FabSwingers.com > Forums > Ireland > Married/ Attached
Married/ Attached
Jump to: Newest in thread
Never created a thread before. Might get some flak.
So this is for the Married or attached folks on here. Men or women.
So why are you here?
Some might say, it's pretty obvious. The sex.
But why? Surely there's sex at home. Maybe there's not.
Maybe, (as my profile days) it's too vanilla.)
Why stay then? Is it just too easy?
Is it not worth the hassle?
For me it's finding friends that are of the same mindset.
I had a very, no excellent relationship with someone outside of my marriage. I experienced things and fun like I never experienced before. Found my true inner self.
Alas no more now. Didnt or couldn't make that step.
So back to the mundane 2.4 vanilla life now
So again to the married or attached.
Why are you here. Why stay married.
Some might say.
Mind your own business. Fakir enough. Just wanted a discussion |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I'm here, as you said, for the fun, sex and a bit of craic along the way.
In my case both my wife and myself play separately but very happily married and plan to stay that way.
She is bi so mainly plays with other women and if I'm being very honest she gets really turned on by me sleeping with other women!!
A bit weird, but works for us  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I'm engaged to be married, and someone asked me that question yesterday actually. So I'll copy and paste my answer below:
I'm a diagnosed Sex- & Love-addict, and the answer feels complex to me. I get a thrill out of the chase, and the secrecy. I wouldn't be able to get this same thrill without being in a relationship, and that's part of what officially makes it an addiction. It goes completely against my own values. I despise cheaters. My mum caught my dad cheating when I was 8, and I witnessed how it affected her. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know it's not healthy. And while it might not seem like it, I really do love herself. She's understanding, kind, same humour as me, loves the same music. She's amazing in bed. She's everything I ever wanted.
But my addiction makes it impossible for me to have a healthy relationship with anyone, and I need that closeness she provides. But there isn't a partner in this world who can voluntarily give me what I crave. I crave the secrecy. I crave the taboo.
If I had the permission to play, then my cravings would still go unfulfilled.
I have gone to therapy, and that helped to keep the cravings in check because it made me accountable as long as I was honest during the sessions, but the cravings were still lurking under the surface. That's why an alcoholic can't be near drink. The craving will always be there. Sex is in any animals nature, so it's not something I can avoid. It's part of our primal lizard-brain to reproduce.
Yes, I'm fucked up, and I know it. But I'm trying to live life the best I can without hurting anyone. That's why I need the absolute secrecy and discretion.
And to any lady who might feel like I'm just gonna use them and move on to feed my addiction: I also crave the personal connection with whoever I play with. I don't gain any pleasure from blind sex. I need to know that we can relate on a personal level, and THAT in my view definitely does not make the potential lover a fluffer.
If I wanted just a quick fix of just sex, it'd be easier and safer to pay someone. Guaranteed to be no feelings, no judgement, guaranteed discretion, and they'd always accommodate. But yeah... Not my thing. Wouldn't be able to build a genuine connection with the person. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm engaged to be married, and someone asked me that question yesterday actually. So I'll copy and paste my answer below:
I'm a diagnosed Sex- & Love-addict, and the answer feels complex to me. I get a thrill out of the chase, and the secrecy. I wouldn't be able to get this same thrill without being in a relationship, and that's part of what officially makes it an addiction. It goes completely against my own values. I despise cheaters. My mum caught my dad cheating when I was 8, and I witnessed how it affected her. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know it's not healthy. And while it might not seem like it, I really do love herself. She's understanding, kind, same humour as me, loves the same music. She's amazing in bed. She's everything I ever wanted.
But my addiction makes it impossible for me to have a healthy relationship with anyone, and I need that closeness she provides. But there isn't a partner in this world who can voluntarily give me what I crave. I crave the secrecy. I crave the taboo.
If I had the permission to play, then my cravings would still go unfulfilled.
I have gone to therapy, and that helped to keep the cravings in check because it made me accountable as long as I was honest during the sessions, but the cravings were still lurking under the surface. That's why an alcoholic can't be near drink. The craving will always be there. Sex is in any animals nature, so it's not something I can avoid. It's part of our primal lizard-brain to reproduce.
Yes, I'm fucked up, and I know it. But I'm trying to live life the best I can without hurting anyone. That's why I need the absolute secrecy and discretion.
And to any lady who might feel like I'm just gonna use them and move on to feed my addiction: I also crave the personal connection with whoever I play with. I don't gain any pleasure from blind sex. I need to know that we can relate on a personal level, and THAT in my view definitely does not make the potential lover a fluffer.
If I wanted just a quick fix of just sex, it'd be easier and safer to pay someone. Guaranteed to be no feelings, no judgement, guaranteed discretion, and they'd always accommodate. But yeah... Not my thing. Wouldn't be able to build a genuine connection with the person."
..wow oh wow.
What a genuine response.
Never before had an intrest to read such a long pist. So kudos to you.
Made me reflect even more.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"wow oh wow.
What a genuine response.
Never before had an intrest to read such a long pist. So kudos to you.
Made me reflect even more."
I feel that to know your own weakness is one of the greatest strengths one can have.
Also... I always aim to be as honest as I can, when I can. Unfortunately, that comes in conflict with my addiction-issues.
I suppose being honest about it here on the forum helps alleviate that, and hopefully it can help others in similar situation as me to not feel alone about it, whether they're diagnosed or undiagnosed addicts.
I know that I'm not alone, cause otherwise there wouldn't be therapists out there who specialises in this kind of addiction, and there wouldn't be any group-therapy set up for it. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
 |
By *om TangoMan
over a year ago
aughnacloy monaghan area |
Don’t know why I’m here to be honest. It’s easier to head to town and pull a bird. My wife losted all interest in sex years ago due to an illness and health reasons due to the woman’s reproductive parts.and im fairy sure most of the married men on here is the same. Well any I’ve chatted to experience the same as me. She told me to fuck whatever I want as long as I don’t bring it home. Why don’t I leave her?? Well I love her, I love my kids, why upset them all by walking away from the family home. Myself and her were on here as a couple years ago and really did enjoy meeting other couples. I head out every other weekend and pull the odd bird here and there. Wife never asks where i’m going or where I was. Never asks who i’m going out with nor if I met anyone I know when I was out. I went away for a few days to Donegal a few weeks ago and the only question I was ask was “did u miss us”. We get on very well, don’t fight, do things for each other. We don’t sleep together and I wake her week mornings with her cup of tea. Now go ahead. Judge me for it. Because honestly I don’t care, I’m having no luck on here anyway. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Don’t know why I’m here to be honest. It’s easier to head to town and pull a bird. My wife losted all interest in sex years ago due to an illness and health reasons due to the woman’s reproductive parts.and im fairy sure most of the married men on here is the same. Well any I’ve chatted to experience the same as me. She told me to fuck whatever I want as long as I don’t bring it home. Why don’t I leave her?? Well I love her, I love my kids, why upset them all by walking away from the family home. Myself and her were on here as a couple years ago and really did enjoy meeting other couples. I head out every other weekend and pull the odd bird here and there. Wife never asks where i’m going or where I was. Never asks who i’m going out with nor if I met anyone I know when I was out. I went away for a few days to Donegal a few weeks ago and the only question I was ask was “did u miss us”. We get on very well, don’t fight, do things for each other. We don’t sleep together and I wake her week mornings with her cup of tea. Now go ahead. Judge me for it. Because honestly I don’t care, I’m having no luck on here anyway. "
I think this is acceptable.
