"Came to the realisation this weekend that I have been locking people out for years. Everyone in my life has been walled off and while they may bond with me, I won't seriously bond with them. I can talk and have fun, and really be enjoying myself with them, but I'm just there, maybe saying a few silly jokes, having a laugh, but I really don't allow myself to connect with them on a more personal level. I'm a partaker of friends and family, talking and responding, but it's always them having to pry me for more. I never make my own choice, or show the initiative.
I feel everything is normal, thinking the problem is just shyness, preferring privacy or keeping to myself, but the reality is that I don't care. I never know what they're going through, or what has happened in their life, unless others tell me or they tell me themselves, because I simply don't even think to ask. I'm not concerned with what happens. I may think i do, but that's just because I've convinced myself so much that I'm a nice caring helpful guy. I've tricked myself into thinking that with so much zeal that I really didn't recognise til now that I am very well acting like a sociopath.
In comparison, I used to be a serious empath, constantly fretting and worrying about people, not just around me but everywhere, wishing their lives could be better. Drove myself mad with guilt for how much better off I was, and easy I had it, when so many struggled just to get through another day. I did have mental health issues then too, sometimes based around my own shyness, but mostly with how upset I was with how the world was unfair. I had many bouts and relapses, from early teens into 20s, and ended up having a nervous breakdown in 2014 for very related reasons. I did recover from that eventually, but not realising I was missing a very vital part. Next few years were much easier, and I told myself that the reason I was happier was because I'd learned to not fret too much about things we can't change, but the real reason is that I lost my ability to empathise at all, and while I still felt things and liked people, this crucial part of me was missing and I couldn't really allow myself to let them in.
And sorry for the ramble. This is one of those epiphanies that you come to realise with mind opening substances."
Very deep OP. Firstly I'd like to say I admire that you have been so open and honest with your thoughts and feelings. That takes a lot of courage, especially on this kind of platform. So for that I commend you.
I can definitely relate to most of what you have talked about.
You're certainly not a sociopath and your post is proof of that.
You mentioned the word sociopath and you also mentioned the word empath. One word that wasn't mentioned in your post is pessimism.
I can entirely relate to the feelings you have described.
I can completely relate to that constant inward struggle of empathising, deeply caring and then also not giving a sh*t.
For years I would worry and fret about so many others and current affairs, the state of the world, sometimes to the brink of insanity.
Like yourself I put an emotional barrier and wall up and felt safer and more content behind it.
But then I realised, while there is nothing wrong with having that wall or barrier I had built it too high.
Even though it may be daunting to genuinely care, the best feeling in the world is laughter and kindness but it's about knowing who deserves that love and who doesn't.
If I can see that people are good or that I can make any kind of difference I'll give it my all and be that empath but if I see that something is pointless then I won't spend the time or energy on it. And even though that can be saddening it is a harsh reality in life that we just have to accept but putting that wall up just makes it worse.
We can't change the entire world but we can change someone's world. Don't worry about what roads lay ahead but consider if the footprints you are leaving behind are ones that others might want to walk in. If you can do that and smile then you're definitely on the right track. I genuinely hope all will be well for you. Best wishes bud.
To the other guy that posted just before me:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me several times, well then that is definitely a weather forecaster in Ireland.
Peace and love.
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