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Safety for single women at meets?
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By *panishRebel OP Man
over a year ago
Alicante Spain, and Cork City Ireland |
I got a message from a very dear friend recently. She is one of the good if not the best of one's.
I will quote it.
"Hey can you have my back when I go on any meets sometimes? ... I do not really have anyone to tell where I'm going etc"
I wanted to get feedback from people on fab, how they deal with this issue. The need to be safe, feel safe and yet go out which is inherently risky. Especially for single women.
Definitely a serious thread I know so please be truthful yet kind. |
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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago
somewhere |
A lot of people have a safety person
Someone they can tell where they're going and with who
I know I used to have a female friend that wasn't on fab that Id ring and say where I was if I was on a meet
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Have a friend whom you tell when you're going out to a meet, the location (this is at your discretion especially if private residence). Sent a text at an agreed time say 20 mins in to say you're ok etc. Maybe message again at the end.
This is something I've always encouraged any of my meets especially if it's a first play meet. Tell the guy you're meeting your arrangement. Any decent guy shouldn't have an issue with this. |
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As someone who's very first fab meet years ago resulted in me being assaulted I can understand the need for safety precautions.
I have turned down at least 3 offers to meet on here from women insisting I go to their home.
There were no obvious red flags and all were very well verified but I had no interest in meeting any woman who had so little thought for her personal safety that she would invite me as a complete stranger into her home.
I have no issue with someone telling a friend where they are going to be.
Giving that friend my personal details is a different story because I don't know them or what they may do with that information.
In regards to what can be done if something happens I've no idea.
In my situation I didn't feel physically intimidated but the thought of the possible consequences had I retaliated, as she wanted, I hasten to add, stick with me to this day.
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By *panishRebel OP Man
over a year ago
Alicante Spain, and Cork City Ireland |
"As someone who's very first fab meet years ago resulted in me being assaulted I can understand the need for safety precautions.
I have turned down at least 3 offers to meet on here from women insisting I go to their home.
There were no obvious red flags and all were very well verified but I had no interest in meeting any woman who had so little thought for her personal safety that she would invite me as a complete stranger into her home.
I have no issue with someone telling a friend where they are going to be.
Giving that friend my personal details is a different story because I don't know them or what they may do with that information.
In regards to what can be done if something happens I've no idea.
In my situation I didn't feel physically intimidated but the thought of the possible consequences had I retaliated, as she wanted, I hasten to add, stick with me to this day.
"
This thread is not about me but I have a tinder story that resonates with your story.
So far it's men replying. I would also love to hear from the women and couples. |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
The only time I've ever had any hassle with someone I met was when I met someone for a social with 24 hours of first chatting. It's not something I will ever do again.
Everyone else I had chatted to for a good while before I met and I felt as though I knew them pretty well before we met. And while yes you never fully know someone until you meet I've found people can't keep a pretense up for too long if you chat for a while.
I always meet in a public place when I am meeting anyone new.I park where there are people about as well. And after what happened to me I would now always leave after the other person and walk to my car alone. I've never felt the need to have a safety person personally,so far anyhow but I understand why someone would have someone know where they are going etc. But if things did go wrong I don't think they would be much help all you can do is look out for red flags when you chat and if you meet and any hinky feeling at all walk away.
Oh and always check your rear view mirror driving home as I know of at least two women who were followed when they left a meet as well by arseholes who thought it was acceptable to try and find where they lived. |
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By *om TangoMan
over a year ago
aughnacloy monaghan area |
Get the guys phone number and give it to a friend Meet only in a very public place, meet for coffee tea for first date. If he’s not up for that tell him to fuck off. Learn how to do a drop pin on Google maps and send it to a friend. If on Snapchat turn on location. On first date (coffee/tea) try to get his car registering and share it with friends. If he’s a gentleman he won’t mean giving u these details. |
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At the moment we only meet together which is super handy and relaxing for me as I don’t worry as much about this stuff.
But when this was different I most definitely told a close friend my exact location and when I’d be meeting them. Just to be clear it’d always be public meets until I was comfortable so I wasn’t breaking any persons privacy by sharing the location. My friend would also get a first name and I’d check in with them throughout the date.
Nowadays you can share on WA your live location which is super handy. Never a time like the present to be extra cautious.
I’ve used the WA live location feature before when I’ve been lost somewhere (navigationally challenged lol) or was going on long walks by myself. Super handy so I’d definitely recommend - Mrs  |
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By *om TangoMan
over a year ago
aughnacloy monaghan area |
"Agree with everything JustBo said. At coffee pay in cash don't want them spotting my full name on bank cards. I meet somewhere busy like Kildare Village etc don't let them walk me to car. "
Red flag straight away when a man will let pay for a coffee. |
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Laura has had some very dicey moments and has had to talk a man down from doing something nasty twice, one of which stalked her after. Always have some kind of safety mechanism in place, and always have some info about who are are meeting and where, with a 3rd party. |
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I try to suss out people by chat here.
