FabSwingers.com > Forums > Ireland > Friend zoned
Friend zoned
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Ah the friend zone
That place between getting politely turned down and slowly watching a correspondence fizzle out for eternity.
A couple of years ago I had two concurrent fwb/lovers for the better part of a year. I was dating too. Everyone was happy with the status quo.
Then I met someone and fell in love. And my friends with benefits didn't want to be my friends anymore. They weren't looking for friends in the first place.
I've empathise OP. I have made friends twice on fab with women that I spent a not inconsiderable time developing a connection with. I think these friendships will the outlast sexual fantasy I had in my head and I cherish that.
My ego though. It's still feeling a bit hard done by. |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"You're too nice
I've suspected as much. Is there such a thing? I should be.. less nice?
It's a fine line
Be more mysterious and less open maybe"
Yeah I hear you and certainly have tried masking plenty in my life but faking mystery is not my thing and easily spotted.
I may not be debonair but that doesn't equate to unattractiveness- just for some. Different strokes and all that 
I'd rather be open and jovial and if people don't like that, ah well  |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"Ah the friend zone
That place between getting politely turned down and slowly watching a correspondence fizzle out for eternity.
A couple of years ago I had two concurrent fwb/lovers for the better part of a year. I was dating too. Everyone was happy with the status quo.
Then I met someone and fell in love. And my friends with benefits didn't want to be my friends anymore. They weren't looking for friends in the first place.
I've empathise OP. I have made friends twice on fab with women that I spent a not inconsiderable time developing a connection with. I think these friendships will the outlast sexual fantasy I had in my head and I cherish that.
My ego though. It's still feeling a bit hard done by."
Thanks dude.. I must remember to look you up next time we're in Galway. Would love to have a pint with you.. friend  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You're too nice
I've suspected as much. Is there such a thing? I should be.. less nice?
It's a fine line
Be more mysterious and less open maybe
Yeah I hear you and certainly have tried masking plenty in my life but faking mystery is not my thing and easily spotted.
I may not be debonair but that doesn't equate to unattractiveness- just for some. Different strokes and all that
I'd rather be open and jovial and if people don't like that, ah well "
No point denying your nature 
|
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Mr here...
This is a phenomenon that just doesn't seem fair.
If you love & respect your girl, and you treat her nice, and you help her out and engage with her family, etc., you end up as a friend...
But if you retain the mystique and edge that attracted her to you in the first place, then as love develops, you can feel like you're not respecting her, so your edge & mystique fades, and she in turn then finds you unexciting, and her attraction to you dwindles...
It really is a fine line.
But there are long-term couples who keep the edge and sexual excitement alive over the years, while still loving and respecting each other...
  |
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"Ah the friend zone
That place between getting politely turned down and slowly watching a correspondence fizzle out for eternity.
A couple of years ago I had two concurrent fwb/lovers for the better part of a year. I was dating too. Everyone was happy with the status quo.
Then I met someone and fell in love. And my friends with benefits didn't want to be my friends anymore. They weren't looking for friends in the first place.
I've empathise OP. I have made friends twice on fab with women that I spent a not inconsiderable time developing a connection with. I think these friendships will the outlast sexual fantasy I had in my head and I cherish that.
My ego though. It's still feeling a bit hard done by.
Thanks dude.. I must remember to look you up next time we're in Galway. Would love to have a pint with you.. friend "
I was just thinking the same thing this morning! Though naughtier in fairness. |
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Then once you've set the tone and made it clear you're interested then leave, 5 or 10 mins away at the bar just with your partner. Give them a chance to discuss you guys with each other, and a good chance to check in and make sure you're both good also. Then when you DO go back it will be clear what they decided.
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
Being friend zoned just means the other person doesn't want to shag you,they feel no sexual attraction towards you. It doesn't mean you are too nice it just means that spark that most people want in order to have sex just isn't there for them.The fact they want to stay friends means they like you as a person. Acting any different to how you actually are would just mean they would not want anymore to do with you. |
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"I think the trick is to get flirty early and fast. That sets the tone. Eye contact. Seating positions. Body language. "
But then she says Excuse me this is a public bus and I'd prefer you left me alone .
