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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Doctor, doctor, please kiss me!" says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.
Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't!" he says. Five minutes later, she asks again, "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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100 ways you know you’re a Swinger!
1. You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
2. Half of the numbers on your cell phone are listed only by screen names.
3. You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you can’t go out with them this weekend.
4. You have over 50,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
5. You know most of your friends’ by their first names (Rich & Jen, Frank & Beth) but you don’t know their last names.
6. You have more lingerie than a hooker.
7. You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
8. You position the computer screen in such a way your children can’t sneak up on you.
9. You can’t remember the last time you had pubic hair.
10. Before traveling somewhere, you look up couples in that area.
11. You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags and don’t leave until Sunday afternoon.
12. Your spouse asks you if you want to have sex, and your first thought is”With who?”
13. Your gynecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
14. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
15. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
16. Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”
17. You have a stripper’s pole in the middle of your den.
18. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join you for a foursome.
19. The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife’s thong.
20. You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked.
21. You hear the word “Playmate” and your first thought is NOT “Playboy”
22. The word “slut” has become a term of endearment.
23. You remember to bring lube before you remember to bring lipstick.
24. Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t give you rug burns.
25. You’ve taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
26. The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavor to you.
27. You bet your wife who can score first with that cute girl.
28. You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends’ houses.
29. You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when it’s freezing outside.
30. Your wedding reception has an after party.
31. You get dressed for a party and don’t worry about comfort because your clothes won’t be on for very long.
32. You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.
33. You’ve invited friends over and watched porn.
34. You’ve invited friends over and made porn.
35. You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s breasts.
36. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
37. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don’t fit you or your wife.
38. Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.
39. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
40. You believe in Unicorns… Because you’ve actually ridden one.
41. You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
42. You take photos of yourself with your head out of the frames, on purpose.
43. You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear tonight.
44. You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed… And your guest bed… And your couch in the living room.
45. Every day is “Hump Day”, not just Wednesday.
46. You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining how you know certain people.
47. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
48. You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
49. You place a ad that reads: “Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn’t ask any questions.”
50. You choose furniture based on which best repels semen stains.
51. The staffs at Hedo and Desire send you birthday cards.
52. You come home with that, “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle.
53. The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives, even in summer.
54. In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls.
55. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
56. All of your vacation photos were taken inside your hotel room.
57. You have free places to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.
58. You’ve ended e-mails with “Bi-Bi”.
59. You can expertly identify the differences between every type of breast implants.
60. On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in front of your family.
61. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
62. Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
63. The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.
64. It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.
65. You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
66. You actually installed a lock on a bedroom closet door that holds your sex-swing and other fun stuff.
67. You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will turn on one of your home videos you forgot to hide.
68. You make bets about how long it will take to “convert” your vanilla friend.
69. You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
70. Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and decide …” Here’s how we know each other…”
71. You start having withdrawals if the swinger’s web site is down.
72. When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.
73. You ask a guy to teach you “That thing you do with your fingers that my wife enjoys so much.”
74. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
75. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
76. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
77. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
78. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
79. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
80. You’ve handed out business cards that have nothing to do with your occupation.
81. Your sexual fantasies never last very long… Because they keep coming true!
82. You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
83. You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
84. You buy lap dances for your wife… And vice versa.
85. You own a double-headed dildo.
86. You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
87. You’re at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, lube and Red Bull.
88. On vacation you set aside time to take pictures that are actually acceptable to show to your family.
89. After 25 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.
90. You’ve had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single.
91. Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.
92. The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you’re on your period.
93. Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman’s perfume and it brings a smile to your face.
94. On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
95. You tell your friends not to call while your parents are in town.
96. You never make it to the drive-thru before they quit serving breakfast, on your way home.
97. You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.
98. You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
99. You spent twice as long on your profile than you did on your resume.
100. You laughed out loud at 25 or more of these! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them was playing like they wanted to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?” asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP, the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
can't stress enough grammar's importance: Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Guy gets asked by a waiter while his wifes in da loo .. N what will the lady be having ? to which he replies after a short pause . Probably a shit I'd say  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Two interesting facts about me
1) my mickey is the same length as two Argos pens
2) I'm no longer welcome in Argos"
what's it they say Michael n inch in and an inch out n a inch in n out |
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"Two interesting facts about me
1) my mickey is the same length as two Argos pens
2) I'm no longer welcome in Argos what's it they say Michael n inch in and an inch out n a inch in n out "
Feck. I'd need another inch for that  |
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"100 ways you know you’re a Swinger!
