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How to say no in group settings
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Chatting with hubbies last night about parties & such. How do you politely tell someone you don't want to play with them at a party. I found myself avoiding, people I wasn't interested in & them trying to "nail me" so to speak.. complete Tom & Gerry type behaviour and I know I should have been more upfront but didn't quite know how. He found some of the women quite intimidating and demanding also and found himself with girls & in situations he may not have wanted to either. We had our plans, safe words and the likes but didn't always get a chance to put an escape plan into practice. What have you found works best, without offending people or ruining a night? |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
I have only found myself in a position like this once . I did politely say sorry but I'm not interested in playing with you the first time .The second time I was a bit more direct and told him not to touch me . It was a small setting but yes it did make me feel very uncomfortable and like I was spoiling the fun for others. But I don't see why I should shag someone just to keep others happy and I'm glad I didn't. But it has made me wary of going to anything alone again .
I think with two of you there just make sure you are clear in what you want and if either of you feel uncomfortable and pressured then stick together and don't allow others to push you into something you will end up regretting after.
It's meant to be fun and enjoyable and it's time to leave when it no longer is. |
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Anyone who goes to a play party should be well able to take a polite, simple "no thank you" or "I'm not interested" for an answer. If they get offended or their night is ruined, that's fully on them. It's part and parcel of attending events and being a responsible community member. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Remove the group part out if the scenario for a second... any situation no means no and it shouldn't feel awkward to say.
Anyone who find that it's ruining the vibe or their night is better off out if your circle and the community in general to be honest.
Also a clear no is fairer on the person who is making advances as they may genuinely just miss more subtle hints |
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"Remove the group part out if the scenario for a second... any situation no means no and it shouldn't feel awkward to say.
Anyone who find that it's ruining the vibe or their night is better off out if your circle and the community in general to be honest.
Also a clear no is fairer on the person who is making advances as they may genuinely just miss more subtle hints"
100% & that was completely my bad..as had been chatting to these people online & had good vibes from them but it was very much their physical presents gave me the heebie jeebies... just an energy thing really, can't quite explain it...but I can see how I gave them the impression I was up for stuff while chatting online & it was childish of me not to be straight forword. Thanks for everyone's input. It is great to be able to talk it out ourselves and have input from others to make sure we get it "righter" the next time & it has deffo made me more aware of innuendos and how, what I perceived as innocent flirting can be taken. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It just doesn't happen to women. When a friend dragged me along to to a party several years ago for some moral support. Long story short, when I was on my way back from the loo i was approached by a woman who had far too much to drink and she began groping me and asked me to play with her. I could see she was a troublesome individual, so i graciously refused and made my way back to the sitting room. Quite by accident I got chatting with a much older woman who was articulate interesting and intelligent and we had just began kissing when the d*unken woman i had met in the hall earlier showed up and started questioning me loudly "what has she got that I haven't?" Luckily I wasn't drinking that night and had my car parked outside, so I decided to make a swift exit and was closely followed by the older lady who wasn't drinking and had also driven to the party with a male friend.
There are two things I can't abide, jealous people and drama. The whole experience turned me off swinger's parties. |
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By *asual777Man
over a year ago
i travel all over |
Super awkward that whole thing . A couple recently attended a group meet. We played . All seemed to be going well . Since then no response to messages and no veri. Clearly I did something wrong but I have no idea why . |
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"Remove the group part out if the scenario for a second... any situation no means no and it shouldn't feel awkward to say.
Anyone who find that it's ruining the vibe or their night is better off out if your circle and the community in general to be honest.
Also a clear no is fairer on the person who is making advances as they may genuinely just miss more subtle hints"
Well said |
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By *ilderMan
over a year ago
dublin |
One of the main reasons why I tend not to drink at parties or if I do I limit myself. Socials I'm more likely to drink a bit.
I've had too many ladies with too much drink not quite reading the signals at parties and socials... Or indeed seen too many d*unk guys make a move on a lady when it's not wanted etc. Much easier to be aware of your own surroundings and be able to act accordingly when sober. I find being less direct in my 'no' is better if possible but will be very clear if it's required.
I'm lucky that when in the zone at a party I don't need Dutch courage so I don't need the crutch of booze. Much better to have a couple of beers the next night watching a film and smiling with the flashbacks of the previous nights antics (being sober I remember it all)   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We have had a few occasions were we had to politely decline people's interest.
