FabSwingers.com > Forums > Ireland > Perceptions of open relationships
Perceptions of open relationships
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I came across a thread on the Ireland subreddit the other day discussing open relationships. The original post is deleted now, but basically the person said that he and a mate of his were having pints when the mate “broke down” and admitted that he and his wife were in an open relationship, and that the wife was currently in a hotel with a lover.
The details provided were scant, but the consensus among the replies was that from the wording chosen by the poster that the mate was none too happy with the arrangement, that perhaps he had been Shanghaied into it by a wife who wanted to have her cake and eat it too.
The above is just background and I’m getting to my actual point now: what struck me most about the discussion was the number of people who had the viewpoint that an open relationship could only ever work if it was established early on. That seems at odds with what I observe here and elsewhere: it looks to me that 1) many (maybe even most?) couples that get involved in non-monogamy do so after starting out as monogamous and 2) opening things up later on in the relationship can certainly work out well.
I’d speculate that the majority of the people stating that viewpoint on Reddit have no first-hand experience with non-monogamy outside of perhaps cheating. I’d also go out on a limb and say that people involved in swinging would have a very different take on the topic of opening things up later on in a relationship.
I just found the preconceptions voiced on Reddit to be surprising. What do people here think? Would you agree with them or does your experience run contrary to it?
I’m not sure if I can link to the Reddit post here so I’ll leave it out for now. In any case I think I’ve adequately represented the piece that inspired this post. |
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I saw that post. Did you see the votes down that guy got for saying that his mate has no business in their marriage, their marriage was between them, and them only?
I thought what he said was on point, but the vast majority thought that his mate had the right to interfere in their marriage.
What gives ?? Any follow up? |
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From an outsider pov: it seems to me, many men want to open the relationship to get access to more sex and maybe group stuff.
Then the female half gets lots of attention in a male dominated sex site (if they use one).
Then male half feels unsettled.
The danger is the lady getting most of the attention and the man feeling insecure and jealous of the mismatch of attention/success.
Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it! |
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"I saw that post. Did you see the votes down that guy got for saying that his mate has no business in their marriage, their marriage was between them, and them only?
I thought what he said was on point, but the vast majority thought that his mate had the right to interfere in their marriage.
What gives ?? Any follow up?"
I’m not sure I saw that one, but I’m inclined to agree with you. The original poster’s involvement should be limited to providing his friend (the guy in the unhealthy sounding relationship) with moral support and encouragement to stand up for himself. Anything beyond that is inappropriate |
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"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it! "
Quite true. In this instance I think it was the woman who pushed for opening up though, at least it read that way to me. Lots of people speculated that the wife was already cheating and the open relationship idea was just to get license for it.
As I said, actual details were scant. Also, I might be mis-remembering. Those aspects of the thread were not so relevant for what piqued my curiosity, which was the negative perception of established couples opening up. |
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"I saw that post. Did you see the votes down that guy got for saying that his mate has no business in their marriage, their marriage was between them, and them only?
I thought what he said was on point, but the vast majority thought that his mate had the right to interfere in their marriage.
What gives ?? Any follow up?
I’m not sure I saw that one, but I’m inclined to agree with you. The original poster’s involvement should be limited to providing his friend (the guy in the unhealthy sounding relationship) with moral support and encouragement to stand up for himself. Anything beyond that is inappropriate "
Agreed, I just found it strange he comes on social media to put it out there. I feel for the guy who blurted it out, it must have been upsetting him, but no one has the right to get involved and potentially break up a family because they think that's the solution to the problem, and I'm being the big guy helping "my mate". He could have just listened and help him rationalise things out. |
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I think you'll get a lot of different answers to this.
The common denominator is that couples that thrive in enm style relationships are secure in themselves, confident in their choices and trusting in their partner.
That may happen over time after establishing a relationship or it may be the arrangement from the get go, particularly if they have previous experience with enm. |
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I don't think open relationships are for everyone.
I think that possibly couples who aren't suited to it might try it as a last resort to save a relationship and that gives the perception or it not working unless introduced early.
I think that the openess to it or at least to an openess to discuss each others wants and needs does need to be established early even if that doesn't specifically mention poly etc... |
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I saw that post. I think the point was that his partner was saying that she needed this, but he didn't really want it and was upset by the idea.
For this to work in any way at all the both parties need to be happy with it. When someone isn't then it's asking for disaster |
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Yeah I saw that thread on Reddit too. The responses were an eye opener to the extent that most people aren’t living within my own echo chamber of Fab and Feeld. Many people can’t distinguish swinging from cheating. Either way the guy is a cuck and his partner doesn’t respect him.
