Quick question from some up and coming swingers, we have had a few meets, and just had our second club night, absolutely loving it so far, however, after we came away from the Xmas party at Chams, we couldn't help but feel a bit deflated...
We have no idea what is the "right" or "correct" way to broach the subject of play!!
What is the general advice? Would you just be blunt and ask? "So do you want to play?"
Is touching generally expected/accepted if conversation is flowing?
S is a massive advocate for boundaries and respect, and the thought of getting "handsy" makes him uncomfortable without permission...
We feel that we might be doing it wrong, we had a couple of conversations at the club that seemed to go well!! However they just disappeared unfortunately and we are wondering if it's because in our efforts to be respectful and non-pushy, it's come across as not interested!!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don’t think there should ever be an expectation for play, no matter how much the conversation is flowing. The only way to know is to ask and be accepting that no means no. I’ve only ever been to Jaydees and everyone is friendly and I can get a great conversation going with anyone but I wouldn’t assume that means play is on the cards. Just ask!  |
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"I don’t think there should ever be an expectation for play, no matter how much the conversation is flowing. The only way to know is to ask and be accepting that no means no. I’ve only ever been to Jaydees and everyone is friendly and I can get a great conversation going with anyone but I wouldn’t assume that means play is on the cards. Just ask! "
I probably worded it badly, of course play isn't like, expected, and I'm not saying that I only wanted to play, I genuinely enjoyed the conversations and we are happy with just that, but what we're trying to say is that we don't know if saying basically "soooo, how you feel about playing" was the right thing to do or not, if it is then we will make more of an effort to be more assertive! It's just so difficult when your new as you don't know the do's and don'ts! X
Thankyou for your reply btw |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ahh ok. Definitely just go for it. Just don’t be offended if it’s no, there’s many reasons why it may be a no. I’ve only had people be ‘forward’ and ask me to play so I think it’s normal. That’s just my experience, hope that helps x |
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It’s tricky knowing how to get started, I feel your pain.
My advice would be that touching is never ok without express permission. Chat with whoever you like, but don’t touch anyone unless they ask you to or you’ve checked first. A person might ge happy to talk to you but not necessarily want you to touch them. Communication is key. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The people I've met when at clubs tend to be rather blunt lol. I get asked are you playing and I really don't mind. I think approach it the way you want to be approached really. |
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There’s lots of ways you can ask someone to play, just be prepared for rejection.
You can say, ‘we’re going to a play room, would you like to join us?’ For example, also we’ve asked in the past if we can kiss someone.
Just be aware that if someone says no it not be because they don’t wanna play with you. It could be all manor of reasons |
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By *x cplCouple
over a year ago
North of Oxford |
As others have said. You can ask, and many do, it can be anything from fancy getting/finding a room, want to join us for some fun. Want to play. And a thousand variations of these..99% of folks will respond to polite but direct questions and answers. Know the Xmas party at chams can be ultra busy and many go for social only or to play after at hotels as its often so busy there can be ques to find a room. |
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Absolutely just ask directly. You seem a nice couple would you like to join us in a room.
Would you like to play.
It’s fine to be direct.
It’s not fine to touch without asking but I’ve never minded a bit of touchy flirting.
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Great advice guys, thankyou very much, by the looks of it we just need to get a bit more assertive and just open our damn mouths more haha!
Rejection is absolutely fine by us, we have no problems being told no, it's just we didn't know if asking the direct question was something that was normal or accepted/expected!!
Thanks again guys for the advice, there should be a short course online to teach you these things when you first start haha!! |
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Totally agree, be direct. My phrases are "I'm ready to play, are you coming?" "Shall we go and find a room" etc. The only thing is that if you're a couple talking to a couple you might need to give them space to confer. |
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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
It’s not easy and I always struggle with this - sometimes you kinda have to read room - I like to wander a lot and it doenst mean I am not intrigued or Interested with people
so some people are touch flirty, some people wnat you to be direct, some people like to be subtle - for me depending on my mood depends what I like, and also how I ask people |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Great advice guys, thankyou very much, by the looks of it we just need to get a bit more assertive and just open our damn mouths more haha!
Rejection is absolutely fine by us, we have no problems being told no, it's just we didn't know if asking the direct question was something that was normal or accepted/expected!!
Thanks again guys for the advice, there should be a short course online to teach you these things when you first start haha!! "
You could just tell them you're pretty new and never know how to ask if someone is interested.
It steers the chat that way and you may get some useful tips... and also some fun....  |
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To some extent reading people and the room is a skill you learn.
But best policy I to just ask and say what your thinking. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking do you mind if I touch you. They either want to be touched or not so your asking is not going to sour the deal it's just going to prevent any potential unwelcome moves. Same as taking things further. I you want something more just say. We generally will just something like we're having a great time with you guys shall we continue this in a room?
Also understand that most couples are a bit shy to make the first move or ask. So if they're not going to ask you need to be the ones to take the initiative and ask. |
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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
"To some extent reading people and the room is a skill you learn.
But best policy I to just ask and say what your thinking. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking do you mind if I touch you. They either want to be touched or not so your asking is not going to sour the deal it's just going to prevent any potential unwelcome moves. Same as taking things further. I you want something more just say. We generally will just something like we're having a great time with you guys shall we continue this in a room?
Also understand that most couples are a bit shy to make the first move or ask. So if they're not going to ask you need to be the ones to take the initiative and ask."
Agreed reading the room is really important, also being aware of peoples personal space. I am very funny about invading peoples space which means sometimes people think I am not interested.
In my head if I have spoken for you for a while, then in my head it has shown I am interested. I don’t say ask or anything because I don’t want to make them feel bad in saying no…
I don’t do subtle and never have done. Sometimes it takes a full on fancy a fuck for me to get the hint that someone is interested. I suppose I am just not overly assertive.
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