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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I need some helpful advice.....
I have a female “friend” (don’t ask, it’s a long and messy story).....
Anyway, she has been the most sympathetic, understanding, helpful, loving, caring, amazing woman I have ever met. I have felt that I could tell her anything and she would take the information in, process it and always come up with a positive solution to any problem or issue........... until now and the menopause.
She has turned into a hateful, hurtful unlovable witch! She is not nice to talk to, she is short tempered, judgmental and just not a very nice person who has slowly, but surely chipped and chipped away at our friendship which has lasted a decade.
Has anyone else here experienced this with someone they greatly care about and, if so, what or who helped you? I’m at my wits end as anything and everything I say about any topic or subject we talk about is taken out of context and she rips into me like a days work.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated |
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"I need some helpful advice.....
I have a female “friend” (don’t ask, it’s a long and messy story).....
Anyway, she has been the most sympathetic, understanding, helpful, loving, caring, amazing woman I have ever met. I have felt that I could tell her anything and she would take the information in, process it and always come up with a positive solution to any problem or issue........... until now and the menopause.
She has turned into a hateful, hurtful unlovable witch! She is not nice to talk to, she is short tempered, judgmental and just not a very nice person who has slowly, but surely chipped and chipped away at our friendship which has lasted a decade.
Has anyone else here experienced this with someone they greatly care about and, if so, what or who helped you? I’m at my wits end as anything and everything I say about any topic or subject we talk about is taken out of context and she rips into me like a days work.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated "
I hope this isn't a passive aggressive dig at someone who could see this post. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I need some helpful advice.....
I have a female “friend” (don’t ask, it’s a long and messy story).....
Anyway, she has been the most sympathetic, understanding, helpful, loving, caring, amazing woman I have ever met. I have felt that I could tell her anything and she would take the information in, process it and always come up with a positive solution to any problem or issue........... until now and the menopause.
She has turned into a hateful, hurtful unlovable witch! She is not nice to talk to, she is short tempered, judgmental and just not a very nice person who has slowly, but surely chipped and chipped away at our friendship which has lasted a decade.
Has anyone else here experienced this with someone they greatly care about and, if so, what or who helped you? I’m at my wits end as anything and everything I say about any topic or subject we talk about is taken out of context and she rips into me like a days work.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
I hope this isn't a passive aggressive dig at someone who could see this post."
The person I am asking advice about is neither a member here or has ever or will never be a member here.
This is a genuine post asking for genuine advice not silly, unhelpful judgements! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Are you sure menopause itself is the issue?
Sometimes undergoing life changes can make us more conscious of ageing in general and whether we are where we want to be in life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Give her some space for a while. I’m not saying you are but some friends drain a lot from a person and she has nothing more to give for a bit. Just stand back and take a break and stop trying to fix her. It sounds like you are fixing her for yourself in your post |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Are you sure menopause itself is the issue?
Sometimes undergoing life changes can make us more conscious of ageing in general and whether we are where we want to be in life."
You make a very, very interesting point here! Yes, this person has has a lot of very serious changes in her life over the past 10 years which were completely unexpected and knocked her for six and she recently turned 50 which has also had a detrimental effect on her but her doctor has diagnosed her as going through the menopause, obviously based on her period becoming more irregular and almost stopped but she refuses to take any steroid based medication |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I
This is a genuine post asking for genuine advice not silly, unhelpful judgements!"
Pretty sure you're the judgemental one here. Bitching about your "friend" on the internet... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Are you sure menopause itself is the issue?
Sometimes undergoing life changes can make us more conscious of ageing in general and whether we are where we want to be in life.
You make a very, very interesting point here! Yes, this person has has a lot of very serious changes in her life over the past 10 years which were completely unexpected and knocked her for six and she recently turned 50 which has also had a detrimental effect on her but her doctor has diagnosed her as going through the menopause, obviously based on her period becoming more irregular and almost stopped but she refuses to take any steroid based medication "
Ok, well there are lots of lifestyle changes and alternative therapies which can help, it's trial and error. There is a site called Menopause Matters which gives lots of useful,practical advice. It could become a means of taking a look at overall health and tweaks she could make.
Some people (male and female) struggle with milestone birthdays, we live in a society that values youth and beauty, women in particular can start to feel invisible as they get older. Even kids becoming adults or leaving home can trigger a feeling of being redundant. A mindset change might be required, middle age and menopause don't mean the end of life, instead can be a whole new time of freedom from responsibility for others.
There could be a lot of complex issues at play here. Not to get at you, OP, but you spoke of her being supportive and understanding, is there a chance this was all one way? Menopause means a reduction in the "caring" hormones, she may be feeling less nurturing and more selfish (for want of a better word), and your troubles may just be draining her.