1. You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
2. Half of the numbers on your cell phone are listed only by screen names.
3. You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you can’t go out with them this weekend.
4. You have over 50,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
5. You know most of your friends’ by their first names (Rich & Jen, Frank & Beth) but you don’t know their last names.
6. You have more lingerie than a hooker.
7. You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
8. You position the computer screen in such a way your children can’t sneak up on you.
9. You can’t remember the last time you had pubic hair.
10. Before traveling somewhere, you look up couples in that area.
11. You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags and don’t leave until Sunday afternoon.
12. Your spouse asks you if you want to have sex, and your first thought is”With who?”
13. Your gynecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
14. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
15. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
16. Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”
17. You have a stripper’s pole in the middle of your den.
18. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join you for a foursome.
19. The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife’s thong.
20. You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked.
21. You hear the word “Playmate” and your first thought is NOT “Playboy”
22. The word “slut” has become a term of endearment.
23. You remember to bring lube before you remember to bring lipstick.
24. Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t give you rug burns.
25. You’ve taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
26. The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavor to you.
27. You bet your wife who can score first with that cute girl.
28. You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends’ houses.
29. You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when it’s freezing outside.
30. Your wedding reception has an after party.
31. You get dressed for a party and don’t worry about comfort because your clothes won’t be on for very long.
32. You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.
33. You’ve invited friends over and watched porn.
34. You’ve invited friends over and made porn.
35. You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s breasts.
36. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
37. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don’t fit you or your wife.
38. Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.
39. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
40. You believe in Unicorns… Because you’ve actually ridden one.
41. You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
42. You take photos of yourself with your head out of the frames, on purpose.
43. You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear tonight.
44. You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed… And your guest bed… And your couch in the living room.
45. Every day is “Hump Day”, not just Wednesday.
46. You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining how you know certain people.
47. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
48. You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
49. You place a ad that reads: “Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn’t ask any questions.”
50. You choose furniture based on which best repels semen stains.
51. The staffs at Hedo and Desire send you birthday cards.
52. You come home with that, “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle.
53. The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives, even in summer.
54. In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls.
55. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
56. All of your vacation photos were taken inside your hotel room.
57. You have free places to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.
58. You’ve ended e-mails with “Bi-Bi”.
59. You can expertly identify the differences between every type of breast implants.
60. On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in front of your family.
61. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
62. Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
63. The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.
64. It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.
65. You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
66. You actually installed a lock on a bedroom closet door that holds your sex-swing and other fun stuff.
67. You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will turn on one of your home videos you forgot to hide.
68. You make bets about how long it will take to “convert” your vanilla friend.
69. You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
70. Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and decide …” Here’s how we know each other…”
71. You start having withdrawals if the swinger’s web site is down.
72. When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.
73. You ask a guy to teach you “That thing you do with your fingers that my wife enjoys so much.”
74. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
75. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
76. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
77. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
78. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
79. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
80. You’ve handed out business cards that have nothing to do with your occupation.
81. Your sexual fantasies never last very long… Because they keep coming true!
82. You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
83. You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
84. You buy lap dances for your wife… And vice versa.
85. You own a double-headed dildo.
86. You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
87. You’re at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, lube and Red Bull.
88. On vacation you set aside time to take pictures that are actually acceptable to show to your family.
89. After 25 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.
90. You’ve had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single.
91. Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.
92. The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you’re on your period.
93. Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman’s perfume and it brings a smile to your face.
94. On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
95. You tell your friends not to call while your parents are in town.
96. You never make it to the drive-thru before they quit serving breakfast, on your way home.
97. You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.
98. You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
99. You spent twice as long on your profile than you did on your resume.
100. You laughed out loud at 25 or more of these!"
if you wrote all that out fair play to you  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I got a new stick deodorant today the instructions said : take off cap, stick up bottom, i can barely walk, but whenever i fart , the room smells lovely :D |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?" |
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