Fair play to other half. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"wow oh wow.
What a genuine response.
Never before had an intrest to read such a long pist. So kudos to you.
Made me reflect even more.
I feel that to know your own weakness is one of the greatest strengths one can have.
Also... I always aim to be as honest as I can, when I can. Unfortunately, that comes in conflict with my addiction-issues.
I suppose being honest about it here on the forum helps alleviate that, and hopefully it can help others in similar situation as me to not feel alone about it, whether they're diagnosed or undiagnosed addicts.
I know that I'm not alone, cause otherwise there wouldn't be therapists out there who specialises in this kind of addiction, and there wouldn't be any group-therapy set up for it."
Can't DM.
But appreciate your views and actually your condition.
In a way I feel them same.
Only opposite.
I have found my one true sole mate. The one that brings out mu true inner self.
But now not gunna happen.
So finding it hard to return to normal vanilla.
Coz ...... I've no interest in that.
Rather have a wank. Tbh and blunt |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Can't DM.
But appreciate your views and actually your condition.
In a way I feel them same.
Only opposite.
I have found my one true sole mate. The one that brings out mu true inner self.
But now not gunna happen.
So finding it hard to return to normal vanilla.
Coz ...... I've no interest in that.
Rather have a wank. Tbh and blunt"
I've DM'd you there now so you can DM back. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *om TangoMan
over a year ago
aughnacloy monaghan area |
And for those that ask why not involve her
I’ve been with my wife over 20 years. I guess in my mind, if I was going to have sex with another woman , I wasn’t really planning on bring the wife along. Does that make me a bad person? Like when u buy a new car, do u tow the old car behind you? So it can watch u driving the new one. No u don’t. Also I know my wife,she’d be very supportive,at an orgy, it would annoy me.she be like “just relax, I believe in you, your going to do great” and I’d be like “please shout up, you’ve got to stop”.. she’d be apologising for me. She’d be “ I’m so sorry, it’s normally much better. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, he tried. He’s a good dad though he really is, also. It’s cold in here”.. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I would like to say thank you so much to all that have posted here.
I've toyed with the idea for several days will I, won't I.
It's nice to see the thread has not decended into something that's abusive and non unferstanding |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
But in all seriousness i don't have an issue with calling a cheater a cheater (oopsie). I don't really understand why someone admitting cheating on their partner has an issue with the word. It is what it is. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I’m not gonna lie I was waiting for this thread to explode
It didn’t
My conclusion
A lot of cheaters on fab "
Me too. But I think it was the honesty of the protagonist that swayed the baying mob into silence
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *XlalaXXWoman
over a year ago
tipperary |
"I’m not gonna lie I was waiting for this thread to explode
It didn’t
My conclusion
A lot of cheaters on fab
Me too. But I think it was the honesty of the protagonist that swayed the baying mob into silence
"
Each to their own I guess
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I’m not gonna lie I was waiting for this thread to explode
It didn’t
My conclusion
A lot of cheaters on fab
Me too. But I think it was the honesty of the protagonist that swayed the baying mob into silence
"
100 percent. The articulate explanation and self awareness was disarming. Its still shitty and he knows it, but that's the nature of addiction I guess. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"It's a very fine line between ENM and NENM imho.
There is a massive fucking difference between the two
I dunno what either are lok"
Ethical non-monogamy Vs non ethical. IE - one where you're honest and open with your partner and one where yore betraying them. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I've been on and off fab for years seen the jealousy, married, single, threads who gives a fuck I've seen people who won't meet married or attached people and I've heard they had met them, who cares we are all adults .. grow up ffs |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I've seen people who won't meet married or attached people and I've heard they had met them"
We've met cheaters in the past but only discovered afterwards because they lied to us. Maybe that's the main reason why it happens?
Fair play OP for at least being open in your profile. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I've seen people who won't meet married or attached people and I've heard they had met them
We've met cheaters in the past but only discovered afterwards because they lied to us. Maybe that's the main reason why it happens?
Fair play OP for at least being open in your profile."
Yes I agree good on you OP, what about people with more than one profile here, why would need another profile apart from a been ina couples one |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Fair play OP, a very good thread. Everyone‘s circumstances are different and people have their own reasons for being on fab. Whatever their reasons are I respect them and I don’t pass judgement. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *XlalaXXWoman
over a year ago
tipperary |
No judgement here
Life’s too short do whatever makes u happy
What I will say is if ur in an unhappy marriage/relationship and if it can’t be fixed get out and start living
Everybody deserves to be happy  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"No judgement here
Life’s too short do whatever makes u happy
What I will say is if ur in an unhappy marriage/relationship and if it can’t be fixed get out and start living
Everybody deserves to be happy "
Especially partners who get cheated on deserve a chance of having a life of their own or with another partner who won't cheat on them |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *asual777Man
over a year ago
i travel all over |
Many people stay because divorce and separation can be very traumatic , prolonged and expensive . I have very good friends and relatives going through painful divorces and it’s beyond awful .
Some people stay because the kids need them both , and not separately . Some stay for financial reasons , or because they share friends and are afraid of loneliness .
I think each situation is different . Who are we to know what people we hardly know should do about a very important aspect of their life ? If i don’t like what someone does i can just avoid them I suppose .
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *astelloWoman
over a year ago
Far far away |
Thanks OP for opening up a wide and varied discussion. There are many reasons why people are here, some of ths rationale is simple or complex.
You can only be the judge of yourself and your own actions.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm engaged to be married, and someone asked me that question yesterday actually. So I'll copy and paste my answer below:
I'm a diagnosed Sex- & Love-addict, and the answer feels complex to me. I get a thrill out of the chase, and the secrecy. I wouldn't be able to get this same thrill without being in a relationship, and that's part of what officially makes it an addiction. It goes completely against my own values. I despise cheaters. My mum caught my dad cheating when I was 8, and I witnessed how it affected her. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know it's not healthy. And while it might not seem like it, I really do love herself. She's understanding, kind, same humour as me, loves the same music. She's amazing in bed. She's everything I ever wanted.
But my addiction makes it impossible for me to have a healthy relationship with anyone, and I need that closeness she provides. But there isn't a partner in this world who can voluntarily give me what I crave. I crave the secrecy. I crave the taboo.
If I had the permission to play, then my cravings would still go unfulfilled.
