FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Club Discussion > I can't believe I did it again
I can't believe I did it again
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I ended up shutting down again 3 hours into the evening during my second visit at Cupids.
I thought I was doing well having a chat and a laugh during my visit but as it got busier, I felt like I couldn't find anyone to talk to and it made me feel isolated and a little upset. I tried looking round but ended up shutting down while I was looking round.
I would like to thank S for giving me some support telling me that I did well going to Cupids again which helped cheer me up.
I sure hope that on my next visit, it will be a good evening without me feeling down
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It sounds like you have some anxiety issues, maybe try going to the social event that amour does on a sunday so you are a bit more at ease and there is no worry about playing so you can ease into things a bit more! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It sounds like you have some anxiety issues, maybe try going to the social event that amour does on a sunday so you are a bit more at ease and there is no worry about playing so you can ease into things a bit more! "
Thanks for the help. I will have to find a social during a week though as I'm busy on weekends really |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It sounds like you have some anxiety issues, maybe try going to the social event that amour does on a sunday so you are a bit more at ease and there is no worry about playing so you can ease into things a bit more!
Thanks for the help. I will have to find a social during a week though as I'm busy on weekends really "
You might get a group social somewhere as not many clubs do them. Tbh when I went to cupids i felt like that, it wasnt a great atmosphere and didnt really feel that encouraged to play or talk to people, maybe try a few other clubs or try and find an fb then when you know each other a bit go to a club together and you have the support from her |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I ended up shutting down again 3 hours into the evening during my second visit at Cupids.
I thought I was doing well having a chat and a laugh during my visit but as it got busier, I felt like I couldn't find anyone to talk to and it made me feel isolated and a little upset. I tried looking round but ended up shutting down while I was looking round.
Give yourself a break mate. You are braver than me, I've never been to a club! It's stressful enough being on here 'exposing oneself' so to speak! Try to relax and realise most people there are probably feeling the same as you
I would like to thank S for giving me some support telling me that I did well going to Cupids again which helped cheer me up.
I sure hope that on my next visit, it will be a good evening without me feeling down
"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It sounds like you have some anxiety issues, maybe try going to the social event that amour does on a sunday so you are a bit more at ease and there is no worry about playing so you can ease into things a bit more!
Thanks for the help. I will have to find a social during a week though as I'm busy on weekends really
You might get a group social somewhere as not many clubs do them. Tbh when I went to cupids i felt like that, it wasnt a great atmosphere and didnt really feel that encouraged to play or talk to people, maybe try a few other clubs or try and find an fb then when you know each other a bit go to a club together and you have the support from her "
I'll do what I can to look into it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Oops! I put my comment in the middle of the quote! Sorry all!"
I found your comment and thanks. What seems to be my problem is I'll chat to people I know but when it comes to people I don't know, I just hit a brick wall and can't get passed it |
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I went to Cupids about 5 yrs ago, but it was a forum social and as I'm a social type of guy anyway I had a good night. I only live a 10 minute walk from the Attic and always find someone to talk to when I go there, it's not hard to strike up a conversation with someone as long as you don't appear too pushy   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Oops! I put my comment in the middle of the quote! Sorry all!
I found your comment and thanks. What seems to be my problem is I'll chat to people I know but when it comes to people I don't know, I just hit a brick wall and can't get passed it"
Try not to get fixated on thinking that you WILL hit a brick wall when you don't know a person, you are tricking your brain into shutting down and reacting to your fear. Just relax and try to think I don't know this person SO I'll ask some questions to get to know them and before you realise I'm sure you'll be having a flowing convo. Just try to re wire your thought process to not shutting down. Hope this helps! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It sounds like you have some anxiety issues, maybe try going to the social event that amour does on a sunday so you are a bit more at ease and there is no worry about playing so you can ease into things a bit more!
Thanks for the help. I will have to find a social during a week though as I'm busy on weekends really "
No3 have a social night every Thursday. You stay dressed and if you want to stay, it's dress down after 10pm |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Oops! I put my comment in the middle of the quote! Sorry all!
