FabSwingers.com > Forums > Ireland > Let's talk about... Consent!
Let's talk about... Consent!
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"I'm not sure that's the best analogy for the Irish. Have you not seen Father Ted? "Ohh noo! Only seen bits and pieces but I do know a thing or two about how dated Graham Linehan is 
Maybe not the best analogy but the point is valid: No means no.
Our children understand this, it's mind boggling how many adults don't. | |||
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"Is like to think our children's generation will grow up with a lot better languages / tools / understanding in this area... and far fewer excuses." Lordy I hope so! | |||
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"I've seen the video. It's excellent. A great way of getting the message across, especially in schools. I press your post is in connection with consent to intimacy, touch, sexual behaviour. I have this conversation with any fabber's I meet. Some appreciate it, with others it's a new concept. " Bingo my man- you get it   | |||
"To be fair, if no meant no in Ireland in relation to everything, nobody would ever eat or drink anything in anyone else's house. It's all about the "ah no, I'm grand... No, thanks, not at all.. Well sure, I suppose a drop wouldn't be any harm. Sure go on so, if you're making one anyway.." proceeds to sit drinking tea for four hours. " Think about it in terms of sexual intent | |||
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"To be fair, if no meant no in Ireland in relation to everything, nobody would ever eat or drink anything in anyone else's house. It's all about the "ah no, I'm grand... No, thanks, not at all.. Well sure, I suppose a drop wouldn't be any harm. Sure go on so, if you're making one anyway.." proceeds to sit drinking tea for four hours. Think about it in terms of sexual intent" We should all know about consent but as someone else already said, I don't believe the analogy works at all. | |||
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"I had a mate who would make the most horrible weak ass milky tea. I would always say "Yes" when he was making the tea, even though internally I would be in a rage sipping sipping that piss out of politeness. Sometimes yes doesn't mean yes." #blackteamatters | |||
"To be fair, if no meant no in Ireland in relation to everything, nobody would ever eat or drink anything in anyone else's house. It's all about the "ah no, I'm grand... No, thanks, not at all.. Well sure, I suppose a drop wouldn't be any harm. Sure go on so, if you're making one anyway.." proceeds to sit drinking tea for four hours. Think about it in terms of sexual intent We should all know about consent but as someone else already said, I don't believe the analogy works at all. " Fair enough.. we're not Irish so I guess it means nothing to us to actually decline tea offered to us. But focusing on the analogy itself is really not the point at all. It's only to show how simple and easy a denial (that actually matters) should be accepted. Happy to hear if there are better analogies or simply a better way of communicating the importance of consent
It's often disheartening how many people seem to think that simply being active on Fab equals consent | |||
"To be fair, if no meant no in Ireland in relation to everything, nobody would ever eat or drink anything in anyone else's house. It's all about the "ah no, I'm grand... No, thanks, not at all.. Well sure, I suppose a drop wouldn't be any harm. Sure go on so, if you're making one anyway.." proceeds to sit drinking tea for four hours. Think about it in terms of sexual intent We should all know about consent but as someone else already said, I don't believe the analogy works at all. Fair enough.. we're not Irish so I guess it means nothing to us to actually decline tea offered to us. But focusing on the analogy itself is really not the point at all. It's only to show how simple and easy a denial (that actually matters) should be accepted. Happy to hear if there are better analogies or simply a better way of communicating the importance of consent
It's often disheartening how many people seem to think that simply being active on Fab equals consent "Tbh, personally I don't believe any analogy is necessary at all. No means no, end of story. | |||
"To be fair, if no meant no in Ireland in relation to everything, nobody would ever eat or drink anything in anyone else's house. It's all about the "ah no, I'm grand... No, thanks, not at all.. Well sure, I suppose a drop wouldn't be any harm. Sure go on so, if you're making one anyway.." proceeds to sit drinking tea for four hours. Think about it in terms of sexual intent We should all know about consent but as someone else already said, I don't believe the analogy works at all. Fair enough.. we're not Irish so I guess it means nothing to us to actually decline tea offered to us. But focusing on the analogy itself is really not the point at all. It's only to show how simple and easy a denial (that actually matters) should be accepted. Happy to hear if there are better analogies or simply a better way of communicating the importance of consent
It's often disheartening how many people seem to think that simply being active on Fab equals consent
Tbh, personally I don't believe any analogy is necessary at all. No means no, end of story. "As it should be- but in reality that's not the case at all 
All you need to look at is how many people persistently and incessantly message on Fab to know that no most definitely does not mean no to many folks | |||
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"To be fair, if no meant no in Ireland in relation to everything, nobody would ever eat or drink anything in anyone else's house. It's all about the "ah no, I'm grand... No, thanks, not at all.. Well sure, I suppose a drop wouldn't be any harm. Sure go on so, if you're making one anyway.." proceeds to sit drinking tea for four hours. Think about it in terms of sexual intent We should all know about consent but as someone else already said, I don't believe the analogy works at all. Fair enough.. we're not Irish so I guess it means nothing to us to actually decline tea offered to us. But focusing on the analogy itself is really not the point at all. It's only to show how simple and easy a denial (that actually matters) should be accepted. Happy to hear if there are better analogies or simply a better way of communicating the importance of consent
It's often disheartening how many people seem to think that simply being active on Fab equals consent
Tbh, personally I don't believe any analogy is necessary at all. No means no, end of story.