I have gone to therapy, and that helped to keep the cravings in check because it made me accountable as long as I was honest during the sessions, but the cravings were still lurking under the surface. That's why an alcoholic can't be near drink. The craving will always be there. Sex is in any animals nature, so it's not something I can avoid. It's part of our primal lizard-brain to reproduce.
Yes, I'm fucked up, and I know it. But I'm trying to live life the best I can without hurting anyone. That's why I need the absolute secrecy and discretion.
And to any lady who might feel like I'm just gonna use them and move on to feed my addiction: I also crave the personal connection with whoever I play with. I don't gain any pleasure from blind sex. I need to know that we can relate on a personal level, and THAT in my view definitely does not make the potential lover a fluffer.
If I wanted just a quick fix of just sex, it'd be easier and safer to pay someone. Guaranteed to be no feelings, no judgement, guaranteed discretion, and they'd always accommodate. But yeah... Not my thing. Wouldn't be able to build a genuine connection with the person."
Addiction to anything is rough so you have my sympathies..two small questions so I can understand a little better..does your future wife have any idea that she is marrying someone with an addiction that could possibly cause major problems/hurt down the road for her and also are you actively working on your addiction in order to hopefully quell it..Pm if you like.. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Addiction to anything is rough so you have my sympathies..two small questions so I can understand a little better..does your future wife have any idea that she is marrying someone with an addiction that could possibly cause major problems/hurt down the road for her and also are you actively working on your addiction in order to hopefully quell it..Pm if you like.. "
Thank you for those words. Yes, she is aware. She was the reason I chose to seek therapy in the first place as we had an episode that made me reflect on my past behaviour from before I met her, and it made me realise I have an issue. I did not know what my issue was, and I certainly didn't think of it as an addiction at the time. I thought of a sex-addict exclusively as someone with an insatiable lust for sex, but I learned through therapy that sex is a very small part of it.
It was with that therapist that I was diagnosed with Sex- & Love-addiction.
And yes, I am currently trying to look for another therapist who are specialising in Sex- & Love-addiction, as I can't return to my old therapist. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"100 percent. The articulate explanation and self awareness was disarming. Its still shitty and he knows it, but that's the nature of addiction I guess."
I would like to thank you for your contributions in this thread. And I do not mean that in a sarcastic way. I genuinely mean it. I have no issues with being called a cheater, because what I am doing is the definition infidelity, aka cheating.
I actually respect you, and we have spoken before on a few occasions in person when I was actually single, before I realised I had issues. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Addiction to anything is rough so you have my sympathies..two small questions so I can understand a little better..does your future wife have any idea that she is marrying someone with an addiction that could possibly cause major problems/hurt down the road for her and also are you actively working on your addiction in order to hopefully quell it..Pm if you like..
Thank you for those words. Yes, she is aware. She was the reason I chose to seek therapy in the first place as we had an episode that made me reflect on my past behaviour from before I met her, and it made me realise I have an issue. I did not know what my issue was, and I certainly didn't think of it as an addiction at the time. I thought of a sex-addict exclusively as someone with an insatiable lust for sex, but I learned through therapy that sex is a very small part of it.
It was with that therapist that I was diagnosed with Sex- & Love-addiction.
And yes, I am currently trying to look for another therapist who are specialising in Sex- & Love-addiction, as I can't return to my old therapist."
Thank you..really hope all goes well for you both.. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Thanks OP for opening up a wide and varied discussion. There are many reasons why people are here, some of ths rationale is simple or complex.
You can only be the judge of yourself and your own actions.
"
I agree , we are all here for one reason or another and not to be judged by anyone but ourselves. Great topic Op |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ergalMan
over a year ago
East Cork |
I usually stay clear of the married threads, as they usually have the cheater gestapo on, and being told you not a swinger, just a cheating cu#t etc
We all have our reasons, and I'm not going to try and lay mine out here.
I have my status on my profile from day 1, so not hiding it
OP, good post,and some great discussions, points raised. Best of luck |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *XlalaXXWoman
over a year ago
tipperary |
"I usually stay clear of the married threads, as they usually have the cheater gestapo on, and being told you not a swinger, just a cheating cu#t etc
We all have our reasons, and I'm not going to try and lay mine out here.
I have my status on my profile from day 1, so not hiding it
OP, good post,and some great discussions, points raised. Best of luck"
Ur not hiding it from anyone on here ? Just hiding it from ur mrs/mr that ur having sex with other people ?
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ergalMan
over a year ago
East Cork |
"I usually stay clear of the married threads, as they usually have the cheater gestapo on, and being told you not a swinger, just a cheating cu#t etc
We all have our reasons, and I'm not going to try and lay mine out here.
I have my status on my profile from day 1, so not hiding it
OP, good post,and some great discussions, points raised. Best of luck
Ur not hiding it from anyone on here ? Just hiding it from ur mrs/mr that ur having sex with other people ?
"
Yes and yes, you read correctly!
As I said above, we all have our reasons,(for being here) and I'm not going to try and lay mine out here or justify myself to you or anyone else.
My profile displays my status, giving people the option to interact with me or not, block or say hi etc
Would genuinely be interested to see how many of the single m/f's attending flame etc are actually single.
I also know of fabbers who are against attached people being on here, going on their profile and status updates, but yet,they have also met attached people here, where the people they met have their married status displayed
Anyway, coffee time, have a great week folks |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Many people stay because divorce and separation can be very traumatic , prolonged and expensive . I have very good friends and relatives going through painful divorces and it’s beyond awful .
Some people stay because the kids need them both , and not separately . Some stay for financial reasons , or because they share friends and are afraid of loneliness .
I think each situation is different . Who are we to know what people we hardly know should do about a very important aspect of their life ? If i don’t like what someone does i can just avoid them I suppose .
"
I usually avoid these threads but I totally agree Cas. Life is fucking complicated.
I also think a lot of the time in these threads, the person being cheated on is ascribed an almost saintly status. Sometimes this is not the case. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Many people stay because divorce and separation can be very traumatic , prolonged and expensive . I have very good friends and relatives going through painful divorces and it’s beyond awful .
Some people stay because the kids need them both , and not separately . Some stay for financial reasons , or because they share friends and are afraid of loneliness .
I think each situation is different . Who are we to know what people we hardly know should do about a very important aspect of their life ? If i don’t like what someone does i can just avoid them I suppose .
I usually avoid these threads but I totally agree Cas. Life is fucking complicated.
I also think a lot of the time in these threads, the person being cheated on is ascribed an almost saintly status. Sometimes this is not the case. "
I'm definitely no saint, but I don't want to be classified as one either |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"100 percent. The articulate explanation and self awareness was disarming. Its still shitty and he knows it, but that's the nature of addiction I guess.
I would like to thank you for your contributions in this thread. And I do not mean that in a sarcastic way. I genuinely mean it. I have no issues with being called a cheater, because what I am doing is the definition infidelity, aka cheating.
I actually respect you, and we have spoken before on a few occasions in person when I was actually single, before I realised I had issues."