I found your comment and thanks. What seems to be my problem is I'll chat to people I know but when it comes to people I don't know, I just hit a brick wall and can't get passed it
Try not to get fixated on thinking that you WILL hit a brick wall when you don't know a person, you are tricking your brain into shutting down and reacting to your fear. Just relax and try to think I don't know this person SO I'll ask some questions to get to know them and before you realise I'm sure you'll be having a flowing convo. Just try to re wire your thought process to not shutting down. Hope this helps!"
With me having Aspergers, I have a problem following social cues and I find it hard to figure out what to say to people. It gets me down as it makes me feel like I can't have a good time if I can't talk to people |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Oops! I put my comment in the middle of the quote! Sorry all!
I found your comment and thanks. What seems to be my problem is I'll chat to people I know but when it comes to people I don't know, I just hit a brick wall and can't get passed it
Try not to get fixated on thinking that you WILL hit a brick wall when you don't know a person, you are tricking your brain into shutting down and reacting to your fear. Just relax and try to think I don't know this person SO I'll ask some questions to get to know them and before you realise I'm sure you'll be having a flowing convo. Just try to re wire your thought process to not shutting down. Hope this helps!
With me having Aspergers, I have a problem following social cues and I find it hard to figure out what to say to people. It gets me down as it makes me feel like I can't have a good time if I can't talk to people"
My son has aspergers so I know what you mean about not getting social cues but he also just talks to anyone about anything ...
You will be surprised that all it takes to strike up a conversation is a hello..
It works for me and I am very much an introvert .. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" 
Upset?
I sat in a corner somewhere trying not to cry. That's how upset I was"
I think if it makes you feel that way then maybe it's not for you. It's supposed to be fun. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
Upset?
I sat in a corner somewhere trying not to cry. That's how upset I was
I think if it makes you feel that way then maybe it's not for you. It's supposed to be fun. X"
I know that it's supposed to be fun and I do get enjoyment going but it's so hard to be able to socialize and it makes me feel left out.
I know I shouldn't blame my autism as it is a part of me but right now, I feel like it is a curse |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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For me, it is hard to make friends at social places. The reason why I go out so I can try is because I don't have any friends to hang out with and it does get me down not being able to socialize like everyone else and make new friends.
I'm scared that if I can't overcome my social anxieties, I'm gonna end up feeling more depressed to the point of killing myself. That's how bad it is now as I'm so fed up of being on my own :'-( |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I say good on you for making the effort! I remember my first time and I was terrified. It gets easier. I have found a good way to make it seem a little less daunting is to touch base beforehand with people who are going...you can normally see the threads in the forums and it makes it easier to say hi when you get there. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I say good on you for making the effort! I remember my first time and I was terrified. It gets easier. I have found a good way to make it seem a little less daunting is to touch base beforehand with people who are going...you can normally see the threads in the forums and it makes it easier to say hi when you get there."
Thanks. This was my second visit last night. I do feel proud going the first time as well as this one. It's just hard being on my own |
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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago
Filthy Fuckeryville |
"
Upset?
I sat in a corner somewhere trying not to cry. That's how upset I was"
I wish you had come and found me and I'd have taken you somewhere a little quieter for a chat x. I was dashing about like a good un last night with it being my birthday, otherwise I may have spotted you.
You are seriously brave facing a busy club and it was blummin busy last night! I've known people be a little overfaced sometimes without the battles you have on top.
If it happens again and I'm there PLEASE come tap me on the shoulder. You don't have to say anything - I'll know what you want and I'll try and ease your anxiety a little x |
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By *ilk_TreMan
over a year ago
Wherever the party is! |
"I ended up shutting down again 3 hours into the evening during my second visit at Cupids.
I thought I was doing well having a chat and a laugh during my visit but as it got busier, I felt like I couldn't find anyone to talk to and it made me feel isolated and a little upset. I tried looking round but ended up shutting down while I was looking round.
