FabSwingers.com > Forums > Ireland > You all open relationship, polyamourous etc?
You all open relationship, polyamourous etc?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So there's a lot of content out there, more so than ever these days on identity and relationships.
My gf and broke up and got back together a year ago as an open relationship couple. We had spoken at length and agreed on it sort of to try break old jealousy dynamics and try gift each other sexual freedom.
We both saw and had sex with other people, both had some jealousy which I think is normal. And then we closed until recently to address some bigger issues in the background. We love each other very much it's been a great experience and helped us develop a deeper bond.
Some aspects have been difficult. Because neither of us want to catch feels for another person. So we had arbitrary rules like only seeing a person a set number of times, being open with others that we're taken and what our boundaries are. We're sort in the process of sorting some of that because I hate putting a limit on my interactions with a new person. So we're an open relationship but only physically.
It's kind of what led us towards the idea of swinging because 1)its some thing we can do and share together 2)meet other people more interested in sexual adventure than emotional bonds. For a man it's bloody difficult to find women who are the same. For a woman looking for horny sex focused men there's no shortage.
Which finally leads to my question. How does everyone here identify? Are any of you polyamourous with multiple relationships? Is a swinger couple automatically an open relationship? Do the singles here identify with non monogomy? Are there swinksters out there more in the kink community?
I disagree that everything needs a label, but the lack of any sort of discussion to that effect that I've seen leaves me wondering what is the swinging scene in Ireland really composed of? Cheers  |
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It's worth saying at the beginning for those who dont know that polyamoury is about "love" connections and not sex. It's about relationships. If you aren't allowing yourself to have feelings for others then it's not polyamoury. Open relationships can mean different things to different people so always needs clarification. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why are you looking for more than just each other? Swinging and open relationships aren't great for peoole who have experienced jealousy when their partner is sexual with someone else."
I think it's also unrealistic to say that most couples don't experience jealousy. Personally I find a bit of jealousy healthy. It's this sort of rush of break up get back together 20 times that I've seen some couples do that I'd find toxic and unsustainable. We're actually v cool with it right now because our communication is so on point. There was a time when it wasn't. |
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We don't get jealous, probably because we're together so long and the trust is there. Jealousy is not healthy, I don't know why you would think that.
Maybe try meeting as a couple instead of separately? Attend socials and parties, experience swinging together? It may help alleviate any jealousy issues or it could make them worse. Either way it will tell you if an open relationship is right for you. Good luck |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We don't get jealous, probably because we're together so long and the trust is there. Jealousy is not healthy, I don't know why you would think that.
Maybe try meeting as a couple instead of separately? Attend socials and parties, experience swinging together? It may help alleviate any jealousy issues or it could make them worse. Either way it will tell you if an open relationship is right for you. Good luck "
Each to their own. I wouldn't describe my jealousy as anxious or angry and not inherently a bad thing. Would just be hurt if she "chose" someone over me. Hers is more worrying i'll fall for someone else. We're not at this game for ages so there's that. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"To us swinging just means a bit of extra bedroom fun, nothing to do with our relationship from a dating point of view"
That's cool. I wonder if that's where we leave it someday and drop the dating seperately part. Its what I was referring to above with experiencing something together and just enjoying a the bonus of it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"polyamourous Relationships, I always think will end up disastrous. Loving your partner knowing that they love someone else and have that loving connection IMO isn’t healthy  "
Wouldn't be my scene either no. Who has the time for a second full time partner? That said some people live in triads or more. If they're happy all power to them. |
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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago
Dublin |
Telling other people what is/isn't healthy isn't a healthy thing to do either.
So on that note...
I dont find jealousy is healthy for me, it doesn't suit my personality and has a negative impact on my overall happiness.
But I do think jealousy is a perfectly normal emotion for people to have. Especially younger people and people in their late 20s.
People grow up in a world where society encourages jealousy so it's hardly surprising it is so common.
There's nothing wrong with feeling jealous while being concious about it and working towards eliminating it. Best of luck with it OP.