Sorry I've a terrible memory. If you ever fancy a pint and a chat tho hit me up!
Are there groups for sex addiction like there is for AA? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Sorry I've a terrible memory. If you ever fancy a pint and a chat tho hit me up!
Are there groups for sex addiction like there is for AA?"
I was known by a different profile-name back then. I'll PM you to see if that'll jog your memory.
And yeah. There was one that I attended up until the lockdown happened. Don't know if it's back up and running. I can't get back in touch with the therapist who referred me, for reasons I don't wish to divulge publicly on the forum. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I am married myself and she doesn't know about my activity on here. Why I am here to find that one more open woman to have more kinky fun then I can have at home. my wife simply doesn't like sex as much as I do  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
One thing I notice from threads like this is the number of women who go off sex quite quickly having been relatively active!... The issue I have is how normalised it has become!
There really needs to be more done for women on this. Both medical and mental health. It must be horrible!
Men probably need educating also, but so much of the information available would remind you of the religion teachers sex education class in the '90s! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *XlalaXXWoman
over a year ago
tipperary |
"I usually stay clear of the married threads, as they usually have the cheater gestapo on, and being told you not a swinger, just a cheating cu#t etc
We all have our reasons, and I'm not going to try and lay mine out here.
I have my status on my profile from day 1, so not hiding it
OP, good post,and some great discussions, points raised. Best of luck
Ur not hiding it from anyone on here ? Just hiding it from ur mrs/mr that ur having sex with other people ?
Yes and yes, you read correctly!
As I said above, we all have our reasons,(for being here) and I'm not going to try and lay mine out here or justify myself to you or anyone else.
My profile displays my status, giving people the option to interact with me or not, block or say hi etc
Would genuinely be interested to see how many of the single m/f's attending flame etc are actually single.
I also know of fabbers who are against attached people being on here, going on their profile and status updates, but yet,they have also met attached people here, where the people they met have their married status displayed
Anyway, coffee time, have a great week folks "
I’m not against anyone being on here . We all make choices in life.
Until u have walked in someone’s shoes u are in no position to judge .
As regards flame it’s a non-judgemental environment maybe u should come sometime and meet some like minded people instead of throwing shade at me for trying to provide a safe non judgemental environment for people to have a good time .
My own personal thoughts and experience on this have zero bearing on how I operate flame.
Enjoy your coffee
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I've said this before and so I'll say it again here.
It's true we can't judge people's reasons for doing what they do. We don't know their stories.
I know women who prefer married men and I understand their reasoning. I know people who cheat and believe it makes their marriage stronger.
Whatever the reasons, they only stand up until the truth comes out and then a soul, a home and maybe a family is destroyed.
Personally I don't believe that you can keep your heart open and share love if have to keep a lie in there as well. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
There is some interesting research going into how some the female contraceptive pills changes what a woman finds attractive when she's on it and how this reverts when she goes back off it. This is a terrible generalisation of a very complex theory but maybe someone else has further information to share on the topic. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Thanks OP for opening up a wide and varied discussion. There are many reasons why people are here, some of ths rationale is simple or complex.
You can only be the judge of yourself and your own actions.
"
This |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"There is some interesting research going into how some the female contraceptive pills changes what a woman finds attractive when she's on it and how this reverts when she goes back off it. This is a terrible generalisation of a very complex theory but maybe someone else has further information to share on the topic."
Ive heard of that. Theyre saying it interacts differently with pheremones when a person is on it compared to off it i think. Himself actually showed it to me a few weeks back. I dont know if its all form of contraception or particular ones it didnt say in the article i read |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Sorry I've a terrible memory. If you ever fancy a pint and a chat tho hit me up!
Are there groups for sex addiction like there is for AA?
I was known by a different profile-name back then. I'll PM you to see if that'll jog your memory.
And yeah. There was one that I attended up until the lockdown happened. Don't know if it's back up and running. I can't get back in touch with the therapist who referred me, for reasons I don't wish to divulge publicly on the forum."
Ahh yes I remember you well now. We had a couple of fun nights a couple of years ago alright! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ergalMan
over a year ago
East Cork |
"I usually stay clear of the married threads, as they usually have the cheater gestapo on, and being told you not a swinger, just a cheating cu#t etc
We all have our reasons, and I'm not going to try and lay mine out here.
I have my status on my profile from day 1, so not hiding it
OP, good post,and some great discussions, points raised. Best of luck
Ur not hiding it from anyone on here ? Just hiding it from ur mrs/mr that ur having sex with other people ?
Yes and yes, you read correctly!
As I said above, we all have our reasons,(for being here) and I'm not going to try and lay mine out here or justify myself to you or anyone else.
My profile displays my status, giving people the option to interact with me or not, block or say hi etc
Would genuinely be interested to see how many of the single m/f's attending flame etc are actually single.
I also know of fabbers who are against attached people being on here, going on their profile and status updates, but yet,they have also met attached people here, where the people they met have their married status displayed
Anyway, coffee time, have a great week folks
I’m not against anyone being on here . We all make choices in life.
Until u have walked in someone’s shoes u are in no position to judge .
As regards flame it’s a non-judgemental environment maybe u should come sometime and meet some like minded people instead of throwing shade at me for trying to provide a safe non judgemental environment for people to have a good time .
My own personal thoughts and experience on this have zero bearing on how I operate flame.
Enjoy your coffee
"
I wasn't throwing any shade what so ever. I was purely asking a genuine question!! So apologies if you thought I was.
I'm delighted that flame is there, and kudos to you for the time and effort in arranging it, as it ain't easy by any means
I'm hoping to attend in the future, and previously attended rvc
Coffee was nice, but Monday mornings require several |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
married get little to no sex or even touched or allowed to touch at home. rather someone else pull me off rather than myself lol. still love the other half to bits just we all have needs.
married women in here in the same boat so works both ways |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
This one is for the ladies out there reading this thread, but not comfortable with replying:
Know that you're not alone if you think you might have a Sex- & Love-addiction. It's not just men who has it. There are loads of women that has it too, and there are AA-style therapy-groups for women in Cork. (or at least there used to be before lockdown)
I'm wrighting this because I have had ladies PM'ing me about this after they have read this thread.
Like any addiction, it doesn't discriminate on age, nor gender. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I've been on and off fab for years seen the jealousy, married, single, threads who gives a fuck I've seen people who won't meet married or attached people and I've heard they had met them, who cares we are all adults .. grow up ffs "
Couldn't agree more. Kudos to the OP for a post which is original and thought provoking. Same to the contributors to the discussion for engaging and respectful to each other. I tend to read more than post these days because of the bullying I have seen and the same old bullshit posts. This is a good one. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ind PaddyMan
over a year ago
South County Dublin |
I'm on here as my wife has MS. It is a very stressful and frustrating illness. I do love my wife and miss her old self.
I've not cheated on her yet, as I've not been with anyone on here. I think I'm more interested in friendship.