It's not easy out there! |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"I'm not talking about faking anything btw, just maybe give away less at a first meeting "
Aye fair - the funny thing is the both of them divulged far more than I did- I'm very easy to talk to but that puts me in the role of a therapist, not a lover.. unless you're looking for some sort of RP scenario
Perhaps that's where I'm "too nice" as in I'm too good at listening |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"Being friend zoned just means the other person doesn't want to shag you,they feel no sexual attraction towards you. It doesn't mean you are too nice it just means that spark that most people want in order to have sex just isn't there for them.The fact they want to stay friends means they like you as a person. Acting any different to how you actually are would just mean they would not want anymore to do with you."
Agreed, thanks x |
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"Then once you've set the tone and made it clear you're interested then leave, 5 or 10 mins away at the bar just with your partner. Give them a chance to discuss you guys with each other, and a good chance to check in and make sure you're both good also. Then when you DO go back it will be clear what they decided.
"
Is this a thing? I never would have thought of that. It seems like good advice on the face of it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not talking about faking anything btw, just maybe give away less at a first meeting
Aye fair - the funny thing is the both of them divulged far more than I did- I'm very easy to talk to but that puts me in the role of a therapist, not a lover.. unless you're looking for some sort of RP scenario
Perhaps that's where I'm "too nice" as in I'm too good at listening "
Perhaps |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"I think the trick is to get flirty early and fast. That sets the tone. Eye contact. Seating positions. Body language. "
Oh definitely try to do this.. not reciprocated from the start so I assumed friendship the entire way through.. at least I can manage my expectations |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"Then once you've set the tone and made it clear you're interested then leave, 5 or 10 mins away at the bar just with your partner. Give them a chance to discuss you guys with each other, and a good chance to check in and make sure you're both good also. Then when you DO go back it will be clear what they decided.
"
This sounds like advice for a couples meet? |
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Being friendly and not taking it further doesn't necessarily mean they don't find you attractive. You could just have fallen into a compatibility groove where you get on so well that you get post in conversation. |
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"Then once you've set the tone and made it clear you're interested then leave, 5 or 10 mins away at the bar just with your partner. Give them a chance to discuss you guys with each other, and a good chance to check in and make sure you're both good also. Then when you DO go back it will be clear what they decided.
This sounds like advice for a couples meet?"
Oh worry I misread ignore me. I thought we were talking couples. |
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I found, on reflection, that the (fantastic) women who offered me friendship simply realised the spark wasn't there before I did. And if and when I get round to really feeling it, I realised they were right.
I don't think you can to too friendly or too open. I mean your looking for a match right? |
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By *affa31Woman
over a year ago
Galway |
"I'm not talking about faking anything btw, just maybe give away less at a first meeting
Aye fair - the funny thing is the both of them divulged far more than I did- I'm very easy to talk to but that puts me in the role of a therapist, not a lover.. unless you're looking for some sort of RP scenario
Perhaps that's where I'm "too nice" as in I'm too good at listening "
I end up in that position as unqualified therapist as well…no one would accuse me of being too nice though
Sometimes there’s just no sexual chemistry…more fool them |
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"I think the trick is to get flirty early and fast. That sets the tone. Eye contact. Seating positions. Body language.
Oh definitely try to do this.. not reciprocated from the start so I assumed friendship the entire way through.. at least I can manage my expectations "
Yeah if there is no interest you'll pickup the signs and can enjoy a nice platonic time |
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I should add here that I have also met women who I didn't feel it with and offered genuine friendship because I thought the connection on that level is good.
Sometimes reciprocated, sometimes not. Plenty people aren't here to make friends so all is fair in love and war. |
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"I should add here that I have also met women who I didn't feel it with and offered genuine friendship because I thought the connection on that level is good.
Sometimes reciprocated, sometimes not. Plenty people aren't here to make friends so all is fair in love and war."