As it should be- but in reality that's not the case at all
All you need to look at is how many people persistently and incessantly message on Fab to know that no most definitely does not mean no to many folks "I'm not disagreeing with you in any way about the issue, just the analogy. I don't believe that people failing to accept no in messaging here is an indication of their propensity for r@pe all the same. While repeatedly refusing to accept no here is really really annoying, it's very easy to stop by simply blocking someone, or short of that, just don't read any of their messages after you've said no. | |||
"To be fair, if no meant no in Ireland in relation to everything, nobody would ever eat or drink anything in anyone else's house. It's all about the "ah no, I'm grand... No, thanks, not at all.. Well sure, I suppose a drop wouldn't be any harm. Sure go on so, if you're making one anyway.." proceeds to sit drinking tea for four hours. Think about it in terms of sexual intent We should all know about consent but as someone else already said, I don't believe the analogy works at all. Fair enough.. we're not Irish so I guess it means nothing to us to actually decline tea offered to us. But focusing on the analogy itself is really not the point at all. It's only to show how simple and easy a denial (that actually matters) should be accepted. Happy to hear if there are better analogies or simply a better way of communicating the importance of consent
It's often disheartening how many people seem to think that simply being active on Fab equals consent
Tbh, personally I don't believe any analogy is necessary at all. No means no, end of story.
As it should be- but in reality that's not the case at all
All you need to look at is how many people persistently and incessantly message on Fab to know that no most definitely does not mean no to many folks
I'm not disagreeing with you in any way about the issue, just the analogy.
I don't believe that people failing to accept no in messaging here is an indication of their propensity for r@pe all the same.
While repeatedly refusing to accept no here is really really annoying, it's very easy to stop by simply blocking someone, or short of that, just don't read any of their messages after you've said no. "But why should it be up to the person receiving the messages to take time to fix the problem when the person being told no should just respect that and fuck off. | |||
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"So, it's got to the stage guys will not approach any woman in any format in public, work forget it, with HR rules and everyone afraid I know guys who will NEVER enter a room or office if women are present. Regardless of how many. My own sons are extremely hesitant around women. It's now seen as them and us, the enemies. And so many false accusations being made because you where d*unk. Never seen any situation of a guy bolting out of a house after a 1 night stand running to the Garda station. So No means No to the point any female who is in a bar cannot be flirted with, talked to or ever dare do anything physical even if you had two solicitors and 4 independent witnesses present. " What a load of bullshit. | |||
" But why should it be up to the person receiving the messages to take time to fix the problem when the person being told no should just respect that and fuck off. " Because everyone is responsible for their own safety. You can be in-the-right all day long, but it doesn't change the fact that the world will always be full of cunts. You need to protect yourself and can't go through life hoping strangers will make the effort to keep you safe. | |||
"So, it's got to the stage guys will not approach any woman in any format in public, work forget it, with HR rules and everyone afraid I know guys who will NEVER enter a room or office if women are present. Regardless of how many. My own sons are extremely hesitant around women. It's now seen as them and us, the enemies. And so many false accusations being made because you where d*unk. Never seen any situation of a guy bolting out of a house after a 1 night stand running to the Garda station. So No means No to the point any female who is in a bar cannot be flirted with, talked to or ever dare do anything physical even if you had two solicitors and 4 independent witnesses present. " Give me a bloody break. Absolute horseshit. | |||
" But why should it be up to the person receiving the messages to take time to fix the problem when the person being told no should just respect that and fuck off. Because everyone is responsible for their own safety. You can be in-the-right all day long, but it doesn't change the fact that the world will always be full of cunts. You need to protect yourself and can't go through life hoping strangers will make the effort to keep you safe." So the onus is on the victim? Interesting  | |||