I've been very despondent lately. I had an invite to a social recently and had not got the energy to go to it.
We did a lot of things together, but restricted now as my wife stuggles to walk.
I had a panic attack during the night. It was very sore, I'm OK now, but tired.
Each to their own. Fair play to you op for posting. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Thanks OP for opening up a wide and varied discussion. There are many reasons why people are here, some of ths rationale is simple or complex.
You can only be the judge of yourself and your own actions.
"
I agree, we all have different reasons why we are here, both married men & married women. Whatever the reason once it’s on your profile that you’re married then it’s up to those who wish to meet to meet and those who don’t, don’t meet. Judgers will always be judgers.
Just live and let live and have fun  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think as long as all of you who are on here cheating are ok with your partners cheating on you too then its ok "
Maybe our partners are cheating too!!!??
But maybe the initial question is why are people cheating???
Until your in the cheaters boots or heels it's a bit unfair to cast the first stone!!!  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *panishRebelMan
over a year ago
Alicante Spain, and Cork City Ireland |
One of the best seriously interesting threads I have read on fab. As a genuinely single man although divorced, I can still relate with much of the reaction. Personally I like the openness on fab, the straight out in the open, list or statement of things people do or don't like. Being honest with oneself is hard, and by default hard with other's. I mean the deep and fearless honesty, which is not just limited to words said, but a willingness to listen, understand, learn, and then make ones mind up a out things, without judgement or fear of or to others.
Fab seems like a step in that direction to me. So I love it. Nothing is perfect.
But this post is making me think about my true motifs. Maybe there is a spectrum of addiction. Maybe we are all a little bit or a lot, somewhere on the same sex spectrum.
Anyway, cheers for the post. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"married get little to no sex or even touched or allowed to touch at home. rather someone else pull me off rather than myself lol. still love the other half to bits just we all have needs.
married women in here in the same boat so works both ways"
And I thought I was the only guy in this boat. It definitely sums up my position. Still love her to bits, but a guy has needs too, suppressed for long periods, but love the female contact... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Frankly, this post is the forum at its best: different opinions on a very complicated topic. I want to thank you all for sharing. Sex can seem so simple but it is complicated and goes to the heart of how we can see overselves. Are we attractive? Does someone want to fuck us? And why not fuck where we can get it? I am not going to come here and say cheating is wrong or right but I am going to say that I understand that most of us are trying to do the best we can in often difficult circumstances in our one short lives. Thanks again please keep the views coming. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *egsyWoman
over a year ago
Meath |
"I think as long as all of you who are on here cheating are ok with your partners cheating on you too then its ok
Maybe our partners are cheating too!!!??
But maybe the initial question is why are people cheating???
Until your in the cheaters boots or heels it's a bit unfair to cast the first stone!!! "
As the saying goes "while you are busy looking at another women, theres another man busy looking at yours". |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
What an astonishing turn around.
Quite a change from just a few weeks ago when I and others in similar situations were pilloried for being attached and playing without our partners knowledge...........
i.e. cheating.
If labelling something with an acronym is all that seems to be required to make it acceptable then I am very happy to have my situation described as NENM.
My profile clearly indicates my situation. I fully accept the right of those who may find my lifestyle choice distasteful not to engage with me on here but I am lucky that there are far more people on here who are willing to accept my situation than those that will judge me negatively for it.
To thine own self be true.
Happy Fabbing.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I am positively surprised this hasn't become an all-out flame-war.
What I find particularly important about this thread is to spread awareness that Sex- & Love-addiction exists, and that it is very difficult to control just like any other addiction. The vast majority of addictions has their roots in untreated trauma, so it is also a mental health issue.
I would also like to stress again that this addiction is NOT exclusive to men. There are plenty of women out there with Sex- & Love-addiction.
If anyone, any age or gender, is reading this and don't feel comfortable with asking questions here on the forum, pop me a DM.
I'm absolutely not a qualified health-professional or therapist/counsellor in any capacity, but I can maybe point you in the right direction where you may find help to live a healthier life for yourself and your partner.
I'm a cheater myself (no problem calling myself that), and there won't be any judgment from my side whatever your reason is for your infidelity. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
We don't meet attached without their partners blessing but we don't judge either, both are possible. The main reason not to meet is not wanting to get involved and possibly embroiled in drama as we've all heard the horror stories.
It's only fair to state that you are attached on your profile. There's nothing more annoying than having to ask 20 questions before you get an answer (even though it's already stated on our profile that we don't meet cheaters).
Single guys should also state in their profile that they are single or people will assume otherwise (well we do anyway). Mrs. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"We don't meet attached without their partners blessing but we don't judge either, both are possible. The main reason not to meet is not wanting to get involved and possibly embroiled in drama as we've all heard the horror stories.
It's only fair to state that you are attached on your profile. There's nothing more annoying than having to ask 20 questions before you get an answer (even though it's already stated on our profile that we don't meet cheaters).
Single guys should also state in their profile that they are single or people will assume otherwise (well we do anyway). Mrs."
Exactly our thoughts on the matter. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Single is the first word in my bio for precisely this reason.
After reading elsewhere that many consider 'can't accommodate' as a red flag also I've occasionally wondered if shouldn't clarify the reason.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Single is the first word in my bio for precisely this reason.
After reading elsewhere that many consider 'can't accommodate' as a red flag also I've occasionally wondered if shouldn't clarify the reason.
"
A few years ago it would have been a red flag for us but over the years it's changed due to the housing crisis etc. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Single is the first word in my bio for precisely this reason.
After reading elsewhere that many consider 'can't accommodate' as a red flag also I've occasionally wondered if shouldn't clarify the reason.
A few years ago it would have been a red flag for us but over the years it's changed due to the housing crisis etc. "
Yeah, we don't consider it a red flag either. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"We don't meet attached without their partners blessing but we don't judge either, both are possible. The main reason not to meet is not wanting to get involved and possibly embroiled in drama as we've all heard the horror stories.
It's only fair to state that you are attached on your profile. There's nothing more annoying than having to ask 20 questions before you get an answer (even though it's already stated on our profile that we don't meet cheaters).
Single guys should also state in their profile that they are single or people will assume otherwise (well we do anyway). Mrs."
This! We will block men who find out are cheating, but don't state it on their profile. It's impossible to keep track of otherwise. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *etergemmaCouple
over a year ago
South Dublin Area |
"I am positively surprised this hasn't become an all-out flame-war.
What I find particularly important about this thread is to spread awareness that Sex- & Love-addiction exists, and that it is very difficult to control just like any other addiction. The vast majority of addictions has their roots in untreated trauma, so it is also a mental health issue.
I would also like to stress again that this addiction is NOT exclusive to men. There are plenty of women out there with Sex- & Love-addiction.
If anyone, any age or gender, is reading this and don't feel comfortable with asking questions here on the forum, pop me a DM.
I'm absolutely not a qualified health-professional or therapist/counsellor in any capacity, but I can maybe point you in the right direction where you may find help to live a healthier life for yourself and your partner.
