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Advice on separation
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"I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did..." Have you tried individual and then couples counselling? Or what about sex counselling? I don’t know your wife but I find women tend to shut off when their mind is not in it, has something or many things over the years happened? The constant criticism could mean she’s not happy either.. hence the counselling. I’d see if a woman could give some insight though.. sorry regardless as I couldn’t imagine what that’s like.. | |||
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"Have you tried individual and then couples counselling? Or what about sex counselling? I don’t know your wife but I find women tend to shut off when their mind is not in it, has something or many things over the years happened? The constant criticism could mean she’s not happy either.. hence the counselling. I’d see if a woman could give some insight though.. sorry regardless as I couldn’t imagine what that’s like.. " OP I would go with this as the first step. Sometimes as couples get more comfortable their communication styles become different and while you may be saying things to her and her to you, you mightnt actually be hearing each other. Its not easy and a tough road, but least after that you can say you tried and walked away (if you do) after saying that. Best of luck | |||
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"I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did..." You have verifications dating back from 2022 so you have been on this site for 2 years at least. So let me ask this question does she know you are here? If not then you are cheating and trust me unless you are a fantastic actor she knows something is up with you, that you are hiding something and that constant criticism - that’s her response to you not being honest with her and not communicating with her. What men see as constant criticism is often a cry for help and you have either not listened properly or you are actively ignoring it. I say this as someone who was accused of constantly criticising about a dishwasher knives - sharp ones only to stop and then get told me being stabbed by one and our 3 year old at the time also being stabbed was actually my fault because I wasn’t watching him - instead I was clearing dishes away while rushing out the door trying to get the kids off to Creche with no help while he only had himself to get ready. The gaslighting from the constant criticism claims often ring alarm bells with me because of this. The fact you are here leads me to believe those bells are true. Your marriage is over - don’t pretend it isn’t any longer - you are not doing her any favours sticking around. | |||
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"My friend, there’s two questions you need to answer to this. Firstly, if it’s only a sexless marriage and everything else is ‘good’, maybe use your right hand a bit more and stay. If on the other hand, it’s a constant ‘you’re a useless prick’, then that’s not healthy for you, your wife and especially your kids. I left, took me about a year and I kept putting it off because it was Christmas, it was one of the kids birthday, there was always something that would give them a reminder that their father left. So I did it just before my birthday. When I told her I was leaving, it literally was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It was hard though and it is hard ever since. Mentally I am much healthier and happier. The children were upset but they knew that it wasn’t great listening to their mother scream most days at their dad and that upset them more. I lost all my friends bar two, one a male and one a female. Without them, I’d probably be in worse bother. I was from a small village and she slated me to everyone. She went to my work and told some serious lies about me to my employers. I had to prove it was all lies and I had to get her to retract it but the damage was already done and she knew that. I was paying the mortgage and giving her money for the children and she went to court looking for more. The judge told her to stop lying. Eventually we got divorced, that was a nightmare in itself. She got legal aid and I had to pay my bills. There’s no winner in that. Two of the children are in college and they don’t bother with their mother too much now. My youngest is finished school next year and the three of them I love very dearly and mean the world to me. This isn’t a poor me, poor me story. It’s just to say that most days I think about if I had of stayed, would the kids be different or not scared as I’m sure they have mentally. I have that guilt of me not being there all the time their mother was bringing in different men and me collecting them after a text late at night saying they didn’t feel safe there or wanting to stay the night in their ‘home’. The guilt and sadness of having to drop them home and a lump in my throat when they got out and gave me a hug and a kiss and said bye dad, I love you. But I also know that I’m alive for my children now and into the future and I’m not so sure if I had of stayed if I would have as I was constantly ill due to stress and it was my doctor that told me that the stress would kill me eventually if I didn’t do something. There is no one who can tell you to stay or leave, however, if it’s really bad for you now at the moment, imagine what it is going to be like when you say, I’m done and I’m leaving because you maybe closing one chapter but you are opening an entirely different book. Don’t slug your wife off, don’t call her names, keep them in your head if you want, bite your tongue. Your kids don’t want to see mum and dad fighting. Good luck with your decision my friend, have an exit plan, know where your going to live because you can’t live under the same roof and make the correct decision for you and your children and think of them first and foremost because they are the ones who will have the biggest impact on. " Best of luck with the future and your honesty. | |||
