FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Club Discussion > Can I just ask...?
Can I just ask...?
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I went to a club recently and the most difficult thing for me was the etiquette (getting naked was the easy part).
I know everyone there has the same(ish) thing on their mind – but how on earth do you go up to a complete stranger and ask if they want to “play”?
Are there unwritten rules on what is acceptable, too blatant, rude or too shy?
How do you set up some fun without hearing their entire life story or appearing too pushy / desperate?
Essentially – what is the accepted middle ground – and what is the easiest / most common way to do it?
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I haven't been to a club myself yet but from what I've read on here you should just chat to people like you would in the pub. A bit of banter and flirting and instead of asking if they want to come back to yours ask if they would like to play.
Don't try to rush things, you will definitely appear pushy. |
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"Eye contact, flirting, body language.  "
see - I saw a lot of that (especially the repeated eye contact) so I knew I should do something - the question was - what?
When I chatted it went on for a long time (still nice to chat) but there was no play.
Its not like I can suddenly change the conversation from their life stories to "what do you look like under that towel?"
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"What has already been said and when the moment is right, ask if they'd like to find a room."
ahh - when the moment is right - your assuming I have a clue about normal social interaction.
Even when a woman is naked in front of me I'm still nervous about even touching her arm or leg - I have a lot to learn - little LED bulbs on a watch like strap (green = touch me, red = bugger off) would make life so much easier  |
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Treat it like any other night in a club/pub on the pull. A bit of conversation goes a long way, if there's a bar then offer to buy a drink. Just because it's a swingers club doesn't mean you should approach people any differently.
We've had loads of single blokes that just tend to follow and stare without trying to make any effort at all, then they expect to join us when we move to a play area. Sorry, not happening. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's not really any different that pulling on a night out. Except that you can have sex on the premesis instead of having to go somewhere else. Chat and flirting is the same. Why wouldn't it be? |
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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago
in the suffolk countryside |
"Treat it like any other night in a club/pub on the pull
your assuming I actually used to do that
I wasn't exaggerating the hermit bit  "
i have the same issue...so watching this 'clear as mud so far' thread with interest  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Treat it like any other night in a club/pub on the pull
your assuming I actually used to do that
I wasn't exaggerating the hermit bit "
Oh I see. You mean you need to learn the whole rules of courtship? Arh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are in the club and have a bit of a chatter just ask : would you fancy a bit of a play ? Haha that would work with us  X M"
You've definitely got to chat with couples. However you might have to try more than one couple! |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
I've only been to a club a couple of times, and granted with somebody, but I'm quite good at reading 'signs'. If a guy was chatting to me and I liked him I might be brave and ask him if he fancied going somewhere a little more comfortable and then go  |
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You did the hard bit in starting to talk to people.
It depends on the club and what is there. ..suggest a game of pool, ask if they have been to that club before / how do they find it / other recommended clubs....
All conversation is good at the end of the day.
You could perhaps ask if they wanted to walk round the club to see what's happening - this can open up opportunities if your both/all on the same page.
You can say you're heading to the wet area /sauna do they want to join you and continue to chat..
There's so many things that are not "do you fancy it then"
Just be yourself
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"Treat it like any other night in a club/pub on the pull
your assuming I actually used to do that
I wasn't exaggerating the hermit bit
Oh I see. You mean you need to learn the whole rules of courtship? Arh "
rules of courtship - I like that - at least now it has a name |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Treat it like any other night in a club/pub on the pull
your assuming I actually used to do that
I wasn't exaggerating the hermit bit
Oh I see. You mean you need to learn the whole rules of courtship? Arh
rules of courtship - I like that - at least now it has a name"
Yes there are still rules, even in a club!! |
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"You did the hard bit in starting to talk to people.
It depends on the club and what is there. ..suggest a game of pool, ask if they have been to that club before / how do they find it / other recommended clubs....
All conversation is good at the end of the day.
You could perhaps ask if they wanted to walk round the club to see what's happening - this can open up opportunities if your both/all on the same page.
You can say you're heading to the wet area /sauna do they want to join you and continue to chat..
There's so many things that are not "do you fancy it then"
Just be yourself
"
pool - no : hot-tub - yes
(or even sauna / steam-room)
A location shift and an invite (but not a blatant sex one) that breaks the conversation, tests if they are interested, and raises the level of intimacy - now why didn't I think of that...