The first club night we went to we did the benny Hill routine where we were chased around rooms until I lost patience and just told him no straight out. That's when I realised that subtle hints go over people's heads when hormones take over.
Since then we have used a simple no thanks. Only one person ever complained and he scolded us that we were "at a sex club ffs. It's what you do"
I also think maybe we have been lucky because I'm a very large man and maybe that keeps people from being extra creepy or pushy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One of the main reasons why I tend not to drink at parties or if I do I limit myself. Socials I'm more likely to drink a bit.
I've had too many ladies with too much drink not quite reading the signals at parties and socials... Or indeed seen too many d*unk guys make a move on a lady when it's not wanted etc. Much easier to be aware of your own surroundings and be able to act accordingly when sober. I find being less direct in my 'no' is better if possible but will be very clear if it's required.
I'm lucky that when in the zone at a party I don't need Dutch courage so I don't need the crutch of booze. Much better to have a couple of beers the next night watching a film and smiling with theflashbacks of the previous nights antics (being sober I remember it all) "
I would be the same. I avoided d*unk people at socials and parties. I never needed alcohol to make me less socially awkward and I prefer to be in control of my actions and thoughts. Although if I'm out with friends alcohol just guarantees that I will slip into a deep conversation or wander off to a corner where I will be dancing by myself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One of the main reasons why I tend not to drink at parties or if I do I limit myself. Socials I'm more likely to drink a bit.
I've had too many ladies with too much drink not quite reading the signals at parties and socials... Or indeed seen too many d*unk guys make a move on a lady when it's not wanted etc. Much easier to be aware of your own surroundings and be able to act accordingly when sober. I find being less direct in my 'no' is better if possible but will be very clear if it's required.
I'm lucky that when in the zone at a party I don't need Dutch courage so I don't need the crutch of booze. Much better to have a couple of beers the next night watching a film and smiling with the flashbacks of the previous nights antics (being sober I remember it all) "
Tbh the dysfunctional relationship many Irish people have with alcohol is the main reason we avoid the social and party scene here. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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https://www.rte.ie/lifestyle/living/2021/0730/1238222-how-to-say-no-if-youre-not-very-good-at-it/
Interesting article 'How to say No if you're not very good at it' |
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By *ilderMan
over a year ago
dublin |
"https://www.rte.ie/lifestyle/living/2021/0730/1238222-how-to-say-no-if-youre-not-very-good-at-it/
Interesting article 'How to say No if you're not very good at it'"
Thanks for that Madam, interesting article  |
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People should take no for a answer and except people choices and respect that.
If someone is either pressuring you or your feeling uncomfortable, then it’s time that person should leave. You don’t help yourself in that situation and respect the other party not willing to play |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"People should take no for a answer and except people choices and respect that.
If someone is either pressuring you or your feeling uncomfortable, then it’s time that person should leave. You don’t help yourself in that situation and respect the other party not willing to play "
Its sometimes a difficulty in saying no. not wanting to offend, appear rude, etc we can be overly polite and try to avoid instead of being direct.
but yes, sometimes people will ignore the clear no as well. |
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"People should take no for a answer and except people choices and respect that.
If someone is either pressuring you or your feeling uncomfortable, then it’s time that person should leave. You don’t help yourself in that situation and respect the other party not willing to play
Its sometimes a difficulty in saying no. not wanting to offend, appear rude, etc we can be overly polite and try to avoid instead of being direct.
but yes, sometimes people will ignore the clear no as well. "
so your in a party and someone asks you say no and once your involved in a play situation with others the one person you declined Joins in I would class that as assault |
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"People should take no for a answer and except people choices and respect that.
If someone is either pressuring you or your feeling uncomfortable, then it’s time that person should leave. You don’t help yourself in that situation and respect the other party not willing to play
Its sometimes a difficulty in saying no. not wanting to offend, appear rude, etc we can be overly polite and try to avoid instead of being direct.
but yes, sometimes people will ignore the clear no as well. so your in a party and someone asks you say no and once your involved in a play situation with others the one person you declined Joins in I would class that as assault "
I really want to go to the party's but this kinda situation is making me nervous |
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This is the main reason I don't generally get involved in the whole group chat or 1 on 1 buildup chat that happens preparty. It's easy to talk yourself into an awkward situation. If you fancy each other in person then you'll realise that on the night anyhow. |
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By *ilderMan
over a year ago
dublin |
"People should take no for a answer and except people choices and respect that.
