FabSwingers.com > Forums > Ireland > Let's talk about... Effort!
Let's talk about... Effort!
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Look, we all want things made easier, right?
Poring over long profiles with lists of requirements and conditions can suck the fun and horniness out of immediate, casual sex.
Long stretches of texting.. losing touch.. regaining touch.. scheduling.. rescheduling... It can get tedious and cumbersome and..
Not exactly fun.
But, for many of us, the logistical effort is necessary to make our sexual desires come true.
Many of us have busy personal lives, families and accommodation constraints to work around...
And we may have specific kinks and desires and not a whole lot of time and patience and energy so we want to try and make Every. Meet. Count.
It doesn't always work out that way but we sure as hell can try.
We can try by the effort we put into our profiles. The effort we put into our pictures. Our messages.. our respect and kindness toward one another..
---------
Effort should be reciprocated. If you see someone making a lot of effort, perhaps try and make more than the bare minimum yourself.
Both on Fab and in life, you might get lucky but most of the time, you most definitely get out what you put in.
* And don't we all just want to put it in? *   |
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Posting this early on a Sunday morning shows quite a lot of dedication and willingness to put some effort into engaging with others on here.
Well done and I hope you are well rewarded for the effort you have made.
Keep up the good work....and everything else besides. |
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"Posting this early on a Sunday morning shows quite a lot of dedication and willingness to put some effort into engaging with others on here.
Well done and I hope you are well rewarded for the effort you have made.
Keep up the good work....and everything else besides. "
Thanks Badger.. didn't even realize it was Sunday til you mentioned it lol
Trying to be the change we want to see in the world   |
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This might be easier for me because fab is very low on my list of priorities. And my vanilla needs can be achieved on almost any app/pub...
But surely of someone isn't matching your effort and expectations you just walk away.
There can't be that much of a shortage of people that match your preferences and give the required effort.
Expecting people to change in my experience is a futile waste if time. On fab and in general life |
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By *ustBoWoman 13 weeks ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
"This might be easier for me because fab is very low on my list of priorities. And my vanilla needs can be achieved on almost any app/pub...
But surely of someone isn't matching your effort and expectations you just walk away.
There can't be that much of a shortage of people that match your preferences and give the required effort.
Expecting people to change in my experience is a futile waste if time. On fab and in general life"
Yep pretty much this. |
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"Posting this early on a Sunday morning shows quite a lot of dedication and willingness to put some effort into engaging with others on here.
Well done and I hope you are well rewarded for the effort you have made.
Keep up the good work....and everything else besides.
Thanks Badger.. didn't even realize it was Sunday til you mentioned it lol
Trying to be the change we want to see in the world "
In the words of The Liverpool Lads....
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all wanna change the world.
 |
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By *aseylee324Couple 13 weeks ago
Valley of Squinting Windows |
"This might be easier for me because fab is very low on my list of priorities. And my vanilla needs can be achieved on almost any app/pub...
But surely of someone isn't matching your effort and expectations you just walk away.
There can't be that much of a shortage of people that match your preferences and give the required effort.
Expecting people to change in my experience is a futile waste if time. On fab and in general life
Yep pretty much this. "
Yup |
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The effort required depends on your approach to Fab really. For us 99% of our time is taken up with life outside of here.
We don't really engage with people most of the time with messages etc. and I don't think we've made first contact in ages!
Have given up on meeting people privately as we would only do so after a social meet first, and all that just got way too time consuming for us. So we try and plan anything around group meetings/socials etc.
Our levels of effort are directly related to our amount of free time...not much! And we wouldn't waste other people's time!
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By *itlbeeCouple 13 weeks ago
Ireland |
I think the fantasy of fun, immediate casual sex with no effort is just that ... A fantasy.
One thing I learned from swinging is that porn makes all the debauchery look effortless, but it's not.
It's real lives people have lives to schedule around, they have specific needs and boundaries that are essential for them to enjoy sex.
For most people I've met, their list of rules emerges over time as they have bad experiences and need to out incompatible people so as not to waste their time.
With casual sex. Everyone is here for their own enjoyment, that's going to be on their terms. I don't think people need to compromise to make things quicker or easier for strangers.
I'm into communication and clarity, and if that means a long bio - I welcome that! More information makes it easier for us to find the people we're compatible with.
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By (user no longer on site) 13 weeks ago
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If no effort is exhibited in the preamble to meeting either for coffee or more then it’s not unreasonable to assume the effort might be sadly lacking should you get to play. No one is here for bad sex and I use the effort gauge as an indicator of actual desire.
