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Terrible jokes
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The phone rings late at night, Sandra answers to hear a
Man breathing heavily.
"Have you got a tight, shaved cunt?" He asks
She replies, "I do, he's sound asleep can I take a message?" |
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Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh.
"Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!  |
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Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open the door. The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh.
"Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons! "
100 grapes up his ass and he feels bad? Where's his sense of adventure |
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By *s LollyWoman
over a year ago
The pub then supermacs ... |
"Me and my friend were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography. Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.  "
neighbour out mowing the law the two boys had the window open and one asked the other Doyouthinkhesaurus |
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By *rRiosMan
over a year ago
dublin |
"Me and my friend were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography. Unfortunately, my mothersaurus. neighbour out mowing the law the two boys had the window open and one asked the other Doyouthinkhesaurus "
Maybe we need to start a new thread for dinosaur related jokes? I think it might be huge, a Threadasurus? 
Sorry  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have to call a halt to this thread. I asked for your terrible jokes and I'm getting bangers after bangers. If I read these to the rest of the nursing home I'll have a few deaths on my conscience. |
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Oscar Pistorius is out of prison on parole. can't help but feel a bit sorry for him. After all, he isn't the only bloke who ever woke up legless in the early hours of Valentine's Day and then shot into his girlfriend's face while imagining she's someone else |
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"Oscar Pistorius is out of prison on parole. can't help but feel a bit sorry for him. After all, he isn't the only bloke who ever woke up legless in the early hours of Valentine's Day and then shot into his girlfriend's face while imagining she's someone else"
Fabswingers, please! Don't let this be the last post of this thread  |
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I'd you Google "lost medieval servant boy"
The result is "This page can't be found"
I'm the youngest of three. Both of my parents are older.
My grandfather always used to say, fight fire with fire...which is how he lost his job with the fire brigade. |
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By *rRiosMan
over a year ago
dublin |
"Koala bears aren't really bears.....
They don't have the right koalifications"
reminds a little of: Why does the Swedish Navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
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In Australian voice
Man a, My Sheila got stung on the pussy mate it’s swollen up tight and she won’t have sex with me
Man b, bummer mate 
Man c, cheers mate that’s a bonza idea, I didn’t think of that |
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By *og-ManMan 41 weeks ago
somewhere |
A d*unk staggers into the pub and orders whiskey.
"No," says the bartender. "You're already d*unk, and you stiffed me for your tab last time you were here. Leave or I call the police.'
"Wait," slurs the d*unk. "If you'll give me a couple drinks, I'll get up on the bar and fart 'Danny Boy' for you."
Before the bartender can say no, a howl of agreement goes up from the others sitting at their stools. One even offers to cover the D*unkard's' previous tab.
"OK", grumbles the barkeep. He pours 2 whiskeys, and the d*unk slowly drinks them down.
"Up on the bar. let's hear 'Danny Boy'."
The d*unk climbs up onto the bar top, with the help of the bartender himself.
He stands, drops his pants, bends over and "PTTTHHH" out drops a load of s**t, covering the bar, stools, and the d*unk's own legs.
"WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING?!!" screams the barman as he jumps backwards.
"Hey," replies the d*unk. "Even Sinatra had to clear his throat."
???? |
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*These are jokes- meant in a lighthearted entertaining way only. *
What do you call a gay dinosaur-
mega- sore-ass.
What’s the leading cause of death in lesbians- hairballs.
I was so ugly when I was born - my mother put down newspapers on the floor.
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What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both get close enough to smell the goods, but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.
What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.
Guys beat it like they hate it  |
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"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she passionately yelled at me, "I'm so wet, I'm soaking, give it to me now!", as she wildly grabbed at me.
It was obvious she wanted it right there and now, but she could scream and yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella,... |
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""Give it to me! Give it to me!" she passionately yelled at me, "I'm so wet, I'm soaking, give it to me now!", as she wildly grabbed at me.
It was obvious she wanted it right there and now, but she could scream and yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella,...
See above "
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""Give it to me! Give it to me!" she passionately yelled at me, "I'm so wet, I'm soaking, give it to me now!", as she wildly grabbed at me.
It was obvious she wanted it right there and now, but she could scream and yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella,...
See above "
Oooops, didn't spot that  |
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"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst." |
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An old neighbour of mine was on his way home one evening when he came across a garda checkpoint.
He rolled down the window and the guard asked him where he was coming from. He said to the guard I'm coming from a quakers wake it was a strange experience.
So the guard ask why what's the difference with that compared with a normal wake.
So the replied they cut his cock off and nail it over the door and everyone entering must give it 5 hard tugs.
Jesus said the guard what do they do next?
So he replied then when its roughly 5ft 10 they send it to Templemore and put a uniform on it..
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By (user no longer on site) 41 weeks ago
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I was driving my car through some rough weather in the country and was taking a route that went over a mountain pass. I was stopped by a policeman who advised me not to travel that way in this weather. I insisted that I am competent enough.
Then is said, “but what happens if you encounter Mister Fog?”. Condescending twat! So I said “well, if I encounter Mister Fog, I shall put Mister Foot on Mister Brake and slow down Mister Car!”
