My brother sent me the following excerpt from a book written by a German psychoanalyst back in November. I translated the text to English and adjusted accordingly though have recently researched the excerpt and my belief is the original may have been written in English.
This text touched me deeply at the time as I was going through lots of personal issues...I can imagine that most of us will see an element in here that we recognise at one point or another in our life... a friend flagged this post I put out last winter on social media, making me look over the text again – ironic with the times we are living in now!!!
The Mask – excerpt from Von der Schwierigkeit zu lieben (Of the difficulty to love) by Tobias Brocher
Please hear what I am not saying!
Do not be fooled by me. Do not be fooled by the faces I make. I wear a thousand masks - masks I am afraid to take off. And I am none of them.
Pretending is an art that has become second nature to me. But do not be fooled by it, for heaven's sake, do not be fooled by me.
I make the impression that I am sociable, that everything is sunny and cheerful in me, inside and out, as though my name is trust and my game is cool, as though I am still water and as though I can control everything, as if I needed no-one.
But do not believe me!
My appearance may seem confident, but it is my mask. Underneath it, I am what I really am: confused, in fear and alone. But I hide that. I do not want anyone to notice. Just thinking about my weaknesses scares me and I am afraid to expose myself to others. That is precisely why I am desperately creating masks that I can hide behind: a casual, intelligent facade that helps me to feign what I am not, which protects me from the knowing look that would recognize me. But this look would be my salvation. And I know it. If it were from someone who accepts and loves me. That is the only thing that would give me the confidence that I cannot give myself: that I am really worth something.
But I will not tell you that. I do not dare. I am afraid of it. I am afraid that your gaze will not be accompanied by acceptance and love. I am afraid you will think little of me and laugh at me. And your laughter would kill me. I am afraid that deep inside of myself I am worth nothing, and that you will see that and that you will reject me.
That is how I play my game, my desperate game: a safe facade outside and a trembling child inside. I therefore speak in the usual tone of superficial chatter. I tell you everything that is really nothing and none of what is real, that which screams inside of me; so do not be fooled by what I talk about out of habit.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am NOT saying, what I would so like to say, what I need to say to survive but what I cannot say. I loathe this hide-and-seek game, I am acting out. It is a superficial, fake game. I want to be able to be real and spontaneous, just be myself, but you will have to help me. You will have to reach out, even if it seems to be the last thing I want. Only you can kick me back to life. Every time you are kind and good and encouraging, every time you try to understand because you care about me, my heart gets wings - very small wings, very fragile wings, but wings!
Your sense and the strength of your understanding give me life. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how much you can make me the person I really am - if you want.
Please, I wished, you wanted it. You can tear down the wall I am trembling behind. You alone can take off my mask, you alone can free me from my shadow world, from my fears and insecurities, my loneliness. Do not overlook me. Please do not ignore me! It will not be easy for you. The long-lasting conviction of being worthless creates thick walls. The closer you come to me, the more blindly I strike back. I resist what I am screaming for. But I was told that love is stronger than any protective wall and I hope for that.
Who am I, you want to know?
I am someone you know well. Because I am everyone you meet, every man, every woman, every child.
Kinky temptress  |
Interesting piece 
