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Club etiquette question
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Hi all
We've just had a bit of a miserable experience when trying a new club and wanted some advice. Wed had a lovely time trying a new club, and we dived into a room for some sexy fun, closing the door behind us.
Midway through play, a couple opened the door and tried to join us, we gave them a "no thank you" at which point they both kicked off. With the woman complaining that "this is a place for sharing, and if you want to have sex alone you should stay at home" amongst other things.
We ended up feeling so uncomfortable that we couldn't continue and then decided to just head home.
Our question is really were we in the wrong as we thought a closed door means "private party"? And how could we handle that situation better in future as we love going to clubs and having a couple kick off because we rejected them has made us feel pretty bad 
A&a |
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By *andN987Couple 48 weeks ago
north east |
"Hi all
We've just had a bit of a miserable experience when trying a new club and wanted some advice. Wed had a lovely time trying a new club, and we dived into a room for some sexy fun, closing the door behind us.
Midway through play, a couple opened the door and tried to join us, we gave them a "no thank you" at which point they both kicked off. With the woman complaining that "this is a place for sharing, and if you want to have sex alone you should stay at home" amongst other things.
We ended up feeling so uncomfortable that we couldn't continue and then decided to just head home.
Our question is really were we in the wrong as we thought a closed door means "private party"? And how could we handle that situation better in future as we love going to clubs and having a couple kick off because we rejected them has made us feel pretty bad
A&a"
Morning,
That sounds like a thoroughly deflating experience.
All couples are different, and some will be there to swap many times over, some a small amount,some to watch, and some to just take in the idea of it all.
We have often played alone, sometimes with people watching, sometimes not, but that's our decision, no one else's.
There seem to be two issues with the other couple. 1. You turned them down and 2. You were playing alone together. I cannot believe that they can object to the second one as it's obvious that couples often need me time together. After all it's about you two. Other parties are just there to enhance your relationship.
I suspect that they were embarrassed or annoyed that you turned them down and used the second issue as an excuse or come back.
Either way, this is totally unacceptable. You get to chose what you do and do not do whenever. A closed door is private.
Hopefully this won't tarnish your attempts to find new places. |
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"Hi all
We've just had a bit of a miserable experience when trying a new club and wanted some advice. Wed had a lovely time trying a new club, and we dived into a room for some sexy fun, closing the door behind us.
Midway through play, a couple opened the door and tried to join us, we gave them a "no thank you" at which point they both kicked off. With the woman complaining that "this is a place for sharing, and if you want to have sex alone you should stay at home" amongst other things.
We ended up feeling so uncomfortable that we couldn't continue and then decided to just head home.
Our question is really were we in the wrong as we thought a closed door means "private party"? And how could we handle that situation better in future as we love going to clubs and having a couple kick off because we rejected them has made us feel pretty bad
A&a"
No thanks you means no thank you. The problem is with them, not you. Don't let idiots like this put you off. You do what you want to do and never be pressurised in to anything. |
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People have many genuine reasons for retiring to a private room as a couple - there might not be anyone else suitable to play with, or they might just need to escape the single guys. So there's no excuse for what they did, and what you should learn from it that you're very attractive to other couples, and a small number of those couples are idiots.
I'm sure this doesn't apply to you, but I think it does slightly abuse the club ethic if a couple go along to a club with the sole intention of watching other people play, and then retiring to a private room for their own play. I think there should be an element of "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours".
But frankly life's too short to spend time wondering about other people's exact motives... |
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Was the door lockable but not locked or was there a window they could see you were in there through? Did the club make it clear that a closed door must be considered locked?
Notwithstanding the above, a polite ‘no thanks please leave us’ should have sufficed and all clubs should have a no means no policy as indeed everyone should, at a club or not at a club. Had you reported it to the club they should have removed the other couple and curtailed their night rather than you curtail yours.
So sad and surprised to hear that this happened in a supposedly organised club environment. |
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By *t8880Couple 47 weeks ago
Staffs |
Don’t agree with you at a club we want to watch so we must let people watch. Using that logic you could say why are singles even in the club as it’s about couples swapping…
You do whatever you feel comfortable doing in a club and everyone should respect that. |
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By *UFSWoman 47 weeks ago
belfast |
"Hi all
We've just had a bit of a miserable experience when trying a new club and wanted some advice. Wed had a lovely time trying a new club, and we dived into a room for some sexy fun, closing the door behind us.
Midway through play, a couple opened the door and tried to join us, we gave them a "no thank you" at which point they both kicked off. With the woman complaining that "this is a place for sharing, and if you want to have sex alone you should stay at home" amongst other things.
We ended up feeling so uncomfortable that we couldn't continue and then decided to just head home.