As you explained ,the circumstances in question did indicate that the guy wasn’t fully committed to opening the relationship, or was still struggling to process it.
For most non monogamous people, once the penny drops and it processes, there’s usually no looking back, and the ‘normal’ relationship standards almost seem backward. In reality of course the attitudes of swingers are still very much the exception. |
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"From an outsider pov: it seems to me, many men want to open the relationship to get access to more sex and maybe group stuff.
Then the female half gets lots of attention in a male dominated sex site (if they use one).
Then male half feels unsettled.
The danger is the lady getting most of the attention and the man feeling insecure and jealous of the mismatch of attention/success.
Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it! "
You get guys in here all the time asking about how to get their wife into swinging.
Talking about how they like more sex or want to experience more, explore kinks etc. Completely oblivious to the fact that if she gets into it and enjoys it she would have the opportunity to be open to a lot more experiences than him! |
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Those posts are problematic because they can easily be someone getting a humiliation kick out of being cucked (often in fantasyland) as opposed to someone who genuinely is looking for advice on the situation he genuinely doesn't want to be in. |
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From the information we have here, she is very much in the wrong. No regard for their relationship.
Has he agreed, just to keep her happy and she is taking advantage?
He is not a cuck, that's not how it should work. Maybe he needs to get active, check her response!  |
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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago
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Ok the first thing that comes to me is was this a desion that was rushed into. By the sounds of it she wants it more than him. Did he say yes to keep her happy. When myself and the wife chose this path we did it after may chats and weeks inbetween . It is something not to be rushed.
But also as someone else has said yes it is very much set in the womans favour. The wife can have any number of dates etc where as i find it hard even getting a reply. But thats life and not her fault so why be anoyed or upset with her for that.!!! |
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Saw this comment too.
Its pretty depressing stuff, how many commenters said they would break up with a partner if they expressed any interest in non-monogamy.
It seems bizarre to me that people can think that way when a threesome is just about the most common fantasy out there - most people might like the idea but wouldn't cheat or break up if it wasn't something the partner was okay with.
There was a TON of assumptions in the comments based entirely on the phrasing that "he broke down and told me he and is wife are opening up their relationship"
The assumption being she forced him into it.
It's very common for people to struggle with mismatched success even after they consensually agree to open up. Opening up isn't always easy.
One reason so many of us are swingers and NOT in an open relationship is an effort to avoid potential feelings of jealousy or one partner being left out.
The comments seemed to think non-monogamy is rare. but I disagree. i'd wager nearly everyone had an acquaintance whose dabbled in it. |
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"Saw this comment too.
Its pretty depressing stuff, how many commenters said they would break up with a partner if they expressed any interest in non-monogamy.
"
Why is this depressing?
Everyone is entitled to seek the type of relationship that suits them.
|
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People can indeed have the relationships they want. But non-monogamous people are ridiculed, and sometimes even faced with disgust and contempt. Some people can even be disowned by their families.
Ideally people would just say "not for me, but you do you".
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"People can indeed have the relationships they want. But non-monogamous people are ridiculed, and sometimes even faced with disgust and contempt. Some people can even be disowned by their families.
Ideally people would just say "not for me, but you do you".
"
Ah ok, but those are two different things.
Breaking up with someone that wants enm is "not for me buy you do you"
I agree that they wouldn't be ridiculed |
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"From the information we have here, she is very much in the wrong. No regard for their relationship.
Has he agreed, just to keep her happy and she is taking advantage?
He is not a cuck, that's not how it should work. Maybe he needs to get active, check her response! "
I agree! So this is coming from someone who leads both lives. My husband is a cuck. I also would consider myself polyamorous. Now that being said my husband is my main partner, he is my rock and everything, if we need to stop or take a break his feelings absoultely come before the feelings of my secondary partner, if that’s a fwb or even further a romantic partner, those partners are well aware of that coming into my space. Regardless of if (the situation disscused) is “open” or “cuckold” at the end of the day in this situation the basics of most enm/cuck relations aren’t being followed. The only way these relationships can be held in a healthy way is strong communication between all partners. Frequent check ins are key. If your relationship is open there will always be a slight hierarchy due to time and length of your relationship with your 1st partner always being longer. And if the core relationship which lead to enm isn’t strong enough it will not work, in my honest opinion. |
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"Yeah I saw that thread on Reddit too. The responses were an eye opener to the extent that most people aren’t living within my own echo chamber of Fab and Feeld. Many people can’t distinguish swinging from cheating. Either way the guy is a cuck and his partner doesn’t respect him.
As you explained ,the circumstances in question did indicate that the guy wasn’t fully committed to opening the relationship, or was still struggling to process it.