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"This might be easier for me because fab is very low on my list of priorities. And my vanilla needs can be achieved on almost any app/pub...
But surely of someone isn't matching your effort and expectations you just walk away.
There can't be that much of a shortage of people that match your preferences and give the required effort.
Expecting people to change in my experience is a futile waste if time. On fab and in general life"
You might be surprised to find a shortage, at least in our case.
Of course you walk away if someone isn't fitting the bill but we disagree with your take on expecting people to change.. that's a rather nihilistic view that assumes people are static and unable to communicate.
People learn and change all the time |
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"I think the fantasy of fun, immediate casual sex with no effort is just that ... A fantasy.
One thing I learned from swinging is that porn makes all the debauchery look effortless, but it's not.
It's real lives people have lives to schedule around, they have specific needs and boundaries that are essential for them to enjoy sex.
For most people I've met, their list of rules emerges over time as they have bad experiences and need to out incompatible people so as not to waste their time.
With casual sex. Everyone is here for their own enjoyment, that's going to be on their terms. I don't think people need to compromise to make things quicker or easier for strangers.
I'm into communication and clarity, and if that means a long bio - I welcome that! More information makes it easier for us to find the people we're compatible with.
"
Very well said |
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"This might be easier for me because fab is very low on my list of priorities. And my vanilla needs can be achieved on almost any app/pub...
But surely of someone isn't matching your effort and expectations you just walk away.
There can't be that much of a shortage of people that match your preferences and give the required effort.
Expecting people to change in my experience is a futile waste if time. On fab and in general life
You might be surprised to find a shortage, at least in our case.
Of course you walk away if someone isn't fitting the bill but we disagree with your take on expecting people to change.. that's a rather nihilistic view that assumes people are static and unable to communicate.
People learn and change all the time "
I think I'm more cynical than nihilistic.
It's not so much that I don't think people can or do change, more just I don't invest my time in them waiting for it to happen. |
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By (user no longer on site) 13 weeks ago
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"Look, we all want things made easier, right?
Poring over long profiles with lists of requirements and conditions can suck the fun and horniness out of immediate, casual sex.
Long stretches of texting.. losing touch.. regaining touch.. scheduling.. rescheduling... It can get tedious and cumbersome and..
Not exactly fun.
But, for many of us, the logistical effort is necessary to make our sexual desires come true.
Many of us have busy personal lives, families and accommodation constraints to work around...
And we may have specific kinks and desires and not a whole lot of time and patience and energy so we want to try and make Every. Meet. Count.
It doesn't always work out that way but we sure as hell can try.
We can try by the effort we put into our profiles. The effort we put into our pictures. Our messages.. our respect and kindness toward one another..
---------
Effort should be reciprocated. If you see someone making a lot of effort, perhaps try and make more than the bare minimum yourself.
Both on Fab and in life, you might get lucky but most of the time, you most definitely get out what you put in.
* And don't we all just want to put it in? * "
Agree with all of the above as it is frustrating when you do try and reach out to people and try to get to know them and get now response. But I'm guessing the ladies on here get swamped with messages and some not the most appropriate (read one forum where the lady was offered money, definitely wrong site) so that puts the genuine guys at a disadvantage straight off. Difficult to get the balance right I guess for the ladies here, (maybe for some men also) I'm new to this but that's just my feeling from what I've seen/read so far |
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"Look, we all want things made easier, right?
Poring over long profiles with lists of requirements and conditions can suck the fun and horniness out of immediate, casual sex.
Long stretches of texting.. losing touch.. regaining touch.. scheduling.. rescheduling... It can get tedious and cumbersome and..
Not exactly fun.
But, for many of us, the logistical effort is necessary to make our sexual desires come true.
Many of us have busy personal lives, families and accommodation constraints to work around...
And we may have specific kinks and desires and not a whole lot of time and patience and energy so we want to try and make Every. Meet. Count.
It doesn't always work out that way but we sure as hell can try.
We can try by the effort we put into our profiles. The effort we put into our pictures. Our messages.. our respect and kindness toward one another..
---------
Effort should be reciprocated. If you see someone making a lot of effort, perhaps try and make more than the bare minimum yourself.
Both on Fab and in life, you might get lucky but most of the time, you most definitely get out what you put in.