" But why should it be up to the person receiving the messages to take time to fix the problem when the person being told no should just respect that and fuck off. Because everyone is responsible for their own safety. You can be in-the-right all day long, but it doesn't change the fact that the world will always be full of cunts. You need to protect yourself and can't go through life hoping strangers will make the effort to keep you safe. So the onus is on the victim? Interesting "Come one, you know thats not what im saying. There is no victim at this stage, just an annoying person messaging you. | |||
"So, it's got to the stage guys will not approach any woman in any format in public, work forget it, with HR rules and everyone afraid I know guys who will NEVER enter a room or office if women are present. Regardless of how many. My own sons are extremely hesitant around women. It's now seen as them and us, the enemies. And so many false accusations being made because you where d*unk. Never seen any situation of a guy bolting out of a house after a 1 night stand running to the Garda station. So No means No to the point any female who is in a bar cannot be flirted with, talked to or ever dare do anything physical even if you had two solicitors and 4 independent witnesses present. " What a load of tripe | |||
"To be fair, if no meant no in Ireland in relation to everything, nobody would ever eat or drink anything in anyone else's house. It's all about the "ah no, I'm grand... No, thanks, not at all.. Well sure, I suppose a drop wouldn't be any harm. Sure go on so, if you're making one anyway.." proceeds to sit drinking tea for four hours. Think about it in terms of sexual intent We should all know about consent but as someone else already said, I don't believe the analogy works at all. Fair enough.. we're not Irish so I guess it means nothing to us to actually decline tea offered to us. But focusing on the analogy itself is really not the point at all. It's only to show how simple and easy a denial (that actually matters) should be accepted. Happy to hear if there are better analogies or simply a better way of communicating the importance of consent
It's often disheartening how many people seem to think that simply being active on Fab equals consent
Tbh, personally I don't believe any analogy is necessary at all. No means no, end of story.
As it should be- but in reality that's not the case at all
All you need to look at is how many people persistently and incessantly message on Fab to know that no most definitely does not mean no to many folks
I'm not disagreeing with you in any way about the issue, just the analogy.
I don't believe that people failing to accept no in messaging here is an indication of their propensity for r@pe all the same.
While repeatedly refusing to accept no here is really really annoying, it's very easy to stop by simply blocking someone, or short of that, just don't read any of their messages after you've said no.
But why should it be up to the person receiving the messages to take time to fix the problem when the person being told no should just respect that and fuck off. "Well of course they should fuck off. They don't though, and despite us talking about this for years, the same thing still happens. I choose to mind my own mental health by ignoring those people. My suggestion isn't a way to fix the problem, just a workaround to retain sanity. | |||
"So, it's got to the stage guys will not approach any woman in any format in public, work forget it, with HR rules and everyone afraid I know guys who will NEVER enter a room or office if women are present. Regardless of how many. My own sons are extremely hesitant around women. It's now seen as them and us, the enemies. And so many false accusations being made because you where d*unk. Never seen any situation of a guy bolting out of a house after a 1 night stand running to the Garda station. So No means No to the point any female who is in a bar cannot be flirted with, talked to or ever dare do anything physical even if you had two solicitors and 4 independent witnesses present. What a load of tripe" This sounds like incel talk. People who never had the social skills to talk to women in the 1st place. And now using MeToo as an excuse to shift the blame on women. | |||
"So, it's got to the stage guys will not approach any woman in any format in public, work forget it, with HR rules and everyone afraid I know guys who will NEVER enter a room or office if women are present. Regardless of how many. My own sons are extremely hesitant around women. It's now seen as them and us, the enemies. And so many false accusations being made because you where d*unk. Never seen any situation of a guy bolting out of a house after a 1 night stand running to the Garda station. So No means No to the point any female who is in a bar cannot be flirted with, talked to or ever dare do anything physical even if you had two solicitors and 4 independent witnesses present. " The human race would come to an abrupt end if that were true | |||