Our question is really were we in the wrong as we thought a closed door means "private party"? And how could we handle that situation better in future as we love going to clubs and having a couple kick off because we rejected them has made us feel pretty bad
A&a"
My reply would have been along the lines of,"oh we are all for sharing,just not with someone as rude and self entitled as you" close the door,look it if I could and carry on having fun. |
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You were right, they were wrong.
We would have reported it and gauged the clubs response. If they dealt with it great, if not, we wouldn’t be going back to that club.
This whole gig is based around club members and their mutual respect. The club and the members have a responsibility to deal with stuff like this.
It’s supposed to be fun
xx |
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Well they seem gross!
A polite no thanks is simple enough and should always be respected.
There are private rooms for a reason, anyone can use the club as they wish.
(If you closed a door to a public play room and said no, they should have explained the type of room you were in and told staff). |
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"Using that logic you could say why are singles even in the club as it’s about couples swapping…"
The only nights that are only about couples swapping are couples-only nights. And yes, singles aren't allowed in on those nights. |
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My question is, was it a private room that you went to, or was it couples room? If it was a private room and you closed the door behind you, nobody should have just open the door and walk in.
If it was a couples room, even with closed door I believe couples can still go in. However, there is a huge difference between going in and finding your own space to play (couples rooms normally have quite a bit of space to play) and insisting on joining someone who is already there, playing. |
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"My question is, was it a private room that you went to, or was it couples room? If it was a private room and you closed the door behind you, nobody should have just open the door and walk in.
If it was a couples room, even with closed door I believe couples can still go in. However, there is a huge difference between going in and finding your own space to play (couples rooms normally have quite a bit of space to play) and insisting on joining someone who is already there, playing. "
i agree if you shut the door thinking it was a privert room and it wasnt . They should have just explained that you were in the wrong room and dircted you to the proper privert room , which should have a lock on. |
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By *x cplCouple 47 weeks ago
North of Oxford |
Normally in any club a closed door or curtain means do not disturb, definitely a no thanks is a NO. You are right they where totally wrong. we also sometimes only play alone. What rules did the club have ? But every club we know No means No..some rooms we play in do allow others to watch, but a closed metal barred gate/door which you can watch through means no entry without an invite. Unfortunately you always do get those that think because your in a club you must have sex with anyone who wants it..but fortunately these are a very small minority in our opinion most are genuine and great people. |
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"A closed door means you don't open it. No means no always. They behaved like entitled assholes. You should have ripped them a new arsehole and reported to club staff."
I don't believe this rule applies to all closed door. I go to Chams quite regularly, with my friend, and use couples room there. I am not even sure that door can be left open, but the idea behind couples room, as well orgy room, is that more people can play there? Therefore, even if the door to those rooms is closed, I would still go in, but would be respectful of anyone already there, by making sure we give them enough space. If it was a private room with a door closed, I wouldn't even dream of checking if it's locked, as it's a private room and the understanding is that, if the door to a private room is closed, people there want privacy.
I get that things can be confusing sometimes, particularly in a new club, and I am not defending the other couple, but what I am trying to say is, things are not as black and white as some are trying to stipulate. Private room, door closed - don't even think of trying to go in.
Orgy room/couples room, door closed - it's ok to go in as long as you're respectful of whoever is already there and offer them enough space. At least that's my understanding. |
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By *archelCouple 47 weeks ago
A field somewhere |
"A closed door means you don't open it. No means no always. They behaved like entitled assholes. You should have ripped them a new arsehole and reported to club staff.
I don't believe this rule applies to all closed door. I go to Chams quite regularly, with my friend, and use couples room there. I am not even sure that door can be left open, but the idea behind couples room, as well orgy room, is that more people can play there? Therefore, even if the door to those rooms is closed, I would still go in, but would be respectful of anyone already there, by making sure we give them enough space. If it was a private room with a door closed, I wouldn't even dream of checking if it's locked, as it's a private room and the understanding is that, if the door to a private room is closed, people there want privacy.
I get that things can be confusing sometimes, particularly in a new club, and I am not defending the other couple, but what I am trying to say is, things are not as black and white as some are trying to stipulate. Private room, door closed - don't even think of trying to go in.
Orgy room/couples room, door closed - it's ok to go in as long as you're respectful of whoever is already there and offer them enough space. At least that's my understanding. "
We have multiple couples rooms at both our local clubs that have doors on, if the doors shut you don't open it. Our big orgy rooms have no door so yes you can just enter. One of our clubs has a small orgy room with a door, if that door is closed you don't open it. A closed door means no and that should always be respected. There's no grey area about a closes door. |
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"A closed door means you don't open it. No means no always. They behaved like entitled assholes. You should have ripped them a new arsehole and reported to club staff.
I don't believe this rule applies to all closed door. I go to Chams quite regularly, with my friend, and use couples room there. I am not even sure that door can be left open, but the idea behind couples room, as well orgy room, is that more people can play there? Therefore, even if the door to those rooms is closed, I would still go in, but would be respectful of anyone already there, by making sure we give them enough space. If it was a private room with a door closed, I wouldn't even dream of checking if it's locked, as it's a private room and the understanding is that, if the door to a private room is closed, people there want privacy.