I'm a cheater myself (no problem calling myself that), and there won't be any judgment from my side whatever your reason is for your infidelity."
The reason it hasnt become an all out flame war as you put it, is at this stage i think cheaters on here know what most people think of them.
And most people are sick of this discussion. So keep swimming in your cheater pool and the rest of us will probably do our thing |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Don’t even know why this is a discussion sure it’s no one’s business n the critics need to go take a good look at their perfect selfs my god they’d make you vomit. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"
The reason it hasnt become an all out flame war as you put it, is at this stage i think cheaters on here know what most people think of them.
And most people are sick of this discussion. So keep swimming in your cheater pool and the rest of us will probably do our thing "
That wouldn't be my read of it.
I do think there are some salient perspectives missing from this discussion though.
What happens when it all goes tits up?
Many, exclusively men so far I think, have, anonymously, given honest explanations for their actions and have been credited with that and judgement withheld by some. I feel like there's an easy pass here and this may not translate to real life.
I also feel like hearing from those who have had to suffer the betrayal and humiliation of infidelity would add a very relevant and sobering dimension to the stories being told here. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Single is the first word in my bio for precisely this reason.
After reading elsewhere that many consider 'can't accommodate' as a red flag also I've occasionally wondered if shouldn't clarify the reason.
"
I think most people understand that house-shares, single parenting, living with other family are pretty common nowadays. After a while here you get an overall feel from patterns of online behaviour, use of certain words and so on, that a person is hiding something - it may not necessarily be an unwitting partner, but we're going to steer clear anyway. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Having had a 20-year relationship collapse due to behind-the-back cheating, I can say from experience that it was worse than a death. It destroyed so much of multiple people's lives for a very long time.
I'm not judging - as many have said, every situation has its own complexities. But objectively/empirically, the destroyed lives I experienced and observed was not remotely worth the cheat-sex, no matter how thrilling it might have been.
If we're conceding that sex/cheating/masturbating/porn is an addiction for some, then we have to concede that just as it's hard for an alcoholic to manage themselves against the temptation to drink, it must also be hard for the sex(et al)-addict to manage that temptation.
What IS someone to do when their long-term life-partner goes off sex? Three options - 1. Accept a sexless remainder of their life, 2. Cheat ("NENM" - for me the label doesn't make it OK, not judging), 3. Have a discussion and make an agreement/arrangement (CNM/ENM).
It can't be easy for either party in that scenario - why should the partner who doesn't want to have sex have to have sex (and who would want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex?). Why should the partner who's sex-drive is still present and strong have to go without sex?
If we think of sex as a fundamental basic human need, then should we expect a horny person to go without sex?
For us, fab is part of an exploration for both of us in a new-for-each-of-us direction, and it's very exciting. We're trying to be honest and crystal clear with each other as we go (we've each been hurt & damaged by deceit in previous relationships) - we've done up a really thorough list of YES/NO/MAYBE for when we attend socials and events. Not the way everyone will approach this, no doubt but without boundaries, transparency, honesty & trust in this world/on this scene, it's probably fair to say that things could go very wrong for even the strongest couple. We're both discovering stuff about ourselves that's exciting, surprising and liberating.
Very much enjoying the journey. For us fab & the events is a mechanism to reinforce and develop the sexual aspect of an already-highly-sexed relationship.
Great thread. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"The thread also hasn't mentioned that some people cheat just because they are selfish, inconsiderate, and fancy a bit on the side"
Yep
There's a huge difference between this and someone trapped in an unhappy marriage/partnership (with whom we empathise). |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
How common is it for couples or single women to meet claimed "single" males at socials or events to discover that they're not in fact single?
How common is it to meet males on their own at socials/events who tell you they have a partner when they actually don't? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How common is it for couples or single women to meet claimed "single" males at socials or events to discover that they're not in fact single?
How common is it to meet males on their own at socials/events who tell you they have a partner when they actually don't?"
We wouldnt tarnish everyone with suspicion unless we've good reason to be suspicious. Life is too short to be going Columbo on everyone.
(Reference showing my age lol) |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How common is it for couples or single women to meet claimed "single" males at socials or events to discover that they're not in fact single?
How common is it to meet males on their own at socials/events who tell you they have a partner when they actually don't?
We wouldnt tarnish everyone with suspicion unless we've good reason to be suspicious. Life is too short to be going Columbo on everyone.
(Reference showing my age lol)"
__________
Curiosity rather than suspicion. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *etergemmaCouple
over a year ago
South Dublin Area |
"How common is it for couples or single women to meet claimed "single" males at socials or events to discover that they're not in fact single?
How common is it to meet males on their own at socials/events who tell you they have a partner when they actually don't?"
Last cheating single guy who came to a social bailed when he saw someone he knew at it, we didn't know at the time he was attached.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"The thread also hasn't mentioned that some people cheat just because they are selfish, inconsiderate, and fancy a bit on the side
Yep
There's a huge difference between this and someone trapped in an unhappy marriage/partnership (with whom we empathise)."
Yes. This is why I started the thread.
I feel in an unhappy relationship. Dunno what to do about it or I havnt the heart for a fight or to cause upset.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *og-ManMan
over a year ago
somewhere |
"How common is it for couples or single women to meet claimed "single" males at socials or events to discover that they're not in fact single?
How common is it to meet males on their own at socials/events who tell you they have a partner when they actually don't?
Last cheating single guy who came to a social bailed when he saw someone he knew at it, we didn't know at the time he was attached.
"
If you know someone is married and on fab do you allow them buy tickets |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *etergemmaCouple
over a year ago
South Dublin Area |
"How common is it for couples or single women to meet claimed "single" males at socials or events to discover that they're not in fact single?
How common is it to meet males on their own at socials/events who tell you they have a partner when they actually don't?
Last cheating single guy who came to a social bailed when he saw someone he knew at it, we didn't know at the time he was attached.
If you know someone is married and on fab do you allow them buy tickets "
It hasn't happened yet, so I really dont know but I guess like anything you put it to the quorum. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *asual777Man
over a year ago
i travel all over |
"
The reason it hasnt become an all out flame war as you put it, is at this stage i think cheaters on here know what most people think of them.
And most people are sick of this discussion. So keep swimming in your cheater pool and the rest of us will probably do our thing
That wouldn't be my read of it.
I do think there are some salient perspectives missing from this discussion though.
What happens when it all goes tits up?
Many, exclusively men so far I think, have, anonymously, given honest explanations for their actions and have been credited with that and judgement withheld by some. I feel like there's an easy pass here and this may not translate to real life.
I also feel like hearing from those who have had to suffer the betrayal and humiliation of infidelity would add a very relevant and sobering dimension to the stories being told here."