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Treat it like any other night in a club/pub on the pull
your assuming I actually used to do that
I wasn't exaggerating the hermit bit
Oh I see. You mean you need to learn the whole rules of courtship? Arh
rules of courtship - I like that - at least now it has a name"
Well you need to know how to flirt and be sexy. And you need to know how to recognise when soneone is flirting with you. If you've never done this before it may take some practice. Might be easier to try vanilla dating first. Less intense. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You did the hard bit in starting to talk to people.
It depends on the club and what is there. ..suggest a game of pool, ask if they have been to that club before / how do they find it / other recommended clubs....
All conversation is good at the end of the day.
You could perhaps ask if they wanted to walk round the club to see what's happening - this can open up opportunities if your both/all on the same page.
You can say you're heading to the wet area /sauna do they want to join you and continue to chat..
There's so many things that are not "do you fancy it then"
Just be yourself
pool - no : hot-tub - yes
(or even sauna / steam-room)
A location shift and an invite (but not a blatant sex one) that breaks the conversation, tests if they are interested, and raises the level of intimacy - now why didn't I think of that...
"
Guaranteed action now! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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With the amount of men I've spoken to and females you're less likely to have a woman ask you, so you're best off just biting the bullet and going for it. What's the worst that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"With the amount of men I've spoken to and females you're less likely to have a woman ask you, so you're best off just biting the bullet and going for it. What's the worst that "
can happen, a polite no
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"With the amount of men I've spoken to and females you're less likely to have a woman ask you, so you're best off just biting the bullet and going for it. What's the worst that "
Faint heart never won fair woman! |
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"With the amount of men I've spoken to and females you're less likely to have a woman ask you, so you're best off just biting the bullet and going for it. What's the worst that
Faint heart never won fair woman! "
there are fair women too?
(or was that a hair reference)
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"Treat it like any other night in a club/pub on the pull
your assuming I actually used to do that
I wasn't exaggerating the hermit bit
Oh I see. You mean you need to learn the whole rules of courtship? Arh
rules of courtship - I like that - at least now it has a name
Well you need to know how to flirt and be sexy. And you need to know how to recognise when soneone is flirting with you. If you've never done this before it may take some practice. Might be easier to try vanilla dating first. Less intense."
oh hell no - that's much scarier |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Agreed with all the above and bear in mind a lot of women like confidence (not cocky) so just step up and chat , don't be shy to say it's your first time and you may get some tips.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You did the hard bit in starting to talk to people.
It depends on the club and what is there. ..suggest a game of pool, ask if they have been to that club before / how do they find it / other recommended clubs....
All conversation is good at the end of the day.
You could perhaps ask if they wanted to walk round the club to see what's happening - this can open up opportunities if your both/all on the same page.
You can say you're heading to the wet area /sauna do they want to join you and continue to chat..
There's so many things that are not "do you fancy it then"
Just be yourself
pool - no : hot-tub - yes
(or even sauna / steam-room)
A location shift and an invite (but not a blatant sex one) that breaks the conversation, tests if they are interested, and raises the level of intimacy - now why didn't I think of that...
"
This is what we do if we are at a club like Chams which is a dress down club, in more nightclub environment we often say we are going to have a wander round and we what's going on, do they want to join us  |
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We are not great at reading people and knowing if they want to move from chat to play.
We have been with each other for so long we didn't really do the chatting up and dating thing so are fairly clueless.
So for us we tend to rely on people we chat to, to make the first move. So trust us this isn't a single guy or girl dilemma alone.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Asking if they want to go see what's going on and look around can help, esp if you are both watching people play. A touch of the arm, leaning in close - all signs I'm wanting to get giggidy
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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago
in the suffolk countryside |
"Asking if they want to go see what's going on and look around can help, esp if you are both watching people play. A touch of the arm, leaning in close - all signs I'm wanting to get giggidy
"
wouldnt recommend touching anyone until the you ok with that is sorted, people are funny about personal space and if they say no, you haveto withdraw..awkward.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We are not great at reading people and knowing if they want to move from chat to play.
We have been with each other for so long we didn't really do the chatting up and dating thing so are fairly clueless.