Oh yeah a new friend in general is a success not a failure, but it doesn't scratch that particular itch |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"I should add here that I have also met women who I didn't feel it with and offered genuine friendship because I thought the connection on that level is good.
Sometimes reciprocated, sometimes not. Plenty people aren't here to make friends so all is fair in love and war.
Oh yeah a new friend in general is a success not a failure, but it doesn't scratch that particular itch "
True true- plenty of people I'd rather be platonic friends with than shag but it's certainly nice to be fancied sometimes too 
Maybe wearing my loud lemon shirt puts them off.. I'm too camp  |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"Ah the friend zone
That place between getting politely turned down and slowly watching a correspondence fizzle out for eternity.
A couple of years ago I had two concurrent fwb/lovers for the better part of a year. I was dating too. Everyone was happy with the status quo.
Then I met someone and fell in love. And my friends with benefits didn't want to be my friends anymore. They weren't looking for friends in the first place.
I've empathise OP. I have made friends twice on fab with women that I spent a not inconsiderable time developing a connection with. I think these friendships will the outlast sexual fantasy I had in my head and I cherish that.
My ego though. It's still feeling a bit hard done by.
Thanks dude.. I must remember to look you up next time we're in Galway. Would love to have a pint with you.. friend
I was just thinking the same thing this morning! Though naughtier in fairness."
Well that certainly wouldn't be off the table but.. your beard might be an impediment |
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By *oghunter33Woman
over a year ago
on the hill NordWest of |
I think this all stems from 'the spark at first meet theory' which I'm not a big fan of.
I get that for a fab meet, no sexual attraction on first sight, forget about it.
If you're looking for a partner, you should give yourself bit more time to get to know someone.
You can often observe peeps going by the spark theory and end up with the same type of full of self idiot. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think this all stems from 'the spark at first meet theory' which I'm not a big fan of.
I get that for a fab meet, no sexual attraction on first sight, forget about it.
If you're looking for a partner, you should give yourself bit more time to get to know someone.
You can often observe peeps going by the spark theory and end up with the same type of full of self idiot. "
And then getting bitter because they judge the entire target demographic by their own mistakes |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"I think this all stems from 'the spark at first meet theory' which I'm not a big fan of.
I get that for a fab meet, no sexual attraction on first sight, forget about it.
If you're looking for a partner, you should give yourself bit more time to get to know someone.
You can often observe peeps going by the spark theory and end up with the same type of full of self idiot.
And then getting bitter because they judge the entire target demographic by their own mistakes"
Too right.
"Am I out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong!"  |
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"I think this all stems from 'the spark at first meet theory' which I'm not a big fan of.
I get that for a fab meet, no sexual attraction on first sight, forget about it.
If you're looking for a partner, you should give yourself bit more time to get to know someone.
You can often observe peeps going by the spark theory and end up with the same type of full of self idiot. "
Also some people are demisexual and might not know it. And others might know it and not share it.
Sparks do happen and can be a really good start if the moment is seized which is what I think filthy was alluding to above about getting flirty early and often.
Sparks fade too though and it can be tricky to feed that fire over time of opportunities and timing are not favouring the bold.
Long term needs time. And perhaps the investment is proportional to the result when the stars align for an involved.
It's the nature of the beast. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think this all stems from 'the spark at first meet theory' which I'm not a big fan of.
I get that for a fab meet, no sexual attraction on first sight, forget about it.
If you're looking for a partner, you should give yourself bit more time to get to know someone.
You can often observe peeps going by the spark theory and end up with the same type of full of self idiot.
Also some people are demisexual and might not know it. And others might know it and not share it.
Sparks do happen and can be a really good start if the moment is seized which is what I think filthy was alluding to above about getting flirty early and often.
Sparks fade too though and it can be tricky to feed that fire over time of opportunities and timing are not favouring the bold.
Long term needs time. And perhaps the investment is proportional to the result when the stars align for an involved.
It's the nature of the beast. "
What is 'demisexual', pleasethankyou  |
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demisexual
adjective
experiencing sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
Demisexual is considered to be on the asexual spectrum.