I think for those married and in sexless or borderline sexless marriages it has ALREADY gone Tits up. There are a number of terrible options on the table
Stay and die slowly
Cheat and hope the situation improves then you don’t have to anymore
Divorce and fuck everything up
So cheat get found out and fuck everything up is just a slightly worse combined version of the above |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *etergemmaCouple
over a year ago
South Dublin Area |
"
The reason it hasnt become an all out flame war as you put it, is at this stage i think cheaters on here know what most people think of them.
And most people are sick of this discussion. So keep swimming in your cheater pool and the rest of us will probably do our thing
That wouldn't be my read of it.
I do think there are some salient perspectives missing from this discussion though.
What happens when it all goes tits up?
Many, exclusively men so far I think, have, anonymously, given honest explanations for their actions and have been credited with that and judgement withheld by some. I feel like there's an easy pass here and this may not translate to real life.
I also feel like hearing from those who have had to suffer the betrayal and humiliation of infidelity would add a very relevant and sobering dimension to the stories being told here.
I think for those married and in sexless or borderline sexless marriages it has ALREADY gone Tits up. There are a number of terrible options on the table
Stay and die slowly
Cheat and hope the situation improves then you don’t have to anymore
Divorce and fuck everything up
So cheat get found out and fuck everything up is just a slightly worse combined version of the above "
Brilliant |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"
The reason it hasnt become an all out flame war as you put it, is at this stage i think cheaters on here know what most people think of them.
And most people are sick of this discussion. So keep swimming in your cheater pool and the rest of us will probably do our thing
That wouldn't be my read of it.
I do think there are some salient perspectives missing from this discussion though.
What happens when it all goes tits up?
Many, exclusively men so far I think, have, anonymously, given honest explanations for their actions and have been credited with that and judgement withheld by some. I feel like there's an easy pass here and this may not translate to real life.
I also feel like hearing from those who have had to suffer the betrayal and humiliation of infidelity would add a very relevant and sobering dimension to the stories being told here.
I think for those married and in sexless or borderline sexless marriages it has ALREADY gone Tits up. There are a number of terrible options on the table
Stay and die slowly
Cheat and hope the situation improves then you don’t have to anymore
Divorce and fuck everything up
So cheat get found out and fuck everything up is just a slightly worse combined version of the above "
Where's the option to communicate your feelings honestly with your partner, get counselling together and if she's still not interested in sex with you, to make an arrangement for an open marriage? Too idealistic? Maybe an open marriage wouldn’t suit everyone but the first step should be communication, no?  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *asual777Man
over a year ago
i travel all over |
"
The reason it hasnt become an all out flame war as you put it, is at this stage i think cheaters on here know what most people think of them.
And most people are sick of this discussion. So keep swimming in your cheater pool and the rest of us will probably do our thing
That wouldn't be my read of it.
I do think there are some salient perspectives missing from this discussion though.
What happens when it all goes tits up?
Many, exclusively men so far I think, have, anonymously, given honest explanations for their actions and have been credited with that and judgement withheld by some. I feel like there's an easy pass here and this may not translate to real life.
I also feel like hearing from those who have had to suffer the betrayal and humiliation of infidelity would add a very relevant and sobering dimension to the stories being told here.
I think for those married and in sexless or borderline sexless marriages it has ALREADY gone Tits up. There are a number of terrible options on the table
Stay and die slowly
Cheat and hope the situation improves then you don’t have to anymore
Divorce and fuck everything up
So cheat get found out and fuck everything up is just a slightly worse combined version of the above
Where's the option to communicate your feelings honestly with your partner, get counselling together and if she's still not interested in sex with you, to make an arrangement for an open marriage? Too idealistic? Maybe an open marriage wouldn’t suit everyone but the first step should be communication, no? "
I suspect most cases here are ‘palliative’. If those sort of scenarios were options many wouldn’t end up on here |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *egsyWoman
over a year ago
Meath |
"Honestly, I suspect most cases here are the 'fancied a bit on the side type... But maybe I'm just cynical.
Not all though I accept that"
I suspect so too, with the story "im not getting it at home" used as the get out of jail free excuse. Thats why i wondered if the cheaters would be ok with their partners also getting it elsewhere...I doubt it |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"
I think for those married and in sexless or borderline sexless marriages it has ALREADY gone Tits up. There are a number of terrible options on the table
Stay and die slowly
Cheat and hope the situation improves then you don’t have to anymore
Divorce and fuck everything up
So cheat get found out and fuck everything up is just a slightly worse combined version of the above "
I think there is probably more options.
And I can't speak for everyone but I know I'd rather end a relationship with honesty and closure rather than shatter it. The fallout rarely just affects two people. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *asual777Man
over a year ago
i travel all over |
"
I think for those married and in sexless or borderline sexless marriages it has ALREADY gone Tits up. There are a number of terrible options on the table
Stay and die slowly
Cheat and hope the situation improves then you don’t have to anymore
Divorce and fuck everything up
So cheat get found out and fuck everything up is just a slightly worse combined version of the above
I think there is probably more options.
And I can't speak for everyone but I know I'd rather end a relationship with honesty and closure rather than shatter it. The fallout rarely just affects two people."
I know two couples currently ending their relationship With honesty and closure . I spend much of my life listening to their stories .
disagreement over finances , parenting , moving on by meeting other people , coordinating timetables/childcare , comments from respective families etc have made their intended respectful divorce a total car crash with no end in sight |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I think for those married and in sexless or borderline sexless marriages it has ALREADY gone Tits up. There are a number of terrible options on the table
Stay and die slowly
Cheat and hope the situation improves then you don’t have to anymore
Divorce and fuck everything up
So cheat get found out and fuck everything up is just a slightly worse combined version of the above
I think there is probably more options.
And I can't speak for everyone but I know I'd rather end a relationship with honesty and closure rather than shatter it. The fallout rarely just affects two people.
I know two couples currently ending their relationship With honesty and closure . I spend much of my life listening to their stories .
disagreement over finances , parenting , moving on by meeting other people , coordinating timetables/childcare , comments from respective families etc have made their intended respectful divorce a total car crash with no end in sight "
Divorce is sh!te - nobody comes out happy as a result, no matter how amicable you believe it will happen. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm engaged to be married, and someone asked me that question yesterday actually. So I'll copy and paste my answer below:
I'm a diagnosed Sex- & Love-addict, and the answer feels complex to me. I get a thrill out of the chase, and the secrecy. I wouldn't be able to get this same thrill without being in a relationship, and that's part of what officially makes it an addiction. It goes completely against my own values. I despise cheaters. My mum caught my dad cheating when I was 8, and I witnessed how it affected her. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know it's not healthy. And while it might not seem like it, I really do love herself. She's understanding, kind, same humour as me, loves the same music. She's amazing in bed. She's everything I ever wanted.
But my addiction makes it impossible for me to have a healthy relationship with anyone, and I need that closeness she provides. But there isn't a partner in this world who can voluntarily give me what I crave. I crave the secrecy. I crave the taboo.
If I had the permission to play, then my cravings would still go unfulfilled.
