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April Jokes-------Join in
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story is:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story is:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks."
Haha class lol |
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You know the way sometimes you have to eat something just 'cos it's there in front of you?
Well that's why I'm no longer a gynaecologist  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir. The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleeding penis. The doctor said, damn how did you do that? The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it. So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole. So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!! |
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I was at the vet's today and he had a two for one offer on. I wouldn't mind, but the other dog didn't even need to be put down
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Man goes to the doctors.
Doctor says "You have to stop masturbating."
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to examine you!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My mate arranged a blind date for me. I met the girl outside a restaurant, holding a bib.
"What's that for?" she asked.
"I always wear this when I eat out," I replied.
"Dave did tell me you're a bit eccentric," she smiled.
"Yeah, and he told me that you're a gusher." |
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Two cows in a field. One says moo. The other says "ah feck, I was just about to say that! " |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think dogging's anything to be ashamed of," said the anonymous man in a mask hiding his features on Channel 4's Dogging Tales. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hair dryer through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest Beside her: 'Father, may I ask a favour?
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The Customs officer asked: 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The officer thought this answer strange, so asked: 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the officer said: 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!' |
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Felt my wallet go from my back pocket, I spun around and stared at the black bloke behind me and said "Where's my wallet?".... He replied "Oh yeh! I'm the only black bloke here so it's has to be me... i'm really insulted" I said "No offence Winston but we're on a fucking tandem" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went for an interview at a swim school this afternoon. They asked me what my favourite stroke was. Apparently "The one that killed Maggie Thatcher" wasn't what they were after  |
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"I went for an interview at a swim school this afternoon. They asked me what my favourite stroke was. Apparently "The one that killed Maggie Thatcher" wasn't what they were after "
I would like to say that joke is in bad taste , ahhh well i didn't 
But i'm still breaking my ass laughing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's yellow n lives off dead beetles ?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's yellow n lives off dead beetles ??"
go on then tell us |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yoko Ono |
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"What's yellow n lives off dead beetles ??
go on then tell us "
Yoko Ono , maybe??? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Guy gets sacked at work for being a perv he was always hard at it  |
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Just like Margaret Thatcher, I refer to my wife as "The Iron Lady"
She is also known as "The Cook Lady", "The Cleaning Lady", "The Wash Lady"... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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David Cameron has just sent his offical letter to the Thatcher residence.
It starts "I regret to inform you that due to recent events you now have too many bedrooms..." |
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Plans have begun for Margaret Thatcher's state funeral.
It'll be the first time ever the 21 gun salute is fired into the coffin.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Plans have begun for Margaret Thatcher's state funeral.
It'll be the first time ever the 21 gun salute is fired into the coffin. "
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I was reading the other day that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy. |
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think the margaret thatcher jokes need to be knocked on the head unless people want to have a laugh at mr sands and co |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i think Mr Sands and co showed her up for the heartless fascist hypocritical murderer that she was |
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im not getting into a debabe on this site as its not the time or place, but it was still someones mother, daughter etc and having a good old laugh of anyones death is just vile no matter what people think of a person |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i foot think she should be given anymore airtime, sick of it now |
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"im not getting into a debabe on this site as its not the time or place, but it was still someones mother, daughter etc and having a good old laugh of anyones death is just vile no matter what people think of a person"
Ryan there is some difference between Bobby Sands and that feckin bitch, and she screwed more british ppl over than the irish, the miners,the milk saga need i go on.
Again its not really a welcome sight to see you bring up such history again, but must say i can always rely on you to bring up the whole british/irish thing.
Tut,Tut! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"im not getting into a debabe on this site as its not the time or place, but it was still someones mother, daughter etc and having a good old laugh of anyones death is just vile no matter what people think of a person
Ryan there is some difference between Bobby Sands and that feckin bitch, and she screwed more british ppl over than the irish, the miners,the milk saga need i go on.
Again its not really a welcome sight to see you bring up such history again, but must say i can always rely on you to bring up the whole british/irish thing.
Tut,Tut! "
well said there hardy impressed she brought nothing but misery.
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"im not getting into a debabe on this site as its not the time or place, but it was still someones mother, daughter etc and having a good old laugh of anyones death is just vile no matter what people think of a person
Ryan there is some difference between Bobby Sands and that feckin bitch, and she screwed more british ppl over than the irish, the miners,the milk saga need i go on.
Again its not really a welcome sight to see you bring up such history again, but must say i can always rely on you to bring up the whole british/irish thing.
Tut,Tut! well said there hardy impressed she brought nothing but misery.
"
Listen if it was Enda Kenny in the morning, people would do the same, nothing to do with being irish and taken the piss out of a british person.
See the amount of british people putting up posts that in my opinion worse that any of the above comments.
Now where the hell are the jokes ??? |
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, and not roaring and screaming like his passengers. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"im not getting into a debabe on this site as its not the time or place, but it was still someones mother, daughter etc and having a good old laugh of anyones death is just vile no matter what people think of a person"
I think you are wayyyyy out of order here
The sick jokes come out within minutes of anything happening There were jokes about the space shuttle explosion minutes after it happened, there were jokes about twin towers within days. It what happens.
Now you may find them tasteless, others find them funny. Only you as usual go out of your way to be offended
Oh and yes I seen a lot of jokes about sands and I laughed my head off at them |
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"im not getting into a debabe on this site as its not the time or place, but it was still someones mother, daughter etc and having a good old laugh of anyones death is just vile no matter what people think of a person
I think you are wayyyyy out of order here
The sick jokes come out within minutes of anything happening There were jokes about the space shuttle explosion minutes after it happened, there were jokes about twin towers within days. It what happens.
Now you may find them tasteless, others find them funny. Only you as usual go out of your way to be offended
Oh and yes I seen a lot of jokes about sands and I laughed my head off at them"
Well Said, Nippy! |
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When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, "Fucking brilliant!"
Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order.
Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene. |
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