Next step, is meet at a hotel in town, in full view of staff, under the cctv.
If all goes well, invite them to follow me back to my place a short walk away.
I expect the people I'm meeting to take similar precautions, including calling a friend at the end of the meet. |
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" The only time I've ever had any hassle with someone I met was when I met someone for a social with 24 hours of first chatting. It's not something I will ever do again.
Everyone else I had chatted to for a good while before I met and I felt as though I knew them pretty well before we met. And while yes you never fully know someone until you meet I've found people can't keep a pretense up for too long if you chat for a while.
I always meet in a public place when I am meeting anyone new.I park where there are people about as well. And after what happened to me I would now always leave after the other person and walk to my car alone. I've never felt the need to have a safety person personally,so far anyhow but I understand why someone would have someone know where they are going etc. But if things did go wrong I don't think they would be much help all you can do is look out for red flags when you chat and if you meet and any hinky feeling at all walk away.
Oh and always check your rear view mirror driving home as I know of at least two women who were followed when they left a meet as well by arseholes who thought it was acceptable to try and find where they lived."
that is scary behaviour they followed them home jeez  |
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By *panishRebel OP Man
over a year ago
Alicante Spain, and Cork City Ireland |
"This thread is terrifying. People are crazy. "
Unfortunately the risk is there. While I have found fab people open about sex and other things, there are always those who try to take advantage.
I do feel however, with careful checking of veris things work.
Very frustrating for new people who can't get a meet, aren't eligible to an event etc. I feel for them. But that's not so serious as something going wrong.
It pays to be aware. |
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I do think this kind of thread is very unbalanced as its a collective response, a miniscule reflection of the thousands of meets that happen every day and thousands of first meets, most I'd say happen without any questionable incidents or without having someone knowing where they are or who they're with. It's no different to vanilla world of dating either. Because of the forums, verifications, socials, kik groups etc I'd hazard a guess and say its safer than vanilla for those reasons.
Some examples given are the same examples given every time these threads appear and they have appeared for many many years.
A balance and perspective does need to be seen in the light of these threads. |
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I feel like comparing the thousands of successful meets with the isolated scary or dangerous ones may lead to a misleading conception of the real problem here.
If one person gets hurt out of thousands that's too many. People can take years to recover from such experiences.
And it is also perhaps possible that the reason there is less rather than more incidents is because women, out of necessity and experience, take the necessary precautions to ensure their safety.
I have a friend who enjoys having sex in risky situations. We have a system to minimise the risk and maximise the response when she is out meeting someone she doesn't know.
The greatest danger is to people new in this scene and threads like your are important for awareness and support.
It's just common sense.
And meeting people on an anonymous sex site that is choc full unscrupulous self-serving ne'er do wells is nothing like the real world. |
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"I feel like comparing the thousands of successful meets with the isolated scary or dangerous ones may lead to a misleading conception of the real problem here.
If one person gets hurt out of thousands that's too many. People can take years to recover from such experiences.
And it is also perhaps possible that the reason there is less rather than more incidents is because women, out of necessity and experience, take the necessary precautions to ensure their safety.
I have a friend who enjoys having sex in risky situations. We have a system to minimise the risk and maximise the response when she is out meeting someone she doesn't know.
The greatest danger is to people new in this scene and threads like your are important for awareness and support.
It's just common sense.
And meeting people on an anonymous sex site that is choc full unscrupulous self-serving ne'er do wells is nothing like the real world."
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"I do think this kind of thread is very unbalanced as its a collective response, a miniscule reflection of the thousands of meets that happen every day and thousands of first meets, most I'd say happen without any questionable incidents or without having someone knowing where they are or who they're with. It's no different to vanilla world of dating either. Because of the forums, verifications, socials, kik groups etc I'd hazard a guess and say its safer than vanilla for those reasons.
Some examples given are the same examples given every time these threads appear and they have appeared for many many years.
A balance and perspective does need to be seen in the light of these threads. "
was just going to post the exact same thing. I’d be confident in saying the positive , lovely meets far outweigh the negatives. I have met women off diff sites. I have never told anyone where I am going but I do understand the safety net , especially for women . |
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All true that the vast majority of the time things go great, but if you have enough meets and are here long enough you'd be lucky to have had no bad experiences. It's better to talk about them then pretend they don't happen. |
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I have been taken advantage of by someone I've met on here. He was exceptionally well verified, then pestered me for a verification. Through unfortunate set of circumstances he knew where I lived so I didn't have a choice but to leave him a veri. It was so obscure and vague - many women contacted me to ask what it meant.