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"My friend, there’s two questions you need to answer to this. Firstly, if it’s only a sexless marriage and everything else is ‘good’, maybe use your right hand a bit more and stay. If on the other hand, it’s a constant ‘you’re a useless prick’, then that’s not healthy for you, your wife and especially your kids. I left, took me about a year and I kept putting it off because it was Christmas, it was one of the kids birthday, there was always something that would give them a reminder that their father left. So I did it just before my birthday. When I told her I was leaving, it literally was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It was hard though and it is hard ever since. Mentally I am much healthier and happier. The children were upset but they knew that it wasn’t great listening to their mother scream most days at their dad and that upset them more. I lost all my friends bar two, one a male and one a female. Without them, I’d probably be in worse bother. I was from a small village and she slated me to everyone. She went to my work and told some serious lies about me to my employers. I had to prove it was all lies and I had to get her to retract it but the damage was already done and she knew that. I was paying the mortgage and giving her money for the children and she went to court looking for more. The judge told her to stop lying. Eventually we got divorced, that was a nightmare in itself. She got legal aid and I had to pay my bills. There’s no winner in that. Two of the children are in college and they don’t bother with their mother too much now. My youngest is finished school next year and the three of them I love very dearly and mean the world to me. This isn’t a poor me, poor me story. It’s just to say that most days I think about if I had of stayed, would the kids be different or not scared as I’m sure they have mentally. I have that guilt of me not being there all the time their mother was bringing in different men and me collecting them after a text late at night saying they didn’t feel safe there or wanting to stay the night in their ‘home’. The guilt and sadness of having to drop them home and a lump in my throat when they got out and gave me a hug and a kiss and said bye dad, I love you. But I also know that I’m alive for my children now and into the future and I’m not so sure if I had of stayed if I would have as I was constantly ill due to stress and it was my doctor that told me that the stress would kill me eventually if I didn’t do something. There is no one who can tell you to stay or leave, however, if it’s really bad for you now at the moment, imagine what it is going to be like when you say, I’m done and I’m leaving because you maybe closing one chapter but you are opening an entirely different book. Don’t slug your wife off, don’t call her names, keep them in your head if you want, bite your tongue. Your kids don’t want to see mum and dad fighting. Good luck with your decision my friend, have an exit plan, know where your going to live because you can’t live under the same roof and make the correct decision for you and your children and think of them first and foremost because they are the ones who will have the biggest impact on. " My story is similar. Prepare an exit plan. It took me a while, but I've a successful new life now. I had €20 euros a week to live on, when I left, lived in a derelict house, held down a job, and looked after the kids. Surround yourself with people who will support you, they may not be many, but the support of a few is all you'll need. Ask them to support your exit strategy. Best of luck. | |||
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"Poshsardine Thank you for writing your story and glad to see you're in a better place now " Thanks BogMan. | |||
"My friend, there’s two questions you need to answer to this. Firstly, if it’s only a sexless marriage and everything else is ‘good’, maybe use your right hand a bit more and stay. If on the other hand, it’s a constant ‘you’re a useless prick’, then that’s not healthy for you, your wife Good luck with your decision my friend, have an exit plan, know where your going to live because you can’t live under the same roof and make the correct decision for you and your children and think of them first and foremost because they are the ones who will have the biggest impact on. Best of luck with the future and your honesty." Thank you Castello. | |||
"I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did... You have verifications dating back from 2022 so you have been on this site for 2 years at least. So let me ask this question does she know you are here? If not then you are cheating and trust me unless you are a fantastic actor she knows something is up with you, that you are hiding something and that constant criticism - that’s her response to you not being honest with her and not communicating with her. What men see as constant criticism is often a cry for help and you have either not listened properly or you are actively ignoring it. I say this as someone who was accused of constantly criticising about a dishwasher knives - sharp ones only to stop and then get told me being stabbed by one and our 3 year old at the time also being stabbed was actually my fault because I wasn’t watching him - instead I was clearing dishes away while rushing out the door trying to get the kids off to Creche with no help while he only had himself to get ready. The gaslighting from the constant criticism claims often ring alarm bells with me because of this. The fact you are here leads me to believe those bells are true. Your marriage is over - don’t pretend it isn’t any longer - you are not doing her any favours sticking around. " Is it even a remote possibility that he's here BECAUSE of the constant criticism? He's stated that he's tried talking and tried to rekindle things to no avail! But you can tell that she knows he's here and that's why she's always critical! I get that you've based that assumption on your own experience of criticism but not every situation is like that! OP,my advice would be to suggest counselling to your wife and do what you can to save the marriage. At least then if it fails you can say that at least you tried! I wish you all the best for whatever the future holds! | |||
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"I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did..." 2 years ago I walked away from it, I had tried counselling, had asked him to do some with me or on his own, he wouldn't. He was constantly negative about everything in life and it got me down hugely. It was the best decision I ever made, it was like a weight of blocks came off my back that day I ended it. And in fairness he is now so much happier and healthier, hard decision but the right one for us both. Kids still adjusting but it takes time. | |||
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"I'm stuck in a sexless marriage, zero intimacy despite trying talking and trying to rekindle, coupled with constant criticism of everythingI do. Has anyone walked away from a marriage like this and either regretted it or felt it was the best thing they ever did..." Walked away from a 20 year relationship when I was in my early 40s, left behind a beautiful house, property abroad, a great standard of living and basically started again. It was a very tough decision (because I thought I was too old to start again) but ultimately it changed my life for the better, I regained my confidence and my sense of self worth and absolutely love my life now. | |||
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"Abort. Live your best life." Totally agree | |||
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