Would she consider counselling? It's a safe confidential space tp explore her own feelings, sometimes it's hard to share them with those close to us without them taking things personally or bringing their own agenda into it.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Galway dom above has also made a valid point, maybe she needs space, you can't fix people. She may just have to figure it out for herself, while knowing you are there if she needs support. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would sit your friend down and explain how you're feeling. Tell them some of the concerns you have for them but make sure to make the point that it has had an effect on you too.
I would make sure to end it with assuring them you'll be the kind, caring person for them as they were to you but note that they should take some steps towards becoming more balanced and youd be happy to try whatever new experience with them for support.
Simple things like the gym to release endorphins, weekly walks or runs to new places around your area. A simple once a week lunch to treat yourselfs etc. (Coronavirus noted)
There can be so many things for her to try she might just need a boost and some support.
This is what my aunt was approached with during menopause and it made such a difference. Shes turned into a more happy and active person. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I
This is a genuine post asking for genuine advice not silly, unhelpful judgements!
Pretty sure you're the judgemental one here. Bitching about your "friend" on the internet..."
You accuse me of bitching about my friend on the internet yet you’re bitching about me on the internet??? The whole point of the forums is to share experiences and ask for help and advice if you choose to do so.
Thanks to the ones who have given very positive and helpful advice. I have taken this advice onboard and acted on it and decided to take a big step back to give her space to deal with her current issues and have assured her that if she wants or needs any help that I would be there in anyway I can. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I
You accuse me of bitching about my friend on the internet yet you’re bitching about me on the internet??? The whole point of the forums is to share experiences and ask for help and advice if you choose to do so.
"
I wasn't bitching about you. Bitching is done behind someone's back. I was giving out to you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The word's you use to describe your 'friend' such as kind,caring helpful,sympathetic imply that she has been there for you or other's through difficult situations? Maybe I'm wrong. But maybe she got fed up of being there for other's and need's you as her friend to be there for her now, regardless of what she is going through. Plus this lockdown has added extra stress and pressure on people that may already have been going through a hard time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like a pretty drastic turnaround OP...
Is there a chance there is more behind it?
As you said your history with her is long and messy?
Maybe circumstances have changed or become too much for her? |
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By *oseredWoman
over a year ago
Dublin |
Have you considered the possibilty that these negatives are not menopause or age related at all?
Menopause doesn't cause that dramatic a personality change in the vast majority. Nor is medication always the solution.
For most people (men and women) tolerance levels shift and lessen towards certain behaviours and people. She may have just gotten fed up solving other peoples problems.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I need some helpful advice.....
I have a female “friend” (don’t ask, it’s a long and messy story).....
Anyway, she has been the most sympathetic, understanding, helpful, loving, caring, amazing woman I have ever met. I have felt that I could tell her anything and she would take the information in, process it and always come up with a positive solution to any problem or issue........... until now and the menopause.
She has turned into a hateful, hurtful unlovable witch! She is not nice to talk to, she is short tempered, judgmental and just not a very nice person who has slowly, but surely chipped and chipped away at our friendship which has lasted a decade.
Has anyone else here experienced this with someone they greatly care about and, if so, what or who helped you? I’m at my wits end as anything and everything I say about any topic or subject we talk about is taken out of context and she rips into me like a days work.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated "
Well I'd say your asking in the right place because half the ladies here are showing signs of going through the same thing. |
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"I need some helpful advice.....
I have a female “friend” (don’t ask, it’s a long and messy story).....
Anyway, she has been the most sympathetic, understanding, helpful, loving, caring, amazing woman I have ever met. I have felt that I could tell her anything and she would take the information in, process it and always come up with a positive solution to any problem or issue........... until now and the menopause.
She has turned into a hateful, hurtful unlovable witch! She is not nice to talk to, she is short tempered, judgmental and just not a very nice person who has slowly, but surely chipped and chipped away at our friendship which has lasted a decade.
Has anyone else here experienced this with someone they greatly care about and, if so, what or who helped you? I’m at my wits end as anything and everything I say about any topic or subject we talk about is taken out of context and she rips into me like a days work.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated Well I'd say your asking in the right place because half the ladies here are showing signs of going through the same thing. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes quite a lot of women have a really tough time going though the menopause. Some become of them become cranky and curmudgeonly aul dragons.
But I've seen women who were previously very high strung drama queen's, who mellowed out enormously and became very laid back and easy-going after they went through the menopause.
Some women tend to go through a second adolescence during the menopause. As their estrogen levels diminish, their testosterone levels increase. I've seen women who were previously fairly conservative blossom into wild and wanton sluts who were incredible fun to hang out with.
So once your friend goes through her menopause, she may revert to her old self, or change completely. I guess it has a different effect on every women's personality. |
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I'd be giving her space if it was me op, either for your own sanity or hers. 