So for us we tend to rely on people we chat to, to make the first move. So trust us this isn't a single guy or girl dilemma alone.
"
It's true nothing is straightforward! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Definitely normal social chatting. Talk about anything other than sex. Bit of flirting and then usually I just come out with 'would you like to play?' Never been turned down, but if I was then I'd just chat a bit more and then say have a good night and make an excuse like I'm going for a wander.
If anyone came up to me, no chatting first and asked if I would like to play they would get a variation of 'no' - ending in 'off'. |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
i tend to find that it is actually easier to find these things out and TALK to them... rather than going up to them out of the blue....
i think it is one of the thing the single male "silent ninja's" tend to miss.....or fail...
yes, we may all be there for the same thing as you say, but its easier when people know you are a fully functioning human being with a personality and social skills.....
think of it being between having sex and playing with people... and treating them as if they are just a pound of flesh... |
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One huge mistake a lot of guys at clubs make is, when approaching/chatting to couples, that they direct all their attention to the female, which is likely to piss some male halves off. Whilst its true a lot of guys in couples aren't bi, so are not interested in playing with other guys, its still going to be a 3sum if you get lucky, so chat to them both, make friends, and see how it goes. |
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"Asking if they want to go see what's going on and look around can help, esp if you are both watching people play. A touch of the arm, leaning in close - all signs I'm wanting to get giggidy
wouldnt recommend touching anyone until the you ok with that is sorted, people are funny about personal space and if they say no, you haveto withdraw..awkward.... "
I noticed some people are just naturals when it comes to the brush of the arm etc - but in retrospect - I get the feeling these people already knew each other - so trying to judge myself within their parameters is always going to lead to failure |
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"One huge mistake a lot of guys at clubs make is, when approaching/chatting to couples, that they direct all their attention to the female, which is likely to piss some male halves off. Whilst its true a lot of guys in couples aren't bi, so are not interested in playing with other guys, its still going to be a 3sum if you get lucky, so chat to them both, make friends, and see how it goes."
I think I did pretty well in keeping it 50/50
if you don't want to be isolated - then you shouldn't isolate others |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"One huge mistake a lot of guys at clubs make is, when approaching/chatting to couples, that they direct all their attention to the female, which is likely to piss some male halves off. Whilst its true a lot of guys in couples aren't bi, so are not interested in playing with other guys, its still going to be a 3sum if you get lucky, so chat to them both, make friends, and see how it goes."
they will either talk to the guy to get to the girl... or talk to the girl and completely leave out the guy.... its classic "only after one thing" behaviour....
don't take this the wrong way OP but something you said in the opening post doesn't sit quite right with me....
"How do you set up some fun without hearing their entire life story or appearing too pushy / desperate?"
you see that thought is you only thinking about yourself.. the ending, that doesn't consider the journey... and that for some people is going to be different for different people....
its still a personal act that we are doing, so if it take a minute or a whole night to get there, so be it.... it shouldn be the be all and end all and it shouldn't determine whether a night was a success or not...
if you put a timeframe on it... you are going to scare off a lot more people than you are going to attract.... |
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"One huge mistake a lot of guys at clubs make is, when approaching/chatting to couples, that they direct all their attention to the female, which is likely to piss some male halves off. Whilst its true a lot of guys in couples aren't bi, so are not interested in playing with other guys, its still going to be a 3sum if you get lucky, so chat to them both, make friends, and see how it goes.
they will either talk to the guy to get to the girl... or talk to the girl and completely leave out the guy.... its classic "only after one thing" behaviour....
don't take this the wrong way OP but something you said in the opening post doesn't sit quite right with me....
"How do you set up some fun without hearing their entire life story or appearing too pushy / desperate?"
you see that thought is you only thinking about yourself.. the ending, that doesn't consider the journey... and that for some people is going to be different for different people....
its still a personal act that we are doing, so if it take a minute or a whole night to get there, so be it.... it shouldn be the be all and end all and it shouldn't determine whether a night was a success or not...
if you put a timeframe on it... you are going to scare off a lot more people than you are going to attract...."
The line was more geared toward the idea of not over doing either - Its very easy to chat away and make friends for me - but I've always found in the past that actually held me back sexually - people don't want to risk losing a friend by bringing sex into the equation - I realize its probably different in this environment - but the insecurity of being "too good a friend" still lingers.