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"Disgusting language, reported for abuse. American TV and talk shows are awash with exactely this issue. Guy approaches a girl at work, she says no, he walks away! She thinks well he didn't try very hard! Does she report him? Does he loose his job? You have a block button use it I definitely do for abusive people, or pests " Who abused you? To be fair, American tv and talkshows are where you're going wrong. | |||
"Disgusting language, reported for abuse. American TV and talk shows are awash with exactely this issue. Guy approaches a girl at work, she says no, he walks away! She thinks well he didn't try very hard! Does she report him? Does he loose his job? You have a block button use it I definitely do for abusive people, or pests " But you don't need to worry about pests right? Because they don't dare approach women right? I didn't see any abuse, but good luck with that | |||
"Disgusting language, reported for abuse. American TV and talk shows are awash with exactely this issue. Guy approaches a girl at work, she says no, he walks away! She thinks well he didn't try very hard! Does she report him? Does he loose his job? You have a block button use it I definitely do for abusive people, or pests " Well the talk and TV show ratings would probably plummet if they didn't focus on isolated sensationalist stories | |||
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"Disgusting language, reported for abuse. American TV and talk shows are awash with exactely this issue. Guy approaches a girl at work, she says no, he walks away! She thinks well he didn't try very hard! Does she report him? Does he loose his job? You have a block button use it I definitely do for abusive people, or pests " Just wondering why the shit of a bull is less disgusting than that of a horse? Keep stirring the pot | |||
"And replying directly to a person who has you blocked is against the rules here, but apparently they don't count. " It's actually not. I'm sure a mod will happily explain it. | |||
"So the term passport bros is not familiar with you! A car sales man takes no for an answer? Lots of girls expect a chase! And I've plenty of friends who are like this, you have an entire melting pot of views now, so lots of guys have checked out of dating. You clearly don't understand the wider issues " Reply and quote is your friend. That way we'll know who you're addressing. Personally I've never heard of passport bros but I'm going to assume it's an American concept of some sort? As for car salesmen, that's a completely different dynamic and it's not in any way comparable to the subject matter here. | |||
"Disgusting language, reported for abuse. American TV and talk shows are awash with exactely this issue. Guy approaches a girl at work, she says no, he walks away! She thinks well he didn't try very hard! Does she report him? Does he loose his job? You have a block button use it I definitely do for abusive people, or pests Just wondering why the shit of a bull is less disgusting than that of a horse? Keep stirring the pot "I actually like the smell of horseshit.  | |||
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"Disgusting language, reported for abuse. American TV and talk shows are awash with exactely this issue. Guy approaches a girl at work, she says no, he walks away! She thinks well he didn't try very hard! Does she report him? Does he loose his job? You have a block button use it I definitely do for abusive people, or pests Just wondering why the shit of a bull is less disgusting than that of a horse? Keep stirring the pot
I actually like the smell of horseshit. "That's batshit crazy | |||
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"Disgusting language, reported for abuse. American TV and talk shows are awash with exactely this issue. Guy approaches a girl at work, she says no, he walks away! She thinks well he didn't try very hard! Does she report him? Does he loose his job? You have a block button use it I definitely do for abusive people, or pests Just wondering why the shit of a bull is less disgusting than that of a horse? Keep stirring the pot
I actually like the smell of horseshit.
That's batshit crazy"Carrot in a box was crazy. I miss Seán Lock | |||
"Disgusting language, reported for abuse. American TV and talk shows are awash with exactely this issue. Guy approaches a girl at work, she says no, he walks away! She thinks well he didn't try very hard! Does she report him? Does he loose his job? You have a block button use it I definitely do for abusive people, or pests Just wondering why the shit of a bull is less disgusting than that of a horse? Keep stirring the pot
I actually like the smell of horseshit.
That's batshit crazy"Wait, Batshit? That's abusive!  | |||
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"Disgusting language, reported for abuse. American TV and talk shows are awash with exactely this issue. Guy approaches a girl at work, she says no, he walks away! She thinks well he didn't try very hard! Does she report him? Does he loose his job? You have a block button use it I definitely do for abusive people, or pests Just wondering why the shit of a bull is less disgusting than that of a horse? Keep stirring the pot
I actually like the smell of horseshit.