* And don't we all just want to put it in? *
Agree with all of the above as it is frustrating when you do try and reach out to people and try to get to know them and get now response. But I'm guessing the ladies on here get swamped with messages and some not the most appropriate (read one forum where the lady was offered money, definitely wrong site) so that puts the genuine guys at a disadvantage straight off. Difficult to get the balance right I guess for the ladies here, (maybe for some men also) I'm new to this but that's just my feeling from what I've seen/read so far"
Lots of people here have no interest at all in messages, winks etc.
They're here to keep in touch with people they know and to attend various socials, parties and events.
The strategy of just messaging people is targeting a much smaller pool than many realise.
It's not that they're not putting in any effort. It's just not their preference |
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By (user no longer on site) 13 weeks ago
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"Look, we all want things made easier, right?
Poring over long profiles with lists of requirements and conditions can suck the fun and horniness out of immediate, casual sex.
Long stretches of texting.. losing touch.. regaining touch.. scheduling.. rescheduling... It can get tedious and cumbersome and..
Not exactly fun.
But, for many of us, the logistical effort is necessary to make our sexual desires come true.
Many of us have busy personal lives, families and accommodation constraints to work around...
And we may have specific kinks and desires and not a whole lot of time and patience and energy so we want to try and make Every. Meet. Count.
It doesn't always work out that way but we sure as hell can try.
We can try by the effort we put into our profiles. The effort we put into our pictures. Our messages.. our respect and kindness toward one another..
---------
Effort should be reciprocated. If you see someone making a lot of effort, perhaps try and make more than the bare minimum yourself.
Both on Fab and in life, you might get lucky but most of the time, you most definitely get out what you put in.
* And don't we all just want to put it in? *
Agree with all of the above as it is frustrating when you do try and reach out to people and try to get to know them and get now response. But I'm guessing the ladies on here get swamped with messages and some not the most appropriate (read one forum where the lady was offered money, definitely wrong site) so that puts the genuine guys at a disadvantage straight off. Difficult to get the balance right I guess for the ladies here, (maybe for some men also) I'm new to this but that's just my feeling from what I've seen/read so far
Lots of people here have no interest at all in messages, winks etc.
They're here to keep in touch with people they know and to attend various socials, parties and events.
The strategy of just messaging people is targeting a much smaller pool than many realise.
It's not that they're not putting in any effort. It's just not their preference "
Ok I get your point and don't disagree at all but for new people coming on here it's difficult (well for me anyways) to know what to do.Im attending a social/night out soon so hopefully all that will change and I'll get to know/meet others from here. |
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I always, always make and effort by writing good messages with no dick pics attached whatsoever but still have trouble getting replies.
Only at this stage when I know so many people that I get replies often.
However, single men do need to make an effort. Lads those dick pics are not getting any attention whatsoever  |
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"Give over OP. You're a couple who probably get 100s messages every day.
For us solos we can't make any effort because our messages don't get read.
"
Mine get read. I know that's not true for everyone but nearly all of the messages I send get a reply
It's different for everyone.
There's no secret to it either. My best friend is on here and nearly all of the guys she meets have next to blank profiles. They write good messages though.
The guys who make it work make it work. There's just no way around that.
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By (user no longer on site) 13 weeks ago
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"Give over OP. You're a couple who probably get 100s messages every day.
For us solos we can't make any effort because our messages don't get read.
Mine get read. I know that's not true for everyone but nearly all of the messages I send get a reply
It's different for everyone.
There's no secret to it either. My best friend is on here and nearly all of the guys she meets have next to blank profiles. They write good messages though.
The guys who make it work make it work. There's just no way around that.
"
I guess the amount of responses I get is a reflection of my English leaving cert results lol |
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"Give over OP. You're a couple who probably get 100s messages every day.
For us solos we can't make any effort because our messages don't get read.
Mine get read. I know that's not true for everyone but nearly all of the messages I send get a reply
It's different for everyone.
There's no secret to it either. My best friend is on here and nearly all of the guys she meets have next to blank profiles. They write good messages though.
The guys who make it work make it work. There's just no way around that.
I guess the amount of responses I get is a reflection of my English leaving cert results lol"
I feel this |
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I think the male frustration here comes from sending loads of messages and getting no reply. The number of messages mean that it's tricky to make effort with anyone in particular. The mistake being made here is the scattergun messaging and hoping that there is a hit in there somewhere. A FAR better approach is finding someone who you think you can have a genuine connection with, and who describes on their profile that they are looking for someone like you, and then focussing on them. At that stage the effort is 1 on 1 and the whole thing turns into proper flirty fun rather than just throwing shite at a wall and hoping some sticks. |
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"I think the male frustration here comes from sending loads of messages and getting no reply. The number of messages mean that it's tricky to make effort with anyone in particular. The mistake being made here is the scattergun messaging and hoping that there is a hit in there somewhere. A FAR better approach is finding someone who you think you can have a genuine connection with, and who describes on their profile that they are looking for someone like you, and then focussing on them. At that stage the effort is 1 on 1 and the whole thing turns into proper flirty fun rather than just throwing shite at a wall and hoping some sticks."
