Just pressed the nuclear button and decided to seperate after 35 yrs together. Seems amicable as we have outgrown / drifted for whatever reason.
While im ok with the legal stuff im not familiar with the enotional roller coaster this could be. Any advices appreciated. |
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By *eijaWoman
over a year ago
City Centre |
"Your experience will be unique, try to remember that. All advice offered will come from a good place but must be tailored to you.
Exactly this, take everything at your own pace and mind yourself.
Everything takes time...time to process, time to mourn the relationship and eventually time to explore new things again.
Best of luck OP.
B x
Wishing you the best. Take your time with things
"
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My advice:
Take it one day at a time.
And
Treat others as you wish to be treated.
If your separation is amicable, that's a great start. But the shock of leaving 35 years together will take time to get over - I only got to 22, and it was harrowing although relatively amicable.
All the best x Mrs
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Best of luck OP
My ltr lasted 17yrs and as amicable as it was the grief was real and tangible.
The best advice I got was that everything would look different in a year. And it did. Give yourself that time.
You will find yourself again and you will find new parts of yourself when you are ready.
When I seperated it was coming up to my 40th birthday so I gifted myself with six months of therapy. This helped me a lot, especially with realising I had value as an individual while still experiencing the loss of everything I thought I valued. |
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"Best of luck OP
My ltr lasted 17yrs and as amicable as it was the grief was real and tangible.
The best advice I got was that everything would look different in a year. And it did. Give yourself that time.
You will find yourself again and you will find new parts of yourself when you are ready.
When I seperated it was coming up to my 40th birthday so I gifted myself with six months of therapy. This helped me a lot, especially with realising I had value as an individual while still experiencing the loss of everything I thought I valued."
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It's a gutsy thing to do and only you know if it's the right thing for you and your family. The advice I would give is be true to yourself and that you can only control how you behave and not anyone else. Also don't be afraid to say no to a solicitor who might advise you that you can "get more" and instead trust your gut about what you feel it right. You don't want to feel later on that you mistreated anyone. If there are kids involved then remember they are still half your responsibility and that's probably more important now than it's ever been. Good luck! |
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"Best of luck OP
My ltr lasted 17yrs and as amicable as it was the grief was real and tangible.
The best advice I got was that everything would look different in a year. And it did. Give yourself that time.
You will find yourself again and you will find new parts of yourself when you are ready.
When I seperated it was coming up to my 40th birthday so I gifted myself with six months of therapy. This helped me a lot, especially with realising I had value as an individual while still experiencing the loss of everything I thought I valued."
 this!
OP I think grieving for the loss of everything that life was with a partner is something that needs a lot of patience and love to get through. Definitely be kind to yourself and look into healthy self-care for the mind and body.
You will find pieces of you that you thought were lost and new joys in life for the taking. It can be an exciting transition if you welcome the changes with positivity.
Take your time...
I hope everything can stay amicable between you both. It certainly helps with moving forward. x |
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I think it eould be good to have a few different, neutral advisors for the next few years.
A knowledgeable solicitor,.. But you dont have to follow All the advice .
A good male friend to whinge with, have a few beers, chat.
A good female friend to do similar.
Perhaps a lover, to keep loneliness at bay, but no long term committment.
Walk the Camino, alone. Its great to sort out your head.
Best of luck.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sometimes the hardest decision is not to do anything and both live being unhappy and accepting the status quo. Now you have made the split the advantage is it being amicable one.
I would suggest to try and keep it amicable as this will help you both mentally ( its going to be a very stressful journey) and physically (spliting the assets, money, financial support etc).
Keep the lawyers out of all this as long as you can as they dont know you both as well as you know each other. To them you both are just a case reference and a nice pay off.
As its amicable atm, try researching the DIY divorce procedure which is available online.
I believe this is available UK wide but not sure about the ROI.
You should investigate support mechanisms, i.e family, friends, work colleagues etc. This is important as a coping mechanism.
I will finish by wishing you all the very best and remember this is a marathon and not a sprint. You will have 'wins' and 'losses' but these are to be expected. So make the necessay preparations and rehearse potential situations so your nental health stays strong throughout. Good luck! |
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By *astelloWoman
over a year ago
Far far away |
Fabulous advice here. My own tuppence worth. Try counselling. Helps you recenter yourself. Dont jump into another relationship. Try to do things outside your comfort zone.
