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Sex and feelings
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I'll get deep here. Do you think that having multiple purely sexual experiences with multiple partners over years in the long run can diminish the capability of actually having real feelings for a person in the future considering having to continuously repress feelings keeping it down to pure sex every time.This referred to singles. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Im sure it just depends on if you meet someone who changes your mind!
After a a while it can be difficult to open yourself to the concept of letting someone have control of your feelings in case they hurt them! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'll get deep here. Do you think that having multiple purely sexual experiences with multiple partners over years in the long run can diminish the capability of actually having real feelings for a person in the future considering having to continuously repress feelings keeping it down to pure sex every time.This referred to singles. "
I'd say not, feelings for another person are built on many things in addition to sex so controlling the sex/emotion link wouldn't determine your ability to get emotionally attached.
If you run the theory out, not having sex wouldn’t have a one-fits-all result either.
But the connection between sex and feelings might diminish over time and affect how you connect to your partner in sexual situations, as in what you get out of it beyond an orgasm |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't need to worry about feelings, they are that weell surrounded by a wall that good luck to anyone that gets through can't even get over the wall myself |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Good question OP.
I guess the difference is whether you get the feels for someone you have sex with and how you handle it.
We can have sex for fun and pleasure and thats all fine I dont think that affects your ability to experience connection.
But if you are having sex and getting the feels but burying/denying/running away from it, that could create a psychological block Id say. |
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"I don't need to worry about feelings, they are that weell surrounded by a wall that good luck to anyone that gets through can't even get over the wall myself "
Yes that's exactly the issue..that after a while " you can't get over the wall" yourself. |
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"I'll get deep here. Do you think that having multiple purely sexual experiences with multiple partners over years in the long run can diminish the capability of actually having real feelings for a person in the future considering having to continuously repress feelings keeping it down to pure sex every time.This referred to singles.
I'd say not, feelings for another person are built on many things in addition to sex so controlling the sex/emotion link wouldn't determine your ability to get emotionally attached.
If you run the theory out, not having sex wouldn’t have a one-fits-all result either.
But the connection between sex and feelings might diminish over time and affect how you connect to your partner in sexual situations, as in what you get out of it beyond an orgasm"
Interesting point of view. |
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"Good question OP.
I guess the difference is whether you get the feels for someone you have sex with and how you handle it.
We can have sex for fun and pleasure and thats all fine I dont think that affects your ability to experience connection.
But if you are having sex and getting the feels but burying/denying/running away from it, that could create a psychological block Id say."
I understand that but what I'm saying is if you're used to closing your emotions in a box every time because your main goal and pleasure is having sex and fun, could it then become harder to open that box in the future ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Good question OP.
I guess the difference is whether you get the feels for someone you have sex with and how you handle it.
We can have sex for fun and pleasure and thats all fine I dont think that affects your ability to experience connection.
But if you are having sex and getting the feels but burying/denying/running away from it, that could create a psychological block Id say.
I understand that but what I'm saying is if you're used to closing your emotions in a box every time because your main goal and pleasure is having sex and fun, could it then become harder to open that box in the future ? "
I think it could but i mean that’s on you to take ownership. You won’t find a “ fabswingers guide to having intimate relationships “
What i will say, and it’s common sense if you think about it, if you are having serial sexual relationships, spinning so many plates at once, well that necessitates that you are constantly moving so yeah you are actually getting to know nobody really in that case. |
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"I'll get deep here. Do you think that having multiple purely sexual experiences with multiple partners over years in the long run can diminish the capability of actually having real feelings for a person in the future considering having to continuously repress feelings keeping it down to pure sex every time.This referred to singles. "
"Having to continuously repress feelings"...are you implying that having multiple NSA partners means that you HAVE to repress feelings?
Why wouldn't you have "feelings" for an NSA partner? I understand it depends on your interpretation of "feelings" but if you have several partners over a longer period of time for NSA sex, it would imply to me that there ARE feelings...ok, it might not be love but if you repeatedly meet, there have to be feelings of sorts involved.