Don't want to go off topic here. There is a thread about labels around here somewhere... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"demisexual
adjective
experiencing sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
Demisexual is considered to be on the asexual spectrum.
Don't want to go off topic here. There is a thread about labels around here somewhere..."
Interesting. Thank you |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"demisexual
adjective
experiencing sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
Demisexual is considered to be on the asexual spectrum.
Don't want to go off topic here. There is a thread about labels around here somewhere..."
There's no off topic.. I've often considered myself more demi, especially compared to many lads who seem to be able to roll up on strangers. My wife is the same.. I envy them sometimes |
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"demisexual
adjective
experiencing sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
Demisexual is considered to be on the asexual spectrum.
Don't want to go off topic here. There is a thread about labels around here somewhere...
There's no off topic.. I've often considered myself more demi, especially compared to many lads who seem to be able to roll up on strangers. My wife is the same.. I envy them sometimes "
I learned that word on a coffee meet recently with a very astute lady.
I believe it describes me fairly accurately too. Not in every single case obviously but in general it explains what types of initial interactions I prefer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"demisexual
adjective
experiencing sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
Demisexual is considered to be on the asexual spectrum.
Don't want to go off topic here. There is a thread about labels around here somewhere..."
Finally a label that fits me woohoo |
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"demisexual
adjective
experiencing sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
Demisexual is considered to be on the asexual spectrum.
Don't want to go off topic here. There is a thread about labels around here somewhere...
There's no off topic.. I've often considered myself more demi, especially compared to many lads who seem to be able to roll up on strangers. My wife is the same.. I envy them sometimes
I learned that word on a coffee meet recently with a very astute lady.
I believe it describes me fairly accurately too. Not in every single case obviously but in general it explains what types of initial interactions I prefer."
I'd add that I wouldn't consider 'close emotional bond' to be the defining criteria at least in my case.
A connection for sure. That can be emotional, intellectual, humour, filthy erotica or because we both love craft beer. Just a potential connection of some sort is my preference.
Sometimes those connections develop into friendships and that brings us neatly back to the OP. |
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"Went on a couple dates recently off Bmble.. had a wonderful time at both and..
**Friend zoned**
OOF!
Not looking for advice, just sharing experience. On with the search "
It's common. There will be more wonderful times with wonderful people to come rest assured. Onwards as you say. Good luck in the search.  |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"Went on a couple dates recently off Bmble.. had a wonderful time at both and..
**Friend zoned**
OOF!
Not looking for advice, just sharing experience. On with the search
It's common. There will be more wonderful times with wonderful people to come rest assured. Onwards as you say. Good luck in the search. "
Ta xx |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
So the latest date I went on.. she randomly sent me a YouTube clip of Steve Carell's painfully awkward flirting in Anchorman 2... completely unprompted and we never mentioned anything even closely related before..
How TF am I supposed to take that (I'm dying)  |
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"So the latest date I went on.. she randomly sent me a YouTube clip of Steve Carell's painfully awkward flirting in Anchorman 2... completely unprompted and we never mentioned anything even closely related before..
How TF am I supposed to take that (I'm dying) "
She's obviously looking for a very specific role play scenario |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"So the latest date I went on.. she randomly sent me a YouTube clip of Steve Carell's painfully awkward flirting in Anchorman 2... completely unprompted and we never mentioned anything even closely related before..