And as one person I met put it - some people will just milk it |
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Find out if they're a regular at that club, or clubs in general, ask what they're into usually gets you to know if they're after the same thing as you and if they're open to play or just chilling out.
If I wasn't interested I'd tell you at that point so you could move on. If guys don't get round to it I have been known to ask first.
Direct questions that work with me are 'do you fancy playing' and 'can I lick your pussy' |
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"Find out if they're a regular at that club, or clubs in general, ask what they're into usually gets you to know if they're after the same thing as you and if they're open to play or just chilling out.
If I wasn't interested I'd tell you at that point so you could move on. If guys don't get round to it I have been known to ask first.
Direct questions that work with me are 'do you fancy playing' and 'can I lick your pussy' "
I can imagine the conversation:-
"so you take care of abandoned cats for a living, that is so nice - It must be so fulfilling to know you are helping out in the world, I'd love to help - can I lick your pussy?"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Find out if they're a regular at that club, or clubs in general, ask what they're into usually gets you to know if they're after the same thing as you and if they're open to play or just chilling out.
If I wasn't interested I'd tell you at that point so you could move on. If guys don't get round to it I have been known to ask first.
Direct questions that work with me are 'do you fancy playing' and 'can I lick your pussy'
I can imagine the conversation:-
"so you take care of abandoned cats for a living, that is so nice - It must be so fulfilling to know you are helping out in the world, I'd love to help - can I lick your pussy?"
"
All that fur! |
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We find a lot of guys at club just walk about and don't talk to anyone go up and converse , we will have a little chat and banter , if you fancy the wife give her a wink , don't forget to chat to husband too , that's how we work it , if my wife fancys a bloke we are chatting to she will let me know . And I will help get things started , if she not up for fun with them I will let them down gently so they can move on and try their luck else where ?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Treat it like any other night in a club/pub on the pull
your assuming I actually used to do that
I wasn't exaggerating the hermit bit i have the same issue...so watching this 'clear as mud so far' thread with interest "
Me three. I went to two last year, Manchester and Liverpool and definitely wasn't easy...too much cutting in for my liking. Far far easier aarranging a meet on fab where you can chat without others butting in to conversation. So I'm reading this with interest. |
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By *rs DCouple
over a year ago
far |
if i like guys at a club i will go up to them and ask if i can suck there cock at the glory hole,some join us in the room,so best advoice is be nice dont be pushy wait for the couple or fem to approach you,if it dont happen it will one day.guys who approach us we advoid sorry to say |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I went to a club recently and the most difficult thing for me was the etiquette (getting naked was the easy part).
I know everyone there has the same(ish) thing on their mind – but how on earth do you go up to a complete stranger and ask if they want to “play”?
Are there unwritten rules on what is acceptable, too blatant, rude or too shy?
How do you set up some fun without hearing their entire life story or appearing too pushy / desperate?
Essentially – what is the accepted middle ground – and what is the easiest / most common way to do it?
"
i have the same problem mate i went to chams a couple of times the first time i was with ex wife and it was amazing the second time i went on my own and found it so hard and nervous. I tryed talking to a couple but i just clammed up im normally dead talkative but the nerves kicked in and there was awkard silences. I ended up getting d*unk and going home with a sore head |
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"What has already been said and when the moment is right, ask if they'd like to find a room.
ahh - when the moment is right - your assuming I have a clue about normal social interaction.
Even when a woman is naked in front of me I'm still nervous about even touching her arm or leg - I have a lot to learn - little LED bulbs on a watch like strap (green = touch me, red = bugger off) would make life so much easier "
I was going to ask if you were on the spectrum.
There are no rules about asking. Generally, if you are getting on with someone, then a 'care to play?' Is all that's needed. If you are watching a couple play, just catch the eye of one of the players and wait to be invited.
Not waving your cock at anyone is also a good idea. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Of course we are all different and have preferences ....I like honesty and then I know they will usually listen to likes and dislikes....
Maybe say.....
Hi, I'm new to this and not sure how to go about it..... How was it for you when you were newbies or is this your first time too......?
Then they will tell you and you can then just ask them how to approach that transition stage - what makes it easy....