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By *3nsesMan
over a year ago
Dublin |
As for me, I find it difficukt to label myself.
I've no interest in being in a committed relationship where I'm expected to see someone on a regular/weekly basis. I'm not sure I'll ever want to live with someone, can't see it happening.
My ideal relationship status would be a secondary/third/bit on the side to someone who is in a primary poly relationship/marriage. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I tend to agree with Lenses here, jealousy is a pretty normal human emotion. The fact that it can cause damage when unrecognised, suppressed or misdirected etc means it should be owned and challenged.
If you love your partner and want to stay as a couple OP your openness, discussions and research will bring you right to what suits ye both Im sure.
Best wishes
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Telling other people what is/isn't healthy isn't a healthy thing to do either.
So on that note...
I dont find jealousy is healthy for me, it doesn't suit my personality and has a negative impact on my overall happiness.
But I do think jealousy is a perfectly normal emotion for people to have. Especially younger people and people in their late 20s.
People grow up in a world where society encourages jealousy so it's hardly surprising it is so common.
There's nothing wrong with feeling jealous while being concious about it and working towards eliminating it. Best of luck with it OP.
"
Cheers for the words friend |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I tend to agree with Lenses here, jealousy is a pretty normal human emotion. The fact that it can cause damage when unrecognised, suppressed or misdirected etc means it should be owned and challenged.
If you love your partner and want to stay as a couple OP your openness, discussions and research will bring you right to what suits ye both Im sure.
Best wishes
"
Cheers rubadub feel similar on confronting and training against negative feelings. Too many people pretending they don't have any. |
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By *ettaManMan
over a year ago
Kerry and Dublin |
I'm solo-poly and ethically non-monogamous, but I try to be open to whatever relationship dynamic might develop.
I'm currently in longer term relationships with two women, one of whom is married. I don't really have any interest in being a primary partner but, again, I try to be open to how relationships develop. I don't mind being an emotional support and just 'being there' for someone but I don't really need it in return and I tend to feel too claustrophobic if I'm 'tied' to someone.
Being open to ethical non-monogamy I'm open to strictly sexual relationships as well, although I would have to at least 'click' with someone before having sex with them.
I haven't been to any parties yet though, so I can't speak for that particular dynamic. |
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"polyamourous Relationships, I always think will end up disastrous. Loving your partner knowing that they love someone else and have that loving connection IMO isn’t healthy "
Have you been in or know alot of people in a poly relationship??? |
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"polyamourous Relationships, I always think will end up disastrous. Loving your partner knowing that they love someone else and have that loving connection IMO isn’t healthy
Have you been in or know alot of people in a poly relationship???"
no which is why I stated my opinion. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I get what you have said in regards to jealousy and for me too its the complete separation of sex and feelings. Couldn't care less about my partner getting their rocks off but if they started getting emotionally attached to someone, then the green eyed monster of insecurity and jealousy appears and I really wish it didnt.
Each to their own. If I didn't get jealous I really don't think I'd care about them at all,but that's just my opinion.
Peace out MOFO's |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m poly, but I would label many of my relationships as “open” more than poly. I have a long term “nesting” partner (a primary who also dates), a long term “anchor” girlfriend, and usually one or two open relationships. More to your point though, I’m not sure that putting a label on relationships is all that helpful, I prefer the designer relationships approach - for each relationship pick and choose what you both want and do that, and understand what you don’t want as much and don’t focus energy there. Like great sex and cuddles? Great, do that. Not fussed about restaurants? Great, don’t do that.
You mentioned rules and restrictions you have, and we started out like that also. I also disliked having to limit myself, but they were necessary to avoid my partner feeling “less than”. Some people will say that’s not healthy poly, but it worked for us, and 3 years later our rules have become guidelines.
Jealousy is always a factor, though some will either be emotionally unavailable enough to not realise it, or have worked through how they respond to it manage it.
