I’ll preface this by stating that the purpose of this story isn’t to criticise anyone but to share an incredibly amusing first visit to a club, the kind of story which NEEDS to be retold and I have too many vanilla friends I can’t do that with!
As a club virgin I’ve been curious to experience a club for some time and I found a lovely female playmate to accompany me, lining up last weekend’s unlocking festivities as an ideal opportunity to lose the V plates. So off we headed to a club (I’ll refrain from sharing which one)…
Unfortunately our initial excitement was soon downgraded. The place was a bit dingy, with a lingering damp smell (think tramp’s soiled mattress, you get the gist).
It was virtually empty. All night. Sure, this isn’t the club’s fault and perhaps we misjudged the popularity of this particular night, no problem, that’s just the luck of the draw.
Of those present, a good amount of them were stereotypically creepy single men. Just in towels. Roaming around silently. All night.
I have to say that everyone looked bored shitless, just sat on their own or only chatting to whoever they came with. Tough lockdowns all round clearly! It was the least sexy atmosphere imaginable. I’d be more likely to get a semi fighting over the last Christmas turkey in Aldi!
But we wanted to give it every chance and experience the club fully so after a couple of hours at the bar we dressed down and went for a wander round, exploring the rooms. And we were literally trailed by several uninvited guys the entire way round. I felt like a US President with his private security detail. They too had their hands on loaded guns!
These poor starved men just loitering around and hoping for a glimpse of something. Lurking a few feet behind, awkwardly staring but swiftly turning their heads away when we glanced around. In towels, naturally.
So after several weird advances of people offering to join us, politely declined, we went into one of the more normal looking rooms. I see a lot of reviews of this club saying how clean it is. That’s maybe not quite how I’d describe it with this room having school PE hall mats laid on top of a wooden bench, but each to their own.
We shut the door behind us. Which I’m sure means fuck off…But with all the changes in guidelines this last year, who knows anymore!?
I didn’t think much of it but this room had a gloryhole, so of course, what happens? As soon as we start getting going some dudes are peering though and sticking their dicks through. Fair enough, we picked a room with a gloryhole, that’s on us. It did tickle me though, not literally.
I’m doing my best to ignore this unintended audience but the random moans and groans aren’t helpful…
Nor is it enjoyable when some bloke whispers
“You’re beautiful.” Then as if to be weirdly careful to ensure no one was offended or left out he follows up with “You’re both beautiful …”. Cheers pal! He could only see my arse at this point, but you’ve got to take the compliments when they come!
There’s also some porn on in the room, little bit of ambiance, good stuff. Drowns out the furious wanking behind me.
It’s a lesbian scene, so no issues there but then it finished and what looks suspiciously like underage porn comes on.
Again, bit off putting! Got to find somewhere else to look.
Ive barely averted my gaze from the pre-teen scene when some lad with the stare of a sex offender opens the door and pops his head around and asks if he can watch.
“No. The door is closed for a reason.” So he apologies and closes it again. Good lad.
A few mins later this creepy looking Asian bloke opens the door, comes right in, bold as brass, shuts the door and then locks it behind him!
I say “no mate I’m not cool with that, can you go!”
And he goes “oh sorry” … and then just stands back a bit by the door!
“No! When I say go, I mean OUTSIDE!”
So he eventually cottons on, apologises and unlocks the door and leaves. We were actually howling with laughter at how bizarre it all was. It did also signal the end of the night, the moment had well and truly gone after all that!
Overall not quite the sexual extravaganza I might have hoped for, however I’ve rarely laughed so hard! Especially with my Johnson out.
Would love to hear any of your amusing club tales and fails! |
I have several ‘less than favourable’ club visit stories I could recount, but I’ll only be accused of being ‘negative’ by the club glitterati…… 