It sounds to me like a behaviour or coping mechanism to avoid intimacy and I expect that, unless you're a sociopath of sorts, it won't diminish the capability of having "real feelings" for another...it's a matter of looking deep inside yourself with behaviour patterns, the why and where and how and - obviously - meeting that special someone who you actually allow yourself to fall for...but where you yourself are concerned - only you have the answer  |
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"I'll get deep here. Do you think that having multiple purely sexual experiences with multiple partners over years in the long run can diminish the capability of actually having real feelings for a person in the future considering having to continuously repress feelings keeping it down to pure sex every time.This referred to singles.
"Having to continuously repress feelings"...are you implying that having multiple NSA partners means that you HAVE to repress feelings?
Why wouldn't you have "feelings" for an NSA partner? I understand it depends on your interpretation of "feelings" but if you have several partners over a longer period of time for NSA sex, it would imply to me that there ARE feelings...ok, it might not be love but if you repeatedly meet, there have to be feelings of sorts involved.
It sounds to me like a behaviour or coping mechanism to avoid intimacy and I expect that, unless you're a sociopath of sorts, it won't diminish the capability of having "real feelings" for another...it's a matter of looking deep inside yourself with behaviour patterns, the why and where and how and - obviously - meeting that special someone who you actually allow yourself to fall for...but where you yourself are concerned - only you have the answer "
What I'm saying is, being so used to constantly concealing feelings/emotions which happens with an NSA partner could maybe make you steril to real emotions in the future ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As a side note, any 'learned' behaviour, as opposed to how you're wired psychologically from birth, can (by the fact it was learned) therefore be 'unlearned'.
So there's always hope for growth and change if it's something you genuinely want.
And if you later fall back in to old patterns of behaviour and emotional reflexes of holding people at bay, good communication between you and your partner would help to alert/ manage/ avoid these things recurring. Trusting them to only ever be honest and not weaponise it to manipulate you, being open to listening if they communicate that they feel shut out. That kind of thing. |
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"Good question OP.
I guess the difference is whether you get the feels for someone you have sex with and how you handle it.
We can have sex for fun and pleasure and thats all fine I dont think that affects your ability to experience connection.
But if you are having sex and getting the feels but burying/denying/running away from it, that could create a psychological block Id say.
I understand that but what I'm saying is if you're used to closing your emotions in a box every time because your main goal and pleasure is having sex and fun, could it then become harder to open that box in the future ? "
Agree with this.. Box firmly shut |
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"As a side note, any 'learned' behaviour, as opposed to how you're wired psychologically from birth, can (by the fact it was learned) therefore be 'unlearned'.
So there's always hope for growth and change if it's something you genuinely want.
And if you later fall back in to old patterns of behaviour and emotional reflexes of holding people at bay, good communication between you and your partner would help to alert/ manage/ avoid these things recurring. Trusting them to only ever be honest and not weaponise it to manipulate you, being open to listening if they communicate that they feel shut out. That kind of thing."
I agree that learned can be unlearned but it's not an easy process. It's like asking a addict to stop taking the addictive substance , in this case sex. |
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"I'll get deep here. Do you think that having multiple purely sexual experiences with multiple partners over years in the long run can diminish the capability of actually having real feelings for a person in the future considering having to continuously repress feelings keeping it down to pure sex every time.This referred to singles.
"Having to continuously repress feelings"...are you implying that having multiple NSA partners means that you HAVE to repress feelings?
Why wouldn't you have "feelings" for an NSA partner? I understand it depends on your interpretation of "feelings" but if you have several partners over a longer period of time for NSA sex, it would imply to me that there ARE feelings...ok, it might not be love but if you repeatedly meet, there have to be feelings of sorts involved.
It sounds to me like a behaviour or coping mechanism to avoid intimacy and I expect that, unless you're a sociopath of sorts, it won't diminish the capability of having "real feelings" for another...it's a matter of looking deep inside yourself with behaviour patterns, the why and where and how and - obviously - meeting that special someone who you actually allow yourself to fall for...but where you yourself are concerned - only you have the answer
What I'm saying is, being so used to constantly concealing feelings/emotions which happens with an NSA partner could maybe make you steril to real emotions in the future ?"
It's a learnt behaviour, and - in my humble opinion - a protection mechanism. So, absolutely, emotions are stunted.