If someone is either pressuring you or your feeling uncomfortable, then it’s time that person should leave. You don’t help yourself in that situation and respect the other party not willing to play
Its sometimes a difficulty in saying no. not wanting to offend, appear rude, etc we can be overly polite and try to avoid instead of being direct.
but yes, sometimes people will ignore the clear no as well. so your in a party and someone asks you say no and once your involved in a play situation with others the one person you declined Joins in I would class that as assault
I really want to go to the party's but this kinda situation is making me nervous "
I wouldn't let that put you off attending parties ran by good people. A good host should have vetted well but should check on any guests that may be newbies or nervous etc. Also fellow guests who meet a newbie at a party will hopefully look out for the person. I know I have in the past when required.
Mind you it's not just newbies that can find themselves in situations with pushy people so generally it's good to not be too d*unk to keep your wits about you whilst enjoying yourself |
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Sounds like a dangerous situation for a naive new comer.. Surrounded by d*unk and other 420 types.. I'd imagine consent is overlooked by virtue of the fact you are in attendance of 1 of these parties.. |
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"People should take no for a answer and except people choices and respect that.
If someone is either pressuring you or your feeling uncomfortable, then it’s time that person should leave. You don’t help yourself in that situation and respect the other party not willing to play
Its sometimes a difficulty in saying no. not wanting to offend, appear rude, etc we can be overly polite and try to avoid instead of being direct.
but yes, sometimes people will ignore the clear no as well. so your in a party and someone asks you say no and once your involved in a play situation with others the one person you declined Joins in I would class that as assault
I really want to go to the party's but this kinda situation is making me nervous
I wouldn't let that put you off attending parties ran by good people. A good host should have vetted well but should check on any guests that may be newbies or nervous etc. Also fellow guests who meet a newbie at a party will hopefully look out for the person. I know I have in the past when required.
Mind you it's not just newbies that can find themselves in situations with pushy people so generally it's good to not be too d*unk to keep your wits about you whilst enjoying yourself"
Thanks for the reassurance |
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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago
somewhere |
"Sounds like a dangerous situation for a naive new comer.. Surrounded by d*unk and other 420 types.. I'd imagine consent is overlooked by virtue of the fact you are in attendance of 1 of these parties.. "
Consent is never overlooked ....never for any reason |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"OP it might be worth role playing situations like the OH. Not the kinda sexy role play people normally go for but it can be very useful. "
This ain't a half bad idea in fairness. No should always be respected as such and no one should ever have to make excuses or be put in any uncomfortable position for not wanting to engage with other person/persons. We all know it's the unwritten rule that no means no but its the "ah come on it'll be fun" or "You know want to" when things start to go south and not in a very nice way.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye and then all hell breaks loose.
I don't have an answer or a solution ppl will always be ppl and I think it will always be there so it's good to have something in place that works for you when that time comes where you want to say no and get it off a situation your not interested in .
It's always worth noting that this happens to both male and females
Anyways ...stay safe always |
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"Sounds like a dangerous situation for a naive new comer.. Surrounded by d*unk and other 420 types.. I'd imagine consent is overlooked by virtue of the fact you are in attendance of 1 of these parties..
Consent is never overlooked ....never for any reason "
Oh but it is.. Others have said they were pestered and followed around in the hope of sex.. A polite no was ignored.. Add alcohol and other substances would only make it worse.. |
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Parties are a mixed bag, that's why they can be quite clicky. We have attended only two so far.
Our first was early on in our swinging life. It was a bit of a shock, seeing everyone dress down early on í (Terry) was very nervous.
Luckily enough the couple who had invited us kinda held our hands a wee bit. Tina pulled a muscle mid cum early on and we made our excuses an left.
Their was one cpl that Tina didn't fancy and although they asked once or twice to play Tina declined and that was that.
Later on they were down stairs and we chatted away, had a drink and a laugh whilst waiting on our taxi.
That's how it should be.
We never felt uncomfortable or bad vibe from refusing play and the night was fantastic up until Tinas accident.
Moral of the story party scene is great but it all depends on the guests.