All were mentioned above.. Good luck |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Going thru the same atm. First of all you are not alone. You may feel that way, but it will get better. If it is for the right reasons then ye have made the right decision. Just think of a more positive future on the horizon. Keep the faith, J |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm the same... Money is mad to divorce I was on boards.. Couple of people did the DIY divorce we are both getting on fine so that's the route I'm taking..
On another note I find it very lonely hence the reason I'm here haven't got much time to date.... But we all have got this peeps... Keep the chin up |
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Represents myself (separation & divorce) , saved a fortune…. Focused on ensuring the kids had/have everything they need and all very amicable now and getting on with things.
Agree with all above especially about allowing yourself the time to adjust, rethink, refocus and in a year or so things will start to make sense again.
Loneliness is real but better to be lonely than be unhappy.
Best of luck my friend…. I hope your journey is safe and as painless as it can be |
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My two pence worth, get counselling, I thought I didn’t need it but after two years of anti depressants etc it changed my outlook on the situation. Also engage mediation with the legal aid board or similar free service, it saves a tonne of money in legal fees drafting a separation agreement. Best of luck |
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"My two pence worth, get counselling, I thought I didn’t need it but after two years of anti depressants etc it changed my outlook on the situation. Also engage mediation with the legal aid board or similar free service, it saves a tonne of money in legal fees drafting a separation agreement. Best of luck"
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After being through separation and divorce, my two cents would be, get a solicitor and don’t pick the first one you see, do a bit of research. Secondly, do not sign anything, especially a Separation Agreement as once signed by both of you, it’s a legally binding document and contract. It can mess things up. My ex wife signed a Separation Agreement and then when divorce came along, she wanted half of my pension. It would mean she would have gotten about €900 a fortnight on top of the state pension. Because she signed away any right to my pension in the agreement, the divorce judge would not give her any of my pension. I paid the mortgage on the house and I gave her maintenance for the children per week and she still bad mouthed me to everyone.
Sign nothing is the best advice I can give and it was a bitter divorce because of her.
On a personal level, I lost all but two of my friends. My best friend tried his hardest to fuck her. A few other friends also tried to get a leg over, one or two did, which she enjoyed telling me about one day. I lost her family, I liked a few of her sisters. I lost a lot of my former neighbours who took sides. It was a low time. It is a low time. Like others say, get some counselling.
And don’t sign a fucking thing.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"After being through separation and divorce, my two cents would be, get a solicitor and don’t pick the first one you see, do a bit of research. Secondly, do not sign anything, especially a Separation Agreement as once signed by both of you, it’s a legally binding document and contract. It can mess things up. My ex wife signed a Separation Agreement and then when divorce came along, she wanted half of my pension. It would mean she would have gotten about €900 a fortnight on top of the state pension. Because she signed away any right to my pension in the agreement, the divorce judge would not give her any of my pension. I paid the mortgage on the house and I gave her maintenance for the children per week and she still bad mouthed me to everyone.
Sign nothing is the best advice I can give and it was a bitter divorce because of her.
On a personal level, I lost all but two of my friends. My best friend tried his hardest to fuck her. A few other friends also tried to get a leg over, one or two did, which she enjoyed telling me about one day. I lost her family, I liked a few of her sisters. I lost a lot of my former neighbours who took sides. It was a low time. It is a low time. Like others say, get some counselling.
And don’t sign a fucking thing. "
That sounds so messy |
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"After being through separation and divorce, my two cents would be, get a solicitor and don’t pick the first one you see, do a bit of research. Secondly, do not sign anything, especially a Separation Agreement as once signed by both of you, it’s a legally binding document and contract. It can mess things up. My ex wife signed a Separation Agreement and then when divorce came along, she wanted half of my pension. It would mean she would have gotten about €900 a fortnight on top of the state pension. Because she signed away any right to my pension in the agreement, the divorce judge would not give her any of my pension. I paid the mortgage on the house and I gave her maintenance for the children per week and she still bad mouthed me to everyone.
Sign nothing is the best advice I can give and it was a bitter divorce because of her.
On a personal level, I lost all but two of my friends. My best friend tried his hardest to fuck her. A few other friends also tried to get a leg over, one or two did, which she enjoyed telling me about one day. I lost her family, I liked a few of her sisters. I lost a lot of my former neighbours who took sides. It was a low time. It is a low time. Like others say, get some counselling.
