playing what they consider to be a private

course.

11. Players should not assume that the course is in

shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed

if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.

Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this

situation. More experienced players will find alternate

means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's

permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; However, players should

be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily,

at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time

permitting, to play the same hole several times in

one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who

is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering

membership at a given course. Additional assessments

may be levied by the course owner and the rules are

subject to change. For this reason many players prefer

to continue to play several different courses.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know exactly where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "You know Alexis, that cute little blonde

waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed charges of sexual harrasment against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'."

"The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

my mate told me he is shagging a pair of twins, i said "how do you tell them apart?" he said "its easy julie has long blonde hair and derek has a moustache!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'??

He declines.. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's

this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'??

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup,

homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for

food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'would you

like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'??

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra.... I'm

still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says,

'Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking

starving!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his

coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red

roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their

good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the

heart closed again.

It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why

are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a

Gynaecologist ......."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'it's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me.'

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By *ettybo907Woman over a year ago

derry

A man is sunbathing with his hat covering his cock!2 women walk past and one sniggers,

If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady!

The man replies,

If you were"nt so fucking ugly the hat would lift itself!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A man is sunbathing with his hat covering his cock!2 women walk past and one sniggers,

If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady!

The man replies,

If you were"nt so fucking ugly the hat would lift itself!

PMSL

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By *ettybo907Woman over a year ago

derry

Man gets pissed at the bar!Tries 2 stand up and falls down,drags himself home,

Then tries 2 open the door and falls again.

Drags himself inside and falls into bed,

Wife says in the morning u wer pissed again last nite!

How do you know he replies!

Cos the bar ring to say you forget ur fucking wheelchair!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

got an email today from cousin in Vancouver

it reads as follows

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife, Julie

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The

effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat

to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it

home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity

darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that

it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a

second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised,

now am I wrong there no I’m not

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a

tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second

burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,

body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging

to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. An at least ten second burst is going to occur

SON-OF-A-BITCH, IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs

I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.;

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'I know this guy If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

........................................

from

bettys little helper

oh and a ps from me does any one want to do sum of that electro stimulation fetish stuff

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the

beaches of Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, 'explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'We proceeded a little further her and horse stumbled again. Once

more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

'We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you friggin crazy?!

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'And from that moment we have lived happily every after.'

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