I think the question you actually need to ask yourself though is - is this what you want - a singleton life with the fun of NSA, not needing to worry about a partner, which obviously comes with pros and cons? If so, and you're content - why question it?
If you feel you want something else, different, more - then maybe it's time to think about how to work on those walls and blocks you've erected. |
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"As a side note, any 'learned' behaviour, as opposed to how you're wired psychologically from birth, can (by the fact it was learned) therefore be 'unlearned'.
So there's always hope for growth and change if it's something you genuinely want.
And if you later fall back in to old patterns of behaviour and emotional reflexes of holding people at bay, good communication between you and your partner would help to alert/ manage/ avoid these things recurring. Trusting them to only ever be honest and not weaponise it to manipulate you, being open to listening if they communicate that they feel shut out. That kind of thing.
I agree that learned can be unlearned but it's not an easy process. It's like asking a addict to stop taking the addictive substance , in this case sex. "
Maybe then it's time to talk to a professional... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As a side note, any 'learned' behaviour, as opposed to how you're wired psychologically from birth, can (by the fact it was learned) therefore be 'unlearned'.
So there's always hope for growth and change if it's something you genuinely want.
And if you later fall back in to old patterns of behaviour and emotional reflexes of holding people at bay, good communication between you and your partner would help to alert/ manage/ avoid these things recurring. Trusting them to only ever be honest and not weaponise it to manipulate you, being open to listening if they communicate that they feel shut out. That kind of thing.
I agree that learned can be unlearned but it's not an easy process. It's like asking a addict to stop taking the addictive substance , in this case sex. "
You can unlearn behaviours and learn new ones. The brain is plastic, literally. Sex in and of itself isn’t addictive, if it’s numbing stuff then yeah it can be. You’ve been kinda vague. Are you saying you are addicted to lust / hooking up ? That’s a whole other conversation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As a side note, any 'learned' behaviour, as opposed to how you're wired psychologically from birth, can (by the fact it was learned) therefore be 'unlearned'.
So there's always hope for growth and change if it's something you genuinely want.
And if you later fall back in to old patterns of behaviour and emotional reflexes of holding people at bay, good communication between you and your partner would help to alert/ manage/ avoid these things recurring. Trusting them to only ever be honest and not weaponise it to manipulate you, being open to listening if they communicate that they feel shut out. That kind of thing.
I agree that learned can be unlearned but it's not an easy process. It's like asking a addict to stop taking the addictive substance , in this case sex. "
No it's not easy, nor is it quick. For as long, slow and gradual a process it was getting in to that box, it's going to be at least that long a journey back out.
You have to decide what you want, what it's worth to you, is it worth the risk, is it worth the effort, is it worth the inevitable hard days and set your course.
If it's not worth it to you you'll have failed before you begin. Motivation and determination are essential imho.
Primarily you need to want it for yourself and only you, because when it gets tough only you can put your shoulder to it.
It can't be because you have affection for someone and perhaps have gotten as far as not wanting to hurt their feelings, as a day will come where they piss you off (we all do) and you'll perhaps self-sabotage in defense or attack. |
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"As a side note, any 'learned' behaviour, as opposed to how you're wired psychologically from birth, can (by the fact it was learned) therefore be 'unlearned'.
I
So there's always hope for growth and change if it's something you genuinely want.
And if you later fall back in to old patterns of behaviour and emotional reflexes of holding people at bay, good communication between you and your partner would help to alert/ manage/ avoid these things recurring. Trusting them to only ever be honest and not weaponise it to manipulate you, being open to listening if they communicate that they feel shut out. That kind of thing.
I agree that learned can be unlearned but it's not an easy process. It's like asking a addict to stop taking the addictive substance , in this case sex.
You can unlearn behaviours and learn new ones. The brain is plastic, literally. Sex in and of itself isn’t addictive, if it’s numbing stuff then yeah it can be. You’ve been kinda vague. Are you saying you are addicted to lust / hooking up ? That’s a whole other conversation. "
Yes ideally brains are plastic but not for all.
I think sex is addictive for me as to many to the extent that we all need our daily, weekly or monthly dose. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Im sure it just depends on if you meet someone who changes your mind!
After a a while it can be difficult to open yourself to the concept of letting someone have control of your feelings in case they hurt them! "
I'm maybe taking this out of context, but only YOU control your feelings, ever.