Sounds like some of what you’re going through is what I’ve gone through, so feel free to reach out if you want to grab a coffee and talk through sometime, always happy to meet more people owning their shit in the community. |
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I'll share my fairly disastrous experience. I was the hubby in a (married) couple that invited initially another female and eventually another male in to a poly arrangement. It was great for over a year or two but eventually it became clear that the other female and myself were more suited to each other than my primary relationship. Once you allow a new love relationship to flourish with the full support and encouragement of your original primary partner...then its hard to turn that off once you realise the real live consequences. Cue divorce and a whole world of pain. It's all fun and sex games till someone ends up in the shit. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’m poly, but I would label many of my relationships as “open” more than poly. I have a long term “nesting” partner (a primary who also dates), a long term “anchor” girlfriend, and usually one or two open relationships. More to your point though, I’m not sure that putting a label on relationships is all that helpful, I prefer the designer relationships approach - for each relationship pick and choose what you both want and do that, and understand what you don’t want as much and don’t focus energy there. Like great sex and cuddles? Great, do that. Not fussed about restaurants? Great, don’t do that.
You mentioned rules and restrictions you have, and we started out like that also. I also disliked having to limit myself, but they were necessary to avoid my partner feeling “less than”. Some people will say that’s not healthy poly, but it worked for us, and 3 years later our rules have become guidelines.
Jealousy is always a factor, though some will either be emotionally unavailable enough to not realise it, or have worked through how they respond to it manage it.
Sounds like some of what you’re going through is what I’ve gone through, so feel free to reach out if you want to grab a coffee and talk through sometime, always happy to meet more people owning their shit in the community. "
Designer relationships thats a new term to me, Ive heard it called Relationship Anarchy, and Relationship Smorgasbörd. I like it as an idea, untested in reality. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Frankly, poly sounds exhausting, difficult enough juggling one primary relationship with kids, work and other friendships.
We're sexually non-monogamous but emotionally committed to each other, swinging is an occasional pastime for us, no more. |
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"Frankly, poly sounds exhausting, difficult enough juggling one primary relationship with kids, work and other friendships.
We're sexually non-monogamous but emotionally committed to each other, swinging is an occasional pastime for us, no more. "
I found it fairly exhausting alright... and not just from all the sex  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Frankly, poly sounds exhausting, difficult enough juggling one primary relationship with kids, work and other friendships.
We're sexually non-monogamous but emotionally committed to each other, swinging is an occasional pastime for us, no more.
I found it fairly exhausting alright... and not just from all the sex "
I wasn't talking about sex either |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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With my girlfriend, we had a discussion, I told her I don’t mind if she wanted to have sex with someone else, I don’t get jealous of sex, i know I’m good in bed and give her pleasure so it’s not an insecurity.
I don’t think it is great for your connection if you’re actively going out of your way to find something more, if it comes your way say at a party then I wouldn’t mind someone enjoying a one night thing.
For me sex and emotion is separate but I know it’s not the case for many |
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I think jealousy, like other emotional reactions to life, is normal.
How you deal with the feeling, individually & as a couple, could be healthy or unhealthy.
Do you bottle it up & let resentment simmer until one day you can't smoother it anymore & you get in an emotional heated row.
Or do you do a little introspection, figure out what is specifically triggering the reaction & discuss it with your partner in a blame free way.
I label myself solo poly. I don't think I'd ever want to cohabit with anyone again. I don't expect one person to meet all my emotional & physical needs and don't think I could be that person for someone else.
I'll have different levels of attachment with different people. I need to feel some kind of connection and attraction & I want a social element with any partner. Otherwise how each partnership looks is unique to a variety of factors. |
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"polyamourous Relationships, I always think will end up disastrous. Loving your partner knowing that they love someone else and have that loving connection IMO isn’t healthy "
Not healthy at all and soul destroying.
Some open their emotional and/sexual relationship not realising how their unique bond and trust will be put to the test.
Once you open the Pandora's box, there is no way back and you better be prepared to go all the way or don't do it at all. |
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