And don’t sign a fucking thing.
That sounds so messy "
It was. One day we met with both our solicitors and barristers, she was on legal aid, we agreed to a settlement, got it typed up, her solicitor said I had to sign it first if I was happy with it, I signed it and gave it to my solicitor who gave it to her solicitor and then came back and said she wouldn’t sign it and as I did, she would be able to get more now.
Fuck me, couldn’t believe it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"After being through separation and divorce, my two cents would be, get a solicitor and don’t pick the first one you see, do a bit of research. Secondly, do not sign anything, especially a Separation Agreement as once signed by both of you, it’s a legally binding document and contract. It can mess things up. My ex wife signed a Separation Agreement and then when divorce came along, she wanted half of my pension. It would mean she would have gotten about €900 a fortnight on top of the state pension. Because she signed away any right to my pension in the agreement, the divorce judge would not give her any of my pension. I paid the mortgage on the house and I gave her maintenance for the children per week and she still bad mouthed me to everyone.
Sign nothing is the best advice I can give and it was a bitter divorce because of her.
On a personal level, I lost all but two of my friends. My best friend tried his hardest to fuck her. A few other friends also tried to get a leg over, one or two did, which she enjoyed telling me about one day. I lost her family, I liked a few of her sisters. I lost a lot of my former neighbours who took sides. It was a low time. It is a low time. Like others say, get some counselling.
And don’t sign a fucking thing.
That sounds so messy
It was. One day we met with both our solicitors and barristers, she was on legal aid, we agreed to a settlement, got it typed up, her solicitor said I had to sign it first if I was happy with it, I signed it and gave it to my solicitor who gave it to her solicitor and then came back and said she wouldn’t sign it and as I did, she would be able to get more now.
Fuck me, couldn’t believe it. "
How's things stand now? |
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"After being through separation and divorce, my two cents would be, get a solicitor and don’t pick the first one you see, do a bit of research. Secondly, do not sign anything, especially a Separation Agreement as once signed by both of you, it’s a legally binding document and contract. It can mess things up. My ex wife signed a Separation Agreement and then when divorce came along, she wanted half of my pension. It would mean she would have gotten about €900 a fortnight on top of the state pension. Because she signed away any right to my pension in the agreement, the divorce judge would not give her any of my pension. I paid the mortgage on the house and I gave her maintenance for the children per week and she still bad mouthed me to everyone.
Sign nothing is the best advice I can give and it was a bitter divorce because of her.
On a personal level, I lost all but two of my friends. My best friend tried his hardest to fuck her. A few other friends also tried to get a leg over, one or two did, which she enjoyed telling me about one day. I lost her family, I liked a few of her sisters. I lost a lot of my former neighbours who took sides. It was a low time. It is a low time. Like others say, get some counselling.
And don’t sign a fucking thing.
That sounds so messy
It was. One day we met with both our solicitors and barristers, she was on legal aid, we agreed to a settlement, got it typed up, her solicitor said I had to sign it first if I was happy with it, I signed it and gave it to my solicitor who gave it to her solicitor and then came back and said she wouldn’t sign it and as I did, she would be able to get more now.
Fuck me, couldn’t believe it.
How's things stand now?"
Thats sounds like a horrific situation..hope we are not comparing scars in a few months....hope its better for you now? |
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"After being through separation and divorce, my two cents would be, get a solicitor and don’t pick the first one you see, do a bit of research. Secondly, do not sign anything, especially a Separation Agreement as once signed by both of you, it’s a legally binding document and contract. It can mess things up. My ex wife signed a Separation Agreement and then when divorce came along, she wanted half of my pension. It would mean she would have gotten about €900 a fortnight on top of the state pension. Because she signed away any right to my pension in the agreement, the divorce judge would not give her any of my pension. I paid the mortgage on the house and I gave her maintenance for the children per week and she still bad mouthed me to everyone.
Sign nothing is the best advice I can give and it was a bitter divorce because of her.
On a personal level, I lost all but two of my friends. My best friend tried his hardest to fuck her. A few other friends also tried to get a leg over, one or two did, which she enjoyed telling me about one day. I lost her family, I liked a few of her sisters. I lost a lot of my former neighbours who took sides. It was a low time. It is a low time. Like others say, get some counselling.
And don’t sign a fucking thing.