That's batshit crazy
Wait, Batshit? That's abusive! "Ah here, don't go Ape shit on me now! | |||
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"Disgusting language, reported for abuse. American TV and talk shows are awash with exactely this issue. Guy approaches a girl at work, she says no, he walks away! She thinks well he didn't try very hard! Does she report him? Does he loose his job? You have a block button use it I definitely do for abusive people, or pests Just wondering why the shit of a bull is less disgusting than that of a horse? Keep stirring the pot
I actually like the smell of horseshit. "It is the best smelling shit  | |||
"There have been lots of threads where women have posted about getting messages assuming that just because they were on fab they would put out at every opportunity. On the flip side there have been lots of comments about men not having a voice or a choice on here and those with that particular mindset must struggle to understand that consent is a two way street. My first fab meet 8 years ago was a prime example of someone not understanding the principle of consent and assuming that I would be so grateful I would go along with whatever they wanted without prior discussion. Even though I was the one physically attacked, that story could have had a very different ending if I had retaliated as she wanted me to and even when I didn't and walked away, it would have been very easy for her to create a completely different scenario and involve the police. The chances were they would take her word over mine. " I remember your story and I'm sorry you went through that. These kind of crimes go unreported for both sexes because of issues of proof and one word against another, but I understand why you didn't. It's a situation that many women find themselves in also and choose not to report. | |||
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"Consent Is an agreement of sorts! In every aspect of life! The same way I immediately blocked all the abusive people here and reported all rhose comments. The very essence being I have my view, you chose to disagree and not accept it! I'd call that hypocritical at the very least. Consent is accepting the other person/s view of answer on ANYTHING. But how nice of you to literally show that 100% Consent will never exist anywhere in society. Boss I'd like a day off... No... Can you stay and do overtime.. no Would you like a drink.... no Reality is their is NO difference our minds have been programmed from very very young to negotiate. Zero need for abuse the very thing you claim you want to stop. Irony." There are two words you seem to be confused about. One is consent and the other is abuse. Your definition of both is completely wrong. | |||
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And trying to counter argue I have no RIGHTS to this!
And that is exactly why consent won't happen. Case dismissed. I'll mould my kids, I guess you missed that part in your classroom. | |||
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"And I may add a simple request by myself where persons who are blocked by me not to refer to me was ignored... while arguing on consent
And trying to counter argue I have no RIGHTS to this!
And that is exactly why consent won't happen. Case dismissed. I'll mould my kids, I guess you missed that part in your classroom. "I think you are confusing a few concepts here. Speaking out in public about what someone else says in public is not a consent violation. Plus of course you have the right to counter argue, just the same as I have a right to tell you why I believe you are wrong. | |||
"There's a video that went viral a few years back discussing consent using the analogy of offering some a cup of tea. Highly recommend. If you don't feel like watching it, that's ok- I'll try and sum up this one point: If you offer someone a cup of tea and they decline, would you persistently (and perhaps forcefully) try to make them accept your tea?" Definitely not! Like most people, I need more than just their consent. I want a very enthusiastic YES please i really want a cup of tea with you! Any less than that then it's a not happening. Xx mrs bugs | |||
"Wow that got heavy. I just did a consent course and one of the phrases that really stood out for me was "when someone says no to you they're saying yes to themselves" Love it. " And I have my degree and deal with real consent issues daily. I am far from the person/s who lacks understanding as you no doubt realised doing your course. Seems others need to go do a few courses here. | |||
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"So, it's got to the stage guys will not approach any woman in any format in public, work forget it, with HR rules and everyone afraid I know guys who will NEVER enter a room or office if women are present. Regardless of how many. My own sons are extremely hesitant around women. It's now seen as them and us, the enemies. And so many false accusations being made because you where d*unk. Never seen any situation of a guy bolting out of a house after a 1 night stand running to the Garda station. So No means No to the point any female who is in a bar cannot be flirted with, talked to or ever dare do anything physical even if you had two solicitors and 4 independent witnesses present. " Maybe your sons being hesitant around women isn't such a bad think if they share your views No matter what the topic is there is always a negative vibe from you. Cheer up it might never happen. If you don't agree with me you can always block me. Oh wait you did already.lol | |||
"To be fair, if no meant no in Ireland in relation to everything, nobody would ever eat or drink anything in anyone else's house. It's all about the "ah no, I'm grand... No, thanks, not at all.. Well sure, I suppose a drop wouldn't be any harm. Sure go on so, if you're making one anyway.." proceeds to sit drinking tea for four hours. " That silly social tennis doesn't happen so much now thanks bejeeebus it used to drive me nuts. Offer tea or other refreshments, partake if you like, politely decline if you like, change your mind if you like. Just be clear about it with none of the nonsense, and don't be offended by someone exercising their choice. | |||
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"There's a video that went viral a few years back discussing consent using the analogy of offering some a cup of tea. Highly recommend. If you don't feel like watching it, that's ok- I'll try and sum up this one point: If you offer someone a cup of tea and they decline, would you persistently (and perhaps forcefully) try to make them accept your tea? Definitely not! Like most people, I need more than just their consent. I want a very enthusiastic YES please i really want a cup of tea with you! Any less than that then it's a not happening. Xx mrs bugs " Well done Mrs Bugs, you hit the nail on the head. Enthuastic consent. | |||
"Not sure about others, but I've no idea who has blocked me without physically checking each profile. I don't check every single profile before I comment on a forum thread "It's not against the rules to reply to someone in the forums who blocked you. It's against the rules to use the forums as a loop hole to contact someone because they have you blocked. | |||
"Not sure about others, but I've no idea who has blocked me without physically checking each profile. I don't check every single profile before I comment on a forum thread
It's not against the rules to reply to someone in the forums who blocked you.