I would like to thank S for giving me some support telling me that I did well going to Cupids again which helped cheer me up.
I sure hope that on my next visit, it will be a good evening without me feeling down
"
Mate, I know EXACTLY what you're going through. I've been there. The short answer is: It gets better!
Good job for getting your ass out of the house! The next step is to take things at your own pace. Make friends slowly! Watch, ask questions, rap.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I say good on you for making the effort! I remember my first time and I was terrified. It gets easier. I have found a good way to make it seem a little less daunting is to touch base beforehand with people who are going...you can normally see the threads in the forums and it makes it easier to say hi when you get there.
Thanks. This was my second visit last night. I do feel proud going the first time as well as this one. It's just hard being on my own"
Take a step back.
Build up.your confidence chatting to people day to day.
Coffee shop.. That cake looks good ill have a piece..
Strike up.a conversation at work.
In the pub.
At a bus stop.
The fear of doing it is worse than doing it.
Small steps
.. Then bigger ones. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I say good on you for making the effort! I remember my first time and I was terrified. It gets easier. I have found a good way to make it seem a little less daunting is to touch base beforehand with people who are going...you can normally see the threads in the forums and it makes it easier to say hi when you get there.
Thanks. This was my second visit last night. I do feel proud going the first time as well as this one. It's just hard being on my own
Take a step back.
Build up.your confidence chatting to people day to day.
Coffee shop.. That cake looks good ill have a piece..
Strike up.a conversation at work.
In the pub.
At a bus stop.
The fear of doing it is worse than doing it.
Small steps
.. Then bigger ones."
Talking to people I know at work is easy. It's talking to people I don't know anywhere else which is difficult |
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By *ilk_TreMan
over a year ago
Wherever the party is! |
"I say good on you for making the effort! I remember my first time and I was terrified. It gets easier. I have found a good way to make it seem a little less daunting is to touch base beforehand with people who are going...you can normally see the threads in the forums and it makes it easier to say hi when you get there."
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By *ohohoWoman
over a year ago
Up North |
"Who am I kidding? Perhaps I'm just not cut out for socializing. Maybe I'm better off dead  "
That's not true
We are all different and that is what makes the world interesting. Everyone has different fears and anxieties. Don't put yourself down as you overcame the first hurdle by going alone. I have often sat by myself ( normally in a hot tub or sauna). I just use the time to relax.
Cupids is a good club with good staff. You chose well.
We are all allowed to feel down at times. But when there is a down a high will follow. Don't allow yourself to wallow. Look how many people have posted supporting you. I suspect your high will be sooner than you think.
Keep on smiling! You are winning this x
Have you spoken to your doctor about your anxiety? |
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It’s good to see all the non-judgemental help and support that you've received on this thread.
The complexities of Swinging are hard enough to navigate without the additional difficulties that you experience.
It may not be the place to invest all your time, energy and emotions.
It’s great that you've visited a club and made some good connections, as has been suggested, it would probably help you if you were able to work on making other connections outside of swinging, somewhere to practice social interaction without any pressure.
If you are having worrying thoughts, then Please speak to someone, G.P or The Samaritans (116 123)
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"Who am I kidding? Perhaps I'm just not cut out for socializing. Maybe I'm better off dead "
Why put yourself under that much pressure? If this is how it makes you feel, don't go or if you do, put a time limit on it. |
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Took me more than two visits to a swingers club to feel normal. My tips are go thinking nothing is happening tonight and anything else is a bonus. Chat to the bar staff and other single males as this takes the edge off. If chatting to a couple slow things down in your head to give yourself space to have a natural conversation. Rejection is par for the course so as others have said enjoy the evening as a whole and then things can develop. Sometimes a break from a club or trying a social is a better approach. Good luck. |
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Hey don't be hard on yourself Hunni - i was there last night n it was a very busy n a party night too!!
