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How sexually satisfied are you?
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Posting this mainly to vent a little, but also because I seem to enjoy tormenting myself with envy.
[I’m going to preface what I write below by saying that I am ok, even if I may come across otherwise. Thanks in advance for your concern. It’s just frustrating]
My sex life has never been truly fulfilling. It has never reached the heights that I desire for it to take me to. It bothers me.
Right now I’m in the middle of a long dry spell within my marriage - it’s been 6 months without sex and will likely be several more months at least before that changes. Surprising as it may be given what I’ve said above, this dry spell isn’t what bothers me. There are important reasons for it (health issues) and it’s ok with me that sex is off the cards for a while.
What bothers me, what keeps me awake at night is the knowledge that even when it resumes, it will still be inadequate for me. Sex that takes place once a week at best (less often when life gets in the way which happens a lot) and is completely vanilla. It’s lovely when it does happen, but lovely isn’t exactly stoking the flames of desire, is it?
There’s a long and complex history behind the current state of matters, way too much for me to get into here. However what it boils down to is this: my wife and I have very different wants, needs and priorities when it comes to sex. The gaps between us are quite large.
Not long before the current dry spell visited upon us we had some frank and honest conversations about the disconnect and started trying to work together on it. We didn’t get very far though before circumstances changed and put everything on pause. However the break has given me a lot of time to reflect on our sexual dynamic and I can’t say it’s a happy picture.
So that’s my spiel: I ain’t gettin’ any and even if I was it would leave plenty to be desired.
I’d love to hear from others, both similar to me and the polar opposite. How much sex are you having? How much do you want to be having? What’s working well and what’s not?
Hopefully there’ll be some interesting discussion at least. |
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By *asual777Man 10 weeks ago
i travel all over |
Op you will be criticised for cheating , looking for absolution from swingers , not adhering to ethical non monogamy etc. you will be asked why you’re not leaving her , why you haven’t gone to couples therapy , individual therapy , etc. this thread comes up regularly on here .
My advice to you is
Work on yourself : nobody will shag a neurotic mess so gym, swim do yoga meditate see a counsellor etc
Communicate clearly to your wife that sex is a priority to you
I think a lot of people would see once a week vanilla sex as heaven . But with the long breaks like this one I can see you why you’re upset. You’re 37 after all .
The illness thing for me is a red herring . Very few illnesses make sex impossible. For me it’s a sign that you two prioritise sex very differently.
If you have done the above , and there is no change , and you can’t leave , then I think you will end up having sex with other people with all the risks that brings |
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How sexually satisfied are you? Extremely satisfied.
How much sex are you having? 2-3 times per week.
How much do you want to be having? 2-3 times per week.
What’s working well and what’s not? Everything's working well. |
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Great post Casual. To answer your main question, not as much as I would like. My wife is pregnant and has been very tired while being busy creating life, and so hasn't had the energy necessary for sex very regularly as normal. I have been fine with this mostly and have taken matters into my own hands as necessary. I know she priorities sex as much as she can and I understand she isn't as able as she would like. I feel we are a team and part of the partnership is understanding that we support each other in all aspects of our lives and sex is part of that. We talk about sex a lot and we tell each other when we are horny even if we can't have sex. Times with great sex are talked over, and times when one of us isn't as able doesn't stop the communication . I'm sure that if I was no longer able to satisfy her sexual needs that we would talk about it also, and we would be able to come to an arrangement. We understand that sex is an important part of life and so do our best for each other.
In your situation OP it seems that there is a sexual mismatch. From your description it seems that this was the case before these health issues that she has had over the last few months? Were you aware of these sex frequency issues when you decided to marry?
I don't feel it's reasonable to expect someone to live with this part of their lives unfulfilled. Do you guys talk about this? What is her take on it? I feel you need to lay everyone out for her and help her understand that you have unmet needs, and I hope she will understand that and prioritise your needs as well as hers. Having said that the last thing anyone wants is anyone having sex that they don't really want. It would just be that this is something she is unable to change. In which case you will need to decide if this is something that you can live with, come to an arrangement about, or if this is an "irreconcilable differences" thing and you need to go your own ways. |
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Sexyally satisfied: Yes, very.
That said, we're not rampant rabbits.
It depends on so much. Between kids and our own hectic schedules it could be once a week or once a month. But we're not bothered, we have have a great sex life.
