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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Better grasp of it then me bb lol
And was a bitta craic naughtydude. Did realise some are all talk and no bollox and yes life gets in the way etc but a mail would of at least been nice from people. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman has sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment her husband has lost interest in sex.
The doctors replied "All we did was correct his eyesight!!!"  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
The Journalist then asked: "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to the f***ing wall."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Beautiful night prayer, . . . Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my shape to keep. Please no wrinkles, Please no bags And please lift my bum before it sags. Please no age spots, Please no grey And as for my belly, Please take it away. Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young, and thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done..Ahhhhhhhhhhhh Men |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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if only all men were like mobile phones, you could.....
1. choose the package that appeals to you most,
2. pick the size and features you really wanted,
3. upgrade to a newer model after 12,18 or 24 months,
4. set them to vibrate at all times....and.....
5. put dem on silent mode when dey do your head in!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"if only all men were like mobile phones, you could.....
1. choose the package that appeals to you most,
2. pick the size and features you really wanted,
3. upgrade to a newer model after 12,18 or 24 months,
4. set them to vibrate at all times....and.....
5. put dem on silent mode when dey do your head in!!! "
OMG I want one!!!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
**************************** Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
**************************** Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?""
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal..
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
"No, love," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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WOMENS LONELY HEARTS ADS
What they really mean:
ADVENTUROUS = Slut
ATHLETIC = No tits
30 SOMETHING = 41
FUN = Annoying
WILD = Gets pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a fucking nutter
NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny
HEADSTRONG = Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic
CURVY = Fat cunt
CUDDLY = Fat cunt
LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat cunt
LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat cunt |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
WOMENS LONELY HEARTS ADS
What they really mean:
ADVENTUROUS = Slut
ATHLETIC = No tits
30 SOMETHING = 41
FUN = Annoying
WILD = Gets pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a fucking nutter
NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny
HEADSTRONG = Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic
CURVY = Fat cunt
CUDDLY = Fat cunt
LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat cunt
LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat cunt"
Yes some of those are so real!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman goes to the doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?"
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home d*unk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home d*unk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...what's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went to the graveyard yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave when I noticed 4 gravediggers walking around with a coffin
3 hours later they were still waking around with it and I thought to myself they have lost the plot |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife has been missing for a week now
The police have told me to prepare for the worst
So I've been back to the charity shop to take back her feckin clothes |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman answers the phone one evening
(male voice) "I bet you've got a shaved tight arse."
(woman) "yes he's sitting next to me, would you like to speak to him?" |
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WHEN ASKED ABOUT HOW THE GREENS KEEPER AT ANFIELD KEPT THE PITCH SO LUSH AND GREEN WAY WAY MORE GREENER THAN ANY OTHER CLUB IN THE PREMIERSHIP . THE ANSWER GIVEN BY THE KEEPER WAS SIMPLE "ITS EASY EXTRA WATERING FOR A START AND EVERY 2ND SATURDAY I SPREAD £200 MILLION POUNDS OF SHIT ALL OVER THE PITCH |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
P***ed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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DATING IN THE 60s
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It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? tea?'
'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably watch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe take a walk on the beach.'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows raised.
'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the ....Twist!'
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin?. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Down at the end of the bar, an old d*unk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender approached the d*unk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why r u calling her a ballerina?' The d*unk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I took the wife to a disco at the weekend.
There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said,
"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said,
"Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. But he was born without ears.
Johnny & his mum went to visit the baby, but Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or he'd be spanked!! Johnny looked in the cot & said,
"What a lovely baby.... Lovely feet, hands & skin.... Hows his eyesight?"
The baby's mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied,
"Thats good cos he'd be Fucked if he needed glasses!!"
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