As often, you say echo what I'm feeling. That's exactly it FN
-Mr |
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"I think the male frustration here comes from sending loads of messages and getting no reply. The number of messages mean that it's tricky to make effort with anyone in particular. The mistake being made here is the scattergun messaging and hoping that there is a hit in there somewhere. A FAR better approach is finding someone who you think you can have a genuine connection with, and who describes on their profile that they are looking for someone like you, and then focussing on them. At that stage the effort is 1 on 1 and the whole thing turns into proper flirty fun rather than just throwing shite at a wall and hoping some sticks."
This. |
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"Give over OP. You're a couple who probably get 100s messages every day.
For us solos we can't make any effort because our messages don't get read.
"
Lolllll sorry buddy but nope. I wish. Happens from time to time but most of the time, we get a handful a week at most, especially if we're not particularly active.. and 9/10 are one sentence, low effort posts.
That was the impetus for this post. We clearly put a lot of effort in. A lot of people just don't think we deserve the same in return I guess. |
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Ever since I started using the forums there have been hundreds of threads about lack of effort in messages, pics and bios.
The vast majority of those threads are aimed at men.
I have read numerous replies from other men and made a few comments myself about the often low level of effort made by women and couples when they get in touch and how they are guilty of one word messages, poorly taken pics and a one line bio.
We all know most women and couples aren't going thirsty for lack of messages regardless of how little effort they have made but it's a little ironic complaining about the quality of many of those messages or the standard of guys getting in touch when they themselves can't be arsed. |
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"Ever since I started using the forums there have been hundreds of threads about lack of effort in messages, pics and bios.
The vast majority of those threads are aimed at men.
I have read numerous replies from other men and made a few comments myself about the often low level of effort made by women and couples when they get in touch and how they are guilty of one word messages, poorly taken pics and a one line bio.
We all know most women and couples aren't going thirsty for lack of messages regardless of how little effort they have made but it's a little ironic complaining about the quality of many of those messages or the standard of guys getting in touch when they themselves can't be arsed."
I wouldn't spend hours on my cv if everyone was offering me a job |
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"Ever since I started using the forums there have been hundreds of threads about lack of effort in messages, pics and bios.
The vast majority of those threads are aimed at men.
I have read numerous replies from other men and made a few comments myself about the often low level of effort made by women and couples when they get in touch and how they are guilty of one word messages, poorly taken pics and a one line bio.
We all know most women and couples aren't going thirsty for lack of messages regardless of how little effort they have made but it's a little ironic complaining about the quality of many of those messages or the standard of guys getting in touch when they themselves can't be arsed.
I wouldn't spend hours on my cv if everyone was offering me a job "
Do you take every shitty job you're offered or do you prefer to whinge about not getting better job offers when 5 minutes on your CV would take less effort than starting a thread about your negative experiences? |
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Do you take every shitty job you're offered or do you prefer to whinge about not getting better job offers when 5 minutes on your CV would take less effort than starting a thread about your negative experiences? "
When getting offered that many jobs I can pick and choose and still moan about the shitty offers, it's the joy of being in demand.
Saying that I never recall that many threads from women or couples about effort who's profiles had none put into them. Certainly not the OPs here |
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"
Do you take every shitty job you're offered or do you prefer to whinge about not getting better job offers when 5 minutes on your CV would take less effort than starting a thread about your negative experiences?
When getting offered that many jobs I can pick and choose and still moan about the shitty offers, it's the joy of being in demand.
Saying that I never recall that many threads from women or couples about effort who's profiles had none put into them. Certainly not the OPs here"
No I agree and this certainly wasn't a dig at the op but there have been multiple comments on threads from people who haven't made any effort but expect it from others. Just as local updates are filled with statuses doing likewise. |
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"
Do you take every shitty job you're offered or do you prefer to whinge about not getting better job offers when 5 minutes on your CV would take less effort than starting a thread about your negative experiences?
When getting offered that many jobs I can pick and choose and still moan about the shitty offers, it's the joy of being in demand.