What's very important, and I think what most are missing most is intimacy in the relationship. If that's missing, your sex life will be poor regardless of frequency. |
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If you don’t want sex after leaving the work then you are fully satisfied.
Sorry, it’s a joke of course.
Sexual needs are important. It’s a part of our mental and physical health.
You have received a bunch of really nice advice. So try to work on yourself and your communication with your partner. |
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Not as frequent as I'd like as we don't live together. We are only a couple about 10 months in to our relationship. If we did live together (which is being talked about) I would hope most days with the some of them being quickies and some being kinky BDSM related and some of them being sleepy just woke up sex.
I suppose it's new relationship energy but we have a free use agreement and that can see things happen really randomly (like in the middle of cooking) for the quickest fuck leaving me full and leaking and him with the biggest grin.
I'm not going to offer any advice to OP but please think twice before cheating. This place is snowed under with them already. |
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By *astelloWoman 10 weeks ago
Far far away |
I think op bring us a very valid point of sexual mismatch and think it's worth discussing. Most couples have peaks and lows in sexual wants and needs and can discuss same in a open and frank way..unfortunately there are many many health reasons that affect sex lives on both sides. But there also may be sexual mismatch from the start of a relationship. Depends on what factors the couple prioritises as key. Those priorities can also change through out the relationship.
I can completely empathise with you Op. This isn't a clearcut issue despite what others may think.
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I sympathise with you op and your situation.
I'm in the same boat as you in my marriage.
But after being caught on a different site years ago, my wife said that we should work on it.
My sex life increased from never to once a month for the first 2 months and now has diminished again.
Yes I have a lovely lady friend that we meet occasionally, but there's also feelings involved with her.
So decide what you want, taking into account kids, financial reasons and unfortunately the shame from gossipers.
Just my comment |
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Currently fairly inactive sexually, I'd like to be more active but not at any cost. It would have to feel right.
A number of years ago I was in a committed relationship with a healthy active and varied sex life when health issues for my partner interrupted her sex drive. 2 years of zero sex left me frustrated and irrationally annoyed. I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. Bringing up the issue would cause feelings of inadequacy for her and pressure to perform but not addressing it left us without intimacy. I eventually addressed it, caused a lot of upset, I was selfish, inconsiderate and unreasonable in her opinion while in my mind I was trying to save our relationship.
While I was very aware that her health issues made penetrative sex painful I couldn't understand why my sexual needs would never be considered and that we could have intimacy in more ways than full sex.
Anyway the relationship eventually ended largely due to the anger caused by this situation. She was angry that "all she was to me was sex" (not true) and I was angry that my feelings weren't an equal consideration in the relationship.
Tough subject to negotiate, I wish you luck. |
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Current relationship of 4 years very satisfied.
We don't live together so when we see each other we can't keep our hands off each other.
Last relationship of 16 years.
Great until we let life get in the way of proper communication before we painfully realised there was no way of saving our relationship.
Communication is so important op.
Intersting thread and best of luck. |
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Sexually satisfied No
Actually don't think I've ever been.
If I was in a relationship I would want an active sex life for both of us , if there were health reasons I would try and make the time to still enjoy having fun |
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Bring your wife on a trip to Cap d adge, it ll lighten up the whole conversation, open the eyes and offer something new to stimulate you both. It might trigger a more playful and joyful continuous exploration of what could turn either or both of you on. It might break down the societal barriers to body and sexuality acceptance.
To answer your question : my sex life is overall great, still trying new things, still feel like an 18 year old (sometimes). |
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Came back to say, had I stayed married, I think both my ex H and I would be very dissatisfied and be living the dead bed marriage. Even though he is an attractive and nice guy, the trap of the marriage and small kids killed any attraction (for me).
I really think the hot wife relationship is probably one of the best set up. Women like to be on a pedestal and to be no1, and hubby can have some fun too. The couple can go to clubs and join in with group fun, without anyone feeling disrespected.
Relationships become house shares, and hopefully buddies over time. It takes a lot of innovation to keep the sexual spark alive and playful.
We forget to be playful and joyous and adventurous. We sometimes need a kick in the ass to rediscover our curiosity and spirit of adventure. |
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I was very satisfied in that department when my wife and I were still together.
Now that I'm flying solo, no.