You were brave n need to praise yourself for going at all - and alone too!!
Maybe a quieter club night you might find it easier to chill n chat to others 
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"For me, it is hard to make friends at social places. The reason why I go out so I can try is because I don't have any friends to hang out with and it does get me down not being able to socialize like everyone else and make new friends.
I'm scared that if I can't overcome my social anxieties, I'm gonna end up feeling more depressed to the point of killing myself. That's how bad it is now as I'm so fed up of being on my own :'-("
You have numerous issues there, not only the Aspergers but depression, social anxiety & self harm.
Go easy on yourself sweet. I suffer with Aspergers, I'm great behind a screen as there's no expectation but going to a club is my idea of hell although I really want to go!
Set yourself realistic goals, is there a local munch near you? Arrange to meet one on one with a club goer so you have someone who will help with the conversations once there.
It does take time my lovely but you'll get there |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Upset?
I sat in a corner somewhere trying not to cry. That's how upset I was
I wish you had come and found me and I'd have taken you somewhere a little quieter for a chat x. I was dashing about like a good un last night with it being my birthday, otherwise I may have spotted you.
You are seriously brave facing a busy club and it was blummin busy last night! I've known people be a little overfaced sometimes without the battles you have on top.
If it happens again and I'm there PLEASE come tap me on the shoulder. You don't have to say anything - I'll know what you want and I'll try and ease your anxiety a little x"
What a lovely thing to say |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Upset?
I sat in a corner somewhere trying not to cry. That's how upset I was
I wish you had come and found me and I'd have taken you somewhere a little quieter for a chat x. I was dashing about like a good un last night with it being my birthday, otherwise I may have spotted you.
You are seriously brave facing a busy club and it was blummin busy last night! I've known people be a little overfaced sometimes without the battles you have on top.
If it happens again and I'm there PLEASE come tap me on the shoulder. You don't have to say anything - I'll know what you want and I'll try and ease your anxiety a little x"
Thank you Hanky. I do appreciate it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I want to thank everyone for the helpful advice here. It has brought a smile to my face knowing that I have so much support from friends here who are looking out for me  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I want to thank everyone for the helpful advice here. It has brought a smile to my face knowing that I have so much support from friends here who are looking out for me "
Google & read "desiderata" & take it in. We are all different in so many ways but all the same in so many others. Focus on your strengths. You are aware of things that make you different & that is a STRENGTH my friend. Keep faith in yourself - you are a child of the stars. B |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I want to thank everyone for the helpful advice here. It has brought a smile to my face knowing that I have so much support from friends here who are looking out for me
Google & read "desiderata" & take it in. We are all different in so many ways but all the same in so many others. Focus on your strengths. You are aware of things that make you different & that is a STRENGTH my friend. Keep faith in yourself - you are a child of the stars. B"
Thanks for the advice |
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By *reykiwi500Man
over a year ago
West Kent (near Tonbridge) |
"
Upset?
I sat in a corner somewhere trying not to cry. That's how upset I was
I wish you had come and found me and I'd have taken you somewhere a little quieter for a chat x. I was dashing about like a good un last night with it being my birthday, otherwise I may have spotted you.
You are seriously brave facing a busy club and it was blummin busy last night! I've known people be a little overfaced sometimes without the battles you have on top.
If it happens again and I'm there PLEASE come tap me on the shoulder. You don't have to say anything - I'll know what you want and I'll try and ease your anxiety a little x
What a lovely thing to say "
I second that
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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago
Filthy Fuckeryville |
"
Upset?
I sat in a corner somewhere trying not to cry. That's how upset I was
I wish you had come and found me and I'd have taken you somewhere a little quieter for a chat x. I was dashing about like a good un last night with it being my birthday, otherwise I may have spotted you.
You are seriously brave facing a busy club and it was blummin busy last night! I've known people be a little overfaced sometimes without the battles you have on top.