I really hope I spared them from unfortunate experience like mine.
Throught the years I've lost count on how many women have found themselves in similar circumstance like mine or worse.
What I've learned from my experience - I will absolutely never meet anyone who even hints that they expect sex. I don't flirt with strangers. I never engage in sex talk with anyone I've never met. My attitude is now often met with "but this is a seeeexxxx siiiite" and similar crap.
Or when I make plans to meet someone and they start asking last minute if there's any chance for some fun, I make it clear that no, a drink/coffee is all it is. There will be no "fun" - they suddenly have every excuse not to show up. All varying from work to family deaths... which makes me wonder - if I didn't make it clear that I expect no expectations from me - would they be pushy? Would they squeeze themselves that bit closer to me even if I happened not to be attracted to them? Would they start touching me up, just because I'm on fab so it's okay? Do men, who meet women for a coffee still expect in the back of their minds that they'll get a bj in a car park (know at least two women who this happened to) ?
What is safe?
What is acceptable?
What is consent?
Where is the line of sexual assault?
Clearly some say this is a seeeeexxxxx siiiite, but does it mean that some people have to act like dogs and they're excused for their action just because "I thought that's what you wanted because you've some naked photos on your profile".
I'm only talking about men's behaviour towards women because that's a scenario I've experienced first hand and these kind of scenarios that my peers shared with me.
I'm certain there are women out there who are just as predatory, but I can't comment on something I've never experienced myself.
Missus |
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I have direct experience with a predatory woman on fab and it blew my mind that I could treated with such contempt from someone who worked hard to gain my trust.
I was new and naive and learned my lesson. I'm a trusting person and that's how I live my life. Bit less so on fab now and that's healthy.
This is the internet. Trust is not assumed until earned. |
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"I have direct experience with a predatory woman on fab and it blew my mind that I could treated with such contempt from someone who worked hard to gain my trust.
I was new and naive and learned my lesson. I'm a trusting person and that's how I live my life. Bit less so on fab now and that's healthy.
This is the internet. Trust is not assumed until earned."
Exactly. I've learned to block people at their first red flag.
Exceptional safety feature |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have direct experience with a predatory woman on fab and it blew my mind that I could treated with such contempt from someone who worked hard to gain my trust.
I was new and naive and learned my lesson. I'm a trusting person and that's how I live my life. Bit less so on fab now and that's healthy.
This is the internet. Trust is not assumed until earned.
Exactly. I've learned to block people at their first red flag.
Exceptional safety feature "
This, every time. I didn't learn it on fab, earlier life experiences taught me. Trust your instincts, don't be persuaded into doing things that you aren't comfortable with. |
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By *adylaceWoman
over a year ago
Waterford City |
I think we all know that 99% of the meets you have here are going to be fine. But all you need is to be unlucky enough to meet that 1% to end up in a very scary situation. So we have to act as if we are possibly meeting one of those men or women and take a few steps to try to ensure our own safety. It's like taking insurance out on your car. You hope to never need it but it's there just incase. |
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For meets when I was a single lady, I would give all details of the other to trusted friend and have a prearranged check.in with code words if needed. As a couple when I play its either with trusted fabbers I've met over the years and Jay has all details, for group play I've a trusted fellow fabber to watch out for me when it begins |
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"Also what are the options to be a help in this situation if things go wrong? "
It's a common set-up to have a friend who knows where you are going, and that you call them at a set time, or send a thumbs up text so they know all is well.
You could arrange a coded text between ye that you send if all is not well, and if your buddy receives it they will ring you asap.
You could also tell your meet that you've a check-in buddy. They should respect that, if that causes them concern, that's a red flag straight away.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Great advice above
Better to meet socially and in public and
Tell someone too if you can
As others have said vast majority of meets will be good however have to be aware and safe just in case
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I was in a fab hiking group 5 or 6 years ago and fell out with a guy in the group because of his predatory behaviour towards a handful of women in the group.
The group admin kicked him out but some of the other women begged him to add him again.
Apparently he had followed some home from socials and been extremely creepy at other times.
The women who hadn't met him one on one thought he was lovely and it caused a major breakup in the group.
The same guy had been removed from other groups long before I joined fab for exactly the same thing.
He had a history of bringing his fb into private homes he was working in and had a really bad reputation.
In more recent times he has been able to get verified under a different profile and despite warnings from me and others, has been invited to socials.
Imagine my surprise when I turned up at one to find that some well known and respected forumites had been mates with him for years.
I take everything said on here with a pinch of salt but those women who felt threatened by him can't all be wrong surely?