You have then been inquisitive, open, honest and confident enough to ask - great character traits
Mwah
Mwah
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Paying the person compliments can help. If you've seen them playing, tell them now impressed you were, or compliment them on something about the way they look. As long as it's in the general flow of conversation of course. |
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"Treat it like any other night in a club/pub on the pull
your assuming I actually used to do that
I wasn't exaggerating the hermit bit i have the same issue...so watching this 'clear as mud so far' thread with interest
Me three. I went to two last year, Manchester and Liverpool and definitely wasn't easy...too much cutting in for my liking. Far far easier aarranging a meet on fab where you can chat without others butting in to conversation. So I'm reading this with interest. "
ahh - company |
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"Some good advice in the comments above, also try reading the swingers etiquette here FabSwingers.com Forums Swinging Support and Advice Swingers Etiquette"
Trust me - I've read all I can while remaining sane  |
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"I went to a club recently and the most difficult thing for me was the etiquette (getting naked was the easy part).
I know everyone there has the same(ish) thing on their mind – but how on earth do you go up to a complete stranger and ask if they want to “play”?
Are there unwritten rules on what is acceptable, too blatant, rude or too shy?
How do you set up some fun without hearing their entire life story or appearing too pushy / desperate?
Essentially – what is the accepted middle ground – and what is the easiest / most common way to do it?
i have the same problem mate i went to chams a couple of times the first time i was with ex wife and it was amazing the second time i went on my own and found it so hard and nervous. I tryed talking to a couple but i just clammed up im normally dead talkative but the nerves kicked in and there was awkard silences. I ended up getting d*unk and going home with a sore head"
sore head... there's a joke in the somewhere |
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more info - I love this
don't wave my cock around (as much - come on - I have to do it a little - right - helps the air flow)
pay people compliments (but not to the extent it becomes stalking)
create interaction (essentially don't become the elephant in the room) - and that ain't a dick joke
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"I went to a club recently and the most difficult thing for me was the etiquette (getting naked was the easy part).
I know everyone there has the same(ish) thing on their mind – but how on earth do you go up to a complete stranger and ask if they want to “play”?
Are there unwritten rules on what is acceptable, too blatant, rude or too shy?
How do you set up some fun without hearing their entire life story or appearing too pushy / desperate?
Essentially – what is the accepted middle ground – and what is the easiest / most common way to do it?
"
Years of observation and events
The females will 9 put of 10 times let you know
And as mentioned above learn body language.. Flirting is one thing. Someone listening out of politeness is another ..
You will know not everyone goes to play xx
The biggest problem in the scene is people not getting the signs
Natural attraction always shines through x
And Ps never ever start a message with
Can I just ask . Then nowt
Instant annoyance !! Lol
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I went to a club recently and the most difficult thing for me was the etiquette (getting naked was the easy part).
I know everyone there has the same(ish) thing on their mind – but how on earth do you go up to a complete stranger and ask if they want to “play”?
Are there unwritten rules on what is acceptable, too blatant, rude or too shy?
How do you set up some fun without hearing their entire life story or appearing too pushy / desperate?
Essentially – what is the accepted middle ground – and what is the easiest / most common way to do it?
i have the same problem mate i went to chams a couple of times the first time i was with ex wife and it was amazing the second time i went on my own and found it so hard and nervous. I tryed talking to a couple but i just clammed up im normally dead talkative but the nerves kicked in and there was awkard silences. I ended up getting d*unk and going home with a sore head
sore head... there's a joke in the somewhere "
ooops that came out wrong |
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"I went to a club recently and the most difficult thing for me was the etiquette (getting naked was the easy part).
I know everyone there has the same(ish) thing on their mind – but how on earth do you go up to a complete stranger and ask if they want to “play”?
Are there unwritten rules on what is acceptable, too blatant, rude or too shy?
How do you set up some fun without hearing their entire life story or appearing too pushy / desperate?
Essentially – what is the accepted middle ground – and what is the easiest / most common way to do it?
i have the same problem mate i went to chams a couple of times the first time i was with ex wife and it was amazing the second time i went on my own and found it so hard and nervous. I tryed talking to a couple but i just clammed up im normally dead talkative but the nerves kicked in and there was awkard silences. I ended up getting d*unk and going home with a sore head
sore head... there's a joke in the somewhere ooops that came out wrong "
another potential joke
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