If it happens again and I'm there PLEASE come tap me on the shoulder. You don't have to say anything - I'll know what you want and I'll try and ease your anxiety a little x
Thank you Hanky. I do appreciate it"
No problem xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm suffering with anxiety aswell, it's absolutely horrible, I never have the confidence to go up to a lady in a club and start talking to her.
Luckily for me some have spoken to me first.
I used to be a regular at Chams, but at the moment i have no confidence to go there anymore.
I hope you get better OP, I know what your going through.
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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago
Filthy Fuckeryville |
"
Upset?
I sat in a corner somewhere trying not to cry. That's how upset I was
I wish you had come and found me and I'd have taken you somewhere a little quieter for a chat x. I was dashing about like a good un last night with it being my birthday, otherwise I may have spotted you.
You are seriously brave facing a busy club and it was blummin busy last night! I've known people be a little overfaced sometimes without the battles you have on top.
If it happens again and I'm there PLEASE come tap me on the shoulder. You don't have to say anything - I'll know what you want and I'll try and ease your anxiety a little x
What a lovely thing to say
I second that
"
Thank you - and to MissInnocent.
If I can ever make anyone feel more at ease then I always will x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm suffering with anxiety aswell, it's absolutely horrible, I never have the confidence to go up to a lady in a club and start talking to her.
Luckily for me some have spoken to me first.
I used to be a regular at Chams, but at the moment i have no confidence to go there anymore.
I hope you get better OP, I know what your going through.
"
Thank you very much. I do feel much better knowing that I have so many friends who have given their support on this thread |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jonathan!!!!!!!
I will PM you too having only just seen this post, but can I point out a couple of points:
1. You travelled into Manchester, stayed in an hotel on your own!
2. You again attended a very busy club on a very very busy night.
3. You initiated a conversation with me. (And my apologies for not being a TV/film buff).
4. You mingled in the social and bar area for most of the night.
5. You stood on the stage area and put yourself up for auction. Fundraising for a great cause.
Ok so more than a couple of points but come on my friend you are achieving so much. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Jonathan!!!!!!!
I will PM you too having only just seen this post, but can I point out a couple of points:
1. You travelled into Manchester, stayed in an hotel on your own!
2. You again attended a very busy club on a very very busy night.
3. You initiated a conversation with me. (And my apologies for not being a TV/film buff).
4. You mingled in the social and bar area for most of the night.
5. You stood on the stage area and put yourself up for auction. Fundraising for a great cause.
Ok so more than a couple of points but come on my friend you are achieving so much. "
Those are very interesting points. Thanks for pointing them out for me |
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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago
Filthy Fuckeryville |
"Jonathan!!!!!!!
I will PM you too having only just seen this post, but can I point out a couple of points:
1. You travelled into Manchester, stayed in an hotel on your own!
2. You again attended a very busy club on a very very busy night.
3. You initiated a conversation with me. (And my apologies for not being a TV/film buff).
4. You mingled in the social and bar area for most of the night.
5. You stood on the stage area and put yourself up for auction. Fundraising for a great cause.
Ok so more than a couple of points but come on my friend you are achieving so much.
Those are very interesting points. Thanks for pointing them out for me "
Hey - even I didn't dare get auctioned off! And the 6ft5 of man I was with hid when it was his turn! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Jonathan!!!!!!!
I will PM you too having only just seen this post, but can I point out a couple of points:
1. You travelled into Manchester, stayed in an hotel on your own!
2. You again attended a very busy club on a very very busy night.
3. You initiated a conversation with me. (And my apologies for not being a TV/film buff).
4. You mingled in the social and bar area for most of the night.
5. You stood on the stage area and put yourself up for auction. Fundraising for a great cause.
Ok so more than a couple of points but come on my friend you are achieving so much.
Those are very interesting points. Thanks for pointing them out for me
Hey - even I didn't dare get auctioned off! And the 6ft5 of man I was with hid when it was his turn! "
Yeah. I was glad to have taken part as it helped with the charity |
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