Sorry you aren't satisfied OP but just remember some things are more important in life than sex. |
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Wow, this got quite a response - thanks for all of the very considerate replies. Also, congratulations to those who are doing well with this side of life, commiserations to those who are also struggling. Certainly seems to be a mixed bag, which is somewhat reassuring I must confess.
There are too many replies for me to address each one individually, but there are a few points to which I’d like to respond.
"The illness thing for me is a red herring . Very few illnesses make sex impossible. For me it’s a sign that you two prioritise sex very differently"
I mentioned it primarily for completeness since it does have some bearing on my current state of being. It’s actually been a string of things, not all of them physical. You are correct though: we do prioritise sex very differently and this has long been the case. Therein lies the issue.
"We understand that sex is an important part of life and so do our best for each other."
This is exactly what I aspire to in my own relationship. It’s not the most important part, but it is important.
"Were you aware of these sex frequency issues when you decided to marry?"
Yes I was. We’ve been together over 10 years and never had a very active sex life: twice in the week has always been rare, so it’s not exactly a new issue. It has deteriorated from there over time.
You might ask next: if I knew this was an issue, why did I go through with marriage? It’s because in every other way we are a great match. Splitting over this would be throwing the baby out with the bath water. I also viewed the difference in our wants as being a problem with me: that I wanted too much and that was something to be fixed.
While there is some truth in that, over time I’ve come to realise that the problem isn’t simply on my end, and that it’s more correct to think of it as a mismatch between us. It’s a problem with our sexual compatibility.
"Do you guys talk about this? What is her take on it? I feel you need to lay everyone out for her and help her understand that you have unmet needs, and I hope she will understand that and prioritise your needs as well as hers."
For a very long time we didn’t talk about sex at all. However I mentioned in my original post that we had conversations before the current dry spell and a whole lot of stuff was finally aired. The conversations were difficult but productive. While they created grounds to work towards improvements, it seems clear that we’re always going to have a disconnect in the bedroom.
That said, during the conversations the idea of bringing other people into the bedroom did come up (I discussed this in another thread I started last week). That’s what led me to start lurking here.
"In which case you will need to decide if this is something that you can live with, come to an arrangement about, or if this is an "irreconcilable differences" thing and you need to go your own ways."
So I’ve kind of done that: I’ve made my bed and I’m lying in it. There’s no way I’d leave over this, or go meet people behind her back (the irony of me posting on a site where many people are deliberately here to cheat is not lost on me). I’ve chosen to live with it, but the choice is one I have to continually make, and well it’s just difficult and frustrating at times. That’s why I created this thread - just wanted to get it off my chest to anyone who would care to listen. While I do see a therapist and talk about this with him, other outlets are lacking.
"Depends on what factors the couple prioritises as key. Those priorities can also change through out the relationship."
Couldn’t agree more. In my case I feel that the sexual side of my relationship needs to move a bit higher up in the priority list, a need that has become more apparent to me with the passage of time.
"Anyway the relationship eventually ended largely due to the anger caused by this situation"
Sorry to read your story. I hope each of you are doing ok, and that I can avoid the same fate in my own relationship.
"Bring your wife on a trip to Cap d adge, it ll lighten up the whole conversation, open the eyes and offer something new to stimulate you both. It might trigger a more playful and joyful continuous exploration of what could turn either or both of you on. It might break down the societal barriers to body and sexuality acceptance."
Now there’s an idea! Would take some convincing but it would certainly be a way to shake things up. I’ll keep it in mind actually 😊
"Relationships become house shares, and hopefully buddies over time. It takes a lot of innovation to keep the sexual spark alive and playful.
We forget to be playful and joyous and adventurous. We sometimes need a kick in the ass to rediscover our curiosity and spirit of adventure"
Sounds very accurate to me. |
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"So I’ve kind of done that: I’ve made my bed and I’m lying in it. There’s no way I’d leave over this, or go meet people behind her back (the irony of me posting on a site where many people are deliberately here to cheat is not lost on me). I’ve chosen to live with it, but the choice is one I have to continually make, and well it’s just difficult and frustrating at times. That’s why I created this thread - just wanted to get it off my chest to anyone who would care to listen. While I do see a therapist and talk about this with him, other outlets are lacking.