External things will have an input but you can minimise and address those things.
You alone decide whether to tolerate a situation or accept a way of behaving and being treated. You decide your worth.
You are due a certain level of decency and respect. You get to draw the lines and boundaries as much as your partner through communication.
Having a mindset where others dictate your emotions is a cop-out. Telling yourself that you're only feeling a certain way because personX did/said/whatever is a way of absolving yourself of responsibility or ownership.
We're not emotional puppets. Abuse exists, and coercive control exists, etc but in the day-to-day for most folk, we are not all dandering around at the mercy of others, it just suits us to hand it off and say 'you're so mean' or whatever |
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"As a side note, any 'learned' behaviour, as opposed to how you're wired psychologically from birth, can (by the fact it was learned) therefore be 'unlearned'.
So there's always hope for growth and change if it's something you genuinely want.
And if you later fall back in to old patterns of behaviour and emotional reflexes of holding people at bay, good communication between you and your partner would help to alert/ manage/ avoid these things recurring. Trusting them to only ever be honest and not weaponise it to manipulate you, being open to listening if they communicate that they feel shut out. That kind of thing.
I agree that learned can be unlearned but it's not an easy process. It's like asking a addict to stop taking the addictive substance , in this case sex.
No it's not easy, nor is it quick. For as long, slow and gradual a process it was getting in to that box, it's going to be at least that long a journey back out.
You have to decide what you want, what it's worth to you, is it worth the risk, is it worth the effort, is it worth the inevitable hard days and set your course.
If it's not worth it to you you'll have failed before you begin. Motivation and determination are essential imho.
Primarily you need to want it for yourself and only you, because when it gets tough only you can put your shoulder to it.
It can't be because you have affection for someone and perhaps have gotten as far as not wanting to hurt their feelings, as a day will come where they piss you off (we all do) and you'll perhaps self-sabotage in defense or attack."
I'm happy you do agree that there is a box and after time it would be hard to open.
I'm happy and comfortable in the place I'm in at the moment but what I fear is the future. I've had friends going through this psychological impasse and would like to avoid it.
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"Im sure it just depends on if you meet someone who changes your mind!
After a a while it can be difficult to open yourself to the concept of letting someone have control of your feelings in case they hurt them!
I'm maybe taking this out of context, but only YOU control your feelings, ever.
External things will have an input but you can minimise and address those things.
You alone decide whether to tolerate a situation or accept a way of behaving and being treated. You decide your worth.
You are due a certain level of decency and respect. You get to draw the lines and boundaries as much as your partner through communication.
Having a mindset where others dictate your emotions is a cop-out. Telling yourself that you're only feeling a certain way because personX did/said/whatever is a way of absolving yourself of responsibility or ownership.
We're not emotional puppets. Abuse exists, and coercive control exists, etc but in the day-to-day for most folk, we are not all dandering around at the mercy of others, it just suits us to hand it off and say 'you're so mean' or whatever "
I have no one dictating my emotions but my fear that in the future I would loose contact with them myself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I'm happy you do agree that there is a box and after time it would be hard to open.
I'm happy and comfortable in the place I'm in at the moment but what I fear is the future. I've had friends going through this psychological impasse and would like to avoid it.
"
Hard, yes.
Impossible, no.
It's only an impasse if you can't decide what you want.
At the end of the day, no decision is actually a decision. It's perhaps just an unpalatable one for them.
I'd say you'd do well simply because you are asking these questions of yourself. Awareness is crucial. The ability to call yourself out on your own bs is up there too. |
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"As a side note, any 'learned' behaviour, as opposed to how you're wired psychologically from birth, can (by the fact it was learned) therefore be 'unlearned'.
So there's always hope for growth and change if it's something you genuinely want.
And if you later fall back in to old patterns of behaviour and emotional reflexes of holding people at bay, good communication between you and your partner would help to alert/ manage/ avoid these things recurring. Trusting them to only ever be honest and not weaponise it to manipulate you, being open to listening if they communicate that they feel shut out. That kind of thing.
I agree that learned can be unlearned but it's not an easy process. It's like asking a addict to stop taking the addictive substance , in this case sex.