It's against the rules to use the forums as a loop hole to contact someone because they have you blocked."I know that | |||
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"Wow that got heavy. I just did a consent course and one of the phrases that really stood out for me was "when someone says no to you they're saying yes to themselves" Love it. " Lovely | |||
"Consent is not just a yes A one word uttered Received and heard It's got a continuous Moment by moment Look by look Touch by touch A feast of things Emotions and notions A no is that moment When a halt is called When any wonder The desire is stalled Be it from Doubt or regret From having enough With mutual respect Consent is finished It's always finished when she or he says no by whatever means at whatever time." Excellent.. Has anybody here blocked me? | |||
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"Bringing this back to the original post. And this is from recent experience, and I'm not ashamed to say so. I just like to clarify, if I say no to the whole concept of you making me a cup of tea, that doesn't mean that five minutes later, when my back is turned, you decide its OK to force feed me the biscuits you were going to bring with the tea earlier, without my consent. No means no , if I say no to tea, I don't want just a little tea 5 minutes later or anything that goes along with it. And I really hope that any of you ladies or gents, who ever find themselves in that situation, please speak up ! Its not your fault,only because we are in the scene we are in, this is still not ok."  | |||
"Bringing this back to the original post. And this is from recent experience, and I'm not ashamed to say so. I just like to clarify, if I say no to the whole concept of you making me a cup of tea, that doesn't mean that five minutes later, when my back is turned, you decide its OK to force feed me the biscuits you were going to bring with the tea earlier, without my consent. No means no , if I say no to tea, I don't want just a little tea 5 minutes later or anything that goes along with it. And I really hope that any of you ladies or gents, who ever find themselves in that situation, please speak up ! Its not your fault,only because we are in the scene we are in, this is still not ok." Thanks Lolly, well said! It's mind boggling to us how anyone can think this is a contentious topic but clearly it is - that's why we think education and open discourse is so important. Appreciate your post | |||
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"What that says to me _inden is that you're one of the good guys who not only double checked, but cared about the response. Looking after your partner and their comfort levels is important. Your partner was trying to be funny, but consent can obviously be withdrawn at any time even after a session that was consented to, so you were right to take her seriously. It's a bit of a cruel joke though!" This particular lady really should have know better and promptly wrote out a contract of consent and signed it……. 
I was bringing another lady back to my house once (prearranged, messages to show consent) and I asked her if she wanted my Eircode to let anyone know where she was going, she laughed at me…… | |||
"What that says to me _inden is that you're one of the good guys who not only double checked, but cared about the response. Looking after your partner and their comfort levels is important. Your partner was trying to be funny, but consent can obviously be withdrawn at any time even after a session that was consented to, so you were right to take her seriously. It's a bit of a cruel joke though! This particular lady really should have know better and promptly wrote out a contract of consent and signed it…….