He looked at me and said, “I said ‘mist or fog’, you deaf prick!!!” |
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By (user no longer on site) 41 weeks ago
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So I was fucking this Brazilian chick, and as things got steamy she started shouting "hoyo equivocado! hoyo equivocado!". I thought "I'm so going to use that, it will make me look like I know Spanish".
So the next day, I was playing golf with my Spanish buddy and I managed a birdie on the 5th. So I shouted "hoyo equivocado!"...and he said "what do you mean "wrong hole"? |
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"So I was fucking this Brazilian chick, and as things got steamy she started shouting "hoyo equivocado! hoyo equivocado!". I thought "I'm so going to use that, it will make me look like I know Spanish".
So the next day, I was playing golf with my Spanish buddy and I managed a birdie on the 5th. So I shouted "hoyo equivocado!"...and he said "what do you mean "wrong hole"?"
Brazilians speak Portuguese though... |
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By *og-ManMan 41 weeks ago
somewhere |
Two guys in a pub.
One says - The wife is nagging me to mow the lawn
Other says - I cut mine this morning. The wife is delighted with me
First guy - Ah, but you have a ride on
Second guy - I do now! |
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"What is the first mention of elasticity in the bible? Jesus tied his ass to a tree and wandered in the desert for 40 days and nights."
Which reminds me of:
How do we know that Jesus rode a motor bike?
Because, it says in the bible that Jesus entered the city on his Triumph. |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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Cannibals catch an English man, an Irish man, and a Scotsman. They tell them they're going to get eaten, but they have one last request.
The English man says I want 100 men singing "God save the King" as I breathe my last breath.
The Irish man says I want 100 men singing "Amhrán na bhFiann" as I breathe my last breath.
The Scotsman says...fucking kill me first |
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Man comes home with a duck under his arm. He looks at his wife and says "Honey this is the pig I've been fucking". The wife says "Thats not a pig it's a duck you idiot"... man says "I wasn't talking to you" |
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By *og-ManMan 36 weeks ago
somewhere |
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead."
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there
were quite a few Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs
attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or
five crabs in it.
"Gee-whizz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind
and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I
get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over
there and pull her up again". |
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A man is shipwrecked on an uninhabited island with a pig and dog for company.
After a few weeks the man gets horny and the pig starts to look very much like a possibility, as he starts to caress the pig the dog growls and barks at him, and forces him away from the pig.
A couple of weeks later he tries again but same thing happens and this carries on like this every time he goes near the pig.
Months pass and one day a gorgeous young blond also gets shipwrecked on to the island....the man runs down the beach to meet them ....
" Thank god you have come"
"Can you hold this F*"*ING dog for a while"?
Told to Betty White by Rue Clanahan, whilst recording Golden Girls when their mics were still recording
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A wife tells her husband she must travel to a conference in Italy but her employer won't pay for him to go with her, so he must stay at home.
He looks despondent so she promises she'll bring him back any gift he desires to make it up to him.
His eyes light up and he asks her to bring him back one of those gorgeous Italian girls.
She is alone when he picks her up from the airport on her return and he asks where his Italian girl is.
"Sorry honey, I did my best but you're just going to have to wait 9 months to find out if it's a girl like the rest of us" |
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"A man is shipwrecked on an uninhabited island with a pig and dog for company.
After a few weeks the man gets horny and the pig starts to look very much like a possibility, as he starts to caress the pig the dog growls and barks at him, and forces him away from the pig.
A couple of weeks later he tries again but same thing happens and this carries on like this every time he goes near the pig.
Months pass and one day a gorgeous young blond also gets shipwrecked on to the island....the man runs down the beach to meet them ....
" Thank god you have come"
"Can you hold this F*"*ING dog for a while"?
Told to Betty White by Rue Clanahan, whilst recording Golden Girls when their mics were still recording
"
Reminds me of an old Ronnie Corbett story:
A fella is stranded alone on a desert island. One day, as he lays on the beach staring out to sea, a beautiful young woman in a wetsuit walks out of the sea towards him. The young beauty looks him in the eye and says: you look like you could use a good drink. Before our castaway has a chance to answer, the blonde has reached into her wetsuit and produced a half bottle of excellent brandy. Then the girl says " how about a smoke to go with your drink?" Again, without any more words she unzips her wetsuit a little more and hands him a Grand Cohiba cigar, lights it and then eyes him seductively as he takes a long draw.
Then, the young lady unzips her wetsuit a little further as she says: "would you like to play around with me?"
And the bloke says" Crikey,'you mean you've got a couple of sets of golf clubs in there too?" |
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A lad gets stopped on the street by a girl selling stuff.. "Can you help me out by buying this small single use bottle of mouthwash please?"
He asks how much..
"€30" she replies
"Jesus, that's too pricey. Do you have anything else?"
"Well I have this homemade sticky chocolate cake for €1" she replies..
"Great, I'll take one of them" as he hands over the money and takes a bite..
Suddenly he retches and spits it out... "Ah ffs, that tastes like absolute shit!"
"It is" says she, "would you like to buy some mouthwash?" |
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Stephen Hawking's very last words:
https://youtu.be/Gb2jGy76v0Y?si=0rnOnxWeebqsRzxJ