I have gone to therapy, and that helped to keep the cravings in check because it made me accountable as long as I was honest during the sessions, but the cravings were still lurking under the surface. That's why an alcoholic can't be near drink. The craving will always be there. Sex is in any animals nature, so it's not something I can avoid. It's part of our primal lizard-brain to reproduce.
Yes, I'm fucked up, and I know it. But I'm trying to live life the best I can without hurting anyone. That's why I need the absolute secrecy and discretion.
And to any lady who might feel like I'm just gonna use them and move on to feed my addiction: I also crave the personal connection with whoever I play with. I don't gain any pleasure from blind sex. I need to know that we can relate on a personal level, and THAT in my view definitely does not make the potential lover a fluffer.
If I wanted just a quick fix of just sex, it'd be easier and safer to pay someone. Guaranteed to be no feelings, no judgement, guaranteed discretion, and they'd always accommodate. But yeah... Not my thing. Wouldn't be able to build a genuine connection with the person."
How do you think spending your life despising yourself is going to play out ? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Don’t know why I’m here to be honest. It’s easier to head to town and pull a bird. My wife losted all interest in sex years ago due to an illness and health reasons due to the woman’s reproductive parts.and im fairy sure most of the married men on here is the same. Well any I’ve chatted to experience the same as me. She told me to fuck whatever I want as long as I don’t bring it home. Why don’t I leave her?? Well I love her, I love my kids, why upset them all by walking away from the family home. Myself and her were on here as a couple years ago and really did enjoy meeting other couples. I head out every other weekend and pull the odd bird here and there. Wife never asks where i’m going or where I was. Never asks who i’m going out with nor if I met anyone I know when I was out. I went away for a few days to Donegal a few weeks ago and the only question I was ask was “did u miss us”. We get on very well, don’t fight, do things for each other. We don’t sleep together and I wake her week mornings with her cup of tea. Now go ahead. Judge me for it. Because honestly I don’t care, I’m having no luck on here anyway. "
Lmao .... so what arnt you able to pull no bothers on weekends?  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I’m not gonna lie I was waiting for this thread to explode
It didn’t
My conclusion
A lot of cheaters on fab
Me too. But I think it was the honesty of the protagonist that swayed the baying mob into silence
"
Doubtful |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Many people stay because divorce and separation can be very traumatic , prolonged and expensive . I have very good friends and relatives going through painful divorces and it’s beyond awful .
Some people stay because the kids need them both , and not separately . Some stay for financial reasons , or because they share friends and are afraid of loneliness .
I think each situation is different . Who are we to know what people we hardly know should do about a very important aspect of their life ? If i don’t like what someone does i can just avoid them I suppose .
"
And some stay because the don't know the full picture because their partner isn't honest with them ! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Addiction to anything is rough so you have my sympathies..two small questions so I can understand a little better..does your future wife have any idea that she is marrying someone with an addiction that could possibly cause major problems/hurt down the road for her and also are you actively working on your addiction in order to hopefully quell it..Pm if you like..
Thank you for those words. Yes, she is aware. She was the reason I chose to seek therapy in the first place as we had an episode that made me reflect on my past behaviour from before I met her, and it made me realise I have an issue. I did not know what my issue was, and I certainly didn't think of it as an addiction at the time. I thought of a sex-addict exclusively as someone with an insatiable lust for sex, but I learned through therapy that sex is a very small part of it.
It was with that therapist that I was diagnosed with Sex- & Love-addiction.
And yes, I am currently trying to look for another therapist who are specialising in Sex- & Love-addiction, as I can't return to my old therapist."
I'd like to pick up on this ... what part is being on fab playing in your active work to quell your addiction? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Many people stay because divorce and separation can be very traumatic , prolonged and expensive . I have very good friends and relatives going through painful divorces and it’s beyond awful .
Some people stay because the kids need them both , and not separately . Some stay for financial reasons , or because they share friends and are afraid of loneliness .
I think each situation is different . Who are we to know what people we hardly know should do about a very important aspect of their life ? If i don’t like what someone does i can just avoid them I suppose .
I usually avoid these threads but I totally agree Cas. Life is fucking complicated.
I also think a lot of the time in these threads, the person being cheated on is ascribed an almost saintly status. Sometimes this is not the case. "
Thats a scewed form of self justification |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Many people stay because divorce and separation can be very traumatic , prolonged and expensive . I have very good friends and relatives going through painful divorces and it’s beyond awful .
Some people stay because the kids need them both , and not separately . Some stay for financial reasons , or because they share friends and are afraid of loneliness .
I think each situation is different . Who are we to know what people we hardly know should do about a very important aspect of their life ? If i don’t like what someone does i can just avoid them I suppose .
I usually avoid these threads but I totally agree Cas. Life is fucking complicated.
I also think a lot of the time in these threads, the person being cheated on is ascribed an almost saintly status. Sometimes this is not the case.
Thats a scewed form of self justification "
I have nothing to justify. Nor was I saying it was justification. It was an observation. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Many people stay because divorce and separation can be very traumatic , prolonged and expensive . I have very good friends and relatives going through painful divorces and it’s beyond awful .
Some people stay because the kids need them both , and not separately . Some stay for financial reasons , or because they share friends and are afraid of loneliness .
I think each situation is different . Who are we to know what people we hardly know should do about a very important aspect of their life ? If i don’t like what someone does i can just avoid them I suppose .
I usually avoid these threads but I totally agree Cas. Life is fucking complicated.
I also think a lot of the time in these threads, the person being cheated on is ascribed an almost saintly status. Sometimes this is not the case.
Thats a scewed form of self justification
I have nothing to justify. Nor was I saying it was justification. It was an observation."
Interesting |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *asual777Man
over a year ago
i travel all over |
If we are to really look at the ethics of the situation
You would start by saying that the Cheater is acting unethically
Because they are taking away their partner’s autonomy , because their cheating benefits only them, could harm their partner and kids, and their behaviour is unjust
But we don’t Have the full picture. We don’t know if in a sexless marriage scenario
1. The withholding partner has considered their (now cheating) partner’s autonomy and how they feel about decades of potential sexlessness
2. They have agreed to review medical causes
3. They have agreed to go to therapy
4. They have considered the consequences on their partner and The marriage
Justice may still not amount to being ok with infidelity but it’s far less black or white |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"If we are to really look at the ethics of the situation
You would start by saying that the Cheater is acting unethically
Because they are taking away their partner’s autonomy , because their cheating benefits only them, could harm their partner and kids, and their behaviour is unjust
But we don’t Have the full picture. We don’t know if in a sexless marriage scenario
1. The withholding partner has considered their (now cheating) partner’s autonomy and how they feel about decades of potential sexlessness
2. They have agreed to review medical causes
3. They have agreed to go to therapy
4. They have considered the consequences on their partner and The marriage
Justice may still not amount to being ok with infidelity but it’s far less black or white "
Would it not be,in terms of your above view, that the reasons people have for cheating arnt black and white , yet the act of cheating is ? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