Saying that I never recall that many threads from women or couples about effort who's profiles had none put into them. Certainly not the OPs here
No I agree and this certainly wasn't a dig at the op but there have been multiple comments on threads from people who haven't made any effort but expect it from others. Just as local updates are filled with statuses doing likewise. "
That's actually a pet peeve of mine.. it's a wonder how many people lack a bit of introspection |
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We've seen that lack of effort just sinks any good naughty feelings and if someone can't be bothered then why would we invite them to join us. Any play should be for the benefit of everyone involved and when it's right it's magic |
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"I find this a little contradictory… on the one hand you say, “Poring over long profiles with lists of requirements and conditions can suck the fun and horniness out of immediate, casual sex” but then you have a very long, detailed and specific bio.
You have put a lot of effort into your profile but I’m not sure what your ask is, that everyone have long profiles or do you mean if people put an effort into messaging it should be reciprocated? Either way I disagree. Profile is choice and indeed why waste effort engaging with someone you’re not interested in even if they have written a tome? All that said nobody should be cruel or nasty x"
I suppose that wasn't too clear and thanks for asking
The impetus for this thread was a bit of frustration that the majority of messages we receive are exceptionally low effort, despite the obvious amount of care and openness weve out into our presence on Fab.
We've been here for years so know this is par for the course. Sometimes it just gets me riled enough I feel like saying something, if for any other reason simply to hope that my words might affect someone out there positively.
I typically don't publicly complain and I don't think anyone is being cruel or nasty. I'm sorry if I came off that way. I appreciate your honesty x
My thought process was something like this (with regards to men who message us):
"You know a lot about us, what we want, what we look like.. we are fucking *out there*.. ot should be no wonder that a blank profile and a, 'wanna fuk' isn't exactly going to catch our eye".
I fear this is all sounding a bit arrogant and entitled. Really this was just a little vent and a roundabout way of saying, "treat others as you would like to be treated" |
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By *dfabMan 13 weeks ago
Dunboyne |
Very detailed profile alright, so I can understand your frustrations.
It's a model for others to use, if they want to limit the amount of faff they get.
Well, from those of us who actually read the profiles at least |
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"Look, we all want things made easier, right?
Poring over long profiles with lists of requirements and conditions can suck the fun and horniness out of immediate, casual sex.
Long stretches of texting.. losing touch.. regaining touch.. scheduling.. rescheduling... It can get tedious and cumbersome and..
Not exactly fun.
But, for many of us, the logistical effort is necessary to make our sexual desires come true.
Many of us have busy personal lives, families and accommodation constraints to work around...
And we may have specific kinks and desires and not a whole lot of time and patience and energy so we want to try and make Every. Meet. Count.
It doesn't always work out that way but we sure as hell can try.
We can try by the effort we put into our profiles. The effort we put into our pictures. Our messages.. our respect and kindness toward one another..
---------
Effort should be reciprocated. If you see someone making a lot of effort, perhaps try and make more than the bare minimum yourself.
Both on Fab and in life, you might get lucky but most of the time, you most definitely get out what you put in.
* And don't we all just want to put it in? *
Agree with all of the above as it is frustrating when you do try and reach out to people and try to get to know them and get now response. But I'm guessing the ladies on here get swamped with messages and some not the most appropriate (read one forum where the lady was offered money, definitely wrong site) so that puts the genuine guys at a disadvantage straight off. Difficult to get the balance right I guess for the ladies here, (maybe for some men also) I'm new to this but that's just my feeling from what I've seen/read so far
Lots of people here have no interest at all in messages, winks etc.
They're here to keep in touch with people they know and to attend various socials, parties and events.
The strategy of just messaging people is targeting a much smaller pool than many realise.
It's not that they're not putting in any effort. It's just not their preference
Ok I get your point and don't disagree at all but for new people coming on here it's difficult (well for me anyways) to know what to do.Im attending a social/night out soon so hopefully all that will change and I'll get to know/meet others from here."
Totally understand how difficult and confusing things can be for some people- that's largely influenced how we've come to operate here, myself (Mr) especially.
I'm very accommodating and sex positive and feel a natural inclination to be open and welcoming, especially in our Fab life as our sexual identity is a big part of who we are and it helps us grow and flourish as a couple.
Kudos to you for getting yourself into the social scene- that's a big thing for a lot of people. It's also not for a lot of other people. There are many people who use Fab simply as a hookup site and/or have no interest in living a more typical swinger lifestyle.
Everyone has their own needs- which is why open and honest communication is so important |
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