For most non monogamous people, once the penny drops and it processes, there’s usually no looking back, and the ‘normal’ relationship standards almost seem backward. In reality of course the attitudes of swingers are still very much the exception."
Yes this was essentially my own response to it: surprise at other people’s interpretations/perceptions of non-monogamy.
Even before I started exploring this subject for my own curiosity, my default assumption was always that for most people it would take a huge amount of trust and negotiation to make it work, and while it certainly is possible to start a relationship on a non-monogamous basis, moving in the direction over time seems equally viable. I was taken aback that so many people were sceptical of this, that their intuitions were so different to mine.
"I don't think open relationships are for everyone.
I think that possibly couples who aren't suited to it might try it as a last resort to save a relationship and that gives the perception or it not working unless introduced early.
I think that the openess to it or at least to an openess to discuss each others wants and needs does need to be established early even if that doesn't specifically mention poly etc..."
This could well be what’s behind it. Many times I’ve witnessed mentions of non-monogamy in mainstream culture where it’s been depicted as a last ditch effort to salvage a doomed relationship. Perhaps a lot more people that I realise still buy into that perception. |
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Fab can be it's own little echo chamber. There are things that are normality here that are not so in most other areas of society.
Mention rimming here and noone bats an eyelid. Do it chatting with the mums waiting outside school and the response will be different. DDLG. CNC. etc etc.
Same goes for non-monongamy. "In real life" attitudes to that are NOT the same as on here. People worry that it will all end in tears. They see it as a social experiment/trend.
Cheating / affairs is another. This is universally villified and considered totally unacceptable in real life, and yet many are open about it here and go happily about their business.
Don't be surprised by this. We are a small niche brought together by activities that most people would think is degenerate. The responses gotten in the real world will not align with responses gotten here. |
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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago
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"Fab can be it's own little echo chamber. There are things that are normality here that are not so in most other areas of society.
Mention rimming here and noone bats an eyelid. Do it chatting with the mums waiting outside school and the response will be different. DDLG. CNC. etc etc.
Same goes for non-monongamy. "In real life" attitudes to that are NOT the same as on here. People worry that it will all end in tears. They see it as a social experiment/trend.
Cheating / affairs is another. This is universally villified and considered totally unacceptable in real life, and yet many are open about it here and go happily about their business.
Don't be surprised by this. We are a small niche brought together by activities that most people would think is degenerate. The responses gotten in the real world will not align with responses gotten here."
Pretty spot on.. I recall when I came out as a person who’s into these wonderful things to my friends. Now they were actually very supportive and intrigued but yeah lol.. or when my dad found my stash of instruments of inflicting pain.. 🙈🤣 |
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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago
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"From the information we have here, she is very much in the wrong. No regard for their relationship.
Has he agreed, just to keep her happy and she is taking advantage?
He is not a cuck, that's not how it should work. Maybe he needs to get active, check her response!
I agree! So this is coming from someone who leads both lives. My husband is a cuck. I also would consider myself polyamorous. Now that being said my husband is my main partner, he is my rock and everything, if we need to stop or take a break his feelings absoultely come before the feelings of my secondary partner, if that’s a fwb or even further a romantic partner, those partners are well aware of that coming into my space. Regardless of if (the situation disscused) is “open” or “cuckold” at the end of the day in this situation the basics of most enm/cuck relations aren’t being followed. The only way these relationships can be held in a healthy way is strong communication between all partners. Frequent check ins are key. If your relationship is open there will always be a slight hierarchy due to time and length of your relationship with your 1st partner always being longer. And if the core relationship which lead to enm isn’t strong enough it will not work, in my honest opinion. "
I didn’t say this earlier because I was taken aback but your relationship with your husband is something I dream of and aspire to have one day.. the level of respect you have for him should be the norm but I’ve rarely experienced this. |
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"From the information we have here, she is very much in the wrong. No regard for their relationship.
Has he agreed, just to keep her happy and she is taking advantage?
He is not a cuck, that's not how it should work. Maybe he needs to get active, check her response!
I agree! So this is coming from someone who leads both lives. My husband is a cuck. I also would consider myself polyamorous. Now that being said my husband is my main partner, he is my rock and everything, if we need to stop or take a break his feelings absoultely come before the feelings of my secondary partner, if that’s a fwb or even further a romantic partner, those partners are well aware of that coming into my space. Regardless of if (the situation disscused) is “open” or “cuckold” at the end of the day in this situation the basics of most enm/cuck relations aren’t being followed. The only way these relationships can be held in a healthy way is strong communication between all partners. Frequent check ins are key. If your relationship is open there will always be a slight hierarchy due to time and length of your relationship with your 1st partner always being longer. And if the core relationship which lead to enm isn’t strong enough it will not work, in my honest opinion.
