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jokes

By *og-Man OP Man over a year ago

somewhere

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

He said ‘Nope.. just when it's raining.'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Penis at work.

I , the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

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By *og-Man OP Man over a year ago

somewhere

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his Trip."Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to Visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his Dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, And that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special Recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile slowly crept across his face as he said,

"You fuckers are my kind of people!!..!!!!

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By *ndrew1972Man over a year ago

Roscrea

A farmer is chatting tk the local priest when his 6yr old son comes running over shouting "Daddy, Daddy, the bull is riding one of the cows". "Be quiet" replies his father. "But Daddy, the bull is riding one of the cows"

"I said be quiet"

After the priest had left the farmer said to his son "don't ever use that kind of language again, you could've said the bull was surprising one of the cows"

A few days later the farmer is chatting to the priest again & the son comes running "Daddy Daddy, the bull is surprising all the cows". The farmer says you mean he is surprising ONE of the cows". No Daddy, he's surprising all the cows". "Son, the bull couldn't be surprising all the cows at the same time".

"Yes he is, he's riding a donkey"!

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By *ichael McCarthyMan over a year ago

Lucan

"A farmer is chatting tk the local priest when his 6yr old son comes running over shouting "Daddy, Daddy, the bull is riding one of the cows". "Be quiet" replies his father. "But Daddy, the bull is riding one of the cows"

"I said be quiet"

After the priest had left the farmer said to his son "don't ever use that kind of language again, you could've said the bull was surprising one of the cows"

"Yes he is, he's riding a donkey"! "

10/10

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By *ealitybitesMan over a year ago

Belfast

A man goes bear hunting for the first time. Kits himself out with all the best gear and heads out looking for his target.

A few hours later he is suddenly attacked by a grizzly who tears him to pieces, wrecks all his gear and shoves his brand new rifle up his arse.

Months later when he recovers he decides to try again.

Gears up and off he goes.

He is so engrossed in tracking the bear that it is once again able to sneak up on him and pulverise him while throwing all his expensive equipment into a lake and once again violating him anally with his rifle.

A year later and still carrying the scars he makes a third attempt.

After 3 days of tracking he finds the bears hideout and is hiding behind a tree waiting to pounce when he gets a tap on his shoulder.

He turns around and there's the bear towering above him and before he can react the bear opens his mouth and speaks.

" You're not really here for the hunting are you buddy?"

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