Hope all your parties turn out a bit better than your last xx Terry |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
"Sounds like a dangerous situation for a naive new comer.. Surrounded by d*unk and other 420 types.. I'd imagine consent is overlooked by virtue of the fact you are in attendance of 1 of these parties..
Consent is never overlooked ....never for any reason "
No it shouldn't ever be over looked but some seem to think that because you at at a group situation then you're up for well to put it bluntly fucking anyone there. That's what happened to me it was never discussed beforehand and I was ended up in a situation I felt very uncomfortable in and after saying no twice and being pursued again a 3rd time by the same person in my head I actually thought for a second rather than causing this awkwardness should I just go ahead and get it over with but thank God I didn't as it would have been something I would have forever regretted .He was actually the host as well which made things even more awkward and I know the others there weren't too happy that I wouldn't .
If someone says no that should be the end of it but sadly in some situations people try and push and ignore that.
It has really put me off going to any events alone again but I'm glad I had the confidence to say no and stick to it rather than give into peer pressure . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A simple your not for me should be enough. If they come back a second time a more firm no and and a please don’t ask or approach again. Anything else get him/her put out of the party. |
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Let me be clear, at no point did we feel unsafe as I said before it was our communication that was at fault. We lacked the confidence to say no outright. We were afraid they might not take it well.. but We didn't give them the binifit of the doubt. We just want to make sure WE make better decisions next time. Because we will go to more parties and want to make sure we have a great time with people we enjoy. It is very much a learning curve & I always think it is good to reflect on the good, the not so good things in life & learn from them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Let me be clear, at no point did we feel unsafe as I said before it was our communication that was at fault. We lacked the confidence to say no outright. We were afraid they might not take it well.. but We didn't give them the binifit of the doubt. We just want to make sure WE make better decisions next time. Because we will go to more parties and want to make sure we have a great time with people we enjoy. It is very much a learning curve & I always think it is good to reflect on the good, the not so good things in life & learn from them. "
I understand. Fabbing can be a steep learning curve, but most people find it increases confidence. Developing assertiveness skills and boundary awareness is a big part of it.
xx
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
"Let me be clear, at no point did we feel unsafe as I said before it was our communication that was at fault. We lacked the confidence to say no outright. We were afraid they might not take it well.. but We didn't give them the binifit of the doubt. We just want to make sure WE make better decisions next time. Because we will go to more parties and want to make sure we have a great time with people we enjoy. It is very much a learning curve & I always think it is good to reflect on the good, the not so good things in life & learn from them.
I understand. Fabbing can be a steep learning curve, but most people find it increases confidence. Developing assertiveness skills and boundary awareness is a big part of it.
xx
"
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"Let me be clear, at no point did we feel unsafe as I said before it was our communication that was at fault. We lacked the confidence to say no outright. We were afraid they might not take it well.. but We didn't give them the binifit of the doubt. We just want to make sure WE make better decisions next time. Because we will go to more parties and want to make sure we have a great time with people we enjoy. It is very much a learning curve & I always think it is good to reflect on the good, the not so good things in life & learn from them.
I understand. Fabbing can be a steep learning curve, but most people find it increases confidence. Developing assertiveness skills and boundary awareness is a big part of it.
xx
"
Ya 100%. I suppose we had been off the "hook up" scene for so long, as we are together 17 years, and you do loose the confidences you once had but I am finding a whole other new kind of confidence. To be honest on the whole it has been a fantastic experience & we as a couple are communicating in a way we never had before & learning so much more about each other. |
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Only ever been to one party about 3 years ago. I was a complete newbie and had no idea about etiquette or expectations and didn't know anyone there apart from the woman who invited me.
They were all close friends who had known each other for years but they made me feel very welcome and it was all relaxed and no pressure at all.
A couple turned up on the night and left after an hour citing the fact that everyone was too friendly and relaxed in each others company as their reason for leaving.
They said they expected the thrill of everyone meeting strangers with no holds or holes barred and the party would be boring otherwise.
Each to their own but I'm not sure how common this would be as that was my only experience. |
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100% & that was completely my bad..as had been chatting to these people online & had good vibes from them but it was very much their physical presents gave me the heebie jeebies... just an energy thing really, can't quite explain it...but I can see how I gave them the impression I was up for stuff while chatting online & it was childish of me not to be straight forword. Thanks for everyone's input. It is great to be able to talk it out ourselves and have input from others to make sure we get it "righter" the next time & it has deffo made me more aware of innuendos and how, what I perceived as innocent flirting can be taken. "
This is a fear of mine as well - people do take things you say via text as intent to do those things in person.