I was bringing another lady back to my house once (prearranged, messages to show consent) and I asked her if she wanted my Eircode to let anyone know where she was going, she laughed at me…… "It must be terrifying for guys nowadays. I'm not laughing at that, I'd be doing the same | |||
"What that says to me _inden is that you're one of the good guys who not only double checked, but cared about the response. Looking after your partner and their comfort levels is important. Your partner was trying to be funny, but consent can obviously be withdrawn at any time even after a session that was consented to, so you were right to take her seriously. It's a bit of a cruel joke though! This particular lady really should have know better and promptly wrote out a contract of consent and signed it…….
I was bringing another lady back to my house once (prearranged, messages to show consent) and I asked her if she wanted my Eircode to let anyone know where she was going, she laughed at me……
It must be terrifying for guys nowadays. I'm not laughing at that, I'd be doing the same "I think it’s probably a little easier being online where there’s at least an electronic trail etc. but I don’t think it’s anything like the fear that some have to contend with when it comes to meeting people. I’m sure we can at least all agree that while there is a fear of accusation or false accusations it can be nothing compared to the fear of something physical, or emotional. | |||
"What that says to me _inden is that you're one of the good guys who not only double checked, but cared about the response. Looking after your partner and their comfort levels is important. Your partner was trying to be funny, but consent can obviously be withdrawn at any time even after a session that was consented to, so you were right to take her seriously. It's a bit of a cruel joke though! This particular lady really should have know better and promptly wrote out a contract of consent and signed it…….
I was bringing another lady back to my house once (prearranged, messages to show consent) and I asked her if she wanted my Eircode to let anyone know where she was going, she laughed at me……
It must be terrifying for guys nowadays. I'm not laughing at that, I'd be doing the same
I think it’s probably a little easier being online where there’s at least an electronic trail etc. but I don’t think it’s anything like the fear that some have to contend with when it comes to meeting people.
I’m sure we can at least all agree that while there is a fear of accusation or false accusations it can be nothing compared to the fear of something physical, or emotional."Over the years I've chatted to a few ladies who insisted that our very first meet would be in their own home. They were well verified so I had no concerns about them being genuine but I refused on the grounds that I was a complete stranger to them and we had only exchanged a handful of messages through here. The fact that they were comfortable inviting a complete stranger into their home after such a short correspondence really put me off for all the obvious reasons. I know I would never cross any boundaries but they had no way of knowing that especially when we had never actually met. | |||
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"The whole no means yes thing seems to be confusing for some people and I think it stems from perhaps a bit of an Irish thing, out of politeness. Some people think if you offer them a cup of tea and they say no they might mean yes but are just being polite by first saying no as they don’t want to put the person to any trouble, which leads to the go on, go on, go on situation, which I understand. What I don’t understand is how some people seem to think this sort of thing applies to anything other than a cup of tea etc…. I had a situation a number of years ago with a lady (not from Fab) who had come to my house. At some stage during a break between rounds of fun I asked the her if she was ok, not that anything in particular had happened, just a general are you ok, to which she replied no, I think I’m here against my will, I want you to take me home. I sort of said what? in a laughing sort of way but she was stone faces and said it again. Now, it turned out she was only joking or being sarcastic but unfortunately she was quite the actress and kept it going for a little longer than she should have, and it frightened the absolute shite out of me. No one knew she was there, no one had seen her arrive and in my mind, in those few seconds/minutes anything that had happened was 100% my word against hers when it came to consent. This was around the time of a very public trial of an Irish rugby player so this sort of situation was quite prevalent. In the cold light of day, when I had some time to gather my thought, the situation was quite different. I had know this lady for a number of years, we had played before, we had exchanged numerous messages which would have left absolutely no doubt when it came to consent, infact, they would have shown that she was actually the instigator of the meet, but those few seconds where she though she was being sarcastic/funny were without a doubt some of the scariest of my life. Even if I had just met this lady on a night out and she came back to mine, there was still absolutely no doubt in my mind that I hadn’t done anything wrong, but it certainly sharpened my senses when it came to not only consent but to the proof of such." People should not play games with your head when you're being intimate with them. Your story reminded me.... I was with a guy once at his place, lying in his bed and he came out of the bathroom, started looking in the top drawer of his locker and turned to me with a really odd look on his face. Said to me 'what would you do if I had a gun in here' Well he frightened the absolute shit out of me, as I explained to him as I got my clothes on and extracted myself. He said it was 'just a joke' but needless to say that was the end of that unfunny liaison. | |||