That sounds so messy
It was. One day we met with both our solicitors and barristers, she was on legal aid, we agreed to a settlement, got it typed up, her solicitor said I had to sign it first if I was happy with it, I signed it and gave it to my solicitor who gave it to her solicitor and then came back and said she wouldn’t sign it and as I did, she would be able to get more now.
Fuck me, couldn’t believe it.
How's things stand now?"
Grand thank you. I speak to her through text only which isn’t often. I never bad mouthed her to the children and I never let them speak bad of her. They stay with me often during the week for school or college and sometimes the weekend if I’m not working. I’m actually away with them now on holidays. But in another two years, the youngest finishes school and I hope I never have to speak or see her again. She means nothing to me. She went out of her way to be nasty to me and I’ll never forget not forgive her for that. She wanted the separation and I think she could have handled things a lot easier for me, her and the children. |
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"After being through separation and divorce, my two cents would be, get a solicitor and don’t pick the first one you see, do a bit of research. Secondly, do not sign anything, especially a Separation Agreement as once signed by both of you, it’s a legally binding document and contract. It can mess things up. My ex wife signed a Separation Agreement and then when divorce came along, she wanted half of my pension. It would mean she would have gotten about €900 a fortnight on top of the state pension. Because she signed away any right to my pension in the agreement, the divorce judge would not give her any of my pension. I paid the mortgage on the house and I gave her maintenance for the children per week and she still bad mouthed me to everyone.
Sign nothing is the best advice I can give and it was a bitter divorce because of her.
On a personal level, I lost all but two of my friends. My best friend tried his hardest to fuck her. A few other friends also tried to get a leg over, one or two did, which she enjoyed telling me about one day. I lost her family, I liked a few of her sisters. I lost a lot of my former neighbours who took sides. It was a low time. It is a low time. Like others say, get some counselling.
And don’t sign a fucking thing.
That sounds so messy
It was. One day we met with both our solicitors and barristers, she was on legal aid, we agreed to a settlement, got it typed up, her solicitor said I had to sign it first if I was happy with it, I signed it and gave it to my solicitor who gave it to her solicitor and then came back and said she wouldn’t sign it and as I did, she would be able to get more now.
Fuck me, couldn’t believe it.
How's things stand now?
Thats sounds like a horrific situation..hope we are not comparing scars in a few months....hope its better for you now?"
You’ll be grand, take your time and sign nothing.
I’m finally, the happiest I have been in a long long time. |
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I agree with most of the advice above. For me it was after 20 years and we went through the real anger while sharing the home, for financial reasons we shared the house for over 2 years. We are friends again by coming through it.
My advice, acknowledge you will grieve, for all the plans and hopes, for everything that is left behind. Do get counselling, it is a game changer. It doesn't have an overnight impact but it does help you learn about yourself.
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Best of luck in this op. This is not an easy road. As has been said here numerous times seek some counseling even if you feel there is no need, you will be surprised. Also last thing you want is to carry any unresolved issues with you into any future relationship cause it will take its toll.
Research a good family lawyer and be prepared for a rollercoaster. Things will change on a day to day with feelings and life situations. Reach out to friends they will become very important over this time. Best of luck |
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There isn't much I can add here , except there is no right way to cope ... you will cope your way and it will change up and down .. sometimes even in a single day , and thats ok . Sometimes our subconscious has its own methods of protecting us from pain . So if you feel like you not coping or handling things to easy or in shock etc. Don't give out to yourself .. don't be hard on yourself ... its not a linear journey.
Look after yourself |
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With regards pensions as mentioned above, I was lucky we had none but our mediator said pensions make it very very messy. As also mentioned above try not to get two solicitors doing the mediation and agreement for ye both, the only person who wins is the solicitor with huge fees, that advice I got from my own solicitor believe it or not.
It is a total rollercoaster, nearly three years later I still get feelings of guilt, it was me who left the marriage, I think about the hurt I caused everyone, I think about no longer having the security of the family home as now in rented accommodation, but ironically im happier now with my new partner than I ever was. My ex and myself are civil to each other, I wouldn’t say friends but we keep it civil, we Co-parent, I repair bits in the house for her. Her family turned very shitty towards me, bad mouthed me, physically threatened me, but I haven’t lost many friends and those I did loose, I don’t miss. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No such thing as a soft landing in this type of situation hurt will be felt on both sides even if amicable. Just don't let the legal aspects turn it sour good luck with everything |
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