I get that things can be confusing sometimes, particularly in a new club, and I am not defending the other couple, but what I am trying to say is, things are not as black and white as some are trying to stipulate. Private room, door closed - don't even think of trying to go in.
Orgy room/couples room, door closed - it's ok to go in as long as you're respectful of whoever is already there and offer them enough space. At least that's my understanding.
We have multiple couples rooms at both our local clubs that have doors on, if the doors shut you don't open it. Our big orgy rooms have no door so yes you can just enter. One of our clubs has a small orgy room with a door, if that door is closed you don't open it. A closed door means no and that should always be respected. There's no grey area about a closes door."
thats not true in all cases.
We have been to lots of clubs and some have large couples rooms with doors that are closed as you go in. These rooms are there for the specific reason that multiple couples can play in there. Any couple can open the door and go in at any time and ask to join someone or find their own space and play on their own.
This obviously does not excuse the shocking behaviour of the couple insisting that they are allowed to join in others play. |
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"I'm sure this doesn't apply to you, but I think it does slightly abuse the club ethic if a couple go along to a club with the sole intention of watching other people play, and then retiring to a private room for their own play. I think there should be an element of "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"."
Oh wow, so people shouldn't have boundaries in a club? That's an odd way to think.
What about couples who find noone they want to play with, couples who enjoy Voyeurism only, couples who are new and not yet comfortable, couples who don't go to clubs to play with others but to socialise and network instead. There's literally countless reasons why people may not want to "show you theirs" none of which is anyone else's business really and noone should feel excluded from the club scene for exercising consent or autonomy |
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Aw that’s a horrible experience to have. So sorry to hear that. This is not common practise in clubs. Everyone is there for their own reasons and one of the key aspects of swinging is to be able to respect these and allow people to enjoy themselves not to be play things for others. Hopefully you have many more enjoyable times in clubs don’t let them put you off. |
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By *t12guy49Man 47 weeks ago
Walton-on-Thames |
As a single guy who goes to a club, I know a closed door is a sign that whoever is in that room does not want to be disturbed. I wouldn’t dream of opening the door and, even worse, complaining when told to go away.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Hopefully this doesn’t put you off from going to a club again |
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"Hi all
We've just had a bit of a miserable experience when trying a new club and wanted some advice. Wed had a lovely time trying a new club, and we dived into a room for some sexy fun, closing the door behind us.
Midway through play, a couple opened the door and tried to join us, we gave them a "no thank you" at which point they both kicked off. With the woman complaining that "this is a place for sharing, and if you want to have sex alone you should stay at home" amongst other things.
We ended up feeling so uncomfortable that we couldn't continue and then decided to just head home.
Our question is really were we in the wrong as we thought a closed door means "private party"? And how could we handle that situation better in future as we love going to clubs and having a couple kick off because we rejected them has made us feel pretty bad
A&a"
Thats really bad! In a club a closed door means you want privacy and everyone knows you don't even knock nevermind go in. An open door means you're up for being watched but thats about it.
We've never encountered this at a club and if we did I would tell them where to go.
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"Oh wow, so people shouldn't have boundaries in a club? That's an odd way to think.
What about couples who find noone they want to play with, couples who enjoy Voyeurism only, couples who are new and not yet comfortable, couples who don't go to clubs to play with others but to socialise and network instead. There's literally countless reasons why people may not want to "show you theirs" none of which is anyone else's business really and noone should feel excluded from the club scene for exercising consent or autonomy "
Well, if you read the part of my post that you didn't quote, you'll see that the very first thing I wrote is that not finding anyone attractive is a valid reason to retire to a private room, and that the behaviour of the other couple was unacceptable whatever the case. Consent is, of course, paramount.
I don't agree that clubs should be for everyone, whatever they're in to. To take an extreme example, if the local Scrabble club started taking over a session in a swingers club, I would think that was an infringement of the club ethic.
But I also accept that that's just my opinion. Some people may find swinging and Scrabble a good mix. I don't go to a club to impose my morality on others, and there are plenty of clubs without Scrabble.
So there is no justification for what the other couple did. |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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Just adding our voice to the general consensus. Even if the set up meant it was OK for them to open the door, to kick off when you said no is totally unacceptable.
Sorry it ruined your visit, but you did nothing wrong. Unfortunately some people are just jerks! |
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You were totally in the right and they sound awful. If a door is closed then people shouldn't go in . Most private rooms have locks on but some dont so occasionally people come and have a look but if you say that you dont want watching or sharing the room they should respect that.
Having said that on very busy nights when it's hard to get a room we have knocked on a door when it's clear that people inside have been playing for a long time and are just hanging out and denying others the use of the facilities . |
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