"
I'm sorry I think I misunderstood your post. 99% of these posts are about cheating justification and men looking to be told it's ok. Your post isn't about that at all. I feel for you (and them) on one hand because you made compromises to be with your chosen partner, like everyone does (nobody is perfect for anybody really)... and on the other hand you have decided that she is worth it despite being mismatched in that one area. You knew and you made your choice and are living with the great bits and the not so great bits in order to be with the person you love. The assholes are the ones who know that there is a sexual mismatch before partnering up and then afterwards use that as a reason to be disloyal. |
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"So I’ve kind of done that: I’ve made my bed and I’m lying in it. There’s no way I’d leave over this, or go meet people behind her back (the irony of me posting on a site where many people are deliberately here to cheat is not lost on me). I’ve chosen to live with it, but the choice is one I have to continually make, and well it’s just difficult and frustrating at times. That’s why I created this thread - just wanted to get it off my chest to anyone who would care to listen. While I do see a therapist and talk about this with him, other outlets are lacking.
I'm sorry I think I misunderstood your post. 99% of these posts are about cheating justification and men looking to be told it's ok. Your post isn't about that at all. I feel for you (and them) on one hand because you made compromises to be with your chosen partner, like everyone does (nobody is perfect for anybody really)... and on the other hand you have decided that she is worth it despite being mismatched in that one area. You knew and you made your choice and are living with the great bits and the not so great bits in order to be with the person you love. The assholes are the ones who know that there is a sexual mismatch before partnering up and then afterwards use that as a reason to be disloyal. "
Sexual mismatch???
It's a bit like when a young guy has his first pint of Guinness.
He mightn't like it, but then when he's older, he try's again, and for some reason he's taste buds likes it.
Maybe sexual matching is like a drink, tastes change??
Please drink alcohol sensibly!!  |
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This is highly refreshing and against the curve. I hope you both continue to be able to communicate about this and achieve a level of _atisfactory you are both happy with in the near future. The more people that acknowledge that swinging isn't cheating but can facilitate sexual desires providing intertwining versions mono/poly enm relationships. Remove cheating you remove the hurt.
The holiday is a great idea.
Regarding my own situation-
Sexually satisfied? With my toys? Yes ha ha
How often? Currently it's averaging to once a month which is not enough for me. Ideally I would be 2/3 times a week but lately everyone is busy. Meets get arranged and life gets in the way - there's no point in getting annoyed and disappointed because for the most part people are respectful and do give what they perceive as adequate time to reorganise. However I am neurodiverse and what a lot of people may not consider or realise is that I have put in considerably more energy than most getting myself to a place to want to meet someone new and that that doesn't happen at the flick of a switch so if the chain is broken it can't be replaced. It takes time to make a new connection. (This isn't every neurodivergent persons experience but it is mine).
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"Posting this mainly to vent a little, but also because I seem to enjoy tormenting myself with envy.
[I’m going to preface what I write below by saying that I am ok, even if I may come across otherwise. Thanks in advance for your concern. It’s just frustrating]
My sex life has never been truly fulfilling. It has never reached the heights that I desire for it to take me to. It bothers me.
Right now I’m in the middle of a long dry spell within my marriage - it’s been 6 months without sex and will likely be several more months at least before that changes. Surprising as it may be given what I’ve said above, this dry spell isn’t what bothers me. There are important reasons for it (health issues) and it’s ok with me that sex is off the cards for a while.
What bothers me, what keeps me awake at night is the knowledge that even when it resumes, it will still be inadequate for me. Sex that takes place once a week at best (less often when life gets in the way which happens a lot) and is completely vanilla. It’s lovely when it does happen, but lovely isn’t exactly stoking the flames of desire, is it?
There’s a long and complex history behind the current state of matters, way too much for me to get into here. However what it boils down to is this: my wife and I have very different wants, needs and priorities when it comes to sex. The gaps between us are quite large.
Not long before the current dry spell visited upon us we had some frank and honest conversations about the disconnect and started trying to work together on it. We didn’t get very far though before circumstances changed and put everything on pause. However the break has given me a lot of time to reflect on our sexual dynamic and I can’t say it’s a happy picture.
So that’s my spiel: I ain’t gettin’ any and even if I was it would leave plenty to be desired.
I’d love to hear from others, both similar to me and the polar opposite. How much sex are you having? How much do you want to be having? What’s working well and what’s not?
Hopefully there’ll be some interesting discussion at least."
I commented on your other thread there. Mrs  |
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