"The whole no means yes thing seems to be confusing for some people and I think it stems from perhaps a bit of an Irish thing, out of politeness. Some people think if you offer them a cup of tea and they say no they might mean yes but are just being polite by first saying no as they don’t want to put the person to any trouble, which leads to the go on, go on, go on situation, which I understand. What I don’t understand is how some people seem to think this sort of thing applies to anything other than a cup of tea etc…. I had a situation a number of years ago with a lady (not from Fab) who had come to my house. At some stage during a break between rounds of fun I asked the her if she was ok, not that anything in particular had happened, just a general are you ok, to which she replied no, I think I’m here against my will, I want you to take me home. I sort of said what? in a laughing sort of way but she was stone faces and said it again. Now, it turned out she was only joking or being sarcastic but unfortunately she was quite the actress and kept it going for a little longer than she should have, and it frightened the absolute shite out of me. No one knew she was there, no one had seen her arrive and in my mind, in those few seconds/minutes anything that had happened was 100% my word against hers when it came to consent. This was around the time of a very public trial of an Irish rugby player so this sort of situation was quite prevalent. In the cold light of day, when I had some time to gather my thought, the situation was quite different. I had know this lady for a number of years, we had played before, we had exchanged numerous messages which would have left absolutely no doubt when it came to consent, infact, they would have shown that she was actually the instigator of the meet, but those few seconds where she though she was being sarcastic/funny were without a doubt some of the scariest of my life. Even if I had just met this lady on a night out and she came back to mine, there was still absolutely no doubt in my mind that I hadn’t done anything wrong, but it certainly sharpened my senses when it came to not only consent but to the proof of such. People should not play games with your head when you're being intimate with them. Your story reminded me.... I was with a guy once at his place, lying in his bed and he came out of the bathroom, started looking in the top drawer of his locker and turned to me with a really odd look on his face. Said to me 'what would you do if I had a gun in here' Well he frightened the absolute shit out of me, as I explained to him as I got my clothes on and extracted myself. He said it was 'just a joke' but needless to say that was the end of that unfunny liaison. " Jesus Christ what do people actually be thinking! In no way are the situations either you or _inden found yourselves in funny | |||
"The whole no means yes thing seems to be confusing for some people and I think it stems from perhaps a bit of an Irish thing, out of politeness. Some people think if you offer them a cup of tea and they say no they might mean yes but are just being polite by first saying no as they don’t want to put the person to any trouble, which leads to the go on, go on, go on situation, which I understand. What I don’t understand is how some people seem to think this sort of thing applies to anything other than a cup of tea etc…. I had a situation a number of years ago with a lady (not from Fab) who had come to my house. At some stage during a break between rounds of fun I asked the her if she was ok, not that anything in particular had happened, just a general are you ok, to which she replied no, I think I’m here against my will, I want you to take me home. I sort of said what? in a laughing sort of way but she was stone faces and said it again. Now, it turned out she was only joking or being sarcastic but unfortunately she was quite the actress and kept it going for a little longer than she should have, and it frightened the absolute shite out of me. No one knew she was there, no one had seen her arrive and in my mind, in those few seconds/minutes anything that had happened was 100% my word against hers when it came to consent. This was around the time of a very public trial of an Irish rugby player so this sort of situation was quite prevalent. In the cold light of day, when I had some time to gather my thought, the situation was quite different. I had know this lady for a number of years, we had played before, we had exchanged numerous messages which would have left absolutely no doubt when it came to consent, infact, they would have shown that she was actually the instigator of the meet, but those few seconds where she though she was being sarcastic/funny were without a doubt some of the scariest of my life. Even if I had just met this lady on a night out and she came back to mine, there was still absolutely no doubt in my mind that I hadn’t done anything wrong, but it certainly sharpened my senses when it came to not only consent but to the proof of such. People should not play games with your head when you're being intimate with them. Your story reminded me.... I was with a guy once at his place, lying in his bed and he came out of the bathroom, started looking in the top drawer of his locker and turned to me with a really odd look on his face. Said to me 'what would you do if I had a gun in here' Well he frightened the absolute shit out of me, as I explained to him as I got my clothes on and extracted myself. He said it was 'just a joke' but needless to say that was the end of that unfunny liaison. Jesus Christ what do people actually be thinking! In no way are the situations either you or _inden found yourselves in funny "To me that is just an asshole trying to hold the power. To put fear into a situation and think its funny. When you meet with someone it is a vulnerable situation here you have a right to feel safe. | |||