Tbh I would STILL say that assumption is that person's fault and not yours, because consent is ongoing - you can withdraw it or change your mind at any time. People leaning on 'well you SAID' is kind of shitty and manipulative in my opinion.
Unfortunately though, it does end up falling to the individual to be more cautious and not "lead people on" or be a "tease"... Even though I totally reject that concept, it's ultimately a safety concern to ensure someone doesn't expect something from you and then get angry when you're not up for that.
It does result in seeming like an absolute dry shite when getting to know someone though, when you have to constantly be like 'I like XYZ in general but it totally depends on the chemistry when we meet' and 'I'm open to that but no guarantees until we've met' etc etc. But I've been in the opposite situation too many times to risk it anymore. |
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By *etergemmaCouple
over a year ago
South Dublin Area |
If you find there's a clique at a party. You are either at the wrong party or you are the problem.
Most people on the scene dont want to be part of a clique, they constantly want to meet new people for obvious reasons.
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By *issusWoman
over a year ago
Belfast |
"
100% & that was completely my bad..as had been chatting to these people online & had good vibes from them but it was very much their physical presents gave me the heebie jeebies... just an energy thing really, can't quite explain it...but I can see how I gave them the impression I was up for stuff while chatting online & it was childish of me not to be straight forword. Thanks for everyone's input. It is great to be able to talk it out ourselves and have input from others to make sure we get it "righter" the next time & it has deffo made me more aware of innuendos and how, what I perceived as innocent flirting can be taken.
This is a fear of mine as well - people do take things you say via text as intent to do those things in person.
Tbh I would STILL say that assumption is that person's fault and not yours, because consent is ongoing - you can withdraw it or change your mind at any time. People leaning on 'well you SAID' is kind of shitty and manipulative in my opinion.
Unfortunately though, it does end up falling to the individual to be more cautious and not "lead people on" or be a "tease"... Even though I totally reject that concept, it's ultimately a safety concern to ensure someone doesn't expect something from you and then get angry when you're not up for that.
It does result in seeming like an absolute dry shite when getting to know someone though, when you have to constantly be like 'I like XYZ in general but it totally depends on the chemistry when we meet' and 'I'm open to that but no guarantees until we've met' etc etc. But I've been in the opposite situation too many times to risk it anymore. "
I can relate to it hence why I'm not open to any kind of sex talk on fab with people I've never met.
It's not because I don't potentially want to have sex with the person I'm about to meet, but because I don't want them to have any expectations. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Let me be clear, at no point did we feel unsafe as I said before it was our communication that was at fault. We lacked the confidence to say no outright. We were afraid they might not take it well.. but We didn't give them the binifit of the doubt. We just want to make sure WE make better decisions next time. Because we will go to more parties and want to make sure we have a great time with people we enjoy. It is very much a learning curve & I always think it is good to reflect on the good, the not so good things in life & learn from them.
I understand. Fabbing can be a steep learning curve, but most people find it increases confidence. Developing assertiveness skills and boundary awareness is a big part of it.
xx
Ya 100%. I suppose we had been off the "hook up" scene for so long, as we are together 17 years, and you do loose the confidences you once had but I am finding a whole other new kind of confidence. To be honest on the whole it has been a fantastic experience & we as a couple are communicating in a way we never had before & learning so much more about each other. "
Thats fantastic to hear.  |
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"
I can relate to it hence why I'm not open to any kind of sex talk on fab with people I've never met.
It's not because I don't potentially want to have sex with the person I'm about to meet, but because I don't want them to have any expectations. "
1000%, plus in my experience, many guys who want to sext and trade pics ONLY want to do that and will string you along for ages with no intention of meeting! |
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By *ilderMan
over a year ago
dublin |
"If you find there's a clique at a party. You are either at the wrong party or you are the problem.
Most people on the scene dont want to be part of a clique, they constantly want to meet new people for obvious reasons.
"
Fully agree, often people arrive at a party or social and if they see a group there know eachother they don't try hard enough to include themselves in the conversation. Mind you a good host should help with the introductions. What can seem as a clique to some can be a welcoming group if you just chat. |
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