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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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To give us all a giggle today I thought we could indulge each other in silly little jokes that are either old or daft but never fail to make us laugh. I’ll start:
I was in court the other and the judge had no thumbs. He was called Justice Fingers!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I said to my friend earlier I'm staying in and watching that 'Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels' tonight.
"What", he said, "with Jason Statham and Vinnie Jones?"
"No", I said, "just by myself". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"walks into the pub, raises two fingers and says:
Five beers for the lads from the saw mill!"
A Roman walks into the pub, raises two fingers and says:
Five beers please. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A Man goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The sales person asks him....Do you want an aquarium?
The Man responds, "I don't care what star sign it is...  |
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"A Man goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The sales person asks him....Do you want an aquarium?
The Man responds, "I don't care what star sign it is... "
Wonder tis that the same man that entered the shop last summer looking to purchase a wasp.
The assistant replied sorri sir we have none for sale 
Customer replies yes you have two in the window.. |
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A woman had two pet monkeys. She loved them. But they died suddenly. So instead of burying them she goes to a taxidermist. The taxidermist says “do you want them mounted?” She goes “No. Just holding hands”. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a man with a shovel in his hand? Doug
What do you call a woman leaning against a wall? Eileen
What do you call a woman not leaning against a wall? Joleen
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call a man with a shovel in his hand? Doug
What do you call a woman leaning against a wall? Eileen
What do you call a woman not leaning against a wall? Joleen
"
What fo you call a woman standing between two houses?
Elaine |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man and his wife are woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is standing in the pouring rain.
"Excuse me mate", he asks, "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I don't suppose you could help me out - I need a push!
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, puts a coat over his dressing gown, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swings!" he replies |
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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago
somewhere |
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.
The teacher fainted. |
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The garda found over 2000 dead crows on M9 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with Trucks and Lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.
They then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of Lorry kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat on the motorway, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry". |
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I’m having pasta for dinner tonight as I’m feeling cannelloni 