I didn’t say this earlier because I was taken aback but your relationship with your husband is something I dream of and aspire to have one day.. the level of respect you have for him should be the norm but I’ve rarely experienced this. "
Thank you! Honestly, he’s the best partner I could have chosen, which makes things so much easier. Don’t get me wrong, I may make it seem like everything is perfect all the time, but it’s not. The key for us is that we’re both good communicators, and I think that’s why our relationship works. If something’s wrong, we either fix it or at least talk about it. Neither of us can read minds, so the only way to handle any issues that come up is by talking. It may not be the norm for everyone, but I believe if you’re not willing to communicate when things get tough, that person might not be right for you. It doesn’t have to be immediate, but you should always talk things through. |
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By *panishRebelMan 5 weeks ago
Alicante Spain, and Cork City Ireland |
"Fab can be it's own little echo chamber. There are things that are normality here that are not so in most other areas of society.
Mention rimming here and noone bats an eyelid. Do it chatting with the mums waiting outside school and the response will be different. DDLG. CNC. etc etc.
Same goes for non-monongamy. "In real life" attitudes to that are NOT the same as on here. People worry that it will all end in tears. They see it as a social experiment/trend.
Cheating / affairs is another. This is universally villified and considered totally unacceptable in real life, and yet many are open about it here and go happily about their business.
Don't be surprised by this. We are a small niche brought together by activities that most people would think is degenerate. The responses gotten in the real world will not align with responses gotten here."
For me Fab is definitely an echo chamber. It's like a conch shell where you hear the sea only when you bring it right up to your ear. It's real life, but separate from daily mainstream life.
For those in a genuinely open relationship (fair f..xks), it's real life but in a minority of society.
I reckon for most, like myself, Fab is a place to dabble in once in a while rather then a full expression of a lifestyle. But then there's bound to be every conceivable extreme and in-between too. |
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We are essential swingers who can meet and play separately but rarely do as find the together dynamic turns us both on. But willingness to meet separately which we are is often referred to as an open relationship. Not sure that definition is strictly correct and polyamory is possibly the better description of an open relationship |
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Polyamorous and polysexual refers to the ability to love more than one person rather than the relationship. A person can be Polyamorous and polysexual or one or the other. They can also be part of an open or closed relationship.
A polycule refers to a unit of people who share love and intimacy with each other. Some people can be Polyamorous without being sexual- it's more complicated than defining a relationship- it's more so a person's ability to love than their relationship.
I'm polyamorous and polysexual for example but currently only have one partner - i have been in a thruple previously- many moons ago - i have also been in monogamous and open relationships but throughout those me the person was and always has been poly. |
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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago
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"From the information we have here, she is very much in the wrong. No regard for their relationship.
Has he agreed, just to keep her happy and she is taking advantage?
He is not a cuck, that's not how it should work. Maybe he needs to get active, check her response!
I agree! So this is coming from someone who leads both lives. My husband is a cuck. I also would consider myself polyamorous. Now that being said my husband is my main partner, he is my rock and everything, if we need to stop or take a break his feelings absoultely come before the feelings of my secondary partner, if that’s a fwb or even further a romantic partner, those partners are well aware of that coming into my space. Regardless of if (the situation disscused) is “open” or “cuckold” at the end of the day in this situation the basics of most enm/cuck relations aren’t being followed. The only way these relationships can be held in a healthy way is strong communication between all partners. Frequent check ins are key. If your relationship is open there will always be a slight hierarchy due to time and length of your relationship with your 1st partner always being longer. And if the core relationship which lead to enm isn’t strong enough it will not work, in my honest opinion.
I didn’t say this earlier because I was taken aback but your relationship with your husband is something I dream of and aspire to have one day.. the level of respect you have for him should be the norm but I’ve rarely experienced this.
Thank you! Honestly, he’s the best partner I could have chosen, which makes things so much easier. Don’t get me wrong, I may make it seem like everything is perfect all the time, but it’s not. The key for us is that we’re both good communicators, and I think that’s why our relationship works. If something’s wrong, we either fix it or at least talk about it. Neither of us can read minds, so the only way to handle any issues that come up is by talking. It may not be the norm for everyone, but I believe if you’re not willing to communicate when things get tough, that person might not be right for you. It doesn’t have to be immediate, but you should always talk things through."
Nothing is ever perfect but one can make it easier with open honest communication and as you say, nobody can read minds but yeah, it does sound like the ideal relationship that I strive to achieve 🙂 |
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