I've also left a large social due to the predatory behaviour of the male half of a couple who was pestering my friend for sex and apparently every other woman at the social.
We were told he would never be allowed at future events and other organisers would be given his details and yet he and his partner are verified at almost every social held in NI ever since.
Take as many precautions as you need to take because nobody else really gives a fuck apparently. |
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By *DSGCouple
over a year ago
That place in |
When on dating sites or here my bestie got names,photos,location all info I had, I'd text to say I was safe during the coffee meet and when i got home my safety comes 1st....end off!
Told a lad my friend has all your info he was not impressed, whick I do understand but I also pointed out what if it was your daughter/sister/mum would u like her to be safe also? He got my pointing he never thought woman would need to do that but we have to men also,just in case |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Also what are the options to be a help in this situation if things go wrong?
It's a common set-up to have a friend who knows where you are going, and that you call them at a set time, or send a thumbs up text so they know all is well.
You could arrange a coded text between ye that you send if all is not well, and if your buddy receives it they will ring you asap.
You could also tell your meet that you've a check-in buddy. They should respect that, if that causes them concern, that's a red flag straight away.
"
....also arrange a first meet in a place where there are some people about...cafe, restaurant, pub....Needless to say a first meet in an apartment, isolated park or in the back of a car down a dark alleyway is never a good idea |
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"When on dating sites or here my bestie got names,photos,location all info I had, I'd text to say I was safe during the coffee meet and when i got home my safety comes 1st....end off!
Told a lad my friend has all your info he was not impressed, whick I do understand but I also pointed out what if it was your daughter/sister/mum would u like her to be safe also? He got my pointing he never thought woman would need to do that but we have to men also,just in case "
Last time I was Tinder dating it was perfectly normal on every date for a woman to say something like one sec just have to text my friend that I'm grand.
This is a good sign! |
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I think the telling a friend where you are and the username of who you're meeting is useful and giving the ole thumbs-up that all is going well or that you've arrived home safely is a great idea. However let's be realistic, the chances of something happening in a public setting are very slim.
Predators behave differently, most will generally work hard to gain your trust and even the trust of your fab friends. It's when you are alone that without scaremongering here, bad shit can happen. Stealthing, non consent, physical abuse and women being overwhelmed or overpowered in private situations that they have agreed to go to willingly. What then? How do you even begin to come to terms with any of those traumatic situations. It then becomes a very serious problem in proving it wasn't agreed to when approaching the authorities or the fab community.
Another platform I was very active in has a fantastic community that takes the safe participation of everyone extremely seriously but it's not without it's flaws.
Verifications work but predators are devious enough to know how to work the system and pick their victims wisely.
In my opinion women are every bit as capable of abuse, stalking and predatory behaviour as their male counterparts.
The majority of what happens here is very positive and I am truly sorry if I've triggered anyone.
Please keep safe and do your homework as best you can about who you're meeting.
All the love x
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I think it also has to be said, signing up to online sites where the object is meeting runs its risk always. You know what you’re signing into. You have thousands on the World Wide Web and lunatics/crazies in all walks of life even though the good do outweigh the bad. You’re going to see/meet/chat to at least one nut job somewhere. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Everyone’s safety is most important female/male/ts.tv/ and all those in between
Reading the posts above both female and male are open to horrible situations that shouldn’t happen
Well done too you guys that have spoken openly about your experiences
Everyone just needs to be extra careful
On here and any other site you choose to use stay safe |
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By *panishRebel OP Man
over a year ago
Alicante Spain, and Cork City Ireland |
Reading through everything, it just confirms my friends instincts about asking me to be a contact to know things are OK.
While 99percent of meets may be fine, The 1 percent (and it may be much higher) should not happen and anything to reduce these risks are helpful and needed.
In order to work meets need the minimum as follows:
The need to be safe.
The need to feel safe.
The need to be free from fear.
The need for excitement.
The need to feel good.
These surely are the foundation of further interaction which leads to trust, which allows relationships, be they partnerships, fwb or the myriad of other variations.
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Personally I only have 3 real friends in my life, aswell as 2 family members. I don't have any friends on here, just yet. So I'm doing all of my meets, if & when they happen on my own. As if I tell them, it'd open a can of worms, it not worth it to me, for now anyway's.
The thoughs that a woman or couple didn't feel safe or happy in my presence, would freak me out, so to speak. That said I'd hope they'd say it & we'd move on. Until I read this thread I always felt that I should walk a lady to her car or at least very near it anyway's. I must change my mind on that front anymore.
If your able to share with friends about being(if they're not on here already) meeting up with someone, do it. It's better to be safe than sorry in the long run. Everybody should be safe & feel safe in a meet, at all times.
Personally if something happened I don't think I'd come back on here, not in a hurry anyway's.   |
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