How TF am I supposed to take that (I'm dying)
She's obviously looking for a very specific role play scenario "
I LOVE LAMP |
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By *s LollyWoman
over a year ago
The pub then supermacs ... |
I don't use dating apps as im not looking for anything other than here, but ive a tendency of chatting and then meeting someone, its good at that particular time then a day or so later boom im straight into "friend zone" them  |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"I don't use dating apps as im not looking for anything other than here, but ive a tendency of chatting and then meeting someone, its good at that particular time then a day or so later boom im straight into "friend zone" them "
I feel you. I go for long periods of time not talking to many other adults other than my wife with ASD so I sometimes forget how socially different I am/we are to neurotypicals.. and then I remember what unmasking feels like all over again  |
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"I don't use dating apps as im not looking for anything other than here, but ive a tendency of chatting and then meeting someone, its good at that particular time then a day or so later boom im straight into "friend zone" them
I feel you. I go for long periods of time not talking to many other adults other than my wife with ASD so I sometimes forget how socially different I am/we are to neurotypicals.. and then I remember what unmasking feels like all over again "
Similar to you, we live rurally and kinda isolated and it takes nearly all my social effort to deal with my ND family. I think fab gives me that little bit of extra honest social interaction that keeps my cup filled up. I have a lot of daily business interactions but linking in on a professional level is something I have in its own little box. |
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"Being friend zoned just means the other person doesn't want to shag you,they feel no sexual attraction towards you. It doesn't mean you are too nice it just means that spark that most people want in order to have sex just isn't there for them.The fact they want to stay friends means they like you as a person. Acting any different to how you actually are would just mean they would not want anymore to do with you."
Totally agree with this...too lazy to repeat what she said. |
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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago
somewhere |
"I don't use dating apps as im not looking for anything other than here, but ive a tendency of chatting and then meeting someone, its good at that particular time then a day or so later boom im straight into "friend zone" them "
And some sit down for a coffee with you and go straight into a friend zone |
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"I don't use dating apps as im not looking for anything other than here, but ive a tendency of chatting and then meeting someone, its good at that particular time then a day or so later boom im straight into "friend zone" them
I feel you. I go for long periods of time not talking to many other adults other than my wife with ASD so I sometimes forget how socially different I am/we are to neurotypicals.. and then I remember what unmasking feels like all over again
Similar to you, we live rurally and kinda isolated and it takes nearly all my social effort to deal with my ND family. I think fab gives me that little bit of extra honest social interaction that keeps my cup filled up. I have a lot of daily business interactions but linking in on a professional level is something I have in its own little box."
I would feel very similar |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"Every time I get friend zoned I make a new friend. Not only that but a friend I can freely talk about the lifestyles we live.
It's a net win."
Too right- when it works that way.. and sometimes "let's just be friends" really means, "I don't care to ever see you again".
I find it difficult to understand why people don't just say what they actually mean. It's so easy, children do it all the time |
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"Every time I get friend zoned I make a new friend. Not only that but a friend I can freely talk about the lifestyles we live.
It's a net win.
Too right- when it works that way.. and sometimes "let's just be friends" really means, "I don't care to ever see you again".
I find it difficult to understand why people don't just say what they actually mean. It's so easy, children do it all the time "
True I didn't think about it that way because it wouldn't occur to me to offer friendship as a polite way of saying no.
There's not much harm in it though. Probably most people are going on the social cue rather than the literal words and just want to be polite. |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"Every time I get friend zoned I make a new friend. Not only that but a friend I can freely talk about the lifestyles we live.
It's a net win.
Too right- when it works that way.. and sometimes "let's just be friends" really means, "I don't care to ever see you again".
I find it difficult to understand why people don't just say what they actually mean. It's so easy, children do it all the time
True I didn't think about it that way because it wouldn't occur to me to offer friendship as a polite way of saying no.
There's not much harm in it though. Probably most people are going on the social cue rather than the literal words and just want to be polite."
Yeah that's where I fall short.. understanding social cues is not my forte |
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"Went on a couple dates recently off Bmble.. had a wonderful time at both and..
**Friend zoned**
OOF!
Not looking for advice, just sharing experience. On with the search "
did you ask her go swinging lol |
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By *ingpot! OP Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
"I feel your pain I think I permanently reside in the friendzone"
Oh no man sorry to hear that 
It's not particularly painful for me. Just more like.. "huh..ok".. but it's a very small sample and I'm fortunate to have a gorgeous wife to come home to so there are certainly worse things |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Went on a couple dates recently off Bmble.. had a wonderful time at both and..
**Friend zoned**
OOF!
Not looking for advice, just sharing experience. On with the search "
Ahhh the " friend" ...the thing is once there that's it there will never be mind blowing sex simply because she doesn't want it...you're a " friend "..you're right..on with the search |
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