Maybe then it's time to talk to a professional..."
I'm happy and comfortable in the place I'm in at the moment but what I fear is the future. I've had friends going through this psychological impasse and would like to avoid it. |
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"Im sure it just depends on if you meet someone who changes your mind!
After a a while it can be difficult to open yourself to the concept of letting someone have control of your feelings in case they hurt them!
I'm maybe taking this out of context, but only YOU control your feelings, ever.
External things will have an input but you can minimise and address those things.
You alone decide whether to tolerate a situation or accept a way of behaving and being treated. You decide your worth.
You are due a certain level of decency and respect. You get to draw the lines and boundaries as much as your partner through communication.
Having a mindset where others dictate your emotions is a cop-out. Telling yourself that you're only feeling a certain way because personX did/said/whatever is a way of absolving yourself of responsibility or ownership.
We're not emotional puppets. Abuse exists, and coercive control exists, etc but in the day-to-day for most folk, we are not all dandering around at the mercy of others, it just suits us to hand it off and say 'you're so mean' or whatever
I have no one dictating my emotions but my fear that in the future I would loose contact with them myself. "
A matter of continuously and consistently checking in with yourself, I'd say. In all honesty looking at where you're at on your scale of content, not pushing those niggling thoughts into the abyss. You're quite obviously aware... checking in with friends may help too...if they've noticed a change in your outlook or behaviour... |
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"As a side note, any 'learned' behaviour, as opposed to how you're wired psychologically from birth, can (by the fact it was learned) therefore be 'unlearned'.
So there's always hope for growth and change if it's something you genuinely want.
And if you later fall back in to old patterns of behaviour and emotional reflexes of holding people at bay, good communication between you and your partner would help to alert/ manage/ avoid these things recurring. Trusting them to only ever be honest and not weaponise it to manipulate you, being open to listening if they communicate that they feel shut out. That kind of thing.
I agree that learned can be unlearned but it's not an easy process. It's like asking a addict to stop taking the addictive substance , in this case sex.
Maybe then it's time to talk to a professional...
I'm happy and comfortable in the place I'm in at the moment but what I fear is the future. I've had friends going through this psychological impasse and would like to avoid it."
“If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present” and “No amount of regretting can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future".
And keep that awareness for the time you might meet that special someone |
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Ok guys this is looking like a counselling session for me now . I thank you for all your kind replies but
As I said I'm happy and comfortable in the place I'm in at the moment but what I fear is the future. I've had friends going through this psychological impasse and would like to avoid it.
Mine was more of a general question to who might be having my same thoughts and their opinions on it.
Thanks to all. Heading to town now for a few and maybe some naughty action . Have a great weekend. |
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By *asual777Man
over a year ago
i travel all over |
It’s a website consisting almost exclusively of non monogamous people with high libido . This may impact on getting a neutral answer to the ‘does a lot of shagging make it hard to settle down’ question ?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Im sure it just depends on if you meet someone who changes your mind!
After a a while it can be difficult to open yourself to the concept of letting someone have control of your feelings in case they hurt them!
I'm maybe taking this out of context, "
I meant you might like them and they don't like you back! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'll get deep here. Do you think that having multiple purely sexual experiences with multiple partners over years in the long run can diminish the capability of actually having real feelings for a person in the future considering having to continuously repress feelings keeping it down to pure sex every time.This referred to singles. "
No you make a conscious decision that this is only fun and you make a conscious decision when you want something more serious.. If you want serious leave the lifestyle |
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If you go into an NSA relationship and you want it to stay that way, it will. It has zero impact on emotional reactions, unless you want it to. It’s absolutely possible to have many NSA lovers and for no feelings other than affection and desire to develop. |
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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago
Newry Down |
Swinging is a form of professional detachment from the person whom you have negotiated a sexual encounter with; you both understand the rules of the game, what the limits are, and what each of you want. A further meet depends on both parties being mutually satisfied by the experience.
Feelings (of deeper affection) for the other person merely complicates the issue, especially if the other person is attached or in an open legal relationship.
When we cum together either as a couple or in a threesome, foursome or moresome, it is a sexual transaction, and I like it that way.
Unreciprocated feelings